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Original poster

3 sharing a room? Right or wrong?

204 replies

SnowLeopard6 · 21/09/2017 14:39

So, my gf and I are about to all live together. Her 3 children, and my 2. Into my house. We are planning to have an extension built. But in the meantime we are going to have to squeeze in.

My concern is this:
The youngest 3 are going to have to share a room. My 8yr boy, and 5yr daughter, and my gf's 8yr old son.

The room is currently my sons. My daughter will be giving up her room for my gf's teenage daughter. My children stay 2 nights a week and every other wknd. Gf's son will be in the room most of the time apart from every other wknd at his dads.

So every other wknd they will all be in the room, and 2 nights during the week. Rest of the time it'll just be my gf's son.

This is the current plan anyway - I'm not sure I'm comfortable about it. In reality the extension will be a year away, we having had drawings done yet, nevermind the build process.

Is it fair on them to share? Is it reasonable? Feel worried that my children will feel like it's not their home anymore. Like they are just coming to stay in someone elses bedroom. It will be my gf's sons bedroom most of the time. I can't imagaine this will be very nice for them. Equally I appreciate my gf's children will no longer be in their home so strange for them too.

Please share your thoughts on this. Good and bad. Can't quite see the wood through the trees if you know what I mean. Am I over thinking this?

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 21/09/2017 15:41

Gees, just wait until the extension is done (btw, it can really suck to live in a place whilst one's being done, much less all squashed in) or find another home that's big enough and both of you sell up to buy it. Why such a rush to move in together?

Evelynismyspyname · 21/09/2017 15:42

Snowleopard no, it isn't for the children's greater good to be overcrowded and feel pushed out and probably quite stressed eventually, much as you seem to want to convince yourself it is.

As you say ask the 5 year old now and her response isn't that meaningful - she might think sharing with two 8 year old boys is ok or even quite fun. That doesn't mean she'll still be happy to be doing so in 6 months time. Your own 8 year old boy ditto - I'd lay bets he is actually the one who will be most unhappy and resentful about losing his room to your girlfriend's son in 6 months time, even if atm he thinks sharing might be quite fun or he cba to give it much thought.

Your children will feel you have replaced them with your girlfriend and her children and may become less and less keen to attend their contact weekends with you, rather than thinking you've selflessly moved in another adult to love and care for them and help you model a loving relationship for their benefit.

BeatriceBeaudelaire · 21/09/2017 15:43

If they're all away every other weekend why not arrange it so that gfs son is with his dad the weekends your kids are with you so that they only share 2 mid week days and both get time for it to be their room ?

LizzieSiai · 21/09/2017 15:44

I think you should have a chat with the kids first. They may really like the idea but I think it all depends on whether they get along.

An 8 year old boy sharing with a 5 year old girl shouldn't be a problem. They are family now anyway :) I remember living as an only child until I was 7 years old then having my 2 older sisters move to the UK and all 3 of us sharing a room. I didn't even know them and it was such a great experience. Also at that age my parents had taught me that having somewhere to lay my head and call home is something not all children get.

If this was social housing, they would only consider putting you on the list for an extra room when the youngest child is 5. Only God knows how long people would then have to wait to be moved. Point is...this is only temporary. And if the kids hate it...oh well haha, they'll get over it.

TakeMe2Insanity · 21/09/2017 15:44

You keep saying that your gf is selling her place to improve ypur place. Could you sell both places to afford the necessary extra bedroom? It'd also mean you'd both be on the house which would be fairer.

loobyloo1234 · 21/09/2017 15:50

Blimey. You're getting some grief here OP. Jeez (standard MN)

Asking him how long he's been with his gf and so on? Do you not think the fact she is selling her house to be with OP, that this isn't just a one night stand Hmm

Could the teenage daughter not take the annexe for now? And when the oldest child is back from uni, stay at his mothers? Not ideal but surely only a few days over the whole year?

category12 · 21/09/2017 15:50

Yup, most logical thing to do is to both sell up and buy a suitable property together.

As it is, the gf is probably putting herself at serious risk of getting stitched up like a kipper financially if the relationship fails. If snowleopard6 is a good person, he'll make sure that her investment in his property is legally protected. If the gf has any sense, she'll make sure it is or back out fast.

lookatmenow · 21/09/2017 15:50

Why don't your two children have your room and you sleep downstairs on the nights they stay over? It'll only be twice a week and every other weekend

Original poster
SnowLeopard6 · 21/09/2017 15:51

SendintheArdwolves - so I just live alone then?

So the ex left because she wasn't happy, and put her happiness before that of the children. No abuse, no affair, just no longer in love. This massively has a negative impact on the children, only 1 parent to support 2 children in terms of homework, 1 on 1 time, taking to clubs, parties, etc..the list could go on - they DO miss out on things because of this. FACT

I have found someone who i believe will add to our lives (me and my children), and me to theirs, and you don't think it's a good idea - even if the temporary sleeping arrangements were suitable (i accept the current plans are not - hence my post). ??????

OP posts:
Original poster
SnowLeopard6 · 21/09/2017 15:51

lookatmenow - that's a really good idea - thank you

OP posts:
lookatmenow · 21/09/2017 15:53

You're welcome. And get the extension plans sorted asap otherwise they'll drag on and before you know it all kids will be in high school Grin

ShiveryTimbers · 21/09/2017 15:54

I'd sleep on a sofa bed in the living room with your GF, and give the bedrooms to your kids. That will minimise the stress for your children.

I think it would be particularly stressful for your daughter to not only have to give up her room, but suddenly have to share a room with a strange older boy (plus her brother). I don't think it's really fair to her.

You could consider putting the teenager out in the annex. I think that's probably old enough for it if they are comfortable with the idea (I'd have loved it!).

SweetLuck · 21/09/2017 15:54

So there are 7 people in this equation and this proposal improves the lives of only 2 of them, and would be really horrible for the rest.

Yes OP, it's wrong.

guilty100 · 21/09/2017 15:54

I think you need to think carefully about doing an extension in a house full of kids. It's not easy, undergoing a build, doubly so if it's two-storey job! I highly doubt you'd all be able to live in the house while the work happened. I agree with a PP that selling both of your houses and buying something that is already bigger seems like a more sensible solution.

I think kids - and adults - can adjust to different space standards and to sharing. Its likely that homes will become smaller and cities denser in future as climate change and population growth hit, so being used to living in close proximity with others isn't necessarily a bad skill for them to learn.

Notanothernamechangeaddict · 21/09/2017 15:54

A decent sofa bed in the lounge could be the answer, you'd only have to sleep on it when the other children are visiting

Original poster
SnowLeopard6 · 21/09/2017 15:56

TakeMe2Insanity - good idea, we've tried this, 6 beds house are very expensive :( too expensive

category12 - my gf is the one pushing for this - I'M THE CAUTIOUS ONE

OP posts:
SweetLuck · 21/09/2017 15:57

It's not going to be nice for the kids feeling like they are kicking you out of your room though is it? Way to make them feel like a massive inconvenience.

category12 · 21/09/2017 15:57

So are you making sure her financial investment will be protected?

IHateUncleJamie · 21/09/2017 15:57

There's temporary - as in 1-2 months while building work is done - but in my mind, temporary is not "at least a year" until the extension is done.

So no, those sleeping arrangements are not reasonable for a year or more.

Sorry if I've missed it, but why can't you all buy a suitable property together?

Evelynismyspyname · 21/09/2017 15:57

loobyloo1234 I think it was the "for the greater good" comment that brought the knives out - it certainly made my jaw drop that someone could think giving their kids' bedrooms away (effectively) to move their girlfriend and her kids in and letting his own kids kip in the girlfriend's son's room on contact weekends when formally they'd had a room each of their own was for the children's good!

Snowleopard presumably your children still have two parents as they live mainly with their mum? How do you figure that they only have one parent?

Original poster
SnowLeopard6 · 21/09/2017 15:57

Notanothernamechangeaddict - I think you're right, this could be the answer

OP posts:
SendintheArdwolves · 21/09/2017 15:58

So I just live alone then?

Ha, see - it is about you!

But no, I'm not saying you can't EVER have a relationship, just that the current situation you're sketching out isn't suitable or "for the greater good".

You don't have room in your current house for two adults and five children. So you need to address that. There are several options, one of which is your gf and her kids don't move in RIGHT NOW.

It's interesting how angry and defensive you're getting with people who are bringing up the fact that this might be not great for the kids....

ShiveryTimbers · 21/09/2017 15:59

My sister and I slept in separate bedrooms for years (until the basement 'got done up') while my mum and step-dad slept on a sofa-bed in the living room. They did it really nicely and never made us feel like we were the inconvenience.

OP, you don't need a six-bedroom house. Your eldest has already moved out. You need one double bedroom for you and GF, one double bedroom for the two boys, one single bedroom for your little girl, and one single bedroom for the teenager (or the annex room). That's four bedrooms.

Original poster
SnowLeopard6 · 21/09/2017 16:00

Evelynismyspyname - Only have 1 parent at a time - which does make parenting harder than with 2. And means it's harder to give them both all they need compared to when there are 2 parents under 1 roof

And did i really need to spell out that the greater good part is that they will all have their own bedroom when the extension is complete

Jesus - some of you really are going for blood. I know i said the good and bad but i think you've taken it too far

OP posts:
BertieBotts · 21/09/2017 16:00

".....not good for my children to live in a happy family home with 2 adults in a loving relationship....."

Undeniably this is a good thing but it's not actually the highest priority, no.

The most important thing is that the kids feel accepted, settled, and equal, not pushed out or sidelined. Having two adults in their household is secondary to that - you can model a good, healthy relationship while holding off living together (indeed, again, taking any large step like this slowly is one way to help keep the relationship as stable as possible), and a one parent household can still be a happy family home. It's going to be stressful for about the first year or so of living together - fun for a few weeks and then you start stepping on each other's toes and it takes time to learn how to live as a blended family. That's normal but it does make sense not to try and attempt that particular stressful time coinciding with another stressful time of people feeling cramped into too few rooms temporarily and/or having building work done.

Selling both houses and buying together seems like a sensible/fair idea, so that it ends up being neutral ground for the kids rather than feeling like someone is moving into their room. The two boys could still share if they/you wanted. But of course that assumes that you can both get a mortgage and there's no significant emotional investment in the house.