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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Would you tell wife of affair if she was 7 months pregnant?

231 replies

namedchangedforthis12345 · 29/09/2017 12:20

I have deliberately name changed for this (honey's blue immaced baby, penguin enclosure date, NY where Mumsnet got shut down etc) because I genuinely didn't know, but am not in a good place to take stick if people don't believe me.... so....

I started seeing a guy about 18 months ago. He was an ex from aprox 10 years ago, and it started out as FWB type thing. I am friends with his sister / mates on fb etc, but he doesn't use it. I am a single parent so he has always come to mine, though I have been to his parents a few times when they were away. I've never thought it odd as I rarely get a babysitter so haven't had opportunity, he just always came here or we met for lunch in town etc. I have always called / texted whenever I pleased. I am trying to cover all bases of our history here so you don't think it was odd!

I discovered last night he is married, and his wife is 7 months pregnant. I am absolutely gutted, angry, ashamed, embarrassed etc. This was 18 bloody months we have been together. I have told him not to contact me again, and have no intention of doing anything to spite him, I just feel numb almost? (ironic given my list of feelings above!)

My question is, do I tell his wife? I have always been a believer that women stick together, but she is due in November and I genuinely am not sure it is better not to know in this situation. For full disclosure, my ex left when I was pregnant, so this may be tainting my view on things too.

Please don't kick me for this, I felt sick when I found out and its been a particularly shitty last 24 hours.

OP posts:
Mama234 · 29/09/2017 18:10

Yes absolutely tell her! She has every right to know what her husband is doing, Why would you not, Its taking the easy way out just walking away, Its not fair on her.
Can you imagine what its like having sex with someone whilst your pregnant unknowingly putting your baby at risk because your husband is going around having sex with people (let's face it if he's that good a liar you probably arent the only one he has been having sex with.)
Poor lady let her make the choice.
Completely agree with tellme as well about informed consent.

Unhappyyear1 · 29/09/2017 18:18

I'd want to know even though it would be devastating.

LilyMcClellan · 29/09/2017 18:20

It's terrible timing, but as a PP has said, sorting herself out now will be infinitely easier than after the birth. Two months is a reasonable chunk of time to get things reorganized. Although I say this as someone who had easy pregnancies.

If you don't tell her now (which I would), give it 4-6 months after the birth so she's not in the midst of hysterical sleep deprivation, birth recovery and clusterfeeding. Any longer than that and you run the risk she'll get pregnant again.

LIZS · 29/09/2017 18:22

It isn't your place to tell her, it is his. Your duty is to cut contact with him now, although I suspect you may have believed what you chose up until now.

Original poster
namedchangedforthis12345 · 29/09/2017 18:27

I just wanted to say thank you for all replying. It's giving me lots to think about, and I am trying to take everyone's opinions on board.

My ex left for the other woman when I was pregnant, which has made me possibly not very objective and I am trying to get everyone else's wider opinion.

I think the concensus is leaning towards telling her, and I think that is what my gut says too. I just wish I didn't have to.

I feel like a fool, we have so many mutual friends from the past and I'm embarrassed. They all know my ex left when I was pregnant and I'm worried it looks like I'm now involved in a similar situation. I know it's not about me, but I can't help feeling damned every which way.

Thank you for your replies, I'm sorry for those who have been in similar situations Flowers

OP posts:
Original poster
namedchangedforthis12345 · 29/09/2017 18:32

For those who say they suspect I knew, I really didn't. This was my first relationship since Ds dad left (many, many years ago) and I made a conscious decision that I had to trust the person I was with. I didn't want to be snooping around checking phones, I didn't - and don't - want to be that woman.

Because of Ds we have taken it very slow as well, we saw each other about 3/4 times a week. He's never stayed over, though we stayed at a hotel once for my birthday. He never met Ds but we were talking about starting that at half term. I was trying to do things by the book - not rushing it and introducing Ds to a stream of men or someone who wasn't permenant.

OP posts:
Winebottle · 29/09/2017 18:35

I wouldn't tell her. I'm think its best to keep your nose out of other people's marriages. Although he involved you in the situation, you don't want to see him again and so are no longer involved. It is their marriage. Leave them to it.

I do accept though that my view on this is based on the fact in the woman's position I genuinely wouldn't want to know. I would rather carry on blissfully unaware and I think that is a minority view.

So you have been fucking my husband, you have turned my life upside down when I'm about to have a baby, you have humiliated me by getting involved in my marriage and after all that you have the cheek to act like you are doing me some kind of favour. You can fuck right off.

I don't think you will be thanked for saying anything and if that is the case, what motive do you have for saying anything if you don't want to spite him?

Mama234 · 29/09/2017 18:42

I don't think op is looking to be thanked for telling her, Its just what's morally right.
He is putting their baby at risk sleeping around as well as the health of his wife.

TheLegendOfBeans · 29/09/2017 18:42

Winebottle makes a very good point, really search your heart and soul before doing it as there is no "undo" button.

It's one thing to actively think "would I want to know?", but it's entirely another to have it dropped in your lap (as the DW) and have to "deal with it".

It's the lack of understanding about the DW situation that would temper me; is she quite isolated or does she have shitloads of support that she could rely on when the truth comes out? Is she the type that would consider the need for another pair of hands more necessary than a faithful spouse, certainly for the first few weeks?

I stand by the earlier position; the health risk aspect would trouble me greatly. The innocent baby could be at risk who knows?

But as shit as this is that's his responsibility and not yours.

I'd hate to be in your position OP and I completely believe your stance about you not having a Scooby due to taking things v slow.

Argh. Actual Flowers for you and for this poor DW

HackneyP · 29/09/2017 18:47

OP you don't have to justify yourself to people on here questioning how you didn't know. Would they all say the same to his wife? You were duped and it's not a nice feeling and you've been betrayed. I'm sorry this has happened to you.

In his wife's position I would want to know 100%. But really your responsibility isn't to his wife, it's to yourself and your own healing and happiness so do what you like. You have nothing to feel guilty about and nothing to "make up for".

Somerville · 29/09/2017 18:48

I feel like a fool, we have so many mutual friends from the past and I'm embarrassed.

He's the fool who should be embarrassed, OP. Not you.

It's not only his wife he has hurt here, but you too. And having got so close to meeting you child, he could have done damage there too. What a bastard.

One thing that concerns me if you don't tell his wife is the information coming out at a later date. In which case it will look like it was a classic affair, and that you knew he was married. That affects your reputation, since you know so many of the same people, and even potentially is something your child could come to hear about.

So FWIW I'd advise you to tell her for her sake and yours.

TrumpsWigmaker · 29/09/2017 18:49

I would want to know.

For you OP Flowers

WheresMyTaco · 29/09/2017 18:53

I'd rather find out while pregnant than after I'd been trying I raise a baby with some wanker who was never about cause he was shagging all and sundry

HadronCollider · 29/09/2017 19:00

Also, not planning on telling her after baby is born. It will literally be now or not at all.

Why?

Desmondo2016 · 29/09/2017 19:02

To be fair you're unlikely to be his only unfaithful episode so I'm firmly in the tell her camp. Just tell her in the right way then close the book.

aims331 · 29/09/2017 19:10

Please tell her just incase he has given her an STD. Chlamydia and other infections that are not routinely tested for can even cause blindness in newborns. He could have it even if you test negative. Also, if he can have a relationship with you, he can do it with others. If you tell her now then she can make an action plan, get support from midwife etc, sort out housing before baby is born and get tested for std's before she gives birth. Some infections can be so dangerous and she doesn't deserve that nightmare too.

smileyhappypeople · 29/09/2017 19:13

I vote tell her too... for her sake and your own.
If you have mutual friends, even from years ago, how do you know that some of them don't know and are talking about you without your knowledge. I think I would be tempted to tell the world I didn't do it! ha

NameChange30 · 29/09/2017 19:13

I agree with Somerville (as usual Smile)

Please ignore the people who are implying that you knew and criticising you for not noticing the signs or choosing to ignore them. You are a victim in this too (not just his wife) and they are victim blaming. Angry

aims331 · 29/09/2017 19:18

Quoted from NHS website:

'If you have chlamydia that's not treated while you're pregnant, there's a chance you could pass the infection on to your baby. If this happens, your baby may develop an eye infection (conjunctivitis) and lung infection (pneumonia).

Untreated chlamydia in pregnancy may also increase the risk of your baby being born prematurelyy (before 37 weeks of pregnancy) or with a low birth weight, and might mean you're more likely to have a miscarriagee or stillbirthh_.'

HIV can show negative for a few months after exposure and he could of easily had other women on the go. Please tell her Flowers

LavenderDoll · 29/09/2017 19:19

I think you have to tell her.
I would want to know
She deserves to know the truth - although it might seem kinder to keep her in the dark it won't be in the long term.

LazySusan11 · 29/09/2017 19:37

What if you don’t tell her and cut all contact, it’s likely he’ll have another affair and what if they have more children? She has the absolute right to know so she can make an informed decision about her marriage.

Not telling her removes that right which I feel is morally wrong. You didn’t know, you aren’t to blame and I’m sorry you’re in such a tough situation. I found out and then found out everyone in our social circle knew and I was humiliated knowing that not one of my so called friends had the courtesy to tell me he was shagging behind my back.

jeaux90 · 29/09/2017 19:45

I wish I'd know my ex was a cheating bastard when I was pregnant, I made some decisions that I wouldn't have if I had known.

I would tell her whilst she has time to sort out a different birth partner and gather her family around her.

SandyY2K · 29/09/2017 20:04

I'd want to know, so I could get divorced. A man who cheats on a pregnant wife really is very low IMO.

Hairq · 29/09/2017 20:11

I think you have to tell her. She can then make a decision about whether she wants to raise her child with a man like that or not.

Original poster
namedchangedforthis12345 · 29/09/2017 20:12

Thanks to those saying I don't need to justify myself - I do feel guilty for this. I don't want to hurt anyone.

I spoke to my mum about it before, and she says she thinks I should tell her as well. Her view is that she wishes someone had told me before Ds dad left, that I had a full 6 months to prepare myself and get my head around practicalities of new born baby on my own, and that this lady deserves the same chance.

I have done some internet stalking and have her work email address, work phone number and her Instagram account (set to private).

My thoughts so far are: If it was me I think I'd hate a phone call as I wouldn't know how to react, but is an email at work worse? Would she check before then? Instagram, i was thinking I could send a message through so she would see it before she got to work, but as it's private I would Have to add her as a friend first and that just feels voyerostic / mean some how.

I could ask a mutual friend to tell her, but that feels like I'm asking someone else to be complicit in this mess, and I don't trust they would actually do it or decide its better she didn't know.... and then I'm back to feeling like I am airing dirty laundry in public and I don't want her to feel people know or are talking about her.

So.... anybody know the best approach? Thank you again so much. I will probably leave this thread soon as you have all helped me Come to a decision and it feels wrong to keep discussing it or giving updates. Thank you for your help Flowers

OP posts: