DHs family are bitching about me, DH wants me to ask for their feedback!

[GreenTomato3]

Recently me and DH went through a rocky patch, and he probably moaned to his family. Well DH ended our relationship out if the blue, I was very upset, didn't want it to end. We have 2 kids, and two step kids one of the step kids was very resentful of me and one of the younger kids. It was fine at first but then I took each step child away with just me for a weekend to treat them, and I took the other child first. I don't think she forgave me, as from then on she was catty around me, and then didn't like her half brother. So much so I had to intervene as she was putting him down a lot. Anyway, she was 14 then and now is 21, but moved out. The other step child I get on well with, 23. Neither come round, I used to invite them a lot but they have weekend jobs, boyfriends, and just never bother. They see DH as he takes them out while I mind the smaller ones when they are free in the evenings.

I always supported DH with his family, his mother and two sisters. I felt that we got on well.

Now he's gone to them with his woes, but since we are trying to get back together. However, he says that his family are now really don't like me and I got a text from his sister saying the whole family are distraught at what he's going through. At first I couldn't really believe it. He'd ended it with me! We'd been getting on well! I was devasted.

They went on to say that I had alienated his kids, that I wanted to have DH to myself and just our kids. That they had spoken to my step kids and they'd said DH didn't ever invite them to our house and I wasn't very nice when they did. I can't believe they both said that, but I wasn't there!

So now I'm doubly devastated. I wrote back to his sister just to say we were having a rocky time and stirring up ill feeling wasn't helpful.

So I asked DH and said I felt very sad that his family seemed to have ganged up and bitched about me. I didn't know what to do but felt like I had been a reasonable and ok wife, step mother and sister in law.

He said I should reach out to every person individually and ask for their feedback. Then take this on as personal learnings. He said he doubted I would as I was highly defensive.

Am totally caught off guard. What is going on? Already feeling low about DH wanting to leave me. No reasons ever given except that I make him cross. About what? Nothing just minor things.

I'm not even sure what exactly his family are so angry about? That DH wanted to leave? That I didn't?

Or why I am to blame for my step daughters decisions? I've always invited them, even with the resentful I'm still nice while she scowls at me and my son.

Why do I need to ask for feedback but not allowed to say how I feel back? I feel like running back to my own area and starting again.

i am probably adding 2 + 2 and getting 17, but i reckon he's told his family YOU'VE had an affair, meanwhile he's the one.

sorry you're going through this. you're doing brilliantly.

From reading your posts, it sounds as if he is a total narcissist. Stop waiting & start doing. It is not your fault & nothing you have done that makes him treat you like cast off goods. In his mind, you are. You have been targeted, alienated and humiliated. His work is done

Start living the life you imagine. You sound lovely and caring, your family will be thrilled you are going back to them and your children will be pleased to have proper family around them too.
Imagine your own place, your friends, your activities and how lovely it will be. You deserve it!

He has reacted to anything I've done as if I'd done something much worse. He reacted to my one date, that I'd only spent 2 hours with, after he'd ended our relationship, as if I'd had an affair.

However he did meet up an Ex, flirted, and told her he didn't love me, while we were together. In secret. That was the first time I realized his version of his we were did not match how he behaved with me.

I'm in a dilemma about moving, I thought about staying the school year, but Christmas sounds much better. He's set up counseling to discuss how to separate, I agreed before so I feel like I should go for a few sessions.

That's a good idea Maryz. I am actually dying to know what the hell she thinks I've done! What have I got to lose...

I am actually really curious!
Although also a) feel a bit strange doing it and b) she isn't that likely to respond but to phone DH
But c) I am really curious! I'd definitely use your wording Maryz....

OP of course you're curious but you don't have distance from this and anything unkind they say is going to be very hurtful and damage your confidence still further.

Why put yourself through it? Why take on board more hurt, negativity and damage? These people are batty. They're not worth bothering with, just get away from them, they're welcome to him.

channel Mae West.

Tell your H that what is family think of you is none of your business. Nothing takes away their power like the knowledge that you don't need their approval.

True! I'm beginning to feel like that, that I just don't care anymore. I had invested in all of them, it's what you do, I'm mother to their nephew/half brother/grandchild. However I don't think they can care that much. I often think they don't see me at all, only ever comment that our son, is 'so much like DH'. Never ask how I am.

Still curious though! If only I could find out without asking! But you are right I'd probably just get upset. People's views matter to me. I've never been this disliked however in my life!

Dear OP - the problem is, you know him for what he is. If you had credence with his family then his fear would be that his real persona would be revealed. So, by making you out to be nasty, toxic, controlling etc and blowing up minor incidents into ‘issues’ you then become the bitter ex (in their eyes).
Much better to maintain a dignified silence, find a place to live amongst people who know you & your true worth and begin to move on. It will take a while, but once the hurt & confusion & the seemingly unfairness begins to lift, you will realise that you have escaped.
Ask me how I know

Thanks chicken did you have similar?

I've been thinking about ExDH and his family and realizing that although we've got on over the years. They don't value me, I've been seriously downgraded. I've just heard from DH that they are totally backing him to keep hold of the house. It's like they've forgotten I'm a human being.

It is intriguing to wonder what has been said, but I think it's wise not to ask. As a PP said, you're so enmeshed with their lives at the moment. There will come a day when you will be totally unaware of any unpleasant conversations they may have been having. That's something to look forward to, because although it's natural to want to be liked, some people are judgemental. And it's good to be able to dismiss their opinions as not worth your time. You're getting a headstart on the mindset by holding back from asking them what's been said.

Oh, and whatever they think, half of the value of the house should be yours. (Disclaimer: seek legal advice!) So shrug your shoulders at their inhumanity and leave it to your solicitor.

Thanks Charlotte. Thinking about it I do think I am too fragile to get the mobs judgements. Especially as there is no point to it but to beat me down. If there was a problem but they were at all invested in a relationship with me, then I would hear them out if it helped to repair something of value. But it isn't.

I was in an awful relationship with a narcissist for six years before the pennies cascaded to the ground. He tried the same trick on me - so & so told me they don’t like you etc Total lie as it turned out.
His family are being given his best side at the moment, encouraging him as they are ‘supporting’ him - ie getting all the details and he is getting all the attention he craves by being ‘poor me’. Wait till you are not in the picture at all and the entitlement begins....
In the meantime, take the first step - see solicitor. Experience how good it feels to have someone take you seriously as an adult and use that feeling to progress. Let his family say what they like - shrug, headtilt, walk off. Look up grey rock.
Be strong - life is short - live it happy!

I think you've made a mistake in telling him your plans, now that you have you need to move FAST before he can put spanners in the works! And he will, he is showing you who he is and you're still not seeing it if you think he won't block you from taking the kids with you to live near your family!

This counselling he says he set up, are you sure it's not actually mediation he has booked? Because if this gets to a custody thing and he offered mediation and you refused that makes you look like the unreasonable one and puts him in a strong position.

Find the strength to move FAST. Book legal advice within a week and make moving arrangements asap

He's saying he misses me. We've avoided each other.

I don't think he sees any of this, the asking me to get feedback, the ambivalence, the going out without me, for what it is, or how harmful it is. He just says, oh we just don't get on, or I don't know why my family all feel that way, he genuinely doesn't get it.

Thanks chicken and tinsel. Sorry you had to be with a narcissist for so long, I can sympathize. My Ex is so confusing, he can be so nice, but I do think he feels he's better than me, that I never come up to scratch. Whenever we go out together it's like he's restless and I feel like a burden. In fact I feel like that most of the time.

Must get that solicitor appointment moved closer. And yes must carry on living my life! It is short and I won't waste it.