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Original poster

3 sharing a room? Right or wrong?

204 replies

SnowLeopard6 · 21/09/2017 14:39

So, my gf and I are about to all live together. Her 3 children, and my 2. Into my house. We are planning to have an extension built. But in the meantime we are going to have to squeeze in.

My concern is this:
The youngest 3 are going to have to share a room. My 8yr boy, and 5yr daughter, and my gf's 8yr old son.

The room is currently my sons. My daughter will be giving up her room for my gf's teenage daughter. My children stay 2 nights a week and every other wknd. Gf's son will be in the room most of the time apart from every other wknd at his dads.

So every other wknd they will all be in the room, and 2 nights during the week. Rest of the time it'll just be my gf's son.

This is the current plan anyway - I'm not sure I'm comfortable about it. In reality the extension will be a year away, we having had drawings done yet, nevermind the build process.

Is it fair on them to share? Is it reasonable? Feel worried that my children will feel like it's not their home anymore. Like they are just coming to stay in someone elses bedroom. It will be my gf's sons bedroom most of the time. I can't imagaine this will be very nice for them. Equally I appreciate my gf's children will no longer be in their home so strange for them too.

Please share your thoughts on this. Good and bad. Can't quite see the wood through the trees if you know what I mean. Am I over thinking this?

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 21/09/2017 16:20

'You will be teaching your children that they are not the centre of the universities and they will learn to compromise and not be selfish.'

You will be teaching them that Dad's GF and his latest relationship is the most important thing and to be accommodated no matter what the cost to anyone else. They don't need to go to universities to figure that out, but it is certainly a lesson that will stick with them for life.

user1465893880 · 21/09/2017 16:23

How long have you been together? Basically your asking both sets of children to make sacrifices here. Are you legally committed to each other? Or just bf/gf?

I think the very least you should be doing is entering a legal relationship and show commitment ahead of even thinking of this level of disruption.

WickedLazy · 21/09/2017 16:25

Sorry if you've already said and I missed it, how long have you and dp been together? How well do the dc know each other?

Notanothernamechangeaddict · 21/09/2017 16:26

When I lived in a 2 bed house we managed to squeeze the double bed into the box room, it literally touched 3 walls, with only room for a bedside cabinet and the door to open, we slept in there fine so our 2 children could have the bigger room,
Would that be a possibility? You could get a small double (4ft)

Evelynismyspyname · 21/09/2017 16:27

Notanothernamechangeaddict Thu 21-Sep-17 16:18:26

Definitely speak to all the children, have a family meeting and discuss all possibilities, if the kids get on well they might be excited to share, like having sleepovers.

Although this is a nice idea, the opinions of the youngest children's have to be taken with a pinch of salt especially if they "like the idea of sleepovers", because at 5 and even 8 they are very unlikely to be able to accurately predict how they will feel about this several months down the line, and realise all the implications (especially if the fact they are effectively giving their bedrooms away and they are going to be the guests coming for sleepovers is skated over in order to present the idea of the other family moving in in a positive light).

Ask your 5 year old whether she'd like to move her best friend into her room for the next 13 years and she might well be thrilled and excited and not have the maturity to predict likely fall outs etc.

I agree if the other family have to move in the adults have to be the ones making the biggest compromises -

sofa bed in the living room for the adults is definitely part of the compromise solution, not the currently resident children giving up their rooms and being reduced to guests in the room given to the girlfriend's son.

MyDcAreMarvel · 21/09/2017 16:27

Expat children's needs come first but their wants should not.

existentialmoment · 21/09/2017 16:33

So not good for my children to live in a happy family home with 2 adults in a loving relationship? One they can learn from. And have 2 adults care for them and love them and have time to support them under 1 roof? You don't think that's a good thing to want for my children?

But they don't live with you, do they? And no, it won't be good for them if it means other children taking their rooms that they will then be visitors in
Your children will see you live almost full time with unrelated children while they only see you a bit of the time. You realise they will feel like they have been replaced in your home by your GF's children.

Nobody ever looks at it like that, they just go on about how lovely their blended family will be and how nice it will be for the kids. It isn't and ir won't.

Witchend · 21/09/2017 16:35

Ask your 5 year old whether she'd like to move her best friend into her room for the next 13 years and she might well be thrilled and excited and not have the maturity to predict likely fallouts

Exactly. My experience is that with children that age is that if they spend too many hours together they start getting quabbly like siblings, even if they love being together at first.

WickedLazy · 21/09/2017 16:37

How long will the extension take? Worst case scenario?

Gemini69 · 21/09/2017 16:39

this sounds like a disaster waiting to happen OP.... no offence but I think you're right to be cautious ... the impact of your relationship with your own kids might be ok but it might not...

take your time... get the extension or a move sorted before 'blending' the families...

IHateUncleJamie · 21/09/2017 16:40

children's needs come first but their wants should not.

Some children need a safe space where they can be alone and which is theirs. That's a very harsh and quite Victorian attitude, Marvel. I don't think a 5 yr old girl and an unrelated 8 yr old boy would be grabby or entitled to not want to share a bedroom. Hmm

Didntcomeheretofuckspiders · 21/09/2017 16:41

Stud wall in the double? then you could do:

  1. Boys in bunk beds in the double, girls have a small room each.
  2. Teenager in single room, Boys in one 'room' l, 5YO in the other 'room'.
  3. Teenager in single, DP's kids in one 'room', your DS in other 'room'.

Is teenager definitely not mature enough to sleep in the annexe?

SweetLuck · 21/09/2017 16:43

So if you are the cautious one, I am thinking that you know it's not right but can't quite articulate why (or your girlfriend is making your 'caution' seem like rejection?) and you are posting to help get clarity/see if you are right to be cautious.

Is that right?

Original poster
SnowLeopard6 · 21/09/2017 16:51

Absolutely right SweetLuck

Thank you for all your suggestions and alternatives. Definitely some ideas that seem better. Not thank you for all the less than constructive comments - even if you did mean well

OP posts:
SpareChangeDownTheSofa · 21/09/2017 16:55

SnowLeopard6 What's wrong with the teen in the annex, boys in one room and girl in the box room?

Seems to solve everything. Plus it means one of her kids gets their own space, so do one of yours. Then one each of your kids have to share - that way it can't be said one set of children are being favoured (by having their own rooms) over the others.

AntiGrinch · 21/09/2017 16:58

Lots of people have pointed out the problem with the "greater good" comment.

This bothers me too:

"Only have 1 parent at a time - which does make parenting harder than with 2. And means it's harder to give them both all they need compared to when there are 2 parents under 1 roof"

I just don't agree with this, unless your gf is going to be working a lot harder at parenting your children than is fair. You aren't improving the ratio. You're just bringing another woman in and thinking that you're bringing in more love and caring, and letting you that bit more off the hook.

I am separated from my dcs' father. They are better looked after than before, because in my absence (when they are at his house) he pulls his weight and genuinely engages with them. When they are at my house, I also have the energy to do the same, having had time without them to go all out with work and get my personal socialising done. When we lived together he left everything to me and I was burnt out and the children didn't get the quality good energy they deserved.

My children could in theory have had exactly the same good quality energy from us both while we lived together, but we didn't, because he left everything to me and didn't engage.

Please could you think really clearly about whose energy is going to be making the children's lives better? And where it is going to come from? And how you know it will be free, and available, and willingly given?

Original poster
SnowLeopard6 · 21/09/2017 17:04

AntiGrinch - 2 parents are better than 1 if both are pulling their weight. Unfortunately for you that wasn't the case.

OP posts:
AntiGrinch · 21/09/2017 17:10

Not necessarily. You haven't improved the ratio of adult attention, and you have worsened their material conditions with respect to space, privacy, quiet.

SweetLuck · 21/09/2017 17:10

It sounds like you have very high expectations of the step parenting role. You are going into it thinking that your girlfriend will be a new mother to your children.

What is their relationship with her currently like?

AntiGrinch · 21/09/2017 17:13

I mean it is easier for adults to have another adult around. If there are 3 children in a house with one adult, then when the children are home the adult doesn't go out. So the adult cooks a meal, eats with them, chats, bathes them, reads with them, helps with homework and is on call if anyone feels weird in the night.

If you have 6 children in a house and 2 adults, then one of the adults can, on any given night, go out. Then you have one adult who is cooking for 7, eating with 6 children, doing all the washing up, broadly speaking supervising homework and washing, and doesn't really want to be disturbed with random complaints once they are all finally in bed, dammit. It's not the same situation at all if you are one of the kids. And that adult isn't your parent that you can really talk to about what is making you feel weird when the lights go out.

AntiGrinch · 21/09/2017 17:14

"It sounds like you have very high expectations of the step parenting role. You are going into it thinking that your girlfriend will be a new mother to your children."

Exactly.

Does she agree?

What's in it for her?

poddige · 21/09/2017 17:15

OP - jeez you are really getting some stick here!

Could your GF rent while renovations taking place? Presuming she will have a lump sum from her house sale, you could crack on with extension works soon as sale through, and she will only have to be in short term rental.

Original poster
SnowLeopard6 · 21/09/2017 17:26

Grinch, sorry - Antigrinch

"Please could you think really clearly about whose energy is going to be making the children's lives better? And where it is going to come from? And how you know it will be free, and available, and willingly given?"

WTF. WHAT PLANET ARE YOU ON? WHEN DID THE ENERGY ME AND MY GF PUT INTO PARENTING COME IN TO DOUBT? HAVE I MENTIONED ANY CONCERN ABOUT THIS?

PLEASE READ THE OP.

In terms of the parents to child ratio, we will be going from 1/2, to 2/4. There are times when currently my children miss out because I cannot be in 2 places at once, clubs, play dates etc. Mid week evening routines are rushed when football, dance, swimming lessons are on and also have to cook dinner, help with homework, reading time with them, bedtime stories etc..
Two parents will help to make sure all children get all of the support they need.

Yes - space etc is compromised for a limited period of time. Thank you for pointing out the purpose of my thread

OP posts:
NewDaddie · 21/09/2017 17:27

Don't take it too personally people on MN like to give the OP a good kicking.

lunar1 · 21/09/2017 17:27

A new partner moving in is not automatically a new parent for your children. You could end up ruining this relationship by blending families in highly stressful circumstances and expecting to become the Waltons overnight.