Is this normal behaviour?

[changeusernameforthisonen]

My partner left the family home last night supposedly temporarily after a row about her lack of ability to seem to be able to get out of bed on a weekend before mid day despite having an 8 year old step daughter to parent .

My question ?
Would you expect this behaviour of your partner?
She says she wants space and it's completely normal to leave for days post an argument . My opinion is that it's not ok to just leave the family home in a moments whim . For context we have been together 6 years , one Dd ( mine ) planned baby in next couple of years

It is her that is really pushing the baby not me.
She has fertility problems ( I have supported her at the clinic for the last two years )

So I believe the chances of her conceiving are quite low.

I too have fertility problems and have had multiple miscarriages ( one extremely late ) with my ex husband and count my blessings every day I have her

My Dds school is in a very wealthy area and i cannot a house even a flat on
My own. It is only two bedroom so I cannot get a lodger .
My dds happiness at her school and this area is tied to my dp as her financial input helps us to stay afloat

Honestly, it sounds like you're both stuck together but don't want to be

She's not stuck though. She has no claim over anything here.:
She could leave very easily if she wanted

Don't stay with her just because her financial input helps you stay afloat.

I do feel for you, OP. And I'm beyond surprised at the posters saying that your dp owes your dd no more than a passing lodger... You are living in a family, committed (at least in theory) to raising a family together. I can't understand this idea that it's ok for a stepparent to just sit in bed eating ice cream, saying, "Well, they're not my kids". Show me the happy family that operates like that?

However, I also can't believe this situation will get better by itself. Please get some advice on all your financial options.

I disagree with posters saying you alone are solely responsible for parenting your daughter. It is clear from your post that your partner wants to be viewed as an equal parent to your child and that you both see yourselves as a family with, therefore, equal rights and responsibilities regardless of the biological circumstances.

I live in a similar situation in that my partner is a step parent to our children with no biological connection to our children but we co-parent equally and each take half the responsibility. Neither of us see my biological association to them as trumping the other's role as their other parent.

I couldn't live with a grown person who couldn't get out of bed until lunchtime - it would drive me nuts. That apart, if she refuses to get up any earlier I would a) not have any more children with her and b) just go ahead with my own plans with my daughter at the weekend regardless of whether she can drag herself out of bed to come along or not. Go out, have a great time, give your daughter a lovely close time with her dad, meet up with friends, and ignore your partner and her tardy ways.

She's 37. This is who she is.

Do people not change post 37?

Update :

She's just messaged saying it is more convenient for her to be at home So is gracing us with her presence tonight

I am really angry and upset she can just toy with us an my emotions like this

Ok, but what are you going to do about it?

You don't have to just let her waltz back in hoping you'll be glad she's back!

I've told her I'm not happy and I need space tonight .

I am exhausted and need a night off from the emotional ringer

I'm not sure what I should say to her or how to handle it .

I don't want to talk tonight but I won't want to pull any silent treatment games .

I think you deserve a night off too. In fact in ways what she's doing, is depriving you of sleep and that's a form of abuse.

I don't think she cares too much about your relationship because otherwise she'd be making a conscious effort to join in at the weekends even if it weren't for your DD it just shows to me she has not interest in either of you.
This would be a red flag for me and I would considering whether it was worth having her around. It's obvious she is contributing nothing to your relationship and if she is it's bare minimum effort.

I would not allow her to keep victimising herself like this and gaslighting you making you believe that you're the problem here and she is not. She needs to be held accountable for her lack of effort and for walking out when the going gets tough. She has to face up to facts that she is upsetting you and she needs to stop.

Do not apologise anymore to her going forward, you've done nothing wrong.

How do I hold her accountable though ?

What will happen now I predict she will come in and try and pretend it's not happening. This is from precious experiences of this behaviour

She has already just text me to ask if I want a nice dinner ?!

She will over the next few days act normally like nothing has Happened and it will be swept under the carpet .

It's clear from your use of aggrandising language, and judgemental duty language that you are on the wrong side of this.

Compare with'my partner was so upset she left', she's finding getting up earlier than midday difficult ' and' i am worried.

This shit about 'on a whim' is minimising language too. Listen to yourself, you sound archaic and insensitive.

'hold her accountable' i bloody well hope you are joking.

Scary clown ???? I have no idea what judgmental duty language is.
Or what is archaic about my language?

The last poster - so you think it is ok for her to just up and leave and now come back and pretend it isn't happening and not be held accountable for her actions?

I am supposed to just say nothing .? Really ?

It's because you don't fuc king
engage, and blame, and so she doesn't bother. You are boss telling off the staff and desire contrition, and seek to apportion blame away from you, rather than actually solving or even understanding the real problem.

Clearly you don't understand. That is the issue.
It is like saying to a stupid person that they aren't clever. They always think they are because they cannot comprehend.

Look it up man, you are on the Internet (or do you want someone to do that for you as well?)

She isn't your child.

She's an adult you are supposedly in a relationship with. You don't 'hold her accountable', you simply decide if you want to continue in the relationship or not. You decide whether you want her to continue living in your house or not...

You made it sound like she was asleep whilst your DD was alone ... just go out without her

scaryclown - I genuinely have no idea what you're talking about. I don't read the op like this at all.

Changeuser - please tell her to stay away. Right now she is calling all the shots. She's acting like jeckyll and Hyde. You do indeed need some space from her. You did nothing wrong shouting at her about tv at 4.30am. Please don't apologise for absolutely natural behaviour when faced with an inconsiderate arse.

You're completely flogging a dead horse with this, OP.

This relationship is very, very clearly not working. It will never be what you are desperately trying to make it.

Sunk costs fallacy.

OP having read the whole thing I think your partner is extremely rude, inconsiderate and selfish. Being a step parent IS about co parenting, or at least bothering to spend time with the child. As for having the tv on at 3am loud enough to wake your partner, that’s just rude. We have a tv in our room, but it’s not on during the night when one is trying to sleep. She’s doing all the taking and not putting anything back in.

Scaryclown you must be on the wrong thread ! None of your posts make any sense what so ever.

Maybe re read the op and the thread .

I am genuinely very upset. I want things to work .
I need to make her see that she is creating this circus .
I've Heard back from her again she is genuinely pissed off at me .
She says she is sorry for her "part"

It all seems awfully convenient moments before she comes home