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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Would you tell wife of affair if she was 7 months pregnant?

231 replies

namedchangedforthis12345 · 29/09/2017 12:20

I have deliberately name changed for this (honey's blue immaced baby, penguin enclosure date, NY where Mumsnet got shut down etc) because I genuinely didn't know, but am not in a good place to take stick if people don't believe me.... so....

I started seeing a guy about 18 months ago. He was an ex from aprox 10 years ago, and it started out as FWB type thing. I am friends with his sister / mates on fb etc, but he doesn't use it. I am a single parent so he has always come to mine, though I have been to his parents a few times when they were away. I've never thought it odd as I rarely get a babysitter so haven't had opportunity, he just always came here or we met for lunch in town etc. I have always called / texted whenever I pleased. I am trying to cover all bases of our history here so you don't think it was odd!

I discovered last night he is married, and his wife is 7 months pregnant. I am absolutely gutted, angry, ashamed, embarrassed etc. This was 18 bloody months we have been together. I have told him not to contact me again, and have no intention of doing anything to spite him, I just feel numb almost? (ironic given my list of feelings above!)

My question is, do I tell his wife? I have always been a believer that women stick together, but she is due in November and I genuinely am not sure it is better not to know in this situation. For full disclosure, my ex left when I was pregnant, so this may be tainting my view on things too.

Please don't kick me for this, I felt sick when I found out and its been a particularly shitty last 24 hours.

OP posts:
Original poster
namedchangedforthis12345 · 29/09/2017 20:15

Also, do I just send message and say I have evidence if she wants to see it? Or actually include something? I wanted to know everything when my ex left, I literally searched the internet for clues on them both, but it tore me apart and did me no good whatsoever. I was like a woman possessed needing to know though. God, this is shit.

OP posts:
ringle · 29/09/2017 20:22

I think you need to take medical advice. It do not know if shock can bring on labour.
I'm sorry this happened. He is very cruel.

WTAAF · 29/09/2017 20:26

Maybe a gentle message as suggested above, and a link to this thread? You've explained things clearly and fairly dispassionately on here and she'll be able to understand the whole situation and your position clearly.

This might be a terrible idea, I'm sure others will swiftly point it out if so!

SuperSkyRocketing · 29/09/2017 20:28

I'd want to know if I were her.

It sounds like he's extremely good at deceiving people so chances are she doesn't have a clue and possibly never will.

Original poster
namedchangedforthis12345 · 29/09/2017 20:29

Oh god, link to thread I def won't do (in fact I was worried given she's pregnant that she's on here) I just feel like then she'd feel like more people were talking about her / her life.

I've just discovered I can send a message to her on Instagram without being her friend on there. I don't know how prolific a user of it she is though. I just don't want her to find out at work in a public place.

Thank you Flowers

OP posts:
EnglandKeepMyBones · 29/09/2017 20:38

Can you find her on Facebook at all? I think an email would be better than an instagram message but I'd be wary about sending her one to work, Facebook may be the middle ground if it's possible.

I don't envy the situation that twat has left you in OP, but I do think you're doing the right thing by telling his wife. She can't make an informed decision regarding her family without all the facts.

CakesRUs · 29/09/2017 20:38

Pingu73 said it. Get tested and leave them to it. Don't tell her unless he's left you with a medical problem.

retreatwhispering · 29/09/2017 20:44

Honestly? I would try to find a way of meeting her in person.

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 29/09/2017 21:01

I'd have to tell her. Horrible, horrible situation to be in though, for both of you. What an absolute scumbag.

NameChange30 · 29/09/2017 21:06

Thanks for updating, FWIW I'm glad you have decided to tell her and I'm sure you're doing the right thing. Not the easy thing but the right one, so good for you. I think you will be able to walk away with your head held high, I understand the feelings of guilt but you are showing her respect by telling her the truth.

In terms of how to contact her. I think a personal channel would be much better than work email. Ideally you would get hold of her personal email address or mobile number. But if that's not possible then private message on Facebook or Instagram would be ok, I think. I suggest that you keep the message brief, tell her the basic facts, give her your email address and say she can contact you if she wants evidence or has any questions. (I wouldn't send evidence or details in the initial message, it will be enough of a shock as it is.) You could give her your phone number but think carefully about whether you want to risk angry calls/messages! I might wait and see whether/how she responds before giving your number.

Good luck. And well done for doing your bit for the sisterhood 💪

loobyloo1234 · 29/09/2017 21:13

Hi OP
Send on Instagram. It tells you once a message is read in most cases. At least you'll know if she's seen it that way.
Sorry this has happened to you, I have unfortunately been in a similar situation.
What a scumbag he is

WinnieFosterTether · 29/09/2017 21:13

I agree with AnotherEmma tell her you have evidence but don't send it. Let her decide if she wants to see it.

whirlyswirly · 29/09/2017 21:19

I'm so sorry you're in this position. It's just impossible. I know people who seem to exist in a state of benign denial about these things and have turned a blind eye to stuff I wouldn't in order to keep the family together. That's ultimately their own choice and nobody's business.

In my situation the ow's dh told me after giving xh 48 hours to fess up. It was horrific and I wasn't pregnant. It was the right thing to do, but very hard to go through.

My friend found out about her xh when she was 7 months pregnant and set out to throw herself under a train one night. Luckily, at the last minute she called another friend who was able to come and get her. She had no history of mental health issues but the betrayal absolutely floored her. Be very very careful if you're not sure this woman has a good support network around her.

I really don't know what I'd do. I think it should be him telling her, not you.

Unhappyyear1 · 29/09/2017 21:21

Don't send work email as someone else might have it redirected to them if she's out of office.

exhaustedmumof4 · 29/09/2017 21:24

Tell. Definitely tell. She needs the facts so she can decide what to do. And yes, she could have been given an STI. She may decide to stay, or she may divorce his ass and take him to the cleaners but she needs to be given the chance to make the choice for herself. It's her right to know the truth.

whirlyswirly · 29/09/2017 21:27

Actually, fwiw I would have bloody hated to have found out on instagram. Are the posters advising this on here people who've actually experienced this?!

It's chucking a virtually anonymous hand grenade into someone's life.

At least the person who told me appeared to care about how I'd react, told me gently and then checked on me regularly afterwards. We ended up with a friendship afterwards. An unexpected message from a stranger would have been just awful.

MISSINDE · 29/09/2017 21:29

I can't believe the amount of people saying not to tell her! This woman deserves to know so she can LTB!

whirlyswirly · 29/09/2017 21:46

You don't know she would ltb though. Plenty of women don't. All you do know is that you're going to cause someone utter devastation in late pregnancy.

I know I'm projecting but as someone said upthread, you cannot undo this once you've done it. I know this situation is not of your making, the blame is entirely his but do this because you feel it's right and you can live with the potential consequences.

I'll shut up now. All the very best. Flowers

Itsallveryodd · 29/09/2017 21:49

It will devestate her...

To know no now or find out months/years down the line, it's going to ruin her life. That's what deceit does.
To be in the position of the o e that tells her....or leave it and let her find out whenever that time comes????
Who the hell knows which is best.
I think if I was that woman I would rather know sooner rather than later. At least that way I'd be living with the truth no matter how painful and be able to (not so much move o ) but at least make steps to do so

Tatiana1986 · 29/09/2017 21:51

Could you possibly write her a letter (on paper, the old fashioned way) and put it through the letter box or post it? Include your contact details in case she wants evidence?

NameChange30 · 29/09/2017 21:56

An old fashioned letter isn't a bad idea actually. If you know their home address.

hatty44 · 29/09/2017 22:06

If you've been seeing him for 18 months, calling and texting at any time and spending nights together she may well have some deep suspicions anyway....

Laineymc7 · 29/09/2017 22:36

I actually agreed with @shoptherange. I wouldn't tell her when she's 7 months pregnant. I would walk away. This guy is a c u next Tuesday. The fall out could be too great. If anything happened with her/baby you'd blame yourself. You also need to think about yourself in this. You don't want any further problems/grief from when you have young children of your own.

LucieLucie · 29/09/2017 22:55

I think regardless of the shitty timing, she needs and deserves to know so she can make an informed decision about her life with this man.

Living a lie is not fair and by not telling her you are complicit in his deceit rather than victim yourself.

If you think she’s vulnerable then I’d maybe approach a close friend or family member first and disclose all.

As much as it would hurt me being told something like this, the lies behind my back and living a fake life would hurt me more.

So I’d definitely want to know.

DogStrummer · 29/09/2017 23:18

I can't believe the amount of people saying not to tell her! This woman deserves to know so she can LTB!

I agree. The reason affairs are able to go on for so long, is people often keep quiet. I would also not give an ultimatum to the bloke to confess, as he will use the opportunity to put his spin on it, and paint you as some mad shit-stirrer.

A letter is probably the best way to break the news as people have said upthread. For those concerned about doing this while his wife is 7 months pregnant, remember she could find out about this at any time from sources that aren't in the OP's control (texts on a phone, emails, social media, etc.). Now is better than later in this case.