DH is sabotaging our relationships with other people

[Theburiedpenis]

DH has done a few things over the years which have alienated us from other people. Big things like pulling out of holidays with friends last minute and leaving them with the bill for the villa, to little things like pulling out of dinners, events or gatherings last minute when people have made an effort for us or spent money, and he expects the DC and I to do so as well.

It's made worse for me by the fact that I -rightly or wrongly - am quite motivated by other people's approval and being part of a group. So when he alienates people it causes me a lot of suffering. And when we start to arrange things with other people or family I feel sick with suspense at what way DH may sabotage the relationship.

DH's reasons for pulling out of things are always based around something that has happened to him, like a sudden depression, or injury or illness. All things which are very subjective, which he considers extreme and which it is hard to argue that he should just "push through" without being accused of lacking sympathy or being "cold and heartless" towards him, as DH puts it.

But he seems to bring these things out the day, or two to three hours before we are supposed to do something that I am looking forward to.

One of the big examples (he has done this twice) is pulling out of holidays with my (and supposedly his) friends. We booked a villa for several thousand pounds, each family paying a couple of thousand each. The day before we were due to fly, DH decided that he was ill (I'd say he probably had a cold but he thought it was "much worse." Granted, he has asthma so it may have felt much worse.) I tried to persuade him to see how he felt, get some medication, I said we wouldn't want to lose the money and the DC were looking forward to seeing their friends.

Anyway, he insisted we pull out, stating he was very unwell. And he told our friends that it was such exceptional circumstances beyond our (his) control that they should allow us not to pay and take on our financial contribution themselves as they would get to enjoy the holiday and we would not. When they said that was unfair, he told them what was unfair was the compassion they lacked at his being "extremely unwell." Well, one of those friends no longer talks to us and that is a loss to me.

There have been many smaller things like this, but they all involve DH bending the rules or breaking the contract and justifying it to himself because he feels that what is happening to him is an extreme exception, and if anyone were to question his special circumstances that they would be a heartless, uncompassionate psychopath.

And if I show him the pattern of events he has created, he has an explanation for each one, each a one-off, an exceptional circumstance. And if I don't put his suffering first above "socialising" (as he calls it) then I am not a good life partner etc.

FWIW he does this with his ownfamily too and his friends so it's not just limited to people who are predominantly connected to me.

What do you think? Is anyone else's partner like this?

I totally understand those suggesting anxiety, I suffer from it too, but the thought of letting my friends be out of pocket, or letting them down, would HAUNT me.

Are there other things he won't do, at the last minute? Smaller stuff - shopping, school stuff etc, or just things with maximum impact?

This is exactly the same as when someone you know has caused their own personal disaster and then calls you a "bad friend" for not cleaning up their mess. It's code for "Wahhh, you're not doing exactly what I want".

YY, everyone I know with anxiety is very concerned about inconveniencing others and feels bad about it. So they end up feeling anxious about going and anxious about NOT going.

That doesn't sounds anything like the OPs husband, from what she's posted.

sounds to me like he suffers from anxiety

What form of anxiety requires you to leave your friends £££ out of pocket? Anxiety about paying your way?

Well, he's right about one thing, you are more concerned about your image than your family. You made your children miss their holiday because he might have said you were a meanie.

Complaining that a known twatbadger make sad faces and calls you a meanie is not a valid excuse for hurting your children and your friends.

Obviously he has trained you to put his feelings above everything else. I guess you've been worn down over many years.

If anyone asks why he's not at the event "He's not well. He'll be fine, he always is but didn't feel up to this." If pressed "No really, don't send flowers, it's just that he gets stressed by social events so sometimes pulls out at the last moment."

As for him. Carry on 100% with going anyway, don't even for one second entertain the idea of not going. It's not a negotiation. "You'll be fine. See you later." You can say this in response to absolutely any of his ridiculous drama about you being a big meanie.

He's a twatbadger. He should feel bad.

OP I can openly say that I have experienced issues in my relationship.

Anyway, he insisted we pull out, stating he was very unwell. And he told our friends that it was such exceptional circumstances beyond our (his) control that they should allow us not to pay and take on our financial contribution themselves as they would get to enjoy the holiday and we would not. When they said that was unfair, he told them what was unfair was the compassion they lacked at his being "extremely unwell." Well, one of those friends no longer talks to us and that is a loss to me

If DP did the above to me I would leave him!!

to little things like pulling out of dinners, events or gatherings last minute when people have made an effort for us or spent money, and he expects the DC and I to do so as well.

These aren't "little things" either. Just because they're not on the scale of the villa holiday doesn't mean they don't have a major negative impact on other people. He's done this so often that your understanding of what's significant and what isn't is skewed.

You know why he's doing it. He can't bear not being the centre of your attention. So he piles on the guilt, says things that he knows will make you fall into line, and everyone goes along with it and he wins.

Is wins the wrong word? No. Your thread title refers to sabotage - destructive or obstructive action carried on by a civilian or enemy agent to hinder a nation's war effort. Sabotage is deliberate, and yes this IS a war. He's making it one.

You have three choices:

Let him carry on ruining every event for you and the DCs

Go to things without him. DO NOT feel guilty or callous. He's an adult and can make decisions and take responsibility for himself. He doesn't get to impose those decisions on you.

Leave him. The attempted guilt trip will be like nothing you've ever seen before. Stick to your guns. The sense of freedom and autonomy you'll feel when you've done it will be awesome.

You are being controlled. Your children are being bullied. You're married to a twat. Your poor kids.

Would you hate being thought of as a controlled wife who is a doormat to her husband? .

I'm sure you are a lovely person who wants to be a supportive wife. It is all just wasted on him as you're his plaything who he can control at will.

Once you have the money I'd be paying the rest back to your friends. No excuse you no longer speak. You owe them.

It's all about power and control and he has all the power and exerts all the control over you and your children.

Putting family first - he's not putting you or your children first is he? He is only putting himself first and expecting you to do likewise and you are.

The only way anyone would think you were callous was if you jetted off whilst he was in hospital in ICU and at death's door. He hasn't been though has he? Just felt unwell.

I am totally shocked by the holiday with friends, I just don't know what to say - no wonder they don't speak to you. If your dh had been so critically ill he couldn't travel you would have been able to reclaim the costs from Travel Insurance, but he wasn't was he? He just didn't feel like going and decided you weren't going either.

You urgently need to shift the balance of power in your relationship and get some control over your and your children's lives.

There is a role some people play of the "Powerful Victim" where they use illness real or imaginary to control their family. You have to decide for yourself your own reaction as you cannot control his behavior. Right now he is rewarded for his bad behavior by getting you to do what he wants, so he has no reason to change.

I have a friend whose husband is similar. Every time she wants to go out he will either say he is ill so that she has to stay in or he waits until she is out and phones her saying he or one of the kids is sick so that she has to go home. He and the kids are always fine.

He sounds like a complete prick, OP, and you sound unbelievably compliant. You might need to woman up and face up to having your buttons pressed by your H, because indulging him just to avoid him accusing you of being superficial (or whatever) is not fair on your DC.

maxthe do you mean deblet's post above? I don't think she suggested the OP's DH has Asperger's. She just said her own DH has it. I think the OP should take a leaf out of deblet's book in any case.

Sorry op, but he sounds like an absolute nutcase.

What do you get out of this relationship?

What a nasty and spiteful individual.

Can't you see how ridiculous his comments are? If you don't comply, you don't care about your family. What a load of rubbish.

If he doesn't follow through on his commitments, he doesn't care about you or your family.

If he blackmails and manipulates you, he doesn't care about you or your family.

He's getting better and better at isolating you. He's right. You are a people pleaser and well and truly ready to comply with his nasty demands.

Why are you with this person at all?. What do you get out of this relationship now, what is the payoff that makes this all worth it to you?
What did you learn about relationships when growing up as well?

Something has and is still keeping you within this dysfunctional and abusive relationship so what is it?.

Would you want your children as adults to behave as their dad has done; of course not. Stop doing your bit here to show them that this treatment of you all is still acceptable to you on some level.

My god, I can only think that this is a combination of social anxiety and controlling twattery.
Does he really believe that he is extremely ill, or is he just saying the words to emotionally blackmail you?

You can't live like that, he is ruining yours and your children's lives.

I can only suggest an ultimatum: therapy or divorce.

You and the children need to go and do whatever it is you have planned and tell him you'll ring his GP for an emergency home visit for him and that the GP will arrange whatever care he needs whilst you're away.

His talk of 'family first' really means 'You think you can have fun with other people but I need you to drop them like hot bricks and show me how important I am to you'.

He is either
So anxious he can't deal with a change in his routine.
So terrified that people he'll be spending a lot of time with will see through his act and discover what a useless twat he is.
So controlling he has to have you agree with him and ask 'how high?' whenever he says 'Jump'

If I were you, I'd make a list of all the times that he's pulled that stunt
and a list of what the deficits were to you and the kids and what gains were to your husband.
I'd take the list to your GP and ask what sort of help your husband needs.

I can't remember which page but this is written in Lundy Bancroft
Why does he do that

But the book read it and stop pandering to him
If he ill enough that you can claim on travel insurance sure don't go
If not leave him to wallow

Buy the book

Wet no you can't take the list to go for him to get help
Only he can get help as is adult

But take list to gp and get help for you start with individual counselling

I would bypass the doctor and go straight to the lawyer. He's a manipulator who enjoys seeing you struggle to keep your friends. He's a really awful man.

He's awful. No one will really think you're abandoning him in his hour of need. They'll be pleased you finally stood up for yourself.

Why didn't you have access to joint money to pay your friends?
What an absolute arse hole he sounds. I'd be so embarrassed.
He sounds manipulative and abusive and is so obviously clearly wrong in the way he pulls out of things (and doesn't pay his share!).
Sorry but I couldn't be with somebody like this

He sounds like a manipulative prick. If you stay with him, you'll have no friends left soon. And dreadful example to your children. Why are you still with him?