DHs family are bitching about me, DH wants me to ask for their feedback!

[GreenTomato3]

Recently me and DH went through a rocky patch, and he probably moaned to his family. Well DH ended our relationship out if the blue, I was very upset, didn't want it to end. We have 2 kids, and two step kids one of the step kids was very resentful of me and one of the younger kids. It was fine at first but then I took each step child away with just me for a weekend to treat them, and I took the other child first. I don't think she forgave me, as from then on she was catty around me, and then didn't like her half brother. So much so I had to intervene as she was putting him down a lot. Anyway, she was 14 then and now is 21, but moved out. The other step child I get on well with, 23. Neither come round, I used to invite them a lot but they have weekend jobs, boyfriends, and just never bother. They see DH as he takes them out while I mind the smaller ones when they are free in the evenings.

I always supported DH with his family, his mother and two sisters. I felt that we got on well.

Now he's gone to them with his woes, but since we are trying to get back together. However, he says that his family are now really don't like me and I got a text from his sister saying the whole family are distraught at what he's going through. At first I couldn't really believe it. He'd ended it with me! We'd been getting on well! I was devasted.

They went on to say that I had alienated his kids, that I wanted to have DH to myself and just our kids. That they had spoken to my step kids and they'd said DH didn't ever invite them to our house and I wasn't very nice when they did. I can't believe they both said that, but I wasn't there!

So now I'm doubly devastated. I wrote back to his sister just to say we were having a rocky time and stirring up ill feeling wasn't helpful.

So I asked DH and said I felt very sad that his family seemed to have ganged up and bitched about me. I didn't know what to do but felt like I had been a reasonable and ok wife, step mother and sister in law.

He said I should reach out to every person individually and ask for their feedback. Then take this on as personal learnings. He said he doubted I would as I was highly defensive.

Am totally caught off guard. What is going on? Already feeling low about DH wanting to leave me. No reasons ever given except that I make him cross. About what? Nothing just minor things.

I'm not even sure what exactly his family are so angry about? That DH wanted to leave? That I didn't?

Or why I am to blame for my step daughters decisions? I've always invited them, even with the resentful I'm still nice while she scowls at me and my son.

Why do I need to ask for feedback but not allowed to say how I feel back? I feel like running back to my own area and starting again.

I would, not I'll.

I think you will learn an awful lot more in the next few days.

I second the comments..Get legal advice..GEt hold of copies of any financial documents you can.

This is not someone who is going to give you a fair deal.

I think it is worthy of doing the freedom program...I think you will realise this relationship is a lot more emotionally abusive than you ever realised

If he's refusing to move out, take that as a good thing. Sounds like you wouldn't feel at home in that place anyway.

Time to find a place of your own and really make it your own. Time to find your own friends, fill your life with people who value you.

It's not easy starting again, but I found that the space to breathe and think and the strange, wonderful feeling of independence kept me going (floating on air a lot of the time) until I got that support network properly established.

Just imagine the peace and the freedom of not having to wrestle with all his judgements!

He sounds truly awful and you need to leave him asap ! Take the kids and make him see you are serious and not gunna take all his crap ! His family are toxic and he has fed them a bunch of lies about you . Can you stay with your parents or a friend for few days till you get sorted with a rental property ?

All my friends and family are miles away, however I contacted a few friends and all said they'd put us up if need be. I don't want to impinge but it was nice just to know I do have people out there who care and like me.

I told DH that I wanted to move back with friends and family, in X months while I sort out schools etc. They live 100 miles away. He got cross and insisted that I was not the only one to decide this. I am the main carer, sahm and DH works long hours. I think he wants us out but renting a flat nearby.

Sounds like a good time to think about what you want to do, where you want to be, where you will be best supported, and where you think will be best for your children.

Tbh, if he's happy for you all to move out into somewhere rented and he keeps the house, that's not seeing him in a good light, and he's hardly stood in bright sunshine at the moment.

He definitely wants to keep the house. He's not moving. God this is crap, I think I've spent so long trying to keep our marriage going. He's always been the more ambivalent one. Now it sucks. Jesus, feedback. Kicked while I'm down!

The best part about splitting is that you don't have to try to make someone like this happy. Say if you have to move out of the house you will of course Move to your supportive family. You've heard what his family thinks of you after all. His choice which one you do :)

Jesus Christ! Feedback? Is that a joke?
He needs to have your back, my husband (who doesn't particularly like his family anyway), would (and should) take my side over theirs and defend me till the cows come home. No, he's being totally out of order...more than his family.

It won't be his choice as to whether he moves out. Get yourself a good lawyer.

Yes need to get a lawyer.

Am questioning what I'm doing here anyway, away from my support. I compromised too much for DH. I really thought we'd have a good life, thought we'd have friends, his family seemed nice. So much can change!

I'm sorry this is happening but glad the scales are falling.
Definitely move back to you support network.
Call a few solicitors tomorrow and get the ball rolling.

A day late and a dollar short but the only feedback needs to come from you along the lines of fuck off and keep your beaks out.

He will continue to try to manipulate you throughout this process. Try to prepare some phrases to shut him down if he starts. "I don't want to discuss practicalities until I've had more time to think". "I'm not interested in you teling me what others think of me". "Please don't resort to name-calling". Repeat, repeat, repeat. Don't agree to anything that you haven't discussed with a professional, and preferably don't agree without a professional present.

Try getting some space for yourself by arranging to take your DC to stay with people you trust at weekends, half-term etc. Basically try to spend as little time in his company as possible while you're still living under the same roof.

And gather all the practical info you need, as mentioned above. Don't expect him to be remotely helpful or trustworthy.

You don't owe him anything.

Good luck.

Please get some legal advice. I think it is important that you are near your friends and family for support. You will have a battle from him but I see no reason why it shouldn't go in your favour..good luck OP! Be strong 💪🏻💪🏻💪🏻

I think he wants us out but renting a flat nearby. - he doesn't get a say in where you live once you are divorced.

Get legal advice. I think he'll find that a shock; it will not all go his way!

Be prepared for him to backtrack wildly once he realises that you are no longer his punchbag, and he might even lose his kids to 100 miles away.

I know, dreading it tbh. He can't have it all ways though, the house, everyone on his side and angry with me, and me trying to bring up the kids alienated. We live in a very small town, and everyone knows and thinks well of them.

I've been upfront that moving away is what I want, I hope I haven't just given him more ammunition. There must be some care left for me, I hope, I don't want a lot if animosity. I'd trade finances just to be able to move near support and get me and the children in a healthier place. I feel like I've totally lost who I am.

You v much need a lawyer.

Reading your thread - the house, the location, even the soft furnishings is all about him. So I get that moving out and back home would be a good option for you. He can't stop you.

However you are also married. He doesn't just get to say 'I keep the house'. He has a responsibility to make sure his children with you are housed until 18. You have financial interest in the house.

He sounds a complete headfuck who is busy setting you up to be 'the bitch who bled him dry and stopped him from seeing the kids' - instead of seeing that he had responsibilities here too and he should be making a bloody effort.

Go back home where you are loved but don't let him off the hook or gaslight you along the way. Stop telling him your plans, he isn't your friend.

Lawyer on Monday and photocopy everything.

Tell him that using the term "reach out" when he means "talk to" makes him a total plonker, even before you get on to the other nonsense.

Bloody hell! I'm glad you posted here!

He is having a laugh. He let you down. And now he wants you vulnerable enough to invite criticism, from various members of his family that he's disloyally moaned about you to.

Having. a. laugh.

Agree, go back home. Don't stay near his family, flagellating yourself for decades for 'sins' that you don't even understand.

My x and his family were like this. Totally demonised me. If they could interpret something I did with good intent or bad intent, they always always attributed bad intent. To my every move. I felt up in the dock. After I left him he tried to be my landlord. We weren't married and he made a deal that sounded benevolent. He would put us up in flat but he would have had me at his mercy continually, threatening to stop paying the rent. Glad I did not go for that 'deal'.

useful post from emerelda

Wish i'd had those stock phrases to hand a decade ago! I lost my mind defending myself constantly. Why I needed to defend myself constantly is a mystery, I'd done nothing wrong!

Yes he accused me recently of being controlling and toxic. It's very confusing. We get on well, no arguments, for weeks, even though he never wants to go out with me, then I say something he doesn't like and he piles on that I'm awful. He once had a huge argument with me because I suggest an L shaped sofa and he didn't want it. It wasn't that important, so I backed down. The house, everything, was chosen by him. I do the garden, he has no interest in that. He's made an effort recently and let me choose the colour of the outside. It seemed a positive move. Then 2 weeks later he ended it.

I think he is quite angry about me moving with the kids. I suggested counseling to talk, but maybe mediation would be better.

Don't trade finances for anything!

He'll say one thing to you to make you agree to what he wants, he'll tell everyone a different version, and do something entirely different. Do not negotiate with him directly. Do not agree anything. Find a way of saying "I don't want to discuss practicalities right now" and repeat. Use trusted friends and family as a sounding board, not him. Paint a picture of the life you want. Do not tell him anything. If he makes you an offer of any kind, tell him to email it to you so that you can come back to it when you're ready. Don't trust him, basically.