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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner got a custodial sentence today

190 replies

Blushingm · 22/09/2017 16:05

And I’m sad

I know he has to face up to his actions and take the consequences but I’m sad and I’m going to miss him

OP posts:
ShellyBoobs · 22/09/2017 21:30

Another horrible MN pile on.

I'm embarrassed to share a site with some of you.

Have some Biscuit Biscuit

I couldn't give a shit if you're embarrassed to 'share a site' with people who will be honest about an utter scumbag.

SomeBerryJam · 22/09/2017 21:46

Oh, come on, Bab. Really?????

JaneEyre70 · 22/09/2017 21:59

I do think you've had a hard time here OP, but that's because we all have different levels of what is acceptable in a relationship. You're saying that you are OK with his behaviour, and that's absolutely your choice. You will be living with this charming Hmm man, not any of us and good luck to you with it. It's a pretty short sentence given the nature of his crime. With your studies, it will pass very quickly.

DarthMaiden · 22/09/2017 23:08

What a depressing thread.....

Goodness me OP - I feel so sad that you have emotionally invested in someone so unworthy of you.

Some people can be delightful and charming - yet still utter bastards at the same time.

Walk away now. This and your other threads show he is not a good person.

Yes your heart will be sad for a while, but better that now than when you have invested years on someone so feckless.

He’s prepared to drink drive - in other words put many peoples lives at risk. He is not, whatever you might say, a good person.

Don’t be the person writing another thread in 2/3/4 years with the same issues but now married with kids.

There are many good men in this world. Men who want to love and respect their partner - put your emotional investment into someone who is worthy of it.

DarthMaiden · 22/09/2017 23:11

Oh and @custardcreamplease - great post

Crowdo · 22/09/2017 23:40

@ShellyBoobs

It's cute that you took the time to tell me you don't give a shit. You obviously do though! Grin

RestlessTraveller · 22/09/2017 23:57

Piglet and Shelly yrs he is a scumbag, the op isn't.

Do you think women in abusive and controlling relationships are motivated to get help by people who tell them they're stupid and deserve what they get?

Crowdo · 23/09/2017 00:12

Exactly that, RestlessTraveller. If you think someone is lacking confidence, calling them silly and cutting them off from talking about the relationship, unless it is to say that they are leaving him right now, yes sir, doesn't help. She needs to make her own decisions, not be ordered around by someone else.

butterfly56 · 23/09/2017 01:01

Op you cannot rescue this guy.
From an early age you have have probably been conditioned to care for others, take on their problems, find the good in people.
You are doing a fantastic job doing you degree but you need to realise that YOU are the main priority in your life.
You have chosen one of the most stressful professions to be in and the last thing you need in your life is someone who is a liability even though you care about him.
You are likely to become his carer, financial provider, get into debt with him as he cannot support you or contribute financially because other substances are his main priority.
You deserve better and you have worked hard to get where you are. Don't let him drag you down and try to stop thinking of him as a potential partner.
He is where he is because he chose that path. You have had a very tough start in life but you chose a better path.
If you have stress in your personal as well as your professional life you will become burnt out very quickly.
Take care of you first and foremost and try and stay away from him for your own good. Flowers

HappyLollipop · 23/09/2017 01:32

24 weeks! Thought you were going to say a year or more. TBH It sounds like a break would be good for the both of you to re-evaluate your lives he needs to pull himself together and you need to find your self-esteem from somewhere because he sounds like a right prick yet your pining over him like a school girl when he's done nothing for you so far. Work on yourself and hopefully when he gets out he'll be a changed man and you two can go from there but I wouldn't get my hopes up to high if I was you.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 23/09/2017 05:01

Do you think women in abusive and controlling relationships are motivated to get help by people who tell them they're stupid and deserve what they get?

Please point to where I said that.

HTH

GiantSteps · 23/09/2017 08:24

he can be kind and considerate and thoughtful and if I need help he will help

Except when he's stoned and driving when he is a menace to everyone else around him.

No sympathy at all. I'm glad there's one less potentially murderous driver around.

Bluntness100 · 23/09/2017 08:36

Another horrible MN pile on. I'm embarrassed to share a site with some of you

Yeah, you're right, what were we thinking? Op, you're doing good there. You stay with this piece of scum, ruin your life till you look back and wonder where the years went and wonder what the hell were you thinking as you sit lonely, single, and with shattered self esteem, let your kids learn from the criminal cheating druggie drinker that that shits ok. Yup, it's all good.

Biscuit
RestlessTraveller · 23/09/2017 08:37

Because there are only two ways to deal with this, right Bluntness

lollipop7 · 23/09/2017 10:02

@RestlessTraveller well there are only two ways ultimately. OP gets the hell out of Dodge or she hangs about and lets her life with this person continue to go vicariously down the toilet.

RestlessTraveller · 23/09/2017 11:17

Ultimately yes you are right lollipop but if you actually read my post I am talking about how to encourage her to seek help, and either 'yes stay with him, he's clearly a decent person underneath', or "how stupid are you to stay with him, it's all your fault" are not the only two ways to do it.

(Any before anyone asks for quotes I'm paraphrasing)

lollipop7 · 23/09/2017 11:23

@RestlessTraveller yes i get that. I did read your post. I don't disagree.

It's still one or the other though isn't it, really since it doesn't look likely he's going to change for himself never mind any other poor soul.

Bluntness100 · 23/09/2017 11:23

Hekp for what exactly? So she can achieve the second option and dump his sorry arse? Confused

Desmondo2016 · 23/09/2017 11:59

You're going to be a professional in a respected and challenging role. You sound really sweet. I just don't see where he fits into this, jail time or not. Don't think about it now, spend a week or two adjusting and you may be able to see the situation more objectively

MaisyPops · 23/09/2017 12:03

You sound nice OP, but I'm worried you're hoping you can change him and you can't.

It'll be tough but he's not a catch and you could spend time finding someone nice and law abiding who values being a decent person.

Use these 24 weeks to consider if you really want a life with a criminal who will probably bounce in and out of prison the rest of your life. You deserve better

Crowdo · 23/09/2017 12:24

Do any of you notice that you've already frightened the OP off?

Mrskeats · 23/09/2017 12:28

Don't you need a DBS to be a nurse?
Having a partner with a record could be a disaster

drinkswineoutofamug · 23/09/2017 12:41

OP how are you feeling today?

LuluJakey1 · 23/09/2017 12:48

I think you need to use the time to explore why you are attracted to this man- knowing what he is. You say your mother was an alcoholic and that is a red flag. Do you think you can change him and make him better? Are you used to being treated badly and have low self-esteem? There are lots of men who are nice, kind funny, will help you and are not alcoholic, druggie, drink-driving cheats. Find one of those would be my advice. I mean it kindly. He will never change.

RestlessTraveller · 23/09/2017 14:06

Actually Mrskeats Only things that the op has been convicted of/received a warning for would show up on a DBS.

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