Partner got a custodial sentence today

[Blushingm]

And I’m sad

I know he has to face up to his actions and take the consequences but I’m sad and I’m going to miss him

What do you suggest we say then?

Use this opportunity to get him out of your life, he is a loser!! He woll always be a loser!

My mum was an alcoholic- it killed her - but she wasn’t an evil person - just troubled and ill

Bingo. You're a compulsive care giver and codependent who is addicted to people with addiction issues. Get some therapy for your kids sake if not yours.

Another horrible MN pile on.

I'm embarrassed to share a site with some of you.

I'm so sorry, OP. It must be terrible reading this abuse on top of what you are already going through. For what it's worth, I'm on your side. Take care of yourself.

Op from what you've said you sound a lovely person. You mentioned your mum was also an alcoholic, could it be in trying to rescue him your really trying to rescue her?

@Blushingm by my reckoning his realise date is the 15th Dececember. By all means miss him for a little while, I used to have a Bf who treated me unkindly, perhaps not half as bad as your guy treats you but I was still upset when I ended it.

That doesn't mean you should stay with him though, but I think you know yourself already.

Spend the next 12 weeks catching up with friends, thinking about what kind of relationship would make you happy and making some plans for Christmas so that'll you'll be too busy to see him when/if he gets out.

I'd also stop all contact, just so that you're not tempted to see him again.

In regards to his sentence he may be possible for an open prison during part of his sentence which will allow home visits ect. Not alot of relationships survive prison. its expensive, think phone credit, over priced food at visits, travelling to visits and you get so little in return. So many people wait, full of ideas and expectations only to be let down once their other half is released. This guy seems to have repeatedly let you down, now he's vulnerable I'm pretty sure he'll come creeping saying all the things you want to hear. He'll change, get a job, wnt a life with you ect. I hope while your apart you realise you can be content on your own and its not your job to rescue him.

Sorry that should say release not realise!

One thing that you should think about, is that it takes a lot of dedication and hard work to make a career in nursing, it's not a soft option.

As you climb your professional ladder you will need help and support, on a personal level, often provided by a strong stable partner.

Ask yourself how well a heavy drinking drug taker will be prepared to help you reach your goals in life. All addicts put their own addiction before any other relationship, you and your needs will be well down the list for him.

You must have worked hard to get where you are, and you have the chance of a better life ahead of you, don't risk throwing your chance away.

Do look at the Freedom Programme, it could help you make some difficult decisions about where you want to be in five or ten years time.

Ex pat - why are you so sure I’ll get pregnant etc? I am not having any children with him or anyone else in the future! I will NEVER give up my nursing degree - I’ve less than a year left and I will not give up or fail!

Actually I think the poster who told you that you are a co dependent care giver is spot on. You've taken on that role as a result of your damaged relationship with your mother. You need to address this. Addicts are ressponsible for their actions and unless you want a life time of trying to save others you need to work on saving yourself...........or just carry on and repeat the pattern with your own children.

Sort out your priorities.

As well as catching up with friends, you've just been given a golden opportunity to put your all into your studies and spend some quality time with your children.

Is there someone at Uni that you could talk to about your Mum and how you're now drawn to abusive and addicted men?

@Blushingm - I don't think you are a bad person - so why don't you deserve a decent man in your life? One who doesn't drink to excess, drive whilst drunk and disqualified, or cheat on you.

Please take the next few weeks to look around you and see that there are so many men out there who have all the good points you see in this man, but don't have any of his nasty habits.

Whilst you are looking at him as the love of your life, you are unlikely to see how he measures up against properly decent men with any degree of accuracy - but hopefullynyou can get a bit more of a sense of proportion, over the next weeks.

Ask yourself this - if your best friend - or, in the future, your daughter or son - was in a relationship with a druggie who cheats on them, drives whilst drunk and disqualified and has no guilt about putting other innocent road users at risk, and who has gone to prison for that - what would you say to them? Would you tell them they didn't deserve any more than this waste of space? Or would you tell them they deserved so, so much more?

Why don't you deserve any better than this? Hint - YOU DO!!

I dated some awful guys when I was younger and this is what I've learnt;

-You can't rescue him

-it's not romantic to be involved with a bad guy

-he's not a tortured soul, he's an addict

-addicts are selfish and good liars

And lastly, judge him on his actions rather than his words. He won't change while you are enabling him to be like this.

As much as I am on your side OP I walked away from someone similar. 3 years of going backward and forwards. Being his "number 1" but not his only one. Loving him and after a while of not talking to him, it didn't hurt so much. Then one evening I was walking home and I met my now very lovely partner.

I decided a couple of weeks before me and DP made ourselves official to go visit my ex as he's been writing to me from prison to provide myself with closure and I walked out of that prison feeling nothing- I was expecting some kind of emotion but absolutely nothing, just wanted to get home if I was honest.

Hopefully one day you will be in my shoes. Looking with excitement at a brand new future with someone who knows your worth, won't take you for granted and has a future.

My best friend was killed by a driver who was drunk. She was 18. Her lovely family were destroyed.

I have no sympathy

I'm interested why some posters are upset that we are not being supportive. First, we don't HAVE to support anybody - especially if you are morally opposed to something. Secondly, depends what you mean by supportive. Pointing out that a relationship is unhealthy is a means of supporting . Or is it that we are not being warm and fluffy and posting . Well, maybe people are trying different words and tones in the hope that something will get through

Hopefully one day you will be in my shoes. Looking with excitement at a brand new future with someone who knows your worth, won't take you for granted and has a future.

^ this

I never thought I was worth any more than my shit of an ex. Well my now DP is ten times the man he will ever be.

I agree with MrsGrindah

A nurse....well,student nurse......happily associating herself with such a drain on services

Druggie AND risk taker,dragging innocent people down to their death with him? Nah.... imo it makes you just as bad for condoning it....staying with him.... being there for him.....

Ditch the loser and get yourself some self respect before it’s too late

I agree MrsG there's plenty of good advice on this thread although some isn't sugar coated.
The reality is, life isn't like a romantic film. He won't see the error of his ways and be cured with OP's love. Love won't conquer all and there won't be a happy ending.

"You can't help who you fall in love with" is romantic twaddle I'm afraid.

Blushing, have you done a placement on A&E? Have you seen the consequences of drink driving?

Anyone that knows of someone driving under the influence, or without a licence, and chooses not to contact the police is condoning that behaviour. If you condone it then you should be charged as an accessory. That might sound extreme but it's going to be the only way to get people to accept their social responsibility to protect others from their numpty of a boyfriend.

I don’t condone his behaviour- not one bit - I don’t allow him the keys to my car, I don’t let him drive me - he makes these choices alone

OP do you genuinely think you don't deserve better?

Criminal offences aside, he slept with his ex and messages other women. Everyone deserves better than to be treated like that. You're doing a nursing degree and sound very determined to succeed at it. I can guarantee you deserve a better relationship than this.