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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Would you tell wife of affair if she was 7 months pregnant?

231 replies

namedchangedforthis12345 · 29/09/2017 12:20

I have deliberately name changed for this (honey's blue immaced baby, penguin enclosure date, NY where Mumsnet got shut down etc) because I genuinely didn't know, but am not in a good place to take stick if people don't believe me.... so....

I started seeing a guy about 18 months ago. He was an ex from aprox 10 years ago, and it started out as FWB type thing. I am friends with his sister / mates on fb etc, but he doesn't use it. I am a single parent so he has always come to mine, though I have been to his parents a few times when they were away. I've never thought it odd as I rarely get a babysitter so haven't had opportunity, he just always came here or we met for lunch in town etc. I have always called / texted whenever I pleased. I am trying to cover all bases of our history here so you don't think it was odd!

I discovered last night he is married, and his wife is 7 months pregnant. I am absolutely gutted, angry, ashamed, embarrassed etc. This was 18 bloody months we have been together. I have told him not to contact me again, and have no intention of doing anything to spite him, I just feel numb almost? (ironic given my list of feelings above!)

My question is, do I tell his wife? I have always been a believer that women stick together, but she is due in November and I genuinely am not sure it is better not to know in this situation. For full disclosure, my ex left when I was pregnant, so this may be tainting my view on things too.

Please don't kick me for this, I felt sick when I found out and its been a particularly shitty last 24 hours.

OP posts:

magoria · 29/09/2017 23:23

I would just explain the bare facts.

You thought he was single and have been FWB/dating for 18 months however you found out about her last week and as such you have ended all contact with him. You are sorry for any upset you cause from sending the message. If he denies you have stuff you are willing to send her if she asks for it.

MumBod · 30/09/2017 06:30

Could you write a letter to his mum, if you know her?

Might be a crap idea, I don't know, biut she'll have more idea of her DIL's health and whether she's the type who'd want to know etc.

springsummerautumnwinter · 30/09/2017 10:18

I am glad you are thinking of telling her. She can now chose the give the baby her surname if she want/wasn't going to already. She can get the support from friends and family for when she has her newborn.

pingu73 · 30/09/2017 10:48

Look guys what irritates me as a woman is that whatever this a hole has done he is still the father so the child is half his!!
I am sick of my gender making statement like not wanting him at the birth etc etc
It is NOT a woman’s right to right to play judge and jury with a child.
I think he’s behaved appalling however it’s his baby too
Women saying all this stuff do genuine women with abusive relationships no good as we are all tarred with the same bitter brush

ChicRock · 30/09/2017 10:52

It is absolutely a woman's right to say she will not have her cheating husband at the birth of their child.

NameChange30 · 30/09/2017 10:56

Hear hear, Chic.

pingu73 · 30/09/2017 10:56

Chicroc
Try that one in court and let’s see how far you get!!

ChicRock · 30/09/2017 10:57

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

pingu73 · 30/09/2017 10:59

Is there need for abuse??
You have lost control not me.

aims331 · 30/09/2017 10:59

A woman can decide who will be her birthing partner. That is HER decision. Nobody can force a woman to have her husband at the birth women refuse all the time and throughout history sometimes men haven't been in the room. The midwives will tell the man to disappear. Also a woman can leave any relationship she likes regardless of whether children are involved. Nobody said anything about keeping him away from the kids?

NameChange30 · 30/09/2017 11:01

"Try that one in court"?!!!

pingu73 · 30/09/2017 11:04

There are a lot of women that use children to punish and it’s wrong!

LavenderDoll · 30/09/2017 11:05

Pingu try what in court? No court would force a woman to have the father at the birth.....

llangennith · 30/09/2017 11:07

Absolutely not!

aims331 · 30/09/2017 11:09

That's a bit of a harsh statement. Some women do but others try and get on with the break up, arrange a good routine for the children etc. I don't understand why a woman should have her vag on display to a man who wrecked the marriage and caused her emotional distress just so he can have first dibs at meeting baby? Birth is a very intimate and vulnerable part of a woman's life and I don't understand why an ex partner needs to be there if a woman doesn't want them to be. A woman doesn't need added emotional stress at that moment of her life tbh

NameChange30 · 30/09/2017 11:19

pingu is proof that you don't have to be male to be a misogynist.

WheresMyTaco · 30/09/2017 11:21

Pingu, do you really think that a court can let a man in to the birth??

NameChange30 · 30/09/2017 11:23

I doubt pingu has ever given birth, I don't think any woman who has could argue about the father's "right" to be there in such an ignorant way.

stitchglitched · 30/09/2017 11:28

Fathers have zero rights over any aspect of pregnancy and childbirth pingu. What on earth do you think a court would do?

JemimaLovesHamble · 30/09/2017 11:32

I don't think there is any reason to ruin her experience of the birth of her baby and those early months. You don't get that back

It would be tainted retroactively though if she later found out he was shagging around during that time.
.

alltalknobaby · 30/09/2017 11:33

I think you have made the right decision to tell her. I'd want to know as soon as possible.

Angelf1sh · 30/09/2017 11:33

Pingu73 no court would order a woman to have someone present during childbirth. It's her choice. Contact with the child after it's born is different, but the birth is her choice. Currently the child doesn't legally exist, it's her body, her experiences, her rights, her choices.

I'd tell her. But be brief and stick to the facts. I'd do it in writing so that you don't have to be (unfairly) shouted at. It's dreadful timing for her but that's not your fault.

PhelanGood · 30/09/2017 11:33

I would want to be told. What if she already suspects something, which is likely, or her gut begins to tell her somethings off? What if she hears rumours and this bastard makes her out to be crazy and para pid for believing them?

The stress of being with someone lying and gaslighting her is far worse than having the truth under her belt and being free to act accordingly. Us pregnant ladies are resilient tigers, not some fragile pussies to be pitied and sheltered.

All I would say is you will need to attach some kind of proof in your message, or she probably won't believe it and he will dismiss you as some jealous vindictive harpy. Good luck and I am so sorry you are going through this.

PhelanGood · 30/09/2017 11:34

**Paranoid not para pid!

Cakecrumbsinmybra · 30/09/2017 12:07

I would want to know. Absolutely, definitely, 100%.

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