DH is sabotaging our relationships with other people

[Theburiedpenis]

DH has done a few things over the years which have alienated us from other people. Big things like pulling out of holidays with friends last minute and leaving them with the bill for the villa, to little things like pulling out of dinners, events or gatherings last minute when people have made an effort for us or spent money, and he expects the DC and I to do so as well.

It's made worse for me by the fact that I -rightly or wrongly - am quite motivated by other people's approval and being part of a group. So when he alienates people it causes me a lot of suffering. And when we start to arrange things with other people or family I feel sick with suspense at what way DH may sabotage the relationship.

DH's reasons for pulling out of things are always based around something that has happened to him, like a sudden depression, or injury or illness. All things which are very subjective, which he considers extreme and which it is hard to argue that he should just "push through" without being accused of lacking sympathy or being "cold and heartless" towards him, as DH puts it.

But he seems to bring these things out the day, or two to three hours before we are supposed to do something that I am looking forward to.

One of the big examples (he has done this twice) is pulling out of holidays with my (and supposedly his) friends. We booked a villa for several thousand pounds, each family paying a couple of thousand each. The day before we were due to fly, DH decided that he was ill (I'd say he probably had a cold but he thought it was "much worse." Granted, he has asthma so it may have felt much worse.) I tried to persuade him to see how he felt, get some medication, I said we wouldn't want to lose the money and the DC were looking forward to seeing their friends.

Anyway, he insisted we pull out, stating he was very unwell. And he told our friends that it was such exceptional circumstances beyond our (his) control that they should allow us not to pay and take on our financial contribution themselves as they would get to enjoy the holiday and we would not. When they said that was unfair, he told them what was unfair was the compassion they lacked at his being "extremely unwell." Well, one of those friends no longer talks to us and that is a loss to me.

There have been many smaller things like this, but they all involve DH bending the rules or breaking the contract and justifying it to himself because he feels that what is happening to him is an extreme exception, and if anyone were to question his special circumstances that they would be a heartless, uncompassionate psychopath.

And if I show him the pattern of events he has created, he has an explanation for each one, each a one-off, an exceptional circumstance. And if I don't put his suffering first above "socialising" (as he calls it) then I am not a good life partner etc.

FWIW he does this with his ownfamily too and his friends so it's not just limited to people who are predominantly connected to me.

What do you think? Is anyone else's partner like this?

What a horrible horrible little man. It's not just what he does to you and the kids, it's what he's also doing to his friends and family, who the fuck pulls out and sticks someone else with the bill.

And why are you letting him guilt trip you, at what point does he say "I don't want to ruin your fun or damage relationships" whys it all about him, never about you or the kids.

Sit him down, tonight, and tell him it's the last fucking time he pulls this shit. Even if he claims his legs hanging off you and the kids, or just you, are going. Or you leave him right here and right now.

He sounds awful, absolutely awful.

As PP have stated, anxiety doesn't make you behave like this. Most people I know with anxiety wouldn't dream of pulling such a cruel, selfish stunt.

You and your DH can do what you like.
It's the children I feel sorry for!

This is one of the most appalling things I've ever read on here - and there's been some stiff competition.

I think some mners are confusing anxiety with arseholeism. .

My ex had anxiety
He also had arseholeism

@cestlavie arseholism 😂👍a terribly common but rarely diagnosed condition!

He is a controlling twat. Do you actually have any friends left? You need to run for the hills OP and take your chilren with you.

And don't bother trying to talk it out with him
It will be all your fault whatever

It does sound like social anxiety, and maybe he is using controlling behaviour to keep op with him, as this is perhaps part of the anxiety.

I have direct experience with this for decades and decades my father would ruin everything big and small, it became worse not better. My mother has no friends now, even her best friends got fed up and distanced themselves. My mother is a shell of her former self with no life of her own. My father has a fairly serious mental health issues that are out largely now out of control. Nothing has been done to address them.

My guess would be that your dh doesn't care about the cost to your friends as he doesn't want them in your lives full stop. You will continue to shed friends in this way.

You have two choices:

Make a life of your own, own friends, own holidays and fun and joy. Keep him out of your social life altogether. Seek support for his problems together

Or leave him

What you can't do is stay as you are, you will have nothing resembling a life left in ten years from now.

Next time the twat tells you your being a “callous wife” tell him your a mother first and your children come before him, therefore you will be going on the holiday as you won’t be letting your children down.

Seriously he is a fucking dickhead, I would have left him long ago if he kept on doing this. Start to arrange things without him.

This reminds me of my ex-husband, and is part of the whole pattern of behaviour which means he's my ex.

What I started to do was to very calmly and matter of factly accept what he said BUT I continued to do what whatever was planned.

I think the first time I did this was when our DS was a toddler and we were going to a family fun day in a local park. First issue - I'd have walked with pushchair as not very far, and I knew that parking would be problem as it would be very busy. He didn't feel well enough to walk so I drove (he didn't drive, that was another thing, so him not wanting to walk meant that I had to drive). As predicted, it was very busy, but I managed to park the car right across the road from the park entrance. That was too far for him to walk, and it was starting to rain so he'd get wet. Ok, says I. Drove home, dropped him off, went back to the park with DS and had a lovely afternoon. And do you know? He said nothing more about it. He sulked, he pouted, he huffed, but he said nothing about it.

For my parents' 40th wedding anniversary they invited me, then DH, our DS, my Dsis and her DH away for a weekend. My ex kept huffing and puffing about that, and what if he got too stressed and couldn't cope and we'd have to leave early. I said it's on an island. We can't just up and leave if you're feeling stressed. Tell you what, you don't have to come. I'll go with DS and you can stay here.

As it happened, by the time of my DPs' 40th anniversary, DH and I had split up, and we all had a lovely time on the island.

OP, he does sound horrible and you should probably have a good think about whether you want or feel you can leave him. But in relation to this particular behaviour my recommendation would be to remain calm, accept what he's saying about how he feels, but quietly and firmly stick to the plans yourself and with DC.

Oh, and another thing. My ex used to say we should "move as a unit" when I first suggested that I could do things myself if he didn't want to. That's just another aspect of the controlling behaviour. Don't argue with it, or try to negotiate. Just say - you stay here then and we'll go. Then go.

Anxiety might v we'll be at the root of much arseholism.

But. Unfortunately many men are taught from yea high that women exist to manage their anxieties for them. And they won't be told otherwise. So they act like arseholes because to them, they're entitled to whatever they want from women since women exist only to make men happy and comfortable.

I wish more women would realise that "he has anxiety tho" isn't an adequate excuse for putting up with this kind of absolute fuckwittery. By allowing situations like the one in the OP to continue, we just transfer this same bullshit to our children.

Many anxious men will only take accountability for their own anxiety when the women who tip toe around them wake up and stop pandering. And without taking personal accountability, recovery can't happen...

You can definitely have both, but it's a choice to behave like this.

I just can't get over cancelling a holiday last minute leaving your family disappointed, upset and embarrassed, your friends thousands of of pocket and then having the bare faced gall to refuse to pay!

Lots of cross posts there.

You can have both = have anxiety and be an arsehole.

How do you maintain any feelings of love for him ?
I couldn't imagine feeling anything other than hatred

The thing is, you have nothing to lose , people have already stopped talking to you and probably dislike you by association. So what if they think you're callous? It's better than now,and you'd still have friendships.

Plus a normal person would see right through his act, which is why people have stopped contact.

He's a childish,pathetic and controlling arsehole. He's also the one ruining "your image" not you.

This isn't anxiety.. No one with anxiety sticks their friends with the bill like that. That's just being a complete and utter selfish wanker.

When you are married to someone you throw in your lot together. He was a manipulative idiot cancelling the villa holiday but you should have made sure the friends weren't out of pocket. I think you should consider your future. I fear if you stay with him your children will be damaged and will want nothing to do with either of you when they are adults.

Why are you so concerned about what he thinks, when you KNOW he is being unreasonable, manipulative and selfish?

Next time he turns the emotional blackmail up, ignore him. Or even better fight fire with fire. If he accuses you of being selfish and unconcerned about his health, then respond and tell him you are fed up of his hypochondria and exaggeration and controlling you being able to have any kind of social life - then walk out the door.

I'd be divorcing him though. Do you honestly want to spend the next 40 odd years with this arsehole?

It sounds nothing like social anxiety. In social anxiety you don't then land your friends with the bill for your villa you just bailed on.

It sounds like a control tactic - he gets powerful reinforcement from you and the children that he is the most important person in the world.

Imagine him pulling this stunt on the morning of your kid's wedding. Or the day they are due to go to university. He has you all just where he wants you. The kids think Daddy neeeeeds them as he is soooo poorly. Er, no.

The question is, now you have spotted the pattern, what are you going to do about it?

I'm not saying this to make you feel worse, but in your shoes I would have insisted that we paid the full amount to our friends. That would have been essential to me. Now the fact that you let him browbeat you out of that suggests that you are much more controlled by him than you've ever realised.

My eldest daughters father is exactly like this, I was with him for less than 2 years, it was all I could take, lots of other issues. I think my daughter has PDA, a type of autism, and I realise that his arsehole tendencies like this and many others could be PDA too. I think it's an expectation avoidance anxiety type of thing, but doesn't look like usual anxiety.

Is he otherwise lovely? If not, LTB.

The most worrying thing here is that the kids are buying into it and he's controlling and manipulating them as well.