Is this normal behaviour?

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My partner left the family home last night supposedly temporarily after a row about her lack of ability to seem to be able to get out of bed on a weekend before mid day despite having an 8 year old step daughter to parent .

My question ?
Would you expect this behaviour of your partner?
She says she wants space and it's completely normal to leave for days post an argument . My opinion is that it's not ok to just leave the family home in a moments whim . For context we have been together 6 years , one Dd ( mine ) planned baby in next couple of years

I think that your dd will always have a different relationship with your DP that any baby you might have (wether you or she is carrying the baby)
Your dd has a father, a father that she sees eow. Your DP is a step parent and no I wouldn't expect her to be as involved as you are.

The issue for me is

• the NOT wanting to get up. Why? Tiredness, depression, having issues with the way you raise you dd or how demanding your dd?? I dit know but it would be worth understanding the why.
• your DP says she wants to be fully involved with your dd, have the parental right AND treat your potential baby the same than your dd. This is not compatible with refusing to get up in the am.

Fwiw, I wouldn't wait for your DP to get up to go out at the weekend. I would tell her that you are going out with dd at xx time to do yyy. She is welcome to join you if she is dressed and ready by that time.
But you need to understand what is behind her behaviour because it doesn't make sense.

God no, you can not buy a house with her. Not unless she has a radical personality transport.

If you agree to have her back, now (I wouldn't, as it's hardly a one off), the TV needs to be out of the bedroom. 4:30am is just bloody ridiculous and not fair on you at all. If she can't accept the no TV in the bedroom rule, then any attempt to reconcile is a non starter because she's telling you she doesn't give a shit about your needs. It's not even a parenting matter. It's a being a decent, respectful partner matter.

You are focusing a lot on her being a parent, and bottom line (whatever you say about her wanting to have PR) she is not an equal parent to you - and I think that's fine. Your child is not her child, and not her responsibility.

You should not choose to be with someone who doesn't want to take the role in your family that you want her to.

I think it's absolutely fair enough to have a row with her at 04:30 because the TV is on and you can't sleep. But the row should be about her selfishness towards you - not about her being a bad parent.

I cannot get my head round you saying you've had years of her keeping you up til 03:00. Why isn't she watching TV in the lounge?

If you ask her to, and she refuses why are you still with her?

Forget about her parenting role. She doesn't want one - that's her choice. It's your choice not to pick a partner who doesn't want to be hands on.

Jesus, for starters just move the telly into the sitting room.

It won't solve your other problems but at least you'll get some sleep.

I haven't read every response but I think you are getting a hard time.

Your partner is acting immaturely, lying in bed, rather than engaging in family activities and storming out after an argument are the selfish petulant actions of someone who has not grown up yet.

I am focusing a lot on her being a parent as she is the one driving us having a baby and we are meant to be gearing up towards it .
I believe that if she cannot be present to parent the Dd we have already it is not fair on Dd to bring in another child .

Thanks theirshajrs I feel the same .

I'm trying not to be angry and to focus on her good points .

You're using your child as leverage over your DP's desire to have children of her own.

Because.... she has a lie-in on a day when half the time your child isn't even living with you. Neither of you likes childcare very much.

As a step parent who step kids lives with her the majority of the time I can't believe you expect her to parent your child.

I often have sole care of DSC but I'm always asked and given a choice as they are not my responsibility. To be clear- you are their parent not here. And if she wants to spend the weekend in bed eating Ben and Jerrys she can. Unless she's agreed to plans.

Lanora my Dd is with her dad 4 days out of 30. Please explain to me how that is "half the time "

Please Do not make assumptions that I "do not like childcare " you have nothing to base that on. It is an incredibly rude thing to say

Espoltea you clearly haven't bothered to read the thread .

As a step parent who step kids lives with her the majority of the time I can't believe you expect her to parent your child.

I can. Because that's how families work, even step families. The adults in the home care for the children in the home. Simple, really.

My husband had children when we met. There was talk at one point of one of his daughters living with us. I know if she did I would have taken joint responsibility when she was with us and shared the parenting with him. I would have obviously discussed his views on parenting before she moved in. If you live with someone with a child you have to expect to not necessarily be a parent but to be actively involved and support the child and your partner. Not unreasonable to expect that at all.

Cleareyes exactly otherwise what it is the point .

I have not signed up for for a lodger or a housemate who can decide to "sit in bed eating Ben and jerries all day" . I signed up for a co parent and fully present partner .

To clarify :
My dp does next to nothing with my Dd during the week.
I do all school runs . Breakfast . Evening club runs. .

She makes Dd supper sometimes and chats to her and will read to her and put her to bed on occasion. They have a good relationship.
There is effort made. Our family time is at the weekend and as dp is in bed until lunch time i do not think that is being actively involved or present

I had DC when I met my h.

He is equally committed to my elder two as he is to the twins that are biologically his.

We've been split 4 years and he's still just as committed.

The thing is he has been committed to parenting them from the start. If he hadn't been I wouldn't have married him and had the twins.

The issue at the heart of this really is that she is saying she wants to be a family but what she is doing is absenting herself from the family.

So, on the one side yes it is correct to say this is your child and your parenting responsibility, because it is clear she isn't interested in sharing it (and doesn't have to because she's not biologically related) but on the other side it's not wrong for you to expect she back up her grand talk with real action.

What's wrong though is keeping on doing the same thing and expecting a different result.

I don't think it's ok to regularly stay in bed until 2pm every weekend. However if it's occasional then that's acceptable. I'm a step mum and I will spend time with my ss whilst my husband has the odd lie in and he will also take him out to give me a break. However, we do aim to spend our time together as a family but it's not always possible.
Whilst I love and adore my ss, I have recently had a baby and experienced a very different feeling. I would never treat both children differently but in your post it does sound like you're putting a lot of pressure on your partner to feel the same towards your daughter and a new baby to. I do apologise if this is not the case. I agree with many other posters that she most likely isn't ready for a baby but maybe there is another reason she is behaving like this?
In one of your last posts you say you didn't "sign up for" her to laze in bed but for a fully present partner. Maybe there are things she didn't sign up to?? It is very hard at times being a step parent, but it does sound as though she cares for your daughter. I don't think you're being unreasonable to expect her to be a parent but maybe she needs more guidance from you to be able to do this.

She sounds immature, irresponsible and selfish keeping the TV on till all hours when you are trying to sleep. It would be a deal breaker for me whether there was a child involved or not. Especially because of the way she's acting trying to turn it all round on you now. I'd not have her back and I certainly wouldn't have a baby or buy a house together.

Have you looked into if you will get financial help if it's only your income if you are a lone parent on www.entitledto.co.uk

If you feel you 'signed up for a co parent and fully present partner' then why are you still there?
There is no love in your posts about your partner.
I really feel for your DC. The tv is on till 3am. You're shouting at your partner at 3am. You're then complaining about your partner sleeping. You're making your DD wait for activities until your partner wakes up. Then when your partner gets up, you're both having a massive argument and your partner is storming out.
You both need to stop being so selfish. And as a parent, it is down to you to start putting your DD first. This is a toxic environment. You need to look at your finances again and you need to leave.
What is blatantly unfair is to expect your partner to change and to expect your DD to live in this horrible environment.

Winnie you are a bit wrong on facts .

There was no argument in front of
My Dd.
Please do not call me selfish .
I shouted at my dp at 3am in frustration.
She then got up at mid day Sunday and left after I apologised.
I feel sorry for my Dd too . Sorry that she has a bit of a shit for a father And now a not entirely present step mother . And I'm sure somewhere a long the line it is my choices and therefore my fault

Actually I agree with Winnie that it's really unfair your dd hanging around half the day at weekends till your dp gets up. Your dd should come before your dp so just get up and go out without her. She's not interested in family time so why should you want her involved.

It would be awful to be tied to this woman in any way - either through marriage (which I know you haven't mentioned) or through a mortgage or through a baby.

If she was younger I'd say she wasn't ready to have a baby. Now... it's not that she's not ready, it's just that she doesn't want one. I wonder whether she feels if she has a baby with you there'll be more linking you financially and that would benefit her.

If you and she were to split up, would you be able to sell your house and get a smaller place for you and your daughter?

I disagree my Dd has activities daily during the week so I don't think she is missing out to spend the morning playing chess with me or messing about with toys.

I dislike the fact we can't have family days
Until my dp gets up and we are waiting around.
I have on many occasion in the past taken Dd out whilst dp sleeps. This leads to a build up in resentment for me so I try not to do it and try to plan activities for
Dd in the house ( home work ,baking , craft ) whilst we wait for dp to surface

She is selfish, and she hasn't taken on board what you've been saying for a long time.

Don't have a baby, buy a house with her or get married.