DHs family are bitching about me, DH wants me to ask for their feedback!

[GreenTomato3]

Recently me and DH went through a rocky patch, and he probably moaned to his family. Well DH ended our relationship out if the blue, I was very upset, didn't want it to end. We have 2 kids, and two step kids one of the step kids was very resentful of me and one of the younger kids. It was fine at first but then I took each step child away with just me for a weekend to treat them, and I took the other child first. I don't think she forgave me, as from then on she was catty around me, and then didn't like her half brother. So much so I had to intervene as she was putting him down a lot. Anyway, she was 14 then and now is 21, but moved out. The other step child I get on well with, 23. Neither come round, I used to invite them a lot but they have weekend jobs, boyfriends, and just never bother. They see DH as he takes them out while I mind the smaller ones when they are free in the evenings.

I always supported DH with his family, his mother and two sisters. I felt that we got on well.

Now he's gone to them with his woes, but since we are trying to get back together. However, he says that his family are now really don't like me and I got a text from his sister saying the whole family are distraught at what he's going through. At first I couldn't really believe it. He'd ended it with me! We'd been getting on well! I was devasted.

They went on to say that I had alienated his kids, that I wanted to have DH to myself and just our kids. That they had spoken to my step kids and they'd said DH didn't ever invite them to our house and I wasn't very nice when they did. I can't believe they both said that, but I wasn't there!

So now I'm doubly devastated. I wrote back to his sister just to say we were having a rocky time and stirring up ill feeling wasn't helpful.

So I asked DH and said I felt very sad that his family seemed to have ganged up and bitched about me. I didn't know what to do but felt like I had been a reasonable and ok wife, step mother and sister in law.

He said I should reach out to every person individually and ask for their feedback. Then take this on as personal learnings. He said he doubted I would as I was highly defensive.

Am totally caught off guard. What is going on? Already feeling low about DH wanting to leave me. No reasons ever given except that I make him cross. About what? Nothing just minor things.

I'm not even sure what exactly his family are so angry about? That DH wanted to leave? That I didn't?

Or why I am to blame for my step daughters decisions? I've always invited them, even with the resentful I'm still nice while she scowls at me and my son.

Why do I need to ask for feedback but not allowed to say how I feel back? I feel like running back to my own area and starting again.

Mediation might be a good idea once you know what your legal rights are and once you have a clearer picture of how you want your life to be. He will probably just try to manipulate the mediator though. If he does try to get you to discuss stuff, you can say "let's put that on the mediation list". Don't tell him what you are thinking, as someone said, don't give him advance warning.

Counselling foryou would probably be a great idea for a bit of neutral support and to help clear your head. You might be able and get some through his or your work if they have an eap.

Don't suggest anything, even mediation until you've seen the solicitor.

Right now you are all about suggesting compromises to please him - counselling, a mediator, backing down on his choice of sofa - and he is all about his way or the highway.

Until you are fully informed about your rights, he will just steamroller over you.

It's way too soon to start thinking about solutions right now. Start thinking about what you want, see the solicitor and work from there. At the moment your first thought still is how to make him happy.

That's it isn't, he isn't my friend and probably hasn't been one for a long time. The way he sees me... still shocked. To think so bloody little of me to want me to grovel to his family.

I was his wife, and still the mother of his kids. There's a ruthlessness that I just didn't see before.

Your being gaslighted by the whole family. Idiots

If he is going to continue to be nasty speak to Woman's Aid about moving away asap. He could apply for prohibitive steps order to stop you relocating!

If you need to move away to have support and that ends up being via a refuge I doubt a court would force you to move back. You need legal advice and fast.

Fraid so GreenTomato. You are still talking to him as if you are doing an amicable thing, for example having counselling together to work things out.

But he isn't amicable, he's not your friend. He would just use the whole thing to tell you the 100 ways you were wrong and why you shouldn't move away but live in the gutter outside his house, he should only give you 1p a week child support and you should be grateful. And you would end up agreeing with him.

Counselling would be a good idea - for you, on your own. Nowt to do with him and I wouldn't even tell him that you are going. It's nothing to do with him.

GreenTomato do you happen to know how his first marriage ended?

He wanted to leave his first wife, they married young. She wanted someone to provide, take charge, do everything, he wanted to feel needed. He said they were not suited. She never worked ever in her life, he was ultra generous in the split and now is quite bitter about that as she puts him down a lot to his children, but still demands he fixes things in the house. I find it a little weird but it's got less like this.

It was like the opposite of us, her family were around all the time, his wife chose everything in the house which he hated, she would shout at him if she didn't get her way. She did it with me if I didn't do what she wanted too! His family said she treated him like a doormat and they didn't know how he could put up with her family for so long.

I don't think you can assume that his version of events bears any resemblance to what actually happened.

I would assume the split was nothing like he said at all as well.

True, if she wasn't so prickly it would be good to ask her. I guess some of it fits, DH likes that feeling of being the one in charge, and his Ex was quite happy with that, didn't like to use a credit card for example DH was called when anything online needed paying for, years afterwards. I'm more self reliant, career etc.

True maryz there might be a lot more to it. Although DH always said they were just incompatible.

I wouldn't rule out another woman. He has form for an emotional affair. It would fit the sudden ending, the determination not to think of repairing us. I wonder if the reality is now hitting him.

I just feel totally done, this stupid family bitching and DP not treating me like he's really loved me for months. I don't want to get bogged down in their dramas, I used to be a relaxed happy person. I want to get out and start afresh.

How are you getting on green? Hope you are okay and have spoken to a solicitor.

Oh thanks so much for asking charlie

I've booked a solicitor however I haven't met up with him yet. I've also got a close family member who is a good lawyer, who I'm seeing in 2 weeks so I can get two opinions.

It's definitely over. I know it sounds weird but I've also been devastated and heart broken, I really wanted this to work. So I've taken some of the things he's emailed or texted, like the bit about his family, and pasted them on a doc. Whenever I waver I look at them, and it reminds me that he really doesn't think of me in a great way a lot of the time. I mean, asking to get personal learnings from angry members of his family, and me to not respond. What does that say about how he views me?

Not great. It keeps me strong. So does rereading this thread.

He's dragging his feet over separating still. Doesn't want me to move to my family. Doesn't want to leave this house. I know he'll be talking to family so no one is going to be reasonable about my needs! So I'm being tougher. He works very long hours so we hardly see each other. Haven't talked to my own family yet, will talk to my brother first, in a couple of weeks. Feel sad but just keeping my chin up and exercising a lot to keep busy. Thanks so much everyone. Future is terrifying but if I can move I can start again. Staying here in the town feels much scarier.

I'm going against the grain here I think the fact that three people are in agreement with your behaviour suggests to me that there maybe some truth and that his family might have observed similar behaviour to agree. It is possible to happen and many posters have discussed being pushed out by step parents however you only know and it's up to you how you handle the situation.. it's difficult for posters to have a true picture because we don't have the full facts here.

There aren't three people, apparently it's his whole family! I still don't know what is so awful that I'm supposed to have done. They said what DH is going through, but he ended it with me, and I've never been nasty, shouted, anything like that. Before then there was never a disagreement between us, and they all said they liked me.

One step daughter is fine, no problems. She has said I've made her Dad very happy, she's very supportive. The other step daughter, as I said, carried resentment against me and her younger half brother, ignored us point blank for months a few years ago, I tried to resolve, agreed with DH to back off so I have.

What is disturbing to me is that I'm not let respond to anything. DH felt I should ask his family for feedback. And not defend myself. Or not to say if I've been upset. I find their attacks pretty horrible and devastating, and this came from them during a time when I haven't even been in contact. So it must have been something DH said or my step daughter or both. Either way I'm in the dark.

Thanks maryz, I'm just concerned that it wouldn't be with agreement of Ex DH - as I'd have to take the kids out of schools? I'm desperate to go really. However my family are some distance away, I'd probably need to agree with solicitors?

Talk to your family OP
It makes it real. Protects you from minimising it yrslf, ykwim. Been there myself . I told nobody til days b4 i left but once id told them how awful he was to me 5hat protected me from ever min8mising it and being coerced in to forgiving him or more likely allowing a situation where he forgave me 0_0

I moved my kids school. It is a big change which isnt easy but it's worth the period of adjustment.

You are wise there tameago
I am going to see family soon and will tell them then. It's scary as it feels very real.

Just full of emotion today. ExDH looks really well, staying late every night at work, away many weekends. It's giving us space but he's dressing up much better for work. It makes me feel very small and pathetic. I'm struggling with feeling crap all the time.

I'm with Maryz. Check your legal position, go home for Christmas and don't come back. It's not reasonable to expect you to go on living in that town, alone and miserable, when you have support at home. You may have to do the travelling to enable him to have regular contact, but that's worth it for your mental health and escaping this bunch of unpleasant people who are constantly giving you the message that you can do nothing right.

Stop trying. Do what you need.