DH is sabotaging our relationships with other people

[Theburiedpenis]

DH has done a few things over the years which have alienated us from other people. Big things like pulling out of holidays with friends last minute and leaving them with the bill for the villa, to little things like pulling out of dinners, events or gatherings last minute when people have made an effort for us or spent money, and he expects the DC and I to do so as well.

It's made worse for me by the fact that I -rightly or wrongly - am quite motivated by other people's approval and being part of a group. So when he alienates people it causes me a lot of suffering. And when we start to arrange things with other people or family I feel sick with suspense at what way DH may sabotage the relationship.

DH's reasons for pulling out of things are always based around something that has happened to him, like a sudden depression, or injury or illness. All things which are very subjective, which he considers extreme and which it is hard to argue that he should just "push through" without being accused of lacking sympathy or being "cold and heartless" towards him, as DH puts it.

But he seems to bring these things out the day, or two to three hours before we are supposed to do something that I am looking forward to.

One of the big examples (he has done this twice) is pulling out of holidays with my (and supposedly his) friends. We booked a villa for several thousand pounds, each family paying a couple of thousand each. The day before we were due to fly, DH decided that he was ill (I'd say he probably had a cold but he thought it was "much worse." Granted, he has asthma so it may have felt much worse.) I tried to persuade him to see how he felt, get some medication, I said we wouldn't want to lose the money and the DC were looking forward to seeing their friends.

Anyway, he insisted we pull out, stating he was very unwell. And he told our friends that it was such exceptional circumstances beyond our (his) control that they should allow us not to pay and take on our financial contribution themselves as they would get to enjoy the holiday and we would not. When they said that was unfair, he told them what was unfair was the compassion they lacked at his being "extremely unwell." Well, one of those friends no longer talks to us and that is a loss to me.

There have been many smaller things like this, but they all involve DH bending the rules or breaking the contract and justifying it to himself because he feels that what is happening to him is an extreme exception, and if anyone were to question his special circumstances that they would be a heartless, uncompassionate psychopath.

And if I show him the pattern of events he has created, he has an explanation for each one, each a one-off, an exceptional circumstance. And if I don't put his suffering first above "socialising" (as he calls it) then I am not a good life partner etc.

FWIW he does this with his ownfamily too and his friends so it's not just limited to people who are predominantly connected to me.

What do you think? Is anyone else's partner like this?

I honestly can't imagine living the way you do though I do feel you're enabling him by tolerating this bullshit
He's an arsehole & I'm amazed you have any friends left tbh, it will impact on your children's ability to form & keep friendships-you know this right?

He is a bully, who has no compunction at not only ruining things for his wife and kids, but will willingly rip off friends . I wonder how you can bear to live with someone like that. And I don't understand how he can have such a powerful reputation - I can't imagine anyone wanting to do business with him if his word can't be trusted.
He's bound to come a cropper sooner or later - if it was me I'd be filing for divorce while he's still got assets to divide, because at some point this will all come tumbling down, and his reputation will be such that he will become unemployable.

You might think that Jenny. Personally I don't think OP needs hectoring.

I honestly can't imagine living the way you do
I wonder how you can bear to live with someone like that
Then count yourselves lucky you clearly haven't been in a coercive controlling relationship.
He's bound to come a cropper sooner or later
No. Sociopaths very often get away with anti-social, abhorrent behaviour because most people don't have a clue about the stealthy ways they operate.

You asked what people think
Everyone is telling you
But go talk to a counsellor in real life and work on a strategy
And go see a lawyer
Get the financials sussed
Make a plan

Honestly I doubt anyone thinks of you as a "callous wife".
If anything they probably wonder why you comply with his tantrums.
If anyone asks why you're at the party while he is at deaths door just laugh and say he's a drama queen who wanted an excuse not to come.

If he is at death s door take him to a and e

So you're both perpetual victims then? Not just him? How is it offensive for people to tell you to get a grip? You should have therapy or seek legal advice. You're staying in a situation you know is wrong and dragging your children along for the ride. You say he is powerful reputationally - i think from a lot of what you have said you have serious issues surrounding what other people think of you. Newsflash: the majority of people have their own problems also and don't spend that much time analysing you. Get help - for the sake of your children and stop enabling this vile man.

I think people are just trying to shock you - it's surprising how quickly the abnormal can be normalised. I think it's worrying that you see the "little things" such as the dinners etc that he's backed out of as minor, when it's pretty hurtful and insulting on the receiving side. The holiday was egregious of course.

What is life like, living with him?

Do you have any plans for how to deal with it?

You say you are scared of him and he is a bully.

Do you dream of divorcing him but stay out of fear?

But you know he’s not Ill.

ALL YOUR FRIENDS know he’s not ill.

The ONLY way things will change is when YOU change the way you react and behave.

Stop enabling this horrendous behaviour

Ultimately, you have to leave him, you have to be the kids away from this situation, but that’s not going to happen any time soon.

Please understand that they are being damaged by this, and the sooner you get them out of it, the better.

he is quite powerful, financially, reputationally

In whose view? His? Yours? Has he told you this? Financially powerful yet sticks his friends with his share of a shared villa because he doesn't get to enjoy the holiday and you give them all you can afford but it's not much because it's out your salary, powerful financially and doesn't share any of his income with you?

Op, have you just moved onto building him up because uou dont want folks to think you're with a total loser and have no reason to stay?

he needs to stop over committing himself. I have this problem (a ton of anxiety and various other fun MH problems) but I do rarely these days over commit myself..... as i know i'll be miserable and will be considering driving my car into a lamppost to get out of it (true story). so you are a NT extrovertish and he's got demons. I'm going to go ahead and say you are fundamentally ill suited and you will both be happier/less stressed leading separate lives.

but the thing about the villa bill is absolutely terrible that is LTB territory...

You've got to realise that other people must have seen through him, OP? He fucks over his friends, he fucks over his colleagues, he fucks over his family. People do not like him.

He's not all-powerful - he's the emperor with no clothes - he relies on not being called out on his shitty behaviour, but the edifice crumbles as soon as they do. You will have more support than you imagine if you stop covering for him and go "you know what, he's treated us like shit for years."

Omg he sounds vile!!! Don't let him get away with this bullshit!

Was he like this before? That would be the first question. If he has recently developed such a behaviour I think you should talk to him at length as to what makes him so anxious .

He is being very controlling.
Alianating you from people is a form of control and he sounds financially controlling as well.

Is he nice in other ways?

God he sounds exactly like my friend's ex, down to the 'superiority'. She always made excuses for him. Luckily they split up but he is still, years later, trying to play ridiculous mind games with her.
It's not normal loving behaviour.

My ex was like this.

He used to cause huge arguments just before we were due at important work dinners (mine). And refuse to come unless I apologised etc etc.

It was awful.

Utterly awful.

Your post reminds me how lovely it is to be free of that.

Ultimately it comes down to a lack of respect for you. In my opinion.

I would seriously consider telling him this is really affecting you. If he continues to do it, it underlines his lack of respect for things that are important to you.

And for me, that was a deal breaker.

You know he's not ill, your friends know he's not ill.

They don't wonder how you could go to a party when he's dying, they roll their eyes and wonder how long you will put up with this nonsense and how much it will damage the children.

Just read Hissy's post above - snap!

You are being abused and still you make excuses of sorts.

All I would say to you op is how would you feel if this was happening to one of your children? ( it is now but indirectly )

I know what it's like to be a people pleaser but an incident earlier this year made me grow a pair and start standing up for myself.

There will always be someone who dislikes you for no reason. Do you like everyone you know? I know I don't.

This image you want to portray will always be skewed whilst you are with this man child.
No matter how nice you are, you will still be associated with him.

The most important thing is that you learn to like yourself, value yourself op.
Then you would be able to see a bit clearer and realise that there is a life out there waiting for you which doesn't involve all of this drama. It must be exhausting.

You and your children deserve better.

Sounds exactly like my father. My mother rarely gets a chance at events let alone holidays. He's very possessive, aggressive, narcissistic and controlling.

He genuinely is very ill (due to alcoholism) but also conveniently times a deterioration sometimes literally at the moment my mother is leaving.

I disagree with berating the op, she has been conditioned/trained to capitulate.

Emotional abuse and manipulation is insidious and subtle.

Op PLEASE don't become my mother with few friends, a very frustrated family and barely able to go more than a few miles from home without MONTHS of preparation.

It's not a life it's an existence. I have to agree it does also impact on your children. My brother and I are both extreme people pleasers in our personal lives which has made it easy for people to take advantage. My sister is the opposite and is becoming more like my father by the day only pleasing herself and expecting her children to please her as a priority (she has no partner and hasn't for some years).

This excuse of a man only has the power you give him. Please get counselling and prepare to leave him, you are worth so much more.