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Original poster

Would you tell wife of affair if she was 7 months pregnant?

231 replies

namedchangedforthis12345 · 29/09/2017 12:20

I have deliberately name changed for this (honey's blue immaced baby, penguin enclosure date, NY where Mumsnet got shut down etc) because I genuinely didn't know, but am not in a good place to take stick if people don't believe me.... so....

I started seeing a guy about 18 months ago. He was an ex from aprox 10 years ago, and it started out as FWB type thing. I am friends with his sister / mates on fb etc, but he doesn't use it. I am a single parent so he has always come to mine, though I have been to his parents a few times when they were away. I've never thought it odd as I rarely get a babysitter so haven't had opportunity, he just always came here or we met for lunch in town etc. I have always called / texted whenever I pleased. I am trying to cover all bases of our history here so you don't think it was odd!

I discovered last night he is married, and his wife is 7 months pregnant. I am absolutely gutted, angry, ashamed, embarrassed etc. This was 18 bloody months we have been together. I have told him not to contact me again, and have no intention of doing anything to spite him, I just feel numb almost? (ironic given my list of feelings above!)

My question is, do I tell his wife? I have always been a believer that women stick together, but she is due in November and I genuinely am not sure it is better not to know in this situation. For full disclosure, my ex left when I was pregnant, so this may be tainting my view on things too.

Please don't kick me for this, I felt sick when I found out and its been a particularly shitty last 24 hours.

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 29/09/2017 13:02

size
"Yes, it would destroy my life, but at least I wouldn't give birth with a scumbag as my birthing partner. The thought of him being there as I was at my most vulnerable and my being in the dark to it all would be a real kicker for me."

Totally agree with this.

Original poster
namedchangedforthis12345 · 29/09/2017 13:10

millifori I didn't think he was single - I thought he was with me Sad I just never assumed he was seeing other people never mind married. I know where he lives, his family / friends etc. It just never occurred to me - and as I'm not particularly prolific on fb, I guess it never flagged up to anyone else either.

Dont I know what you mean, I just feel like if I tell her then I'm the one setting off the bomb. Sure it's there in the room, but it's not actually hurt her yet.

I hate that I'm in this position. He's an utter bastard for doing this to people he was meant to care about.

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 29/09/2017 13:10

Really milli ??
Thousands of men out there profess to being single but aren't.
Yes, they are called liars!

OP, I always always say people should tell the wife.
I was cheated on and people didn't tell me who actually did know and it hurts like hell.
However.... I'm undecided in this instance.
The stress could cause issues to baby etc...

And poor you as well.
18 months with a person and then to find out this.
Please do look after yourself.

TheStoic · 29/09/2017 13:11

Why did he tell you?

LifeofClimb · 29/09/2017 13:14

namedchangedforthis12345 - don't beat yourself up, he is the asshole, he is the person who cheated, not you. You weren't complicit! Although they've been together longer so that makes you the "other woman" - he has technically cheated on you too. He lied to you.

If I was you, I think I'd tell the wife, if I could. I do say that though as someone who has never been pregnant so I don't know if it's wise to wait until after the baby is born. Would it be worth waiting until the baby is born, then tell her? So she doesn't have a stressful labour or affect the baby? It's horrible but wouldn't it be worse for her to find out after another 3 or 5 or 10 years?

LellyMcKelly · 29/09/2017 13:18

If I was the wife I would 100% want to know. This is a horrible situation for you (and for her) but I wouldn't want a cheating scumbag like that near me and my new baby.

DontDrinkDontSmoke · 29/09/2017 13:18

How did you find out in the end?

Original poster
namedchangedforthis12345 · 29/09/2017 13:18

Thestoic he didn't, I bumped into a very vague aquantence of us both from about 10 years ago. We were having a catch up / general update on everyone we mutually know - she said "ooh and x's wife is nearly due now, their baby is due next month I think" and I just froze. I didn't say anything to her - just because I was so confused / didn't know what the hell to say. I rang him from the car and he went quiet, then told me it was true. He then texted that he wanted to tell me last week but it had been too hard.

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 29/09/2017 13:20

"He then texted that he wanted to tell me last week but it had been too hard."

There aren't enough insults to convey what a spineless fuck he is.

ToddlersAndCoffee · 29/09/2017 13:21

I would want to know so I could leave him. She should know so she can hopefully do the same.

TheStoic · 29/09/2017 13:24

Ugh. He wanted to tell you last week? Why not 18 months ago. Spineless men make my skin crawl.

Sequence · 29/09/2017 13:26

I agree with those saying tell her now. There are the health concerns, and it also gives her the chance to decide to give birth without him there instead of looking back months down the line knowing he had been betraying her all the while. No, this obviously isn't a good time to find out, but if you wait to tell her when she's exhausted with a small baby, it could be harder for her to seek support, or put new arrangements in place at that point. So I say tell her now.

ChicRock · 29/09/2017 13:26

So in 18 months you've never met his family, gone to a family get together as a couple, gone to his house, gone out as a couple with any of his friends or work colleagues, gone on a weekend away or holiday together? And you didn't think this was odd?

The fact that he's taken you to his parents empty house while they were on holiday, presumably for a shag... yuk. It didn't strike you as strange that you weren't going to his place instead?

I'd tell the wife. She's planned a baby and a future with this creep whilst he's been shagging you in his parents spare room. Grim.

MillicentFawcett · 29/09/2017 13:27

I would tell her. To me, it's not the fucking someone else that's the big issue with infidelity (and I appreciate that's quite a personal perspective), it's the duplicity.

I would want to know

Original poster
namedchangedforthis12345 · 29/09/2017 13:28

Yes, the timing of last week stuck in my throat too. I have to goto school assembly thingy now but I haven't disappeared, will be back later.

Still not much clearer, but will re-read everyone's replies later and try formulate a way forward.

Thank you for all being lovely by the way, I keep crying then feeling awful as really, I've had a lucky escape Flowers

OP posts:
Thingywhatsit · 29/09/2017 13:28

I think you are going to have to tell her - if I was the wife I would prefer knowing even though it meant my world completely crashing down around me.

Timing is not ideal - but it will be even worse in a months time.

I expect he will also try and cover his tracks and put the blame onto you when his wife finds out - so whatever you do don't delete your message history with him

Doublechocolatetiffin · 29/09/2017 13:28

I would want to know immediately, finding out when pregnant would be really hard but imo better than when you're a few months into sleep deprivation with a small child.

Give her time to get her life sorted before the baby arrives, tell her now. i think she deserves to know.

yetmorecrap · 29/09/2017 13:29

I personally would want to know if Iw as in that position. Devastating yes, but so will be discovering this kind of crap 6 months down the line.

I would be very factual and say how sorry you are and that you had no idea whatsoever and that you were in a dilemma if to say anything or not but realised that if this was you, you would want to know.

Lenl · 29/09/2017 13:30

I'd have wanted to know. What a PP said about looking back on the early months like we were a happy family when we weren't really would be awful. Telling her allows her to make her own decisions. I'd also rather know at 7 months pregnant rather than 9 months pregnant. Hopefully that gives her a few weeks to compute before the baby actually arrives rather than trying to think about it in the fog of hormones after the birth.

Original poster
namedchangedforthis12345 · 29/09/2017 13:30

Chic I'm a single parent and I haven't had him meet my DS yet (small mercies - it was on the cards) so it's made stuff like that really hard. It was probably me holding back more than him to be honest. Mostly he just came round mine. His parents house is closer than his logistically as well, I've been there loads before, it just didn't seem weird to me. He was so open with me - I could call when ever I liked, I don't get it either.

OP posts:
FairyMcHairy · 29/09/2017 13:31

Firstly, this man is an utter fuck.

Secondly, like a PP I am a 7 months pregnant married woman. I think I would much rather find out now than down the line.

Aquamarine1029 · 29/09/2017 13:34

This is really hard. Personally, I would want to know, even though it would be awful. It's worse to live a lie. If you knew he was a cheat with secondhand information, I would probably advise NOT to tell, just in case you might be wrong, but this is different because YOU are the OW. My biggest concern for you is the possible consequences of telling her - could this man become violent and try to seek revenge by hurting you or your child? Desperate, enraged people do very crazy things sometimes. I just don't know what you should do.

Racmactac · 29/09/2017 13:39

I would tell her. She's got 2 months before baby due.
Imagine finding out after that the whole build up and early days are a lie.
No wonder he's not been in touch he's probably scared you are going to tell her

PerfectPenquins · 29/09/2017 13:40

Send her all the proof you have in one go any messages photos etc and let her digest it. Be available to her if she has questions but make it clear you finished it as soon as you found out he was married.

It would really grind on me if someone waited to tell me as they think they know best. I would want to know and have experienced finding out months later it makes everything in that time become a lie and soiled so it will still ruin the birth experience there is no way round it but at least give her the power to make the decisions on her own life.

NameChange30 · 29/09/2017 13:40

I agree with all the PPs saying the sooner you tell her, the better.

I have a 6 month old baby and finding out something like that at 7 months pregnant would be devastating but a million times less so than later on. The last 6 months have been the hardest of my life and if I'd found out something like that it may well have tipped me over the edge.

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