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Original poster

DHs family are bitching about me, DH wants me to ask for their feedback!

172 replies

GreenTomato3 · 21/09/2017 15:58

Recently me and DH went through a rocky patch, and he probably moaned to his family. Well DH ended our relationship out if the blue, I was very upset, didn't want it to end. We have 2 kids, and two step kids one of the step kids was very resentful of me and one of the younger kids. It was fine at first but then I took each step child away with just me for a weekend to treat them, and I took the other child first. I don't think she forgave me, as from then on she was catty around me, and then didn't like her half brother. So much so I had to intervene as she was putting him down a lot. Anyway, she was 14 then and now is 21, but moved out. The other step child I get on well with, 23. Neither come round, I used to invite them a lot but they have weekend jobs, boyfriends, and just never bother. They see DH as he takes them out while I mind the smaller ones when they are free in the evenings.

I always supported DH with his family, his mother and two sisters. I felt that we got on well.

Now he's gone to them with his woes, but since we are trying to get back together. However, he says that his family are now really don't like me and I got a text from his sister saying the whole family are distraught at what he's going through. At first I couldn't really believe it. He'd ended it with me! We'd been getting on well! I was devasted.

They went on to say that I had alienated his kids, that I wanted to have DH to myself and just our kids. That they had spoken to my step kids and they'd said DH didn't ever invite them to our house and I wasn't very nice when they did. I can't believe they both said that, but I wasn't there!

So now I'm doubly devastated. I wrote back to his sister just to say we were having a rocky time and stirring up ill feeling wasn't helpful.

So I asked DH and said I felt very sad that his family seemed to have ganged up and bitched about me. I didn't know what to do but felt like I had been a reasonable and ok wife, step mother and sister in law.

He said I should reach out to every person individually and ask for their feedback. Then take this on as personal learnings. He said he doubted I would as I was highly defensive.

Am totally caught off guard. What is going on? Already feeling low about DH wanting to leave me. No reasons ever given except that I make him cross. About what? Nothing just minor things.

I'm not even sure what exactly his family are so angry about? That DH wanted to leave? That I didn't?

Or why I am to blame for my step daughters decisions? I've always invited them, even with the resentful I'm still nice while she scowls at me and my son.

Why do I need to ask for feedback but not allowed to say how I feel back? I feel like running back to my own area and starting again.

OP posts:
Angelf1sh · 21/09/2017 21:16

Wait...what? Feedback? WTAF? That is the most ridiculous thing I've heard this year! Who tells their wife they need to take feedback? I'll join the others in suggesting you provide your own feedback - that he needs to fuck off.

Fishface77 · 21/09/2017 21:20

Tell him to FUCK OF and take his bastard family with him.

WhoWants2Know · 21/09/2017 21:30

What he's going through? WTF did he tell them? This is his mess, and no reason you should be trying to ingratiate them after he's obviously slagged you off to them.

If anything, doesn't it make you reconsider whether you still want to be with him?

SandyY2K · 21/09/2017 21:31

This is all on him. He's slagged you off to them.

My response to his sister would have been either silence or she's only heard one side of the story , so it's rather unfair of her to say this to you.

Are you getting back with him? If so, I don't think it's wise at present.

Daisymay2 · 21/09/2017 21:32

No need to listen any feed back from his family about your relationship with him.
If you do consider someone from outside can help then go for counselling. Tell the SIL that you are the one who is devestated and entitled to be.
Then tell him to grow up, stop tittle tattling to his family and either shape up or get out. And move nearer those who can support you

Escapepeas · 21/09/2017 21:35

Hahahahahaha! Feedback. Why not get you all to do a 360 review. Utterly ridiculous.

littlebird7 · 21/09/2017 21:48

I think it is your time to deliver some of your own ' feedback' on his performance and marriage trackers record and his toxic manipulative family.
Unbeknown to you, you are caught up in some hideous power play where there is only one loser...you.
The only thing you can do is remove yourself and your children quietly but resolutely. If you gage any family and friends anywhere link up with them for support. Otherwise time to be independent - start again, a new life, new friends and a respectful and loving life awaits you.

littlebird7 · 21/09/2017 21:49

Gage - have

scootinFun · 21/09/2017 21:56

The distraught line suggests he's been lying to them. LTB.

mineofuselessinformation · 21/09/2017 22:01

Tell him you'd like to give his family some feedback on his behaviour first, and see how that goes down.....
Cheeky bastard!
He's telling you that you can only be with him if his family approves. Sod that.

Original poster
GreenTomato3 · 21/09/2017 22:25

I was totally devastated that he wanted to end it, and I wanted to make it work. However this has totally thrown me. When I got to text from his sister I cried my eyes out, I'm afraid to say. And when DH said I should get feedback I have been, what?!

It's like I'm suddenly the target for a pack of dogs! And DH wants me to take personal learnings from it? I am questioning being able to stay. Why would I want to be around people who dislike me and don't even want to know how I feel?

OP posts:
plominoagain · 21/09/2017 22:39

I think actually that you should inform him that , having taken a helicopter view of his blue sky thinking , that you have had an ideas shower , got all your ducks in a row , and have made a decision to get rid of the low hanging fruit in your relationship (him) .

Or to paraphrase , tell him and his group of critics , to get fucked .

Original poster
GreenTomato3 · 21/09/2017 22:45

Plomino even though I am totally gutted, your post (and others ) made me laugh for the first in weeks! Thank you.

OP posts:
ladyyyglittersparkles · 21/09/2017 23:00

What the fuck?
Tell him to grow the fuck up and to be quite honest you want feedback from his family regarding the fact you think they are a bunch of cunts 😁

Onecutefox · 21/09/2017 23:00

Oh, poor you. They're all not nice people but the most horrible is your husband. He has made his family against you by moaning to them about you. I would tell him to stick the feedback up his bottom and leave him.

Poshtottykins · 22/09/2017 07:29

I'm going to use the word abusive here - this is a way to drag you down and abuse you - to make you take all the blame and in all honest to future proof your submissiveness to any behaviour he chooses to throw at you.

Original poster
GreenTomato3 · 22/09/2017 13:35

It does make me feel really rubbish. And totally alone. I don't want to visit his family anymore. He asked me to a BBQ at his sisters this weekend. When I said I'm not sure, she wasn't that nice about me, he just said come on, you've got to get over it.

Really not sure about anything anymore.

OP posts:
bettybiggestballs · 22/09/2017 14:29

Urgghh, i love how he's informed you that you need to get over it, what an arsehole. How are you feeling? doe you feel strong enough to say no and pull him up on his behaviour?

Original poster
GreenTomato3 · 22/09/2017 14:35

It all knocked me for six. I don't really fall out with people. I like to avoid things. I'm going to talk to DH tonight. He's been distant on and off, quite often an unavailable type through our marriage.

I also texted his sister just now, after reading the posts above, and said I'm not sure why she thought that of me, but I didn't think stirring up I'll feeling was helpful when me and DH are trying to work things out.

OP posts:
CuppaTeaAndAJammieDodger · 22/09/2017 14:39

So he's basically telling you that you have to go for an individual appraisal with each of his family.

Fuck that.

Call his bluff, tell him that him and his family have alienated and hurt you to the extent that you can no longer see a future with him.

hellsbellsmelons · 22/09/2017 14:43

Wow - this is shocking.
Could you go back to your family this weekend and take some time away from him, his lies and his toxic family?
You need some space.
Go get some and think things through.

Then take this on as personal learnings
I'd have told him to get to fuck right there and then.

Original poster
GreenTomato3 · 22/09/2017 14:52

I've just got a nasty text back off his sister saying how dare I single her out, that the whole family feel very upset about DH and what he's going through, and to never, ever contact her in that way again.

Feel even more upset. She's phoned DH. I feel like they are talking about.me. He contacted me to say he knows I'm upset but that I shouldn't have texted her at work and that wasn't a good thing to do.

I feel like ending it with DH.

OP posts:
sourgrapes28 · 22/09/2017 15:03

I would tell him it's over! Being treated like this is the worst of the worst, I'd also text the sister and ask exactly what it is he's ment to be going through seen as they are all so angry ( you will probably then find out his side of the story is lies ). Imagine being free of all this shit! Start making it happen, stick up for yourself and tell him you will not be bullied and as of now you and dc are no contact with his family (unless he has the kids). He is a disgrace.Flowers

Trampire · 22/09/2017 15:29

Omg. End this as soon as you can. It's beyond nasty (from him and his family).

If you go back now he'll think he can control you.

Anecdoche · 22/09/2017 15:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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