DH is sabotaging our relationships with other people

[Theburiedpenis]

DH has done a few things over the years which have alienated us from other people. Big things like pulling out of holidays with friends last minute and leaving them with the bill for the villa, to little things like pulling out of dinners, events or gatherings last minute when people have made an effort for us or spent money, and he expects the DC and I to do so as well.

It's made worse for me by the fact that I -rightly or wrongly - am quite motivated by other people's approval and being part of a group. So when he alienates people it causes me a lot of suffering. And when we start to arrange things with other people or family I feel sick with suspense at what way DH may sabotage the relationship.

DH's reasons for pulling out of things are always based around something that has happened to him, like a sudden depression, or injury or illness. All things which are very subjective, which he considers extreme and which it is hard to argue that he should just "push through" without being accused of lacking sympathy or being "cold and heartless" towards him, as DH puts it.

But he seems to bring these things out the day, or two to three hours before we are supposed to do something that I am looking forward to.

One of the big examples (he has done this twice) is pulling out of holidays with my (and supposedly his) friends. We booked a villa for several thousand pounds, each family paying a couple of thousand each. The day before we were due to fly, DH decided that he was ill (I'd say he probably had a cold but he thought it was "much worse." Granted, he has asthma so it may have felt much worse.) I tried to persuade him to see how he felt, get some medication, I said we wouldn't want to lose the money and the DC were looking forward to seeing their friends.

Anyway, he insisted we pull out, stating he was very unwell. And he told our friends that it was such exceptional circumstances beyond our (his) control that they should allow us not to pay and take on our financial contribution themselves as they would get to enjoy the holiday and we would not. When they said that was unfair, he told them what was unfair was the compassion they lacked at his being "extremely unwell." Well, one of those friends no longer talks to us and that is a loss to me.

There have been many smaller things like this, but they all involve DH bending the rules or breaking the contract and justifying it to himself because he feels that what is happening to him is an extreme exception, and if anyone were to question his special circumstances that they would be a heartless, uncompassionate psychopath.

And if I show him the pattern of events he has created, he has an explanation for each one, each a one-off, an exceptional circumstance. And if I don't put his suffering first above "socialising" (as he calls it) then I am not a good life partner etc.

FWIW he does this with his ownfamily too and his friends so it's not just limited to people who are predominantly connected to me.

What do you think? Is anyone else's partner like this?

Not sure what to say here. He's selfish and controlling.

Oh don't be so silly. Let him do what he wants but don't play along with it.

He's a vile controlling arsehole

I think he has some kind of mental health problem. Either some kind of social anxiety so he makes excuses not to go OR some kind of drama 'I'm gravely ill' attention seeking.

If it's not a MH problem, then it's him trying to control you, isolate you from your friends and make sure you all kowtow to him.

Either way, it's not normal and I think the next time you should go without him and see what happens. If he claims to be terribly ill, then say he needs to go to the GP and if he doesn't, he can't be that ill.

My ex was a bit like this. Only his reasons for sabotaging - in his case, more recusing himself completely from friendships, causing DC and I to have to almost always socialize without him even at Xmas and so on - was that I was constantly (in his eyes) "disrespecting" or embarrassing him in front of others. So he'd spit out his dummy one day over whatever friendship was just starting to blossom, and that would be that.

Really it was just that he was a drama queen with controlling tendencies, always testing me to see whether I'd put him above others - pathologically insecure. And just didn't want to have to be around other people. I believe it was down to social anxiety on his part that he projected completely onto me and refused to take responsibility for. It made my life miserable.

I left him when he ramped it up and started accusing me of affairs. With the friends that he refused to socialize with. There by forcing me to spend time alone with them... If he'd just been a normal person I'd never have needed to see them on my own!!

Op your dh sounds really unhinged tbh. It's one thing to be a flake. It's another to emotionally abuse the family into being a flake with him. He sounds like a gaslighter and controller, one who uses isolation tactics to boost his own sense of control. It's not doing the children any good to be drawn into this, let alone to witness you suffering on your dhs account.

I don't think it sounds like he suffers from anxiety at all.
The people I know who have anxiety issues, including me, are pretty mortified when it impacts other people and certainly wouldn't try and get others to foot the bill.

The last minute holiday cancellation must have been devastating for your children. How incredibly selfish he didn't let you and the children go on the holiday without him. I'd have gone anyway. You need to stop pandering to him and worrying about upsetting him by going against his wishes.

Next time it happens he can look after himself.

Why the fuck have you played along with this ridiculous game??

What a horrible, selfish man. So he routinely ruins all the fun times you and your children could have had, and he's awful and disrespectful to your friends as well??

How can you have any respect at all for a man like that?

I have my own money and DH Has his own money. We jointly own our house. He earns more than me and was going to pay for this holiday. But instead I gave what I had to my friends to make up for what happened. He thinks that was stupid of me and "people pleasing"

I feel like I can't win. If I do "defy" him and go anyway, I am painted as some callous wife who prefers "superficial socialising" to taking care of her DH. He really tries to cast me as that - the frivolous one who just wants to socialise all the time. The last time this happened and I said I would go anyway, he said it was obvious I was more concerned with my image than with my family.

And this stops me in my tracks because I'd hate to be thought of like that.

Sounds like a controlling twat. What a cock for doing this to his own kids. At the very least, stop buying into his guilt trips. At best, start to live your own life without him.

Next time he says he is 'gravely ill' or too il to be alone say... Do you think you might die? Could this be serious? If he says yes drop him off alone at a&e En route to wherever you are going. Don't stay with him at a&e because you need to care for the children say it isn't a healthy environment for them. If he refuses to go alone then he can't be 'gravely ill' so you should go out without him and leave him to sulk at home.

He only casts you as xyz if you allow him to. Your letting your husband rule (ruin?) your life. Either accept that and get on with it or get a grip.

Thought of like that by whom? Him? Come on now, surely you can see right through the ridiculously transparent manipulation??

Honestly, what a cock. I couldn't love him, never mind like him.

I suffer with anxiety. It can really be quite difficult to get past, and some days I just have to bow out of events as its too extreme. However, I've always been upfront about my illness to my DH and close family/friends, I still try to attend as many events as possible, but if I simply can't I explain what the issue is and I insist my DH and DS still go as I don't want it impacting on their quality of life.

Either your DH has severe anxiety but is in denial ...or he's a controlling arsehole who enjoys letting you all get excited for an event/holiday and then pulling the plug on it at the last minute.

I think next time he does this and becomes 'gravely ill' you should call his bluff and just go without him

Surely if he pulls out of a holiday the day before you are due to fly you will already have paid for the flights and accommodation so your friends are inconvenienced but not actually out of pocket?

*you're

I couldn't stay in this kind of relationship. I'd feel I still owed the debt to friends and would pay it myself if I could. Certainly wouldn't arrange any holiday or meal under the circumstances. Don't even bother asking him for an explanation. Sounds as if he'd wriggle out of anything and twist facts to suit himself and hasn't any kind of loyalty or guilt when he lets people down like this.

I have a husband with Asperger's and he does/did things like this all the time. I have developed a thick skin and I say nothing to the children. We just carry on without him. Family parties, holidays, days out and weekend breaks all letting me down at the last minute but over the past 29 years I have hardened my heart to his sad face and we have left. The kids are older now and ignore his bullshit as well. The best time I ever had was when I had a 2,3 and 10 year old (both boys also autistic) and I boarded a plane to Florida with them with my fingers crossed I could manage. And I did and we had a wonderful time. He could not believe I went without him but he now knows we will and guess what. Over the last five years he has not pulled out of a single family thing! ( He still lets work and his friends down)It can be anxiety but it is also a form of control and my advice is to stiffen your spine and teach your children it is rude and bad manners to let other down. Good luck OP.

he said it was obvious I was more concerned with my image than with my family.

He's a controlling manipulative emotional blackmailer who gets jealous if you have fun outside 'the family

It's not normal

Do you want to be with him any more?

GloriousGoosebump

He wanted them to cover his costs

From the OP " And he told our friends that it was such exceptional circumstances beyond our (his) control that they should allow us not to pay and take on our financial contribution themselves as they would get to enjoy the holiday and we would not. When they said that was unfair, he told them...."

But no one would think of you like that because that's not the situation. All you would need to say if anyone questioned why you were out instead of tending to the sick one is that he is absolutely fine on his own, has overreacted to a minor illness and is best off at home alone to recover in peace. Hope that makes sense. Totally agree with the others - you need to make much more of a stand and start going out without him every time he pulls this crap.

God I suffered from anxiety reading your post. That is my idea of a nightmare I hate letting people down it's not how a decent person behaves thankfully dh is the same. Don't know what to say really but sounds horribly stressful.