DH is sabotaging our relationships with other people

[Theburiedpenis]

DH has done a few things over the years which have alienated us from other people. Big things like pulling out of holidays with friends last minute and leaving them with the bill for the villa, to little things like pulling out of dinners, events or gatherings last minute when people have made an effort for us or spent money, and he expects the DC and I to do so as well.

It's made worse for me by the fact that I -rightly or wrongly - am quite motivated by other people's approval and being part of a group. So when he alienates people it causes me a lot of suffering. And when we start to arrange things with other people or family I feel sick with suspense at what way DH may sabotage the relationship.

DH's reasons for pulling out of things are always based around something that has happened to him, like a sudden depression, or injury or illness. All things which are very subjective, which he considers extreme and which it is hard to argue that he should just "push through" without being accused of lacking sympathy or being "cold and heartless" towards him, as DH puts it.

But he seems to bring these things out the day, or two to three hours before we are supposed to do something that I am looking forward to.

One of the big examples (he has done this twice) is pulling out of holidays with my (and supposedly his) friends. We booked a villa for several thousand pounds, each family paying a couple of thousand each. The day before we were due to fly, DH decided that he was ill (I'd say he probably had a cold but he thought it was "much worse." Granted, he has asthma so it may have felt much worse.) I tried to persuade him to see how he felt, get some medication, I said we wouldn't want to lose the money and the DC were looking forward to seeing their friends.

Anyway, he insisted we pull out, stating he was very unwell. And he told our friends that it was such exceptional circumstances beyond our (his) control that they should allow us not to pay and take on our financial contribution themselves as they would get to enjoy the holiday and we would not. When they said that was unfair, he told them what was unfair was the compassion they lacked at his being "extremely unwell." Well, one of those friends no longer talks to us and that is a loss to me.

There have been many smaller things like this, but they all involve DH bending the rules or breaking the contract and justifying it to himself because he feels that what is happening to him is an extreme exception, and if anyone were to question his special circumstances that they would be a heartless, uncompassionate psychopath.

And if I show him the pattern of events he has created, he has an explanation for each one, each a one-off, an exceptional circumstance. And if I don't put his suffering first above "socialising" (as he calls it) then I am not a good life partner etc.

FWIW he does this with his ownfamily too and his friends so it's not just limited to people who are predominantly connected to me.

What do you think? Is anyone else's partner like this?

I suffer badly from anxiety at times so although I am an extrovert and a social person, sometimes I have periods where I won't go out much and where going to an event is just too much.

I'm not a compete dick about it, though.

The nerve of it - you as his wife have a choice about how you respond to his actions, so fair enough, if you want to lie in that bed that's your choice. But I just cannot believe how he has treated your friends.

I'd be happy to be badly thought of by a cock like that, I'd know I was probably doing something right!

More concerned with your image? What image?! Most people now must hate your family so I doubt they would think worse of you for not pandering to him.

I'm surprised you have any friends left if that's the way he behaves. I can't believe he left friends with a considerably more expensive holiday by pulling out at the last minute. It's bad form to cancel but to leave there to foot the bill for you is hideous behaviour.

I wouldn't pander to him. I would go out with the children anyway. I wouldn't let his attention seeking dramas compromise mine or my children's lives.

I would show him this thread, let him see how his behaviour looks to others.

He's enjoying shitting all over your excitement and I would wager he doesn't like it when you're looking forward to spending time outside "the family". This won't stop until you go without him. Or get rid of him, preferably. Who gives a crap what he says people will think of you when you know he's saying it with the agenda of keeping you at home? Makes my skin crawl.

To me, it sounds like he has no intention of going to these things in the first place. Does he actually like having friends, going out socialising etc?

Its hard to describe it as abuse when he's saying he is ill. Buts what it is.
Abusive men isolate you from your friends. He is also using financial abuse against you.

What are you going to do?

this guy is Horrendously controlling.. this is truly appalling reading OP... how can you be around him... you must have no energy atall left... how on earth do you cope with such callous manipulating.... daily

Nasty person through and through for so many reasons..LTB

So OP you say you have defied him and gone anyway - what happened the last time you defied him?

Did people say you were awful and callous?
How did he handle it?

Or have you said you would go but then changed your mind when he said people would think you were callous.
What do your friends say? Do they ask you about it? Do they say'come anyway without him'?

I ask because I'm not sure you are ever standing up to him and I'm wondering if you have any close friends. Mine would be questioning this and giving me a certain amount of input

Who would he be painting you as callous to, exactly? Doesn't everyone around you who has been disappointed by him know exactly what he's like?

I think you have to stop covering for him, at the very least. I think you should plan things that you and the dc can achieve whether he pulls out or not, assuming from the first he'll do his worst, and carry on regardless.

Ultimately I think if you look at your relationship objectively, you're going to see more and more ways that he controls you.

In future show huge concern, INSIST on calling doctor or ambulance. If he refuses he is clearly not that ill. You really need to move on from him but I know life is never that straightforward. Regardless you need to grow a thicker skin and harden your heart to his manipulative behaviour.

I would never make plans with anyone else again. He's a let down.

And I would not fall for his guilt tripping. I'd go wherever possible.

What a poor role model he is.

Don't put up with his bullying and manipulation. You know he's being unreasonable. But instead of sticking to your guns and showing him how unreasonable he is by going ahead with your plans, you believe him when he says that refusing to go along with his manipulative crap makes you a 'bad wife'. It is not your job to cover for him, sort out the strife he causes with friends and mop hus brow when he has a cold!

I'm wondering why he agrees to these things in the first place. The only nice explanation I can think of (and a PP mentioned this) is that he gets anxiety about it and a little ailment offers him an escape. However, if he doesn't feel guilty about what this does to you and the kids, he does sound like a shit. Sorry.

Is he depressed? Or suffer from anxiety. I could have written some of this. I suffer going out for dinner in the passed it got to a point where we had to cancel last minute. I felt bad but it was fight or flight and my way of dealing was to not put my self into that position. Maybe speak to your husband and seek medical help. He may not be doing it on purpose.

He has a thing about how we all should put our "family" (i.e. Each other) first.

Sounds to me as if he has a thing about prioritising himself. Can you give us an example of a time when he prioritised you? Thought not.

I realise that I am projecting massively here, but had a relationship with someone who sounded a lot like this. To be fair, nit as bad, but in the same general direction. I never felt so go as when I finally (sic) woke up to all his tricks and got away.

Sure, it may be anxiety, but an adult who wants to be decent to his family would get help for a condition, and try not to cause you and his family any inconvenience, i would really like to see how he would react if you said, ok, im taking the DCs anyway. Cue miraculous recovery.

It's really not anxiety. Unless he has the unusual 'anxiety induced selfish shithead syndrome'

He's passive agressive, he's doing this to control you. He likes keeping you anxious and stressed. He knows that you want to have friends and be liked ( nothing wrong with that ) and he enjoys spoiling it for you.

All these times that he has been " gravely ill " - was he admitted to hospital? If not, ask yourself why ?

When he became so ill he couldn't go on holiday, did you claim your travel insurance ? If not, why ?

Because that's what people do if their illlness is real and not feigned.

It's fine to have no sympathy with people who feign illness to manipulate others. . It's very different, as others have said, from genuine social anxiety.

*.

He's a controlling manipulative emotional blackmailer who gets jealous if you have fun outside 'the family
This and he is controlling not just you but your poor children. It really doesn't matter what a man like this thinks of you, and what he says others will think of you is bullshit. You need to start , without exception , ignoring these outbursts before your children become really damaged. The only attention you should pay to them is to drop him at a&e, unless that would spoil your plans, in which case if he thinks an ambulance too extreme call him a taxi and swan off to your engagement. Book only things you can pay for - don't let him have any control.
But basically he's a turd.

Interesting that he can't have taken out any form of travel insurance, which one should always do, which would have covered the costs if he was ill enough to have to miss the holiday.

Then again, he would need a doctor's certificate to get cancellation insurance to pay out, and you need to be genuinely ill to get one of them...

FGS, next it will be 'Does he has Asperger's?' He's a manipulative, pisstaking drama queen. I'd never speak to someone who pulled a stunt like he did with the holiday again, he's lucky it's just the one friend. He's a flakey shit is what he is. Who does this to their kids? A wanker, that's who.

This is all about control. He wants absolute control over you and your children and plays upon your kindness and fear of upsetting him to get what he wants. He wants his own way all the time. I know people like this (not as extreme as your husband though) - if they've been asked to go to an event they haven't organised, they try and take back control by suddenly becoming ill or having a car/transport issue - my husband went through a phase of suddenly developing a headache and feeling sick whenever we were at my friends' parties or weddings.
You are absolutely not a callous person. Nobody thinks you're callous. Even your DH does not think you're callous, despite him trying to manipulate you into thinking you are. What would happen if, next time your husband played the "poor me" card, you simply said: "Perhaps I am heartless, you're right", safe in the knowledge that you're not the problem, and went off with your Dc to enjoy yourselves, for once? I know it must be difficult after years of manipulation but I think you need to show him he can't guilt trip you any more. You certainly owe it to your children to put them first.

Sounds to me like he suffers from anxiety.
Sounds to me like a controlling dickhead, and most of the other harsh but true descriptions given by others!

expat that one's already shown up.

And anxiety doesn't make you shaft your friends to the tune of several grand either.

The way it sounds, he'd make you feel "guilty" for going on the holiday without him. But is that really any worse than the terrible way you'd feel letting your other friends down and putting them out of pocket. LTB.