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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DHs family are bitching about me, DH wants me to ask for their feedback!

172 replies

GreenTomato3 · 21/09/2017 15:58

Recently me and DH went through a rocky patch, and he probably moaned to his family. Well DH ended our relationship out if the blue, I was very upset, didn't want it to end. We have 2 kids, and two step kids one of the step kids was very resentful of me and one of the younger kids. It was fine at first but then I took each step child away with just me for a weekend to treat them, and I took the other child first. I don't think she forgave me, as from then on she was catty around me, and then didn't like her half brother. So much so I had to intervene as she was putting him down a lot. Anyway, she was 14 then and now is 21, but moved out. The other step child I get on well with, 23. Neither come round, I used to invite them a lot but they have weekend jobs, boyfriends, and just never bother. They see DH as he takes them out while I mind the smaller ones when they are free in the evenings.

I always supported DH with his family, his mother and two sisters. I felt that we got on well.

Now he's gone to them with his woes, but since we are trying to get back together. However, he says that his family are now really don't like me and I got a text from his sister saying the whole family are distraught at what he's going through. At first I couldn't really believe it. He'd ended it with me! We'd been getting on well! I was devasted.

They went on to say that I had alienated his kids, that I wanted to have DH to myself and just our kids. That they had spoken to my step kids and they'd said DH didn't ever invite them to our house and I wasn't very nice when they did. I can't believe they both said that, but I wasn't there!

So now I'm doubly devastated. I wrote back to his sister just to say we were having a rocky time and stirring up ill feeling wasn't helpful.

So I asked DH and said I felt very sad that his family seemed to have ganged up and bitched about me. I didn't know what to do but felt like I had been a reasonable and ok wife, step mother and sister in law.

He said I should reach out to every person individually and ask for their feedback. Then take this on as personal learnings. He said he doubted I would as I was highly defensive.

Am totally caught off guard. What is going on? Already feeling low about DH wanting to leave me. No reasons ever given except that I make him cross. About what? Nothing just minor things.

I'm not even sure what exactly his family are so angry about? That DH wanted to leave? That I didn't?

Or why I am to blame for my step daughters decisions? I've always invited them, even with the resentful I'm still nice while she scowls at me and my son.

Why do I need to ask for feedback but not allowed to say how I feel back? I feel like running back to my own area and starting again.

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 21/09/2017 16:12

Is he serious?

Wow

His family sound toxic and he wants you to ask them all for feedback?! I think you should really consider if getting back together was a good idea

TalkinBoutNuthin · 21/09/2017 16:12

Tell your DH that you married him, not your family.

HE's caused all of this aggro, and he doesn't regret it for a moment, does he?!

I suspect he's been playing games all the way through, bitching about you behind your back to all and sundry, intimidating that things are your fault to either avoid doing things, or to make it easier to avoid the blame for things.

glenthebattleostrich · 21/09/2017 16:15

Wow, I honestly would be considering if I could be a part of that family.

Have you considered marriage counseling?

maxthemartian · 21/09/2017 16:16

Tell the lot of them to get fucked, him included.

picklemepopcorn · 21/09/2017 16:18

Sorry, leave him. He's completely unreasonable, and hasn't been telling his family the truth.

Original poster
GreenTomato3 · 21/09/2017 16:23

I'm questioning everything. I think what totally shocked me was the sheer one sidedness.

I was only aware before that one step daughter resented me, and I did try and resolve this is various ways. DH never wanted to hear me. Funnily enough, I confided in his sister at the time and what to do etc, she totally slagged their mother off and also said her nieces ignored her, they took after their mum she said. She said I was much better suited and had made a good home for everyone.

DH said he'd not instigated this and that he defended me.

OP posts:
RatherBeRiding · 21/09/2017 17:14

"Reach out"?
"Feedback"??
"Personal learning"???

WTAF?

I really like Maxthemartian's suggestion.

You don't need their feedback. Their feelings are their problem and I would really be questioning the whole relationship.

Sn0tnose · 21/09/2017 17:29

I would suggest that the best possible 'personal learning' you could do is to fuck the lot of them off! Feedback? Fuck off! You're his wife, not a contestant on Dragons Den!

If one of my friends or relatives asked me to give their partner feedback, I'd think they were bonkers and tell them to stop being such a dick.

Guiltypleasures001 · 21/09/2017 17:30

I think you should have a good bit of "blue sky thinking" 😒 and say to him he's "out of his box" and to
Altogether now

Fuck off to the far side of fuck then fuck off some more

For you 💐

MyBrilliantDisguise · 21/09/2017 17:34

I would be so grateful to be rid of the whole lot of them. You can't seriously be reconsidering a life with him? He's not only awful now, but he's always been awful! You've had a lot to cope with - now's your chance to stop it.

AJPTaylor · 21/09/2017 17:46

There are no words.

Get on with your and your kids lives. Do not get back with him. Never speak to any of them again.

Hermonie2016 · 21/09/2017 17:54

I think your H is a weak man who is looking for others to do his dirty work.He wants to remain the good but by avoiding conflict directly.

He is angry with you but rather than deal with it he's asking others to get involved in the conflict.He sits on the outside acting as the victim, however he's a secret assassin.

His probadly did the same to his ex wife which is why the family had a poor opinion of her.

I'm sorry you are in this situation, unless he faces up to the situation you will always just be the bad guy because he can't bear to have a grown-up discussion and maybe take on some responsibility for issues with his children.

NotQuiteJustYet · 21/09/2017 17:57

It honestly sounds like he's having you write your annual appraisal, I do hope he'll be offering a suitable payrise and potential bonus at the end of the year.

His family (and him) can shove their opinions where the sun doesn't shine...

TurnipCake · 21/09/2017 18:06

He said I should reach out to every person individually and ask for their feedback. Then take this on as personal learnings. He said he doubted I would as I was highly defensive.

What. The. Actual. Fuck.

Fuck that for a game of laughs

SweetLuck · 21/09/2017 18:13

He sounds like a right twat.

Tell him that feedback for personal growth is only really likely to happen in an atmosphere of mutual trust and support.

expatinscotland · 21/09/2017 18:19

Your husband is a twat. No more getting back together. Now you know why his first marriage broke down. I'd tell him we're through. There will be no pandering to his family, or him.

Myhomeismycastle · 21/09/2017 18:21

Fuck that!

Does he actually realise what a bell end he sounds? Hmm

You don't have to justify any actions or your relationship to his family, talk about intense.

Agree with the above poster saying he has probably done the same thing to his ex, you know never his fault, always someone else's Confused.

You can roll a shit in glitter, but it will still be a shit Hmm

WatchingFromTheWings · 21/09/2017 18:22

Sounds like he's created a persona for you to his family to justify his behaviour. I'd get shot of the lot of them.

kittybiscuits · 21/09/2017 18:24

I think I would keep it simple and just tell him to go fuck himself x

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 21/09/2017 18:29

He sounds like those crappy FB statuses which say "Most people will ignore this..."

Don't fall for it.

differentlife · 21/09/2017 18:38

I think I would keep it simple and just tell him to go fuck himself x

...sideways...

PerfectlyPooPoo · 21/09/2017 18:43

Perfect response Kitty. And I'd be extending that to the whole family.

Why do people get involved in these things, now it's always going to be awkward because you know what arseholes they all are.

GeekLove · 21/09/2017 18:53

I wouldn't care if he was the best bang since the big one no-one 's worth that shite .

I wonder if the getting back together is one big ego stroke for him?

Fekko · 21/09/2017 18:57

I would tell each and every one to piss off. But them I'm quite huffy. Your DH needs to listen to himself and back you up to the rest of his family.

As I remind my lot - I make all the food around here and I know where you sleep.

Original poster
GreenTomato3 · 21/09/2017 20:38

I did think, am I going mad? Did this really happen? But it did, and I have it written down as he emailed that to me.

It is bonkers isn't it? I was doubting myself.

I've no family near. I know that families often take sides in marital conflict but this is just crazy. I still can't work out what his sister meant, when she said that they were all 'distraught about what he's going through'. I haven't done anything!

Am seriously doubting the relationship. I moved to DHs area. We have two kids though. But that feeling... of being unable to even stick up for myself without being criticized.

OP posts: