Is this normal behaviour?

[changeusernameforthisonen]

My partner left the family home last night supposedly temporarily after a row about her lack of ability to seem to be able to get out of bed on a weekend before mid day despite having an 8 year old step daughter to parent .

My question ?
Would you expect this behaviour of your partner?
She says she wants space and it's completely normal to leave for days post an argument . My opinion is that it's not ok to just leave the family home in a moments whim . For context we have been together 6 years , one Dd ( mine ) planned baby in next couple of years

It's not normal behaviour, but I'd want to know why it's happening if it were my partner. Why does an adult woman stay up until the early hours and sleep until mid-afternoon, shirking the responsibilities she has (presumably) agreed to? If it's not depression, what is it? It could be selfishness or immaturity. But possibly other things: anxiety, procrastination, delayed sleep phase disorder... Yes, she gets up for work, but maybe that's an effort that makes it harder to get up at weekends? Does she even know why? Is it something that she wants to try to change? What does she actually say about it?

I hear how angry you are, OP. It's understandable. I don't know how you can resolve it without knowing more about what's going on with your partner.

I can see that idea, but I am certain it's not correct. The ops partner isn't saying 'you must get up late or be held to account for your actions' at least not as far as we know.

The route towards I'm OK you're OK, is for the op to move towards 'you are ok'.. As the diagram suggests, releasing the anger will help, but it more to do with not defining your partners behaviour as totally abnormal and incorrect and repeating this view with an increasingly wide set of allies and supporters to give your view weight and ammunition. This simply moves and maintains conflict.

The aim is to get to 'you see weekends as an opportunity to stay up late, and watch TV, and thats cool' as well as, in this case, 'you love to /need to sleep in till late at weekends, and that's cool too, it's who you are and that's great'

Once people are accepted, it's much easier then to say 'the relationship has this issue.. Re childcare, I would really love to have a full weekend away together etc etc.. The problem you are addressing then becomes' how can we get you to have good TV binges, and enough sleep so that there is also spare time'

I've never wanted to jab someone in the eye with a blunt pencil so badly in all my life!

Anyhooooo....
I agree with a PP.
She won't change.
So you need to tackle it.

Scary I don't think we know much at all about what the partner is saying. I must admit I'm not a big fan of transactional analysis: it feels over-simplistic to me. But yes, ideally both partners need to accept each other, or there's little point continuing a relationship.

Scary, I sincerely hope you don't get to be involved in important real life mediation. You are a coercive controller's dream!

The OP has asked you to stop posting. You know that you are being unhelpful and she has told you that she finds your posts upsetting.

You appear to enjoy contributing to her distress. I can't imagine many people less suited to the role of mediator than you are.

Please just withdraw from the thread and allow the OP to get the help she needs.

Not at all.
The OP is uncomfortable at the moment with the the idea the problem is solvable I'm a different way, because her position is that it isn't without her chosen solution. Reflecting back, the op when hearing my responses used first blaming behaviour, then open requests that I should leave. , ('flounce off??)
So even within the thread there is an illustration of the parent style of communication, with an actual invitation to behave in a way that can later be described as childish. .

I think there's enough to go on already.

Scaryclown

She doesn't want your advice or find it useful.

Regardless of whether you think she is wise to heed it, surely by continually foisting it upon her when she has asked you to stop you are aware that you are now displaying the authoritarian parent traits you so desperately want her to see in herself?

You have a need to keep riding roughshod over her requests that you don't.

Perhaps you might find it illuminating to reflect privately on what is motivating you to behave in this way rather than respect her wishes.

If she reflects further and finds your words helpful I am sure she could contact you to explore them further.

Op - it's not unreasonable to expect that from a person who wants to do it but she clearly doesn't want to do it no matter what she has said....

This is the thing, her actions don't match her words, there are therefore three options for you;

1. End the relationship because she isn't giving you what you need.
2. Stay in the relationship and accept that this is how she is.
3. Stay in the relationship and keep trying to force her to be 'held accountable' for her actions not matching her words.

1 seems like the only viable option IMO because you don't want 2 or you wouldn't be stuck doing 3 and in this dynamic of parent/teenager.

And scary IMO you need to get a grip. You don't do mediation with only one person and only one side of the story. You can't. This is nothing like a mediation situation where the two people come first for an assessment separately so you can get to know them and whether mediation is suitable for them...

I think it's normal to give each other a bit of slack. If she needs a sleep in once a week, why don't you take your DD out and do something nice. Maybe she can look after your DD for a couple of hours another time so that you also get a break. And they can bond

Leaving a thread when you are asked to because you are causing someone distress isn't generally described as flouncing. That's reserved for people who are leaving the thread in order to gain attention.

You, on the other hand, are remaining on the thread and using arrogance and condescension to gain attention.

If you really were a mediator, you wouldn't be continuing with behaviour that borders on abusive. You would realise that you had got this one badly wrong and step away quietly.

I won't feed your behaviour by responding to you again.

I can't see what's so wrong with her having a lie in once a week. Maybe it's quite healthy to have a bit of space if feeling got at

Really the timetable at weekends needs to be agreed by everyone. No one person in charge

Please can someone report scary clown

The TV thing is selfish. She should at least wear ear phones so you can't hear or have it extreamly low in the lounge away from you.

A sleep in is fine and time alone is fine. Of course you should do stuff with your DD. Tell her the day before that you're going out at 10am to x and you are leaving promptly.

I think that scary is someone who minimises, justifies and condones abusive behaviour based on their posts. They’re unhelpful to OP, and to anyone reading who is being abused or gaslighted.