DH is sabotaging our relationships with other people

[Theburiedpenis]

DH has done a few things over the years which have alienated us from other people. Big things like pulling out of holidays with friends last minute and leaving them with the bill for the villa, to little things like pulling out of dinners, events or gatherings last minute when people have made an effort for us or spent money, and he expects the DC and I to do so as well.

It's made worse for me by the fact that I -rightly or wrongly - am quite motivated by other people's approval and being part of a group. So when he alienates people it causes me a lot of suffering. And when we start to arrange things with other people or family I feel sick with suspense at what way DH may sabotage the relationship.

DH's reasons for pulling out of things are always based around something that has happened to him, like a sudden depression, or injury or illness. All things which are very subjective, which he considers extreme and which it is hard to argue that he should just "push through" without being accused of lacking sympathy or being "cold and heartless" towards him, as DH puts it.

But he seems to bring these things out the day, or two to three hours before we are supposed to do something that I am looking forward to.

One of the big examples (he has done this twice) is pulling out of holidays with my (and supposedly his) friends. We booked a villa for several thousand pounds, each family paying a couple of thousand each. The day before we were due to fly, DH decided that he was ill (I'd say he probably had a cold but he thought it was "much worse." Granted, he has asthma so it may have felt much worse.) I tried to persuade him to see how he felt, get some medication, I said we wouldn't want to lose the money and the DC were looking forward to seeing their friends.

Anyway, he insisted we pull out, stating he was very unwell. And he told our friends that it was such exceptional circumstances beyond our (his) control that they should allow us not to pay and take on our financial contribution themselves as they would get to enjoy the holiday and we would not. When they said that was unfair, he told them what was unfair was the compassion they lacked at his being "extremely unwell." Well, one of those friends no longer talks to us and that is a loss to me.

There have been many smaller things like this, but they all involve DH bending the rules or breaking the contract and justifying it to himself because he feels that what is happening to him is an extreme exception, and if anyone were to question his special circumstances that they would be a heartless, uncompassionate psychopath.

And if I show him the pattern of events he has created, he has an explanation for each one, each a one-off, an exceptional circumstance. And if I don't put his suffering first above "socialising" (as he calls it) then I am not a good life partner etc.

FWIW he does this with his ownfamily too and his friends so it's not just limited to people who are predominantly connected to me.

What do you think? Is anyone else's partner like this?

And yes I can assure you others can see right through him. My father had a very 'successful' career - the reality was he was promoted out the way (military, joined at a time that contracts were such it was difficult to get rid of people. Not much better now). He was feared at work which he misinterpreted as respect and certainly wasn't liked.

Abusers are always "nice in other ways"
It doesn't make up for the awful behaviour whether it's 5 % or 10%

I suspect that he's been fortunate enough at work to get away with his behaviour because he is senior enough that people won't challenge him. That doesn't mean he's good at his job though.

Mark my words, it is just a matter of time before the status quo changes, he kicks off and he'll be shown the door. All it takes is a change of management or strategy. I've seen it several times before.

This doesn’t sound like anxiety.

Someone with anxiety would feel anxious about going. Then they’d feel anxious about not going. If they didn’t go, they’d feel anxious about the fact that their spouse and kids would worry about them while away. If they did go then they’d feel anxious about their spouse and child worrying about their anxiety.

I really think that someone with anxiety would stay at home but insist that their spouse and children went. They’d definitely pay their share and probably give their spouse some extra as individual costs like food and petroleum may rise if there’s fewer adults. Your h is testing “how much you love him” and manipulating you by downgrading your friendships to something trivial.

Hi OP. Do you have any ideas/feelings on what you want to do next?

My worry is how this is affecting your children? What are their friendship groups like and do they emulate their dad or with hope, do the complete opposite because they realise he's being an abusive controlling arse?

Wow, this thread has honestly gobsmacked me. What a cruel bastard you're married to. Think how excited your kids must have been for weeks to go on holiday to a villa with their friends, and then your selfish fucker of a husband rips it away from them at the last second for no reason. That is so unbelievably spiteful. That would make an adult feel crushed, never mind a child.

The reason he does this is because people let him get away with it. You should have gone anyway and taken the children.

You have got to fight to get any sort of life for you and your children. In my family I was the one who would not tow the line. My father once put himself in hospital with a “heart attack” well he got as far as A&E and an ECG. Whilst in the bay I walked out into the corridor and spoke to the Consultant about my dad’s heart attack. “What heart attack” he said, ‘there’s nothing wrong with his heart’. He was so good that to this day my mum refers to “daddy’s heart attack”. He thought he could keep us all in line with it. Please ignore him and do your own thing.

I would have gone on the holiday with the children and left him at home. He made you all suffer and didn't care about another family having to pay out. He sounds extremely selfish and like he wants to be the centre of attention. I couldn't be with someone so flakey. In future I suggest you say ok you stay here and rest but we really still going so see you later

Zombie thread

It sounds like he has anxiety and hasn't spoken to you about it. My dh hates socialising. I've had to have words with him about leaving me on my own when other parents pick their kids up and how it isn't a good reflection for our dd. He is slowly getting better at chit chat, but not having people round or anything. Have you tried talking to your dh about if he could have some social anxiety?

I think he’s an incredibly selfish man, who is very skilled at pulling you back into his orbit and keeping you as his ‘energy source’ in life.

I also think your life must be the smaller for this. Smaller, and very sad. And scary actually, underneath it all.

Because trying to smooth down the world for a man like him, is draining and relentless, and in the end, an impossible task. You can’t keep him on an even keel, happy, fulfilled or just not angry at you.

Because he gets something out of behaving like this to you. He gets something out of making you unhappy.

I think you should make another thread, and get some support. I think you deserve it. just my thoughts though!

Take care of yourself ok? You deserve better than what you’ve described, you really really do.

☠☠☠☠💀 CHECK THE DATES! THIS IS A ZOMBIE THREAD FROM LAST SEPTEMBER💀☠☠☠☠

Bugger, got had by the zombie! Why didn’t it show up as a mumsnet alert before I posted?!