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Original poster

Would you tell wife of affair if she was 7 months pregnant?

231 replies

namedchangedforthis12345 · 29/09/2017 12:20

I have deliberately name changed for this (honey's blue immaced baby, penguin enclosure date, NY where Mumsnet got shut down etc) because I genuinely didn't know, but am not in a good place to take stick if people don't believe me.... so....

I started seeing a guy about 18 months ago. He was an ex from aprox 10 years ago, and it started out as FWB type thing. I am friends with his sister / mates on fb etc, but he doesn't use it. I am a single parent so he has always come to mine, though I have been to his parents a few times when they were away. I've never thought it odd as I rarely get a babysitter so haven't had opportunity, he just always came here or we met for lunch in town etc. I have always called / texted whenever I pleased. I am trying to cover all bases of our history here so you don't think it was odd!

I discovered last night he is married, and his wife is 7 months pregnant. I am absolutely gutted, angry, ashamed, embarrassed etc. This was 18 bloody months we have been together. I have told him not to contact me again, and have no intention of doing anything to spite him, I just feel numb almost? (ironic given my list of feelings above!)

My question is, do I tell his wife? I have always been a believer that women stick together, but she is due in November and I genuinely am not sure it is better not to know in this situation. For full disclosure, my ex left when I was pregnant, so this may be tainting my view on things too.

Please don't kick me for this, I felt sick when I found out and its been a particularly shitty last 24 hours.

OP posts:

PetitFilous123 · 29/09/2017 16:33

I found out my Husband had been having an "emotional affair" with a woman from his online gaming community. He, to my knowledge, then met her at least twice for sex. I was 30 weeks pregnant when i found out by chance because he had been involved in an accident.

Knowing what had happened certainly dented my pre and post baby excitement to say the least, and sometimes I wish I had never found out, but I don't blame the OW because although unlike you she knew he was married, it is him who owed me fidelity not her.

I'm not sure I will be helpful, but even though women often say they would rather know than not know, I think my life would have been much happier if I never knew.

notapizzaeater · 29/09/2017 16:40

I'd send the message above, I'd want to know so she has time before the baby gets here to decide what she wants to do. I think it would be much harder to decide after the event

TheLegendOfBeans · 29/09/2017 16:40

This is so hard as - taking a moment to really really think "what would I do if I found out my husband was cheating on me" (and I'm currently 37 weeks pregnant) like others, I'd want to know. Is it their first child?

My nearest living relatives and friends are 600 miles from where i call home and I'd be on the first train out of Euston if I found out he was cheating on me.

HOWEVER - and I've posted about this before on other "should I tell the wife" threads - I believe there are some folk out there who have a strong inkling their DP is a cheat yet for the sake of an easy life turn a blind eye. It's common in the industry that dominates where I'm from originally.

Unlike other OWs who want to tell the DW to force a marital breakdown it's evident that's not the OPs intention here. It's imperative that the OP makes sure she's got her ducks in a row though as the last thing you want is to be putting yourself or DS in danger from the wrath of an angry man.

On balance, I'd tell her. If for no other reasons than the STI thing as the risk that could pose to the innocent baby is real. You don't know where else he's been dipping his wick.

In conclusion; I find it hard but not impossible to believe the DW has been bouncing along in a bubble of ignorance for a year and a half but some guys are adept liars. This guy has nobody to blame but himself for you blowing his world apart.

Just stand well back when you light the blue touch paper and block/delete him off all media and notify a friend or family member what you've done lest there be repercussions.

JamOrCreamFirst · 29/09/2017 16:47

How would you tell her, OP? How will you get her contact details?

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 29/09/2017 16:47

Tell her.

Sure it's there in the room, but it's not actually hurt her yet.

That’s not a reasonable justification. If you’re sticking with the bomb analogy; then that would be the same as knowing there was a bomb somewhere she spent a lot of time, and not telling her. You didn’t put it there; so why would you?

When she finds out, and she will, it’ll taint all the early memories, because he’ll be involved and she didn’t know. She deserves better than that.

You can’t avoid the pain for her; it’s happened. You can not tell her, but you’ll always know, and she eventually will. There’s no resetting the clock here.

mummabubs · 29/09/2017 16:49

Personally I'd want to know (and I'm a married lady at 39 weeks pregnant with their first child). I'm not saying it wouldn't be hideous and unbearably painful, but I would want to know rather than find out later on.

Also as far as I'm aware I've never been tested for STDs during pregnancy- the urine tests samples are only used to check for sugar, proteins and UTIs, not STDs? It's up to you OP, I was with someone for a similar length of time before DH who turned out they'd never ended their previous long term relationship. I was devastated and thought seriously about telling his previous/current girlfriend, however she was quite openly violent and aggressive and it turns out already knew that he'd cheated on her before I came along (and within a couple of months of me being gone he'd already started seeing someone else on the side too). I've often wondered if not saying anything was the right thing but in your situation the fact that they are married and she's pregnant would make me feel she needed to know before baby comes along and it gets even messier for her to decide his role with their child...

Just sorry you've had to go through this OP xx

glitterlips1 · 29/09/2017 16:49

I would tell her and I would want to know.

user1494426473 · 29/09/2017 16:56

Tell her. 100%. She deserves the opportunity to begin to make plans for how she's going to deal with her shitbag of a husband, whether that be to pack her bags and leave him or to start counselling and try to work through it.

The pain will be immense whenever she finds out. Better to know now and at least give her the opportunity to have the upper hand when she confronts him than to tell her in a few months' time when she'll simply look back on this time as having been a complete sham and potentially feel like she was taken for a mug. It will make this period of her life painful but at least it will be real and authentic and she'll be afforded the dignity of being fully informed rather than a pretence.

Isetan · 29/09/2017 16:57

How did you go to his parents place loads and not meet them? Anyway, this man is all kinds of a shit and I would tell his wife. Gather the evidence and tell her after she gives birth. He's already tossed the grenade, the explosion is just delayed.

JaneEyre70 · 29/09/2017 16:57

I would want to know. He's an arsehole but she is the innocent party too and deserves the truth, however painful. She may forgive him but then it's her choice - at the moment, she has none.

99blueballoons · 29/09/2017 17:07

Tell her- if it was me I would have really wanted to know. I have a 5 month old baby and if my dh had cheated it would have been so much easier to deal with news like that when I was heavily pregnant and be strong enough to do something about it than it would now. My dh has since been by my side while I gave birth, shared so many family memories and I've trusted him to support me with breastfeeding etc. It would taint all of that. I'm busy dealing with the baby and down to maternity pay now and that makes it logistically a bit more difficult. I would also have gone straight to my midwife and asked for advice about sti tests and been able to make sure nothing affected the baby.

LazySusan11 · 29/09/2017 17:13

In her position would you want to know? I’m always surprised at the don’t tell her camp, why shouldn’t you let the other person know the man/woman they’re married to has betrayed them and give them the choice to decide if they stay and work it out or leave.

It’s awful to leave a person in the dark over something like this.

ShopTheRange · 29/09/2017 17:21

op This happened to my friend. Similar sort of story. Her DH was having a long term affair with someone at work- around 2 years. He had been with my friend for 3.

The OW's DH found out and told my friend. She was 2 weeks away from giving birth. He didn't know that at the time, maybe this may have affected his decision- I don't know.

Let me tell you this. It was absolutely horrific. It was a very very stressful and extremely hard time for my DF. She gave birth a week early - don't know if due to the stress but could be very likely. She still hadn't obviously come to terms with everything by then and her birth experience was very difficult. Her mum and one our friends were with her at the birth.

She cried during the labour thinking how shit it was going to be for her as a single mum. She felt so much grief for the family that she so wanted for her newborn baby. It was meant to be a lovely time for her but it wasn't. After the baby was born she was diagnosed with pnd which she got help for but it took her almost 18 months to get back on her feet and "normal" again.

Her mental health and her physical health were affected not to mention her initial bond with the baby as there was a point her mum looked after the baby when she was too unwell.

She always said that she wishes that she didn't know until after when she didn't feel so vulnerable and fragile. Having a baby is hard enough without the stress of other shit.

I'm not saying this woman will be like my DF but you don't know how someone will take something like this ESP when they are already in a vulnerable situation. It's obviously up to you but I wanted to share my own experience with this.

Undercoverbanana · 29/09/2017 17:22

I think she should know now.

She has 2 months to get her ducks in a row.

TellMeIAmBonkers · 29/09/2017 17:25

I take quite a hard line on this.

My personal belief is that cheating violates the consent in a relationship.

If the wife would refuse to sleep with the husband if she knew the full facts of his affair, then by not telling her, you and the husband are denying her the opportunity to give informed consent.

Others may disagree with me but I really feel that men who lie in order to obtain sex are in the same ballpark as rapists.

For this reason I would always tell.

WinnieFosterTether · 29/09/2017 17:27

I would worry about affecting his DW's pregnancy. You have no idea if she is high risk or not.
Because of this, I would be tempted to contact someone close to her eg her DM or could you contact the DSIS you were friends with?
It's a shitty situation. If you contact DW through someone else then it's giving them the hard decision and potentially putting a wedge in their relationship. If you speak to the DSIS, it's likely she will blame you.
If only the cheating arse had spared two seconds to think about other people in the first place.

cheesetoast · 29/09/2017 17:36

I would want to know. From personal experience and from friends chat, one of the aspects which hurts the most is knowing that other people knew. You can't help but feel they were getting jollies out of laughing at your stupidity. Or didn't care enough about you to tell you.

Tell her.

NameChange30 · 29/09/2017 17:42

TellMe
Really interesting point about informed consent. I never thought of it that way.

PastysPrincess · 29/09/2017 17:45

@TellMIAmBonkers fantastic point, that had never occurred to me but you are quite right in my opinion.

LuckLuckLUCK · 29/09/2017 17:50

I would want to know

ieatmydinner · 29/09/2017 17:54

I'm sorry this has happened to you OP.

I personally would walk away and focus my energy on processing it, learning from it and move on.

As pp's have said, there is a risk of causing harm to the pregnancy. Think how vulnerable you are feeling? Throw in hormones and a life built on a lie and who knows what could happen.

Have you thought of the possibility that his wife may know about her husbands behaviour already? He sounds like an experienced cheat - I wouldn't be surprised if has done this before.

abigailgabble · 29/09/2017 17:55

if it were me i'd want to know. evil bastard.

stitchglitched · 29/09/2017 17:55

Completely agree with you TellMe.

OP you should tell her. She might be driving herself crazy wondering what is going on, whilst her husband lies to and gaslights her. She deserves the right to make an informed choice based upon the facts, she is currently under the assumption she is in a monogamous relationship and won't know that she needs to protect her sexual health and that her baby may be at risk.

The idea not to tell her in order to protect her at this vulnerable time would mean treating her like a child who needs to be shielded from the reality of her life. She is an adult, about to become a parent, and should be given enough respect to be told the truth.

peachgreen · 29/09/2017 17:56

I’m pregnant and married and I would want to know. So sorry you’ve had to go through this OP.

RidingWindhorses · 29/09/2017 18:06

I've never had a baby so I don't know how I would feel, but it seems the majority of pregnant women on here would want to know now so they could make provision for the child.

That makes sense.

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