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Original poster

3 sharing a room? Right or wrong?

204 replies

SnowLeopard6 · 21/09/2017 14:39

So, my gf and I are about to all live together. Her 3 children, and my 2. Into my house. We are planning to have an extension built. But in the meantime we are going to have to squeeze in.

My concern is this:
The youngest 3 are going to have to share a room. My 8yr boy, and 5yr daughter, and my gf's 8yr old son.

The room is currently my sons. My daughter will be giving up her room for my gf's teenage daughter. My children stay 2 nights a week and every other wknd. Gf's son will be in the room most of the time apart from every other wknd at his dads.

So every other wknd they will all be in the room, and 2 nights during the week. Rest of the time it'll just be my gf's son.

This is the current plan anyway - I'm not sure I'm comfortable about it. In reality the extension will be a year away, we having had drawings done yet, nevermind the build process.

Is it fair on them to share? Is it reasonable? Feel worried that my children will feel like it's not their home anymore. Like they are just coming to stay in someone elses bedroom. It will be my gf's sons bedroom most of the time. I can't imagaine this will be very nice for them. Equally I appreciate my gf's children will no longer be in their home so strange for them too.

Please share your thoughts on this. Good and bad. Can't quite see the wood through the trees if you know what I mean. Am I over thinking this?

OP posts:
paxillin · 22/09/2017 13:19

The only unusual thing about this thread is it is usually the step-parent of a dysfunctional blended family who suggests so unfair and hurtful a setup, not the parent.

I agree the DC's mum would go ballistic and try her utmost to prevent them coming too often, and she would soon be backed up by the children.

existentialmoment · 22/09/2017 14:30

Nobody's is taking anyone's bedroom, they are just sharing. Which is perfectly normal. The snobby, entitled attitudes to room sharing in this thread are awful

Nonsense. Sibling who live together sharing rooms is normal. Having a room at your dads house one day and the next someone elses kid living in it full time while you turn into a guest is not normal.

And it's neither snobby or entitled to say that its not ok.

You can't treat children like that and expect them to just fit into your new life as you want them to.

Lovemusic33 · 22/09/2017 14:36

Big don't you think OP has already thought of things like 'moving to another house' or 'renting'?

OP has explained that in order to build the extension the other house has to be sold (to afford it), if they then have to rent another property they are going to be chucking money away that needs to be used for the extension?? If they sell both houses they will have to wait until both are sold, one might sell straight away and the other might take months/years so then what do they do??

Merging families is hard and it rarely does work, theirs bound to be a few problems with kids sharing when they are used to their own space but unless you give it a try you don't know.

I think the best option is that OP gives up their double room and sleep downstairs until the extension is done, meaning teenage dd can have her own room and the 8 and 5 year old each have their own room?

JigglyTuff · 22/09/2017 14:42

Does your girlfriend know that you're expecting her to be chauffeur to your children 2 nights a week?

uhoh2016 · 22/09/2017 14:50

I'd put the 3 girls together rather than the youngest girl in with the 2 boys.

uhoh2016 · 22/09/2017 15:09

Sorry just read post a bit more. Defo the girls sharing and boys sharing. If the older one is away at uni then the teenager can use the annexe for her own space once the 5yo is in bed.

Welldoneme · 22/09/2017 21:42

No way would I allow this to happen in my house.
You don't have enough room and I think it's very unfair on your own offspring to expect them to share a bedroom.
What if they fell out?

OutToGetYou · 23/09/2017 00:38

When you say that renting is "chucking money away", what you mean is "using your income to provide a home situation that works for everyone". Not everything is always perfect but when there are kids involved you have to do what is best for them. And if it means it costs a bit more and takes longer to save, so be it, that's the situation you're in.

BubblingUp · 23/09/2017 03:01

The two 8-year-old boys and 5-year-old girl sharing a room would not pass the Social Services test here.

Wouldn't it better to just hire a nanny if you need child care help?

myjobisherdingcats · 23/09/2017 06:13

I think you need to look again! Think about how your kids will feel, pushed out because daddy has a new girlfriend that's how. I'd put off moving in together until you can meet all of the children's needs. Kids first, relationship second.

AdalindSchade · 23/09/2017 06:33

The two 8-year-old boys and 5-year-old girl sharing a room would not pass the Social Services test here

What is the social services test?! I'm a social worker and I've never heard of that Hmm

Op this isn't going to work. Why don't you both sell up and buy a bigger property? They don't all need their own bedrooms but you could buy somewhere with more space, bigger rooms, a dining room etc and you and your dp could shift around when the kids are all there.

AdalindSchade · 23/09/2017 06:39

Oh dear. Have you been to relate or similar to work on your communication before you do this move? Because back in July you were very unsure about her indeed. Rightly!

llangennith · 23/09/2017 07:03

Just RTFT and can only say you've been unbelievably restrained and polite in your responses to such a lot of judgmental and unhelpful posts you've received.
Get your plans for the extension sorted so that it can start asa you have the funds from the sale of your GF's house.
Whatever the sleeping arrangements, all the kids will survive. Siblings often resent sharing a room and I'm sure there will be squabbles and sulks and moans while the building work is going on but you'll all get through it and everyone can keep in mind that they'll have their own room at the end of it. Good luck OP.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 23/09/2017 07:18

Given your other thread you'd be nuts to move in together.

Seeing your attitude to posters on here, your selfishness, your blinkered out look on life & your overwhelming naivety, I can see why your ex wife was unhappy.

Don't do it would be my advice.

If you insist on doing it, then sell both houses & buy a 4 bedroom house if you can't afford a bigger one.

youarenotkiddingme · 23/09/2017 07:31

Only on MN can a Dad come on and say he's not sure the current plans to blend families are are right for his children despite the future plans to extend.

And then a load of people come along and start telling him "will no one think of your children".

Personally I think kids are more resilient than we give them credit for and need to sometimes face short term difficulties to develop resilience.
I like the suggestion above about not including uni child in space. At that age o perfectly understood I'd moved out - but was always welcome in the family home and would be accommodated.

So teen in annexe.
5yo DD in small room.
2 boys in double and you and gf in other double.

I wouldn't assume your ds won't want to share a room. IME 8yo boys love another person to play with and build lego with.
I'd give them the biggest double though. Maybe divide the room in 2 by a curtain or ikea kallax unit which doubles up as storage if they'd prefer?

lasttimeround · 23/09/2017 07:37

I think the tricky thing is some kids are going to be in the home in their rooms more than others. So it risks becoming x's room that y bunks in 2 nights a fortnight.
I think 3 is often a difficult constellation. Boys gang up against girl, biological siblings gang up against non bio.
Can you use the space differently for an interim bit have a big sleeping room for all kids, a big playroom for all. And you and your partner take the smallest room to try to give children as much space as possible?
Of course there always extending before moving in but I assume that's not affordable.

Qvar · 23/09/2017 08:15

I had this situation (or similar) AND WE MAKE IT WORK.

I have a 3 bed semi. 2 double, one single. 4 kids - 3 boys, 1 girl.

The children and adults have been in the following format for years.

My biological children have a room each. Both are boys. Older boy has single room with bunk bed. Younger boy has double room with two singles and a floor to ceiling curtain across the length of the room.

When step children visit, older boy goes in with biological older boy on the bunk bed. He has chest of drawers which is sacred and his own bedding which is only his. Top bunk is his.

Girl goes in with younger boy, who she is older than by a year. Her possessions are also in a sacred chest of drawers and she also has her own bedding and a set bed.

This has worked for 6 years. All children are able to complain about this but don't. Children who only live here part time continue to be happy to come despite having the choice. And no, I'm not moving into a 5 bedroom house unless I win the lottery. My partner doesn't live with me, he lives in a shared house.

its lovely and rather naive that people's reactions are (on mn) why don't you buy a bigger house?

I don't buy a bigger house because I can never buy a house. I don't earn enough even combined with my partner. Many invisible people are in this situation. Many children share bedrooms. Many people have very little money as it is without insisting children all have their own room. There is no "social services test", that's just pure bullshit.

pigeondujour · 23/09/2017 08:22

In terms of the parents to child ratio, we will be going from 1/2, to 2/4.

I have bad news for you Grin

Seriously though - there's a reason most two-parent families don't have 5 kids.

Lowdoorinthewal1 · 23/09/2017 08:23

I also came onto ask why you are not selling both houses and buying one bigger one? Surely that is more straightforward than what you are suggesting?

youarenotkiddingme · 23/09/2017 08:30

I guess buying is because an extension can cost 20-30k yet the difference between a 3/4 bed house can be 40-80k in some areas.

Where I live the difference is huge. Yes, there is the option of moving 3-5 miles away to the next town and getting a 4 bed for the price of a 3 bed here (or very similar price range). However it would be i a busy area with limited parking and no outdoor space/garden. It would require all children to change schools and mean driving on and off a peninsular in rush hour traffic if you remained at current school and for work.

Sometimes a years sacrifice is worth it compared to 5/6/7 years living in a situation that's not ever going to be as good as the one you could get after a year of being squished and living in a building site!

PuckeredAhole · 23/09/2017 08:32

qvar there may be problems when your daughter is 15 and doesn't want to and shouldn't share with an unrelated boy. You are naive to think otherwise. She's probably not complaining because she doesn't know her rights.

With regard to the OP's situation. I would never in a million years put 2 unrelated children of the opposite sex in a bedroom. You need to wait for the extension.

TwoKidsAndCounting · 23/09/2017 08:41

Sorry OP, does sound grim, I wouldn't put them through it

AdalindSchade · 23/09/2017 08:57

Yes the difference between 3 beds to 4 beds can be a big jump but also they will be able to borrow more as two incomes!

C0untDucku1a · 23/09/2017 09:02

Option-

  1. Sell both houses ans buy one large enough to accomodate all children adequately.
  2. Buy a sofa bed for the living room for you and your gf. But 5 yr old in single rokm, teen in second room and boys in master.
DarklyDreamingDexter · 23/09/2017 09:04

Not sure if anyone else has suggested this, but could you do a garage conversion? Cheaper and quicker than an extension. Could be done in a matter of weeks rather than months. In the meantime, the idea of a decent sofa bed in the lounge for you and the GF sounds a sensible idea, freeing up your double room to give the kids more space.