Is this normal behaviour?

[changeusernameforthisonen]

My partner left the family home last night supposedly temporarily after a row about her lack of ability to seem to be able to get out of bed on a weekend before mid day despite having an 8 year old step daughter to parent .

My question ?
Would you expect this behaviour of your partner?
She says she wants space and it's completely normal to leave for days post an argument . My opinion is that it's not ok to just leave the family home in a moments whim . For context we have been together 6 years , one Dd ( mine ) planned baby in next couple of years

I don't think scary clown is a woman judging by the language. I also think scary clown is probably like this on all threads, rather than giving advice, just likes to try to cause a row.
I posted earlier with a lot of assumptions, I do apologise, perhaps more information in the first place would have been better for your post. I think your partner is honestly avoiding you and your child. She may need to speak to a doctor if she has got depression. However, she also sounds like she's a bit petulant saying that you can't decide when you need time to yourself when she's clearly the one that just ups and leaves, not fair. To be honest if you're spoken about this with her several times and she's still doing the same thing then she will never change and you will either have to put up with it or leave her. It's clearly upsetting you a lot and unless she changes her behaviour, you will remain unhappy about this. Give her an ultimatum. I don't agree with her watching tv till early hours while you're trying to sleep, that's just ignorant!x

Im just highlighting the issue.
Language used by op and supporters..
Petulant
Flouncing
Must be held to account
Unacceptable
Childish

Parental judgemental words (and thoughts)

Ops partners behaviour..
Not discussing
No point in discussing decision already made
Walking out..

Rebellious child and subservient child.

The OP is fixed, even here, on a parent-only communication style which has been mentioned by others, and this is eliciting a predictible response, and you have been in the same pattern for three years or more.

As I said, you can keep arguing (also a parent language form) or you can learn to use adult patterns of communication, which is infinitely more likely that all this thou shall be held to account! Explain thyself! Stuff.

You don't have to listen. That is also very parent behaviour.

Learn if you want, or just carry on bashing your head. Can't you see that your partner is already showing 'trial leaving home' behaviour, and you are showing her exactly how you are going to parent her child

I do hope you get to have a serious talk with her today.
Unfortunately I don't think she will change.
You really need to look at this relationship.
Stop looking at all the good bits.
Really focus on the bad bits.
Because they are what drag you down.

You are trying to force her into the bottom right perspective to 'understand' that you are right.. So she is resisting, and trying not to stay defined in the top left.

To get to the top right position.. A good relationship.. You need to increase how 'right' she is, but instead you are aiming to draw in allies to further increase your 'rightness' which will maintain the game..

So I keep saying, learn or repeat..

Has anyone reported scaryclown yet? Its scaring people.

change I don't think I was wrong on the facts. You're assuming your child is unaware that you're arguing with your partner. Of course, she is aware. And she's aware of this unhealthy relationship dynamic that you're allowing to continue.
You can blame your ex. You can blame your partner. You can entrench yourself into a position where you feel justified in holding your partner to account . But all of that is ignoring the reality - that this relationship doesn't work and that it's damaging everyone involved. As an adult you're entitled to waste years trying to get someone to change who has no intention of doing so; and even longer trying to force them into recognising that you are 'right'. As a parent, I think you need to take responsibility.
What have you to lose from asking for a trial separation or from booking a counselling appointment?

No it's not normal to walk out on your family for a few days, if she wanted a walk for an hour to cool off, that's fine. It's not OK for her to do that and to think she can get away with that and then imply you can't have your own space when she swans back in.

You need a serious talk.

Remove the TV from your bedroom, solves that problem.

Then you need to discuss her sleeping habits, if she goes to bed at 4-5am then gets up post lunchtime, she needs to start working on shifting that back around so she goes to bed when you do, and she'll still get the same amount of sleep.

Agree that each of you gets to sleep in one weekend day, that's only fair, and only up until around 10:30, which gives you plenty of time to do something that day.

If she can't agree on being fair at this basic level, then shes not mother material and you should give her notice.

Staples iv just completely stopped reading scarys posts. They are of no use to the conversation when the op has said numerous times she finds her opinion aggressive and unwanted. I'd suggest everyone else also doesn't read them or engage. Then they can go antagonise antagonise elsewhere for some much needed attention.

Fair enough Hugh and &finger*

I know it’s not what you want to hear but I don’t think your partner is that into your daughter. She likes the idea of it but the reality of parenting bores her, she wants to cling to her single lifestyle.
I do think she may change with a baby of her own as in she is likely to connect more deeply with her own child and “get” the responsibility thing, but how will you feel when you see her up in the night with the baby when she would never get up in the morning with your child?

scaryclown none of her partners behaviour is normal. Do you even see that? You're focusing on OP behaviour and that's fair enough there are two sides to a story but I've yet to see you appreciate her partners behaviour as well.

Forcing someone to listen to the tv until 4am whilst trying to sleep is abuse. As is walking out for a number of days leaving the OP in a state of panic and grovelling to make the situation right again.
None of this is healthy, none of what the OP's partner is doing is normal behaviour, it's abusive.

In fact her sending texts saying "I'll make you a nice dinner tonight" whilst trying to pretend nothing happened is gaslighting. That's another form of abuse.

Op might have her own way with dealing with things, and maybe a little of what you're saying MIGHT be true, but what I see is OP is the victim to someone who is manipulating and gaslighting the situation to make her into the victim rather than OP.

We managed last night to not speak at all.

I have had a couple of texts today about normal things which I am ignoring.

I cannot just let this slide back into normal resume in the house .

Scary clown would u please find another thread to spread your bull shit. No one is interested here least of all me .

So what now for you OP?
Will she sit down and have a proper family discussion with you?
I honestly can't see what you get from this other than the ability to stay in your house.
That's no way to live.

I think you are more interested in her supposed role as a step parent, more than actually your partners feelings and reasons why she's staying in bed this late. Depression? Health issues?
Whether she refers to your child as our child and so on, it doesn't take away the fact your child isn't biologically hers and is not responsible to parent her, that's your job. Instead of waiting for her to get up, you could go out with your own child on your own.
Have a serious talk with your dp, her attitude to sleeping and wasting days needs to change but so does your attitude on how you feel your partner is responsible for parenting a child that is not biologically or legally hers.

Cherry I'm assuming from you reply you haven't bothered reading any of the thread .

She does not have depression etc she is up watching tv until 4am so is getting a normal 8 hours sleep

Please read the rest of the thread before you comment how she or I should consider her parenting our child .

My apologies for poor writing on my
Part I have been very upset

Thank you to all those whom have responded thoughtfully.

I have managed to draw a lot of ideas and critical thinking from people's comments

I am often up watching tv between 2 and 5am, because I don't get home from work till after midnight most nights.

When my DP was here he would be in bed by 10.30pm for work the next morning. No way would I watch TV in the bedroom! That is outrageous and totally disrespectful.

I watched TV on low volume in the living room with all the doors closed to block out noise to the bedroom. We also slept in separate rooms so as not to disturb each other as we were on totally different timespans workwise. Is this something you could consider doing in the meantime?

It honestly sounds to me as though you'd be better off without her. At the very least you might be happier living apart but continuing as a couple for the time being.

You say you need her money to keep the house but could you not get a lodger in? Apologies if you've already said upthread that the house/flat is too small for this.

At the very least you need to have a serious discussion with your DP to find out why she's sleeping in so late. I'm an extreme night owl but am rarely still asleep after 11am.

Try to find out if she is depressed or has health issues. The selfishness with the TV on in the bedroom would be enough for me though, OP - that is totally out of order.

Please don't have a baby with her until you resolve your relationship - as a PP said, I fear you will be the one left holding it.

Sorry, cross-posted.

We only have a two bed so no room for a lodger .

I'm not sure why we should have to sleep in separate rooms to accommodate this teenage student like behaviour- in particular because EOW she has full rein to do it whilst Dd is at her dads .

Is it too much to ask dp to be present 4 mornings a month?
As said up thread she sees Dd for less than 30 mins a day during the week and during that time she is chilling out from work
On occasion she will play a game , cook for or read a story to Dd .

OP, you are still not accepting that SHE WILL NOT CHANGE no matter how unreasonable she is.

Sorry about that, OP. I remember now, about the place being too small.

No you shouldn't have to sleep in separate bedrooms, but anyway it sounds as if you don't have the room.

It's a tough one and I feel for you. It sounds as though you both have fundamentally different values - at least on this one issue. In answer to your original question though - I'm a night owl but no, this behaviour is not normal, IMHO.

I hope you resolve your relationship.

Big red flags OP.

Her actions or lack of are telling you all you need to know.

Scary

Interesting that you can't see that it is ops partner, who is forcing op into the bottom right corner. Not the other way round. Op is just trying to redress the balance so that they can get to "I am ok, you are ok". In the process, she is establishing boundaries of which behaviour she does and doesn't find acceptable. Perhaps you should re read the op from the start.