DHs family are bitching about me, DH wants me to ask for their feedback!

[GreenTomato3]

Recently me and DH went through a rocky patch, and he probably moaned to his family. Well DH ended our relationship out if the blue, I was very upset, didn't want it to end. We have 2 kids, and two step kids one of the step kids was very resentful of me and one of the younger kids. It was fine at first but then I took each step child away with just me for a weekend to treat them, and I took the other child first. I don't think she forgave me, as from then on she was catty around me, and then didn't like her half brother. So much so I had to intervene as she was putting him down a lot. Anyway, she was 14 then and now is 21, but moved out. The other step child I get on well with, 23. Neither come round, I used to invite them a lot but they have weekend jobs, boyfriends, and just never bother. They see DH as he takes them out while I mind the smaller ones when they are free in the evenings.

I always supported DH with his family, his mother and two sisters. I felt that we got on well.

Now he's gone to them with his woes, but since we are trying to get back together. However, he says that his family are now really don't like me and I got a text from his sister saying the whole family are distraught at what he's going through. At first I couldn't really believe it. He'd ended it with me! We'd been getting on well! I was devasted.

They went on to say that I had alienated his kids, that I wanted to have DH to myself and just our kids. That they had spoken to my step kids and they'd said DH didn't ever invite them to our house and I wasn't very nice when they did. I can't believe they both said that, but I wasn't there!

So now I'm doubly devastated. I wrote back to his sister just to say we were having a rocky time and stirring up ill feeling wasn't helpful.

So I asked DH and said I felt very sad that his family seemed to have ganged up and bitched about me. I didn't know what to do but felt like I had been a reasonable and ok wife, step mother and sister in law.

He said I should reach out to every person individually and ask for their feedback. Then take this on as personal learnings. He said he doubted I would as I was highly defensive.

Am totally caught off guard. What is going on? Already feeling low about DH wanting to leave me. No reasons ever given except that I make him cross. About what? Nothing just minor things.

I'm not even sure what exactly his family are so angry about? That DH wanted to leave? That I didn't?

Or why I am to blame for my step daughters decisions? I've always invited them, even with the resentful I'm still nice while she scowls at me and my son.

Why do I need to ask for feedback but not allowed to say how I feel back? I feel like running back to my own area and starting again.

Please do end it! Email someone and ask what they think is going on (”what he's going through”), because it's all caught you by surprise. Maybe he's spun them a yarn. Whatever he truth, he is NOT WORTH KEEPING!

Wow, just wow I have no words. I'm not surprised you're upset, it sounds like his family are like a pack of wolves, egged on by him.

I'd be having a serious think about what you want out of the relationship and I certainly wouldn't be going to the BBQ

Text her back asking "exactly what is DH going through because from where you sat, he was the one who walked out on your family with no explanation!"

Stuff her! grow a backbone, how dare she be angry - YOURE THE ONE WHO HAS EVERY RIGHT TO BE ANGRY - and remember that!!!!!

He sounds completely deranged in his, expectation of you to write to each individual family member, then beg for forgiveness ask for feedback, then taje this onboard as "personal learning"

Is he mad?! He painted you in a very bad light, bitched about you and now wants YOU to undo the damage

Run a mile from this man and his family.

and as a side note - as it stands you dont want to be in his families company so rubbing them up the wrong way to get to the truth is nothing!

and you dont have to have a relationship with his GOWN UP DAUGHTERS but he does - who gives a fuck what they and the rest of his family think

Sorry i can't help it, they are very rude and you don't need to take it!

When I asked before he said that it was his sister who'd gone off her own back to talk to my step daughters, to ask them why they don't visit. I think that's part of it as one blamed me and also DH for not inviting them enough. I actually did often invite them. But I can't see what other reasons, DH said that's what families do, stick up for their son/brother. He said he's had to defend me to them a lot. About what?

He is vague. Cited that I'd got flustered and upset about my mum visiting, DH had just ended things and I decided not to tell her yet, didn't want to upset her, she rarely visits. DP berated me for not being honest with her. I did also go on a date. Not proud of myself, but DH had ended things and would not discuss it. After a month a friend suggested I went on a date. I did, DH babysitted. I came back early and asked DH if we could work things out. I said I wanted the father of my children as my husband. Anyway, he seemed to think it was toxic of me to do that. But we were finished!

Do not believe a word he says. Sorry. He's manipulating this. Unless of course you are indeed the step mother from hell, but you don't sound like it!
You sound like someone who is tying themselves into a pretzel to please, doing the 'pick me' dance.
He sounds like a nasty backstabbing control freak.

Thanks look I did have a relationship with them, I cared for one as my own for years as she lived with us. I was gutted that she turned against me and my son and really hoped to repair it, but everyone agreed I should back off so I have. The other one sends me sweet texts.

mayrz and thereal and bluedog good advice thanks. I wish I could get DH to read this thread but he wouldn't. I've texted and said we need a serious chat tonight. I think I do want to separate. There hasn't been anything in it for me for a long time, and this alienation is not going to magically disappear.

It sounds like you're starting to realize just who he is. Your last sentence speaks volumes. Relationships aren't supposed to be this hard and one person alone can't save a marriage. It's the hardest thing to do to make that decision but if you're consistently unhappy and you're being met with a brick wall sometimes its the only choice. Throw in the fact that he seems to have been throwing you under the bus with regards to the relationship split and his family and you can see where you come on his priority list. The lack of respect is staggering, no one in their right mind would expect a partner to go to their family and leave themselves open to criticism and character assassination. Time to start protecting yourself, you and your children come first. Stop expecting him to be reasonable because he's proving here that he can't be. Start detaching from him, it does get easier and life without that constant criticism and judgement is so much better. I'm two years down the line now and I can assure you there is light at the end of that tunnel.

Everything they say is as a result of what he tells them about you.

His sister just verbalised it, because you've been getting bashed by him.

Don't go to the bbq and don't be with a man behaves that way.

Unless and until he realises his errors....there's nothing to salvage.

No. Nothing something I would entertain at all. His family doesn't need to like you, you married him not them!

Living with the enemy is a terrible thing. Your husband is at the heart of these problems - completely manipulative and untrustworthy. What a great game he has going.

I would echo Maryz. Look after yourself and your children.

If anyone from his family makes a comment repeat calmly that he left you.

Why are you wasting your time and energy on this family? They sound a poisonous lot, but the root of the problem is your husband. I cannot understand why you would want to be with someone that continually treats you with such blatant disdain and utter disregard for your feelings. Who does he think he's speaking to when he talks about getting feedback? This guy left you and your children without even an explanation - please, my love, you are worth so SO much more than this.

Only if we can give him feedback

Right, you need to be prepared for your Talk this evening. If you think you want a separation, then that is what you want to say. Call it a trial separation, if you think that's easier to say. Think a minimum of three months, but don't be drawn into specifics.

My worry is that once you start to talk of leaving, he'll do his usual headfuck and by the end of the conversation you'll be confused again and have no clue what your really think. That's why you need time away from him. That's why you need to be clear in your mind what you're going to say so you can play a broken record: "I want a separation. I want a separation." End the conversation if it is going round in circles.

And good luck.

My guess - it was the date. Hes told them about that, but not that he'd broken up with you at that point.

I'd just like to add to the consensus of Fuck That Shit. I mean, feedback??? He sounds like he has little respect for you and doesn't even really like you. I wouldn't do that to someone I liked.

Though I have to counter that by saying you sound nice, and deserve to have someone actually tell you that.

OP please DO NOT entertain any of the insulting shit this man is feeding you. Get feedback from his nest of vipers family?! That is literally one of the most deranged things I've ever read on here. Who the fuck does he think he is?

You need to quit worrying what this bunch of fucktards think and ditch them all including him. Because he is as bad as them. You know that, right?

Imagine a happy life with someone who values you, where you don't have any of this crap to deal with... and move towards that.

Stay strong. Stay tough!

Thanks I've made a list of what I want to say. He's just finishing putting the kids to bed and then we will talk. I did once find out he'd got in contact with an ex gf, it wasn't at the stage of an affair, just exchanges of texts, but he did tell her he wasn't in love with me which absolutely devastated me. Took me a while to trust him again.

At the risk of outing myself, as it was in an email, these are his exact words about his family. And just to be clear, I've never argued or fallen out with them, I hadn't seen them in a while. Also my step sister died and only his mum mentioned it. His family even refused to look after our dog when we went to the funeral.
I would ask you to reach out to all of them and ask them how they feel about you and why they feel whatever they do but I would worry you wouldn't be able to do so without zealously responding to all feedback and unceasingly defending your position instead of listening to their feedback and seeing if there are any personal learnings.