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Original poster

Would you tell wife of affair if she was 7 months pregnant?

231 replies

namedchangedforthis12345 · 29/09/2017 12:20

I have deliberately name changed for this (honey's blue immaced baby, penguin enclosure date, NY where Mumsnet got shut down etc) because I genuinely didn't know, but am not in a good place to take stick if people don't believe me.... so....

I started seeing a guy about 18 months ago. He was an ex from aprox 10 years ago, and it started out as FWB type thing. I am friends with his sister / mates on fb etc, but he doesn't use it. I am a single parent so he has always come to mine, though I have been to his parents a few times when they were away. I've never thought it odd as I rarely get a babysitter so haven't had opportunity, he just always came here or we met for lunch in town etc. I have always called / texted whenever I pleased. I am trying to cover all bases of our history here so you don't think it was odd!

I discovered last night he is married, and his wife is 7 months pregnant. I am absolutely gutted, angry, ashamed, embarrassed etc. This was 18 bloody months we have been together. I have told him not to contact me again, and have no intention of doing anything to spite him, I just feel numb almost? (ironic given my list of feelings above!)

My question is, do I tell his wife? I have always been a believer that women stick together, but she is due in November and I genuinely am not sure it is better not to know in this situation. For full disclosure, my ex left when I was pregnant, so this may be tainting my view on things too.

Please don't kick me for this, I felt sick when I found out and its been a particularly shitty last 24 hours.

OP posts:
poorbuthappy · 29/09/2017 13:42

I always think I’d want to know.

Quelto4 · 29/09/2017 13:43

This is awful, in future you make sure you go to their place. His poor wife. I don't know whether I could bring myself to tell her, I would hate hurting her. I do however think if were me, I would rather know. It's going to be so hard on this woman, I wouldn't want him, couldn't trust him again, it's all the lies that made this affair possible, she doesn't know him at all, he would still be doing it if he hadn't been rumbled.

Viviennemary · 29/09/2017 13:44

No I don't think you should tell her. Just keep away and try and be a bit more aware in your next relationship. In any case pregnant women are tested for STDs AFAIK.

NameChange30 · 29/09/2017 13:49

"In any case pregnant women are tested for STDs AFAIK."
Oh that's alright then Hmm
You only get tested at the beginning and it's not a full sexual health screening, just HIV if I remember rightly.
STD or not, it's still a huge betrayal and she still deserves to know.

Ttbb · 29/09/2017 13:52

Not until after she gives birth. You don't want to hurt the baby.

greendale17 · 29/09/2017 13:54

I would be more devastated to find out after the birth.

I would tell her now

OliviaBenson · 29/09/2017 13:55

Dont wait until after the baby. Tell her now so she can make plans going forward. Waiting would be far far worse.

I'm sorry op. What a scumbag.?

elevenclips · 29/09/2017 14:00

Just walk away. Completely get yourself away from the whole sorry situation.

It's likely there is no STD problem. You should get an STD check yourself and if that comes back clean, I'd take no further action.

Pregnant women are tested for some STDs anyway.

Plus I really think at 7 months pregnant you shouldn't let the bomb off. She might be unable to eat or sleep, be shaking, physical symptoms of stress and trauma etc. None of that is good for her baby so you definitely shouldn't tell her whilst pregnant.

TatianaLarina · 29/09/2017 14:05

I would want to know for sure, I'm just not sure I'd want to know at 7 months. It would depend on the pregnancy.

I might leave it until after the birth. There is no right time to find this out though.

RosyPony · 29/09/2017 14:14

As someone currently 8 months pregnant, I wouldn't tell her. If it were my husband I would want to know, but not when heavily pregnant.

Walk away, i think ignorance would be bliss in this case.

Graphista · 29/09/2017 14:14

Tell her now. There are infections that aren't tested for as standard that can be an issue at birth. Also if she were to find out nearer to term shock more likely to put her in premature labour.

Also as pps have said emotionally speaking she's probably more resilient now than she will be while struggling with sleep deprivation, baby blues and leaky boobs!

retreatwhispering · 29/09/2017 14:18

I think that if you're going to tell her you should do it as soon as possible. She will find it difficult to understand why you waited if you decide to do it later.

QuilliamCakespeare · 29/09/2017 14:19

I would want to know if I were the wife. Tell her. The sooner she knows what a cheating scumbag her husband is, the sooner she can start planning the future for her and her baby. Splitting up will be a lot harder once there is a child who is used to having a father around. Chances are that if he's cheated once, he'll do it again. You haven't done anything wrong so can tell her and move on with your integrity intact.

user1495451339 · 29/09/2017 14:20

I think you need to walk away.

Mayhemmumma · 29/09/2017 14:27

I would rather know now than leaving it until the baby arrives. Tell now or forever keep quiet.

Migraleve · 29/09/2017 14:28

Another vote for telling her now. If she finds out later her entire memories of her child's birth will be tainted by the fact it was all lies. Please tell her.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 29/09/2017 14:29

I'm a bit confused as to what went on between you as you say he was a FWB, but then you say you thought he was 'with' you. You obviously saw him as as more than a FWB, but did you think it was an actual relationship? What happened at Christmas? Birthday's? Holiday's?

Are you mad at him because you've hurt his wife or because you thought there was a future with him?

As for his wife, yes, you should tell her. She deserves to know what he has been up to so she can decide what she wants to do about it. She's got a couple of months to get it together before she has her baby. Although it's crap she's so heavily pregnant, waiting until after she's had the baby wound be worse. She deserves to have the opportunity to have someone else there instead at the birth & to make lovely memories with her newborn, not to look back knowing it was all a crock.

Just make sure you explain that he led you to believe he was single & explain how you found out he wasn't. It would have made me feel better to know you hadn't been lying in bed with him talking about me & humiliating me.

TatianaLarina · 29/09/2017 14:33

OP said it 'started out' as FWB, but then they were meeting up for lunch etc, clearly she thought it was exclusive.

SuffolkBumkin · 29/09/2017 14:35

I have been in this position,I was 8 months pregnant,engaged etc. None of my friends told me he was seeing another woman,which hurt me as much as the infidelity. Please tell her,nothing is worse than living a lie.

graziemille · 29/09/2017 14:48

Did he disappear at Christmas etc? There must have been signs.
I wouldn't tell his wife.....he should tell his wife.

viques · 29/09/2017 14:55

You say your ex left you when you were pregnant, and presumably you survived, so tell her. She will survive but it will mean she doesn't have to look back on pictures of him all gooey eyed with the newborn if she decides to kick him out of her life .

GreyCloudsToday · 29/09/2017 14:56

If it were me, I'd definitely want to know, and as soon as possible.

I'd give the Ex an ultimatum - tell your wife now, before I do.

Original poster
namedchangedforthis12345 · 29/09/2017 14:57

Sorry, I am here - just picking up Ds etc.

Christmas I probably disappeared rather than him, Ds doesn't see his dad so in school holidays I always saw him less. I saw him on his birthday / my birthday though. We have been away once for the night in a local hotel, but I've not had more opportunity than that because of DS.

I genuinely can't see any signs looking back - well, I say that, he has a busy social life / plays a lot of sport so I'm assuming that's been his cover, but there was usually photo evidence on fb of the occasions. His friends post pictures of him in their group shots / he is on his football teams photo updates etc.

Oh, and yes, we started as FWB, and whilst we never had the conversation, it naturally developed into something more serious. We talked pretty much all day every day via text / phone calls (not constantly, but kept in touch etc)

In terms of 'evidence' I have loads - photos / texts / emails etc. He's literally been as indiscreet as he could be, if he'd been cagey I'd of been more on my guard.

OP posts:
HadronCollider · 29/09/2017 14:58

It would be irresponsible to tell her now imo. You have no idea what she might be susceptible to. She could have high blood pressure or develop pre eclampsia from the stress, go into premature labour. I wouldn't want that on my conscience. Up till now you've been wholly exempt from directly causing harm.

I don't see the rush to tell all now (if at all) to be honestConfused. Surely you can wait a few months, there's no time limit on letting someone know their partner is - as a pp poster put it - a cheating thunder cunt (First time I heard that term lol). You could wait a full six months or more before dropping the bombshell. If you're concerned about sti's get yourself tested.

Personally I think you should just walk away. You never really wanted him, unless you were hoping it would eventually become more?Flowers. It would burn me too. But he'll fuck up again guaranteed, and eventually be caught out. If its any consolation, he's probably getting night sweats worrying whether he'll return home to an livid wife asking 'who the hell is namechanged?' Sorry he did this to you opBrewCakeFlowers he's a shit.

Original poster
namedchangedforthis12345 · 29/09/2017 14:59

Also, not planning on telling her after baby is born. It will literally be now or not at all. Your opinion is so mixed, and my head is too, so I am still no further forward really. I feel like I don't want to tell her, but I morally should. I just don't know if being morally correct is the right thing here though.

OP posts: