DHs family are bitching about me, DH wants me to ask for their feedback!

[GreenTomato3]

Recently me and DH went through a rocky patch, and he probably moaned to his family. Well DH ended our relationship out if the blue, I was very upset, didn't want it to end. We have 2 kids, and two step kids one of the step kids was very resentful of me and one of the younger kids. It was fine at first but then I took each step child away with just me for a weekend to treat them, and I took the other child first. I don't think she forgave me, as from then on she was catty around me, and then didn't like her half brother. So much so I had to intervene as she was putting him down a lot. Anyway, she was 14 then and now is 21, but moved out. The other step child I get on well with, 23. Neither come round, I used to invite them a lot but they have weekend jobs, boyfriends, and just never bother. They see DH as he takes them out while I mind the smaller ones when they are free in the evenings.

I always supported DH with his family, his mother and two sisters. I felt that we got on well.

Now he's gone to them with his woes, but since we are trying to get back together. However, he says that his family are now really don't like me and I got a text from his sister saying the whole family are distraught at what he's going through. At first I couldn't really believe it. He'd ended it with me! We'd been getting on well! I was devasted.

They went on to say that I had alienated his kids, that I wanted to have DH to myself and just our kids. That they had spoken to my step kids and they'd said DH didn't ever invite them to our house and I wasn't very nice when they did. I can't believe they both said that, but I wasn't there!

So now I'm doubly devastated. I wrote back to his sister just to say we were having a rocky time and stirring up ill feeling wasn't helpful.

So I asked DH and said I felt very sad that his family seemed to have ganged up and bitched about me. I didn't know what to do but felt like I had been a reasonable and ok wife, step mother and sister in law.

He said I should reach out to every person individually and ask for their feedback. Then take this on as personal learnings. He said he doubted I would as I was highly defensive.

Am totally caught off guard. What is going on? Already feeling low about DH wanting to leave me. No reasons ever given except that I make him cross. About what? Nothing just minor things.

I'm not even sure what exactly his family are so angry about? That DH wanted to leave? That I didn't?

Or why I am to blame for my step daughters decisions? I've always invited them, even with the resentful I'm still nice while she scowls at me and my son.

Why do I need to ask for feedback but not allowed to say how I feel back? I feel like running back to my own area and starting again.

Sorry that just makes me think of Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan.

How about he listens to our feedback and gets personal learnings without trying to defend himself? It sounds like you and your kids are better off without all these idiots and their drama. What a load of wank.

So, given that he's fed them whatever version of events he's wanted to, and is now wanting you to listen to their berating of you without defending yourself, he is in fact asking you to take a load of shit off him by proxy.

'Personal learnings'? WTF? 😂 Is that office speak these days?

Hope your chat goes okay.

I hope you tell him to go fuck himself...

He finishes with you..You go on a date..It was toxic of you after he finished with you a month ago..

He has no responsibility for anything does he.

He also has no respect for you..He should be resolving the issue with his family. He should be trying to make things better.

He doesn't consider you good enough and will never treat you the way you deserve.

I have some personal learnings for him I could share...

Wrong thread entirely, sorry!

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He sounds like he needs a good, fat dose of personal learning via feedback from you. He is an abhorrent creature in that he wants you to make yourself available to his rotten family so that they can make you their "feedback" punchbag. What kind of sadistic mentality is that?

I'll say it again, in case you missed it, you are worth more than this. Don't allow yourself to be treated in this way. Please.

Lord, that sounds like he's asking you to submit to a fucking firing squad by poorly phrased corporate wank-speak.
And what is a personal learning when it's at home, and do you want one?

Wondering if the last thing he actually wants is for you to speak directly to his family (has he lied to them..?) Either way, get out.

Thank you all. commander theday spring damson time starlight and other. It did feel like I was being asked to humble myself in front of a firing squad and just be quiet while I was being shot!

I tried to have a chat last night, but he got furious and said I was a bully. He said because one time when I asked him to try being calmer putting our child to bed, as he'd usually come back 10 minutes before bedtime and got him really hyper and excited.. anyway I don't know why one incident in the last few months means I'm a bully. He got very defensive about talking to his family, said obviously I was toxic going on a date, that he couldn't be refereee in the middle all the time and not all of them could be evil witches out to get me, but that I was so defensive I'd never listen. He said the fact that I didn't sympathise was awful for him that his daughters didn't come round much, even though I was a barrier. He said look we are obviously not working out and tried to hug me.

I hardly got a word in, he just interrupted the whole time. I looked around and thought, everything in this house, the sofas, the pictures, all chosen by him. I live where it's convenient for his work. It's a lovely big house, but not chosen by me. With his family all nearby. My friends and family are miles away. Felt totally alienated. I told him we should separate and I wanted to be closer to people who cared about me. He refuses to move out.

Sorry OP. It sounds very difficult for you.

His family sound horrible..he sounds totally unsupportive of you.
Re his adult daughters - I can only say you are not the "barrier" but a convenient excuse...If they don't want to visit their father in your house there is milion other places they can see him and they can invite you to theirs.

Thanks whitecat. I think I've finally seen how little DH thinks of me. He has nothing positive to say about me and I feel like a scapegoat. He sees his daughters a lot, takes them for dinner and gives them lifts and I am fine staying in with the kids while he does. One stayed the weekend after he had finished with me, and ignored me and the kids but I made her her favourite dinner and asked how she was. I'm not a monster!

Feedback, personal learning? Ffs are you married to David Brent?
I'm sorry that you are going through this.
I don't really have much advice re repairing this and can't imagine counselling would be useful as he's already made you the scapegoat and appears to believe that there is nothing he needs to work on.
My only advice is get together all essential documents, birth certs, marriage certs, financial documents, an estimated income and expenditure for you and the kids and get seek legal advice about divorce asap.
Oh and stay away from his batshit family, you don't need contact with them, especially not their feedback based on his pathetic one-sided whinging. It will only upset you and you need a clear focused head on right now.
Good luck

I meant seek legal advice , have no idea where the extra get came from

Another one adding to the wtf consensus.
He is a disloyal wanker. Trying to engage with Brentian fuckwittery like that is pointless. Please don't do this to yourself. It will just cloud your thinking.
As for his truly dreadful family - ignore, ignore, ignore. You have tried, with great forbearance, to be conciliatory with them but it has merely fed them, plus they are his Greek chorus. Please don't pander to their nonsense. There's millions of them, all reinforcing each others' viewpoints - do you want to live your life continually on the defensive?

He sounds like he's shouting very clearly that he wants out but he wants you to be the villain and end it so he can cry to mummy and sis and blame you for all his wrong doings. I don't think you are escaping this without being the villain anyway so I would tell them all to go fuck themselves and hotfoot it back to your own family.

He has been disloyal in the past. He says he has always spoken well of me, but we had problems in our social scene, I felt insecure there were lots of acquaintances. several times people were surprised we were together and I started to feel a little paranoid, people talked to DH as if he were single.

Twice people said I must 'really like him' and were shocked when I said we were married. It felt like he has evading coming across like we were a couple in any way.

I'm sick of it.

No bloody wonder. He sounds like a complete headfuck.

Noodleninja put it perfectly.

I agree about not giving a hoot what the ils think of you. I spent years pandering to mine and they didn't think any better of me for doing so. Dh was/is a mummy's boy and shares practically everything with her, but she only hears his side. Stopped defending myself a few years ago and it's so liberating. Occasionally tell dh 'if I'm so bad, go back to your mum' - strangely he never does.

I do think what people think is very important to him, he is respected, great job, prided himself on parenting. His family still thinking he's brilliant and I'm terrible is giving him the confidence to finish our relationship with a clear conscience, as it he has the numbers to back him up.

Shame, I really did want our marriage to work.

Feedback? Learning experience? Ffs. I'll tell him and them to fuck off.