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Original poster

3 sharing a room? Right or wrong?

204 replies

SnowLeopard6 · 21/09/2017 14:39

So, my gf and I are about to all live together. Her 3 children, and my 2. Into my house. We are planning to have an extension built. But in the meantime we are going to have to squeeze in.

My concern is this:
The youngest 3 are going to have to share a room. My 8yr boy, and 5yr daughter, and my gf's 8yr old son.

The room is currently my sons. My daughter will be giving up her room for my gf's teenage daughter. My children stay 2 nights a week and every other wknd. Gf's son will be in the room most of the time apart from every other wknd at his dads.

So every other wknd they will all be in the room, and 2 nights during the week. Rest of the time it'll just be my gf's son.

This is the current plan anyway - I'm not sure I'm comfortable about it. In reality the extension will be a year away, we having had drawings done yet, nevermind the build process.

Is it fair on them to share? Is it reasonable? Feel worried that my children will feel like it's not their home anymore. Like they are just coming to stay in someone elses bedroom. It will be my gf's sons bedroom most of the time. I can't imagaine this will be very nice for them. Equally I appreciate my gf's children will no longer be in their home so strange for them too.

Please share your thoughts on this. Good and bad. Can't quite see the wood through the trees if you know what I mean. Am I over thinking this?

OP posts:
RB68 · 21/09/2017 15:22

SHould say I come from a large family(6 kids) and we were used to bunking up and down and even now share as fully grown adults (I would happily share with sisters and we are all over 40)

BertieBotts · 21/09/2017 15:24

As with any kind of blended family situation the sensible thing to do is always to err on the side of taking something a bit too slowly than to rush in too fast.

I agree it would be a better idea to finish the extension first.

ifonly4 · 21/09/2017 15:24

Are the 8 and 5 year olds happy with this, or haven't you raised it with them? As it's only a couple of nights a week, I think I'd be considering it. The only alternative is for gf's teenage daughter to have the 5 year old in with her just for sleeping or for her to give up her room and sleep in the dining room - I know you shouldn't have to offer it, but my DD would have done it if there was some sort of incentive. If teenage daughter wanted friends around and DD was asleep in her bedroom, then you might have to accept her and her friends taking over the kitchen diner, so as you says it's intended to be temporary.

SpareChangeDownTheSofa · 21/09/2017 15:25

I think you should go like this:

-You in double room.
-Teenager in annex.
-Boys in double room.
-Girl in single room.

As a teenager I lived in the downstairs room and I would have loved an annex. If away at uni I'm guessing he won't be able to come back down for a while due to next time being off (if no reading weeks) for a long period is Christmas.

I would have the uni student (I am one too) sleeping on the sofa when he comes back home.

BertieBotts · 21/09/2017 15:26

To be clear - I don't think that 3DC sharing a room is necessarily a big deal in the scheme of things - but when you're blending a family, it's a whole different ball game and you have to be highly sensitive to the kids' sense of rejection and being pushed out. It's hugely important. Not the same at all as kids who are already from the same family sharing temporarily.

Tinty · 21/09/2017 15:26

Could the teenage girl share with the 5 year old in one of the double rooms and the 2 eight year old boys in bunk beds in the single room. Just until the extension is done? Can you kit the annexe in the garden out as a playroom/games room for the 3 youngest, whilst the older DC is at Uni, and hope that the summer is nice and younger ones can play in the garden a lot when he is back.

Witchend · 21/09/2017 15:26

Think of it this way:

Your dc are used to having a room each that is theirs and theirs alone.
Your dd then doesn't have a room-and your ds' room is now shared between him, his sister and an unrelated boy.
Not only that but those rooms that were their own they will find the others see them as the interlopers as they're there less often.

It's going to breed huge resentment, even if the children seem to adore each other now.

Original poster
SnowLeopard6 · 21/09/2017 15:27

LovingLola - wtf? Not for the childrens greater good? Are you for real?

So not good for my children to live in a happy family home with 2 adults in a loving relationship? One they can learn from. And have 2 adults care for them and love them and have time to support them under 1 roof? You don't think that's a good thing to want for my children?

Brenna - thank you, that's a good idea

OP posts:
TakeMe2Insanity · 21/09/2017 15:27

Could you rent a bigger house and do the extention sooner?

It sounds as if most of the children are going to get a raw deal.

As is I would suggest using one of the downstairs living spaces as a bedroom for you and gf. That way the kids get an appropriate room. I umderstand if your daughter shares with her sibling, but unfair for them all to be cooped up together.

Missingstreetlife · 21/09/2017 15:28

Or her kids get one room and yours one, or two girls share and two boys share, jam a double or bunks in single room for you or two little boys (who will fight as too close in age). Also depends on whether all kids there on same weekend. Nightmare!

Goldmandra · 21/09/2017 15:29

Do you really think it's appropriate to create this situation because you and your GF want to live together?

Do the children get a say in this?

Do the children know each other well enough and get along well enough to share rooms?

I think you need to save up, get the house right, then make plans for her and her children to move in.

Evelynismyspyname · 21/09/2017 15:30

guilty100 the people you are talking about didn't generally get to the age of 8 or so with a room of their own and no reason to expect to share, and then suddenly have two additional non infant, non sibling children join them though.

Its one thing to grow up knowing no different, and another to have your own space for years and then have unrelated children move into your room long term because daddy is in love with their mummy.

Not so long ago most people didn't have indoor toilets, or central heating, or even a fridge - just because most of those people were fairly happy and managed fine doesn't mean its easy to go back to not having those things, especially when the reason isn't financial necessity or a tragedy or fleeing domestic violence or fleeing a war zone, but just that your parent wants to move a new partner and their kids in, so all the children have to give their high living standards up to allow the parents live together.

lunar1 · 21/09/2017 15:32

Can you sell both and buy somewhere already done. The space you have would soon not be enough in 1 or 2 years. Extensions are a nightmare to live through, always take a lot longer and cost a lot more than you wanted and make parts of your house unliveable.

You don't have enough space to begin with never mind while the work is being done.

Spam88 · 21/09/2017 15:33

I don't think 1 in one room and 3 in he other is reasonable. I'd either do girls and boys, or your kids and her kids.

slithytove · 21/09/2017 15:33

Terrible terrible. You are taking your children's bedrooms away from them?

Is this because you own and she rents?

Notearsgoodbye · 21/09/2017 15:33

How long have you been with your gf?

Original poster
SnowLeopard6 · 21/09/2017 15:34

Goldmandra -save up for an extension first, wow, that's a brilliant idea - can't believe i didn't think of that first.

Yep - I'll ask my 5yr her opinion on whether or not she thinks me and my gf should live together. I'll post the reply

OP posts:
Evelynismyspyname · 21/09/2017 15:35

ifonly4 there isn't a dining room though - it's the kitchen (kitchen/ diner is a kitchen with room for a family dining table - it's what we have too and it's lovely, but it's not a room that could be used as a bedroom the way a separate dining room could)

SendintheArdwolves · 21/09/2017 15:36

The thing is, snowleopard presumably atm your children live in a happy home with one adult, so this happy-home-loving-relationship bonus is mostly going to benefit YOU not them. I'm not saying there aren't sometimes benefits to a blended family, but there are also downsides. And usually it's the adults who get MOST (not all) of the benefits and the downsides fall disproportionately on the kids.

aims331 · 21/09/2017 15:37

It's not a good idea

Original poster
SnowLeopard6 · 21/09/2017 15:39

A teenager and a 5yr doesn't seem right. Teenagers need their own space. They are young adults. Couldn't expect a 14yr to be quiet in her room because the 5yr is asleep at 7pm every night. Good idea though.

2 years.

We both own. Her selling would enable us to build an extension so we can all live together.

The children know each other very well and get on well.

OP posts:
category12 · 21/09/2017 15:39

Sell both houses and buy something better suited to your blended family.

LovingLola · 21/09/2017 15:40

Yes I am completely for real.
How long have you been in a relationship with your gf?

category12 · 21/09/2017 15:40

Are you marrying? I hope her potential investment in improvements to your home will be protected.

AlexsMum89 · 21/09/2017 15:41

Hi OP.
I had to 'blend' with another family when I was 13 and it was no fun for me whatsoever, so I totally get that it has to be handled sensitively. These things do of course have to be done within your financial means and I can imagine it's not possible to either delay the move until the extension is completed or rent another house in the mean time.
Please don't let people try to make you feel selfish for wanting to live together, you can't keep your life frozen just because it's a bit difficult to work out.
You, as adults may need to suffer a little more than the kids in the mean time - perhaps:
Teenager 1 room
Boys 1 room
Girl 1 room
Uni Student Annexe / double purpose as play room or second living room
Adults Bed/sofa bed in living room?
Honestly I'm not sure how important kids bedrooms are in my house, they're literally used as sleeping space and toy storage and my DS just spends all his time bringing his toys into the living room. If it's more like that with your kids maybe having a good play space is more important than bedrooms?
Good luck xx