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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Nagged for sex

190 replies

ohshiz · 23/09/2017 17:11

I just don't want it. No interest right now. Why won't he just piss off and accept it. It's only been 4/5 weeks. You'd think the bloke was a raging teenage virgin by the way he's acting.

OP posts:
Butterymuffin · 23/09/2017 19:43

Being around young children does make you want to withdraw, and many of us have experienced that, but you've said yourself it's always been like this, before children. So throwing that in is a red herring.

Original poster
ohshiz · 23/09/2017 19:44

Not a red herring; it just fuels my fire so to speak. Makes me even less interested

OP posts:
jeaux90 · 23/09/2017 19:44

Plenty of us have young kids, me included. Yes you do go through phases of it not being as frequent but that is not what you are saying is it.

You are saying you don't want it and you aren't going to want it. You don't like it.

You need to be honest and tell him that it's not going to change and if he doesn't want to go outside the marriage then he is either celibate or you separate. The nagging is not going to change your mind. God it sounds bloody awful. For both of you but seriously you are disregarding the impact the rejection maybe having on him and telling him to have a wank instead is at best dismissive.

Hanuman · 23/09/2017 19:46

He will leave you in the end. Do you care? If so, you need to do something about it - counselling, communication, medical help, whatever.

I have a 10 month old - we don't have sex as often as we used to but we both still want to.

Original poster
ohshiz · 23/09/2017 19:46

What am I suppose to do? I've suggested splitting, I've suggested him going elsewhere, what have I got left other than forcing myself to do something I don't want?

OP posts:
AnchorDownDeepBreath · 23/09/2017 19:48

* He's agreed to it for 6 years that's my point.*

I did, for nearly a decade. Then I realised I don’t want to live like that. He can change his mind; as can you.

Are you happy?

googlecoffee · 23/09/2017 19:51

No you shouldn't do it if you don't want to. If you are then no wonder you hate it.
You really need to explain all this to your hubby. He should at least try stopping the nagging to see if this makes a difference for you!

Sharkbaithoohaha · 23/09/2017 19:51

Wow this really isn't a great way to be feeling.
You have a choice and if it's time for you to walk away from this situation then do it.

Taylor22 · 23/09/2017 19:52

I'd divorce

jeaux90 · 23/09/2017 19:54

No don't do that, don't do something you don't want: Perhaps he still thinks you will change your mind. Have you given him hope?

Perhaps you could paint the picture on how you can co-parent after separation? Or is that not what you want?

googlecoffee · 23/09/2017 19:55

* I'd divorce*

Why? She loves him & he doesn't want to leave.Hmm

pullingmyhairout1 · 23/09/2017 19:57

You are sexually incompatible. My ex husband and I were like that. He completely went off sex after I had our daughter, my sex drive went through the roof. I tried to be patient but 5 years went by and we'd had sex twice. I got out. Could not live with it any longer!

Wanderlust1984 · 23/09/2017 20:00

I've no real advice OP other than have you considered seeing a doctor? I struggle going a week without, let alone 5-6 weeks. If you love him and it's harming your marriage, might be something you're both able to work on to get a happy sexlife Flowers

11balloons Grin my partner and I have said "class", we mostly "make love" (hate it being called this), but now again don't we all sometimes just want a good fucking?? Smile

SparklingRaspberry · 23/09/2017 20:17

Poor bloke

This is not a happy marriage. You are not compatible. He will leave you eventually whether you believe it or not.

Just because he's 'accepted' it for the last 6 years it doesn't mean he's been happy about it or happily accepted it. Perhaps this is the start of the begining for him, that fact that he's now trying to have a sex life with you shows he's had enough of NOT having one!

If I was with somebody who wouldn't sleep with me I'd leave regardless of our history together.

SandyY2K · 23/09/2017 20:17

When you're tired enough with the nagging, you'll file for divorce.

lovemylover · 23/09/2017 20:19

Why did you marry him, if you knew you were not interested in sex,its part of a loving relationship,or should be
I feel sorry for your husband,you dont sound to have much respect for him either

pinkoneblueone · 23/09/2017 20:23

I used to be like this, as a result have a hubby with a porn addiction that he's trying to crack. I regret it now. One day the kids will be grown and you'll be lonely. It IS part of a marriage wether you realise it now or not.

pinkoneblueone · 23/09/2017 20:27

Part of our problem was not talking enough about what we want over all. It does help you're not in that place right now. If you are still together in years to come then you will eventually realise what it is that's missing from your relationship right now.

JustWonderingZ · 23/09/2017 20:38

OP, you need to be honest with him and tell him exactly that you don't want it ever, it's boring and you don't even want to hear about it, ever. I think your DH is under the impression things will change if he sticks it out long enough. You need to make it absolutely clear there is zero chance of it changing. Then your DH can make an informed decision whether he wants to stay in a sexless marriage for the next 20 years and or leave and find somebody who will give him what he needs.

We have all gone through dry spells of reduced sex when breastfeeding or looking after small children 24/7. A lot of us, though, chose to reach a compromise with our spouses and meet halfway. I believe it never is a good idea to ignore your partner's needs. Give and take.

However, in your case lack of interest seems permanent, it is not just a dip in desire. You need to make it absolutely clear to your partner. Otherwise it is massively unfair to them, to expect them to stay in limbo indefinitely.

SandyY2K · 23/09/2017 20:41

I think men realise divorce usually costs them a lot of money. Child support and spousal support keep them in a miserable marriages for ages.

OP, would you like to have a higher libido? Would you consider seeing your GP about it?

Wherearemymarbles · 23/09/2017 22:31

You dont enjoy sex and sounds like you never have, thats fine. You dont need to make excuses.

Trouble is people who have a low libido have no understanding of what its like to have a high libido and visa versa. So each side is seen as unreasonable to the other

So really be clear, say you dont want a sexual relationship, now or in the futute. He can leave, stay in a sexless marriage or stay and get it elsewhere.

Youve only been together 6 years, from where i'm sitting i cant see how this will be working in another 19.

Shoxfordian · 23/09/2017 22:57

Sex is part of a relationship for most people

I think you should divorce because I don't see how this can work. I agree he shouldn't nag you but really you should consider breaking up. You're making each other unhappy because you're incompatible

Taylor22 · 23/09/2017 23:16

Why? She loves him & he doesn't want to leave.

  1. I said I'd not OP should.
  1. There's not one ounce of love her in post. So I don't buy that she loves him.

Also just because he won't leave her now. Doesn't mean he loves her.
Could mean he love his children and can't bare the thought of getting such little visitation.
Could mean he has hope that OP will get help and actually try and make her Marriage a happy one.

Who knows.

LaurieFairyCake · 23/09/2017 23:27

Do you masturbate? If so how often?

Has sex ever been anything but boring to you?

Do you orgasm with your husband?

KeyChange · 23/09/2017 23:37

I was the same with my ex. He was my only sexual partner and I got zero pleasure from sex. Penetration did nothing for me and I would try to show him how to use his hands but he'd just go straight back to his way. As a result I would avoid sex as often often as I could and just try to get it out the way when I felt I had to. It was shit for both of us.

I'm happily single now and not sure I'll ever bother with a sexual relationship again.

I agree with others, best to separate. The "nagging" won't stop, the resentment will grow and it'll be shit for both of you. Sorry.

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