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Original poster

Would you tell wife of affair if she was 7 months pregnant?

231 replies

namedchangedforthis12345 · 29/09/2017 12:20

I have deliberately name changed for this (honey's blue immaced baby, penguin enclosure date, NY where Mumsnet got shut down etc) because I genuinely didn't know, but am not in a good place to take stick if people don't believe me.... so....

I started seeing a guy about 18 months ago. He was an ex from aprox 10 years ago, and it started out as FWB type thing. I am friends with his sister / mates on fb etc, but he doesn't use it. I am a single parent so he has always come to mine, though I have been to his parents a few times when they were away. I've never thought it odd as I rarely get a babysitter so haven't had opportunity, he just always came here or we met for lunch in town etc. I have always called / texted whenever I pleased. I am trying to cover all bases of our history here so you don't think it was odd!

I discovered last night he is married, and his wife is 7 months pregnant. I am absolutely gutted, angry, ashamed, embarrassed etc. This was 18 bloody months we have been together. I have told him not to contact me again, and have no intention of doing anything to spite him, I just feel numb almost? (ironic given my list of feelings above!)

My question is, do I tell his wife? I have always been a believer that women stick together, but she is due in November and I genuinely am not sure it is better not to know in this situation. For full disclosure, my ex left when I was pregnant, so this may be tainting my view on things too.

Please don't kick me for this, I felt sick when I found out and its been a particularly shitty last 24 hours.

OP posts:
PressPaws · 29/09/2017 15:07

I would tell her. Yes, it's a vulnerable time for her - that's even more reason why she needs to know everything, so she can make informed decisions about the rest of her pregnancy, the birth, and her life after that. He is currently the one with all the information, so he's the one in control, without her even knowing it. It's grossly unfair. That's why I'd want to know, even though it would be incredibly painful.

Somerville · 29/09/2017 15:09

I'd tell, because I'd want to know. (And I say that with a 3 week old baby in my arms.)

Actually, I'd send him one final message, telling him that he needs to tell his wife everything immediately, or that I will.

You have enough mutual acquaintances that he'll know you can easily find out if he tells her or not.

AnnabelleLecter · 29/09/2017 15:12

Just tell her. I'd definitely want to know.
I don't get meeting at his parents house when they were away because it made logistic sense? I would smell a rat at that suggestion. DH's parents place was a couple of streets away from where I lived but we never went there when they were away. We went to each others place miles apart. Seems odd and not what grown ups do ime and sneaky more like what some teenagers would do.

Original poster
namedchangedforthis12345 · 29/09/2017 15:18

With regards to not going to his place, I went to his flat years ago when we first dated - I am under the impression he is still there, though actually the wife / child information makes that unlikely. It was very studenty, a 1 bed place about an hour away from me (with the city centre and his parents in the middle) I just assumed I had been there, but it wasn't somewhere I was keen to revisit as my place was more comfortable.

His parents has a pool, so it wasn't so odd to go there to hang out either. I don't know.

OP posts:
ToddlersAndCoffee · 29/09/2017 15:23

Do you think maybe they have recently got back together again? Maybe they were on a 'break' im just surprised there were no pictures of her on his Facebook? Even tagged ones?

ProfessorCat · 29/09/2017 15:26

Oh my gosh, tell her. She needs to know. How could you not?

thecakefairy · 29/09/2017 15:31

I wouldn't tell her.
What do you get out of her knowing? PPs are saying they'd do it out of concern but it's his job to be concerned about her welfare, not yours.
You've both been really badly treated.
I'm really having trouble with the fact he was so available and able to take calls and see you frequently.
That seems quite rare in these situations.
When he came to your place, did he stay over or did he leave later at night?
I suppose he could say he was out with his mates.

Santawontbelong · 29/09/2017 15:39

She needs to know right now before her baby arrives.
Imagine all her first memories as a dm and him as a df, planning as a family and then she finds out. Maybe not about you but the next affair he has - if he thinks he has got away with this one there will be another.
She deserves to be able to plan for her future as a single dm - before she is one.

WaxWaxWax · 29/09/2017 15:41

In your position I wouldn't tell.

TBH I can't see how you never twigged that something was "off"... for 3 months or so maybe, but 18 months? The whole thing about going to his parents house and thinking he still lives in the same student flat that he did 10 years ago... If that's the case, you two really didn't do much talking, did you? Confused

I think his wife might struggle with believing that.

Walk away and don't have contact or anything to do with him ever again.

Moanyoldcow · 29/09/2017 15:45

I'm currently nearly 5 months pregnant.

I would absolutely want to know before having the baby so I could get rid of him before the baby arrived so he can't ruin those first weeks.

And pre-eclampsia isn't caused by a stressful incident - whilst hearing the news will be awful for her you are unlikely to cause any real problems. It would be far worse finding out when she thinks her life is wonderful with a new baby and loving husband.

cherrycola2004 · 29/09/2017 15:52

If anyone should tell her it should be HIM! Make him confess.

BackInTheRoom · 29/09/2017 15:54

What Wax said. I can't (although I want to) believe that the OP didn't have an inkling he had a significant other in the shadows....

GotToGetMyFingerOut · 29/09/2017 15:58

My boyfriend was cheating when I was pregnant. I had my suspicions but never actually found out. Until my baby was six weeks pregnant and I found out because she was talking about it on the bus behind my cousin.

I wish I'd known. Personally I'd tell her. She deserves to know.

Santawontbelong · 29/09/2017 16:03

Bet he has put any suspicions she has been having down to hormones!

lapetitesiren · 29/09/2017 16:04

If you don't tell her then her life is a lie. She deserves to know so that she can make choices. You must be devastated.

fortheloveofpancakes · 29/09/2017 16:09

Do her a massive favour and tell her now.
It’s really shitty to look back at family memories and know that they are a sham.
The poor woman then has 2 months to sort it out.
She may well forgive him and they move on or they split but at least she knows where she stands.
I would want to know, pregnant or not.

smeerf · 29/09/2017 16:11

As a pregnant woman (admittedly only 5 months not 7), I would want to know. That poor woman deserves the opportunity to make up her own mind whether to remain in a relationship with him.

GotToGetMyFingerOut · 29/09/2017 16:13

In my previous post, I meant I didn't find out until my baby was six weeks old.

Can't stress enough how much I wish I'd known before. The deceit and betrayal was heartbreaking but knowing that it had all been a lie and I'd went through pregnancy and birth and those first few weeks of my babies life thinking he was as happy and loved up as me and he hadn't and it was all fake was devastating. Completely ruined the first year of my daughters life for me.

I'd rather of known at seven months and went into it knowing the truth.

JigglyTuff · 29/09/2017 16:15

Her life has been a lie for the past 18 months. It would be really cruel to extend that any longer

BewareOfDragons · 29/09/2017 16:21

I would want to know if it was me.

Give her a chance to make her own decisions about her scumbag creep of a husband.

You haven't done anything wrong. He has.

MotherOfBeagles · 29/09/2017 16:22

Currently 36 weeks pregnant and I would want to know.

Yes it would be horrific and heartbreaking but I would still want to know.

Not had a single test since my very first blood test that would show up STDs to start with. Secondly as others have said yes the stress would be horrific but it doesn't cause pre-eclampsia.

I'm not judging you. But you can't let this woman go into labour and those first few months of having a baby with a man who has done this to her without saying something.

I really hope you can get past this soon! Good luck!

Smartiepants87 · 29/09/2017 16:23

I suspect my ex was cheating on me when I was pregnant not a 100 percent but he definitely cheated on after DS was born I wish I had found out before having DS because the biggest thing was looking back on everything and thinking what was real and what was fake.

PastysPrincess · 29/09/2017 16:24

I would tell her simply for the fact that she and the baby need checking over. If he has been lying to the both if you, you cant rely on him getting himself tested to find if he has passed anything on. Correct me if I'm wrong but I'm sure there are diseases that can be passed via the birth canal so the sooner she gets tested and treated the better.

Theworldisfullofidiots · 29/09/2017 16:29

By not telling her you are taking away her choice.

schmoopy · 29/09/2017 16:32

As much as anything, sorting out a new life and benefits, if necessary, and somewhere else to live, if necessary, and all of that is far easier when the baby is inside you and so portable and requiring of very few things.

Doing all of that with a crying infant in tow is far harder.

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