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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

3 sharing a room? Right or wrong?

204 replies

SnowLeopard6 · 21/09/2017 14:39

So, my gf and I are about to all live together. Her 3 children, and my 2. Into my house. We are planning to have an extension built. But in the meantime we are going to have to squeeze in.

My concern is this:
The youngest 3 are going to have to share a room. My 8yr boy, and 5yr daughter, and my gf's 8yr old son.

The room is currently my sons. My daughter will be giving up her room for my gf's teenage daughter. My children stay 2 nights a week and every other wknd. Gf's son will be in the room most of the time apart from every other wknd at his dads.

So every other wknd they will all be in the room, and 2 nights during the week. Rest of the time it'll just be my gf's son.

This is the current plan anyway - I'm not sure I'm comfortable about it. In reality the extension will be a year away, we having had drawings done yet, nevermind the build process.

Is it fair on them to share? Is it reasonable? Feel worried that my children will feel like it's not their home anymore. Like they are just coming to stay in someone elses bedroom. It will be my gf's sons bedroom most of the time. I can't imagaine this will be very nice for them. Equally I appreciate my gf's children will no longer be in their home so strange for them too.

Please share your thoughts on this. Good and bad. Can't quite see the wood through the trees if you know what I mean. Am I over thinking this?

OP posts:
fortheloveofpancakes · 21/09/2017 17:30

Go ahead with your plans by all means but expect your children’s visits to dwindle and/or things to become tricky at home.
Personal experience here as a step child and as a step mother.
Lots have posters have given you much better alternatives. Take their advice!

Original poster
SnowLeopard6 · 21/09/2017 17:31

poddige - another good idea :) thanks

I seriously think some of you are on the wind up, the stuff you are talking about makes no sense. Questioning my relationship and intentions of my gf. That really wasn't the intention of my OP. And at no point have I implied it was. You're just making stuff up. Please stick to the OP.If not, please leave the thread

OP posts:
Notonthestairs · 21/09/2017 17:33

Don't know much about blending families. I do know about extensions. We were due to move back in to ours in August, it will be December if we are lucky. So 5-6 month build has become 9-10. Builders uncovered all sorts of unexpected issues. Costs escalate etc. If you will be crammed in a bit now it will be so much worse during the build and the stress of it all....
Several posters have suggested you both selling and jointly buying a property- I may just be stuck in extension hell but I'd certainly recommend it.

NewDaddie · 21/09/2017 17:34

Haven't rtft so this is probably been mentioned I think put bunk beds in the single room for the 2 boys and then let the 2 girls have the double. I'm imagining that's what I'd do in your position.

gingergenius · 21/09/2017 17:34

Don't do it!

existentialmoment · 21/09/2017 17:36

Two parents will help to make sure all children get all of the support they need

You are so missing the point, so badly. You see your GF as another parent for them, you are adding in the equation. Your children see it as you taking from them though, taking their rooms, taking their time with you.

gingergenius · 21/09/2017 17:39

Agree with Brenna's suggestion. And no, you're not selfish, just trying to work a plan that caters to everyone's needs as best you can. Bio siblings sharing is preferable ime and avoids resentment (normal bio sibling resentment is more manageable).

Hope it all works out

wheresthel1ght · 21/09/2017 17:42

@snowleopard6 my dp's ex moved in with her before and had a similar situation, he refused n to allow his kids to be forced out of their rooms so dp's kids shared one room and him and exw had a sofa bed in lounge. All 4 kids are resident most of the time at that house. Dp's are boy and girl and at time were 11 & 9. It wasn't ideal but it was short lived while they did the house up. They did decided to sell and buy a bigger house in the end as it just wasn't workable longer term. Here dss has the box room and dsd and our dd share a room. Dsd is nearly 12 now and dd is 4. It does work well.

My suggest would be the 2 boys in bunk beds in the box room, find a way to divide the second double so that both girls get a bit of privacy and then convert the annex into a games space /homework area and maybe hook up with a TV etc so the teenager gets somewhere to escape to when your 5 year old is in bed. If you cam put a sofa bed in there then her eldest has a room when home from uni.

Good luck. It's not easy trying to juggle, but do talk to the kids all together and get them to have inout. Even at 5 they will ha e an opinion!

Is your smallest bedroom big enough for a double bed? If so could you and gf have that and then the kids get the bugger rooms?

Original poster
SnowLeopard6 · 21/09/2017 17:44

existentialmoment - of course my gf will be a parental figure for my children, and I for hers. We are a family. Why are you questioning this? I have not asked for your comments on this, so please stop. It has nothing to do with the original post.

OP posts:
Original poster
SnowLeopard6 · 21/09/2017 17:47

gingergenius, wheresthel1ght thank you - some great ideas and tips from experience

OP posts:
existentialmoment · 21/09/2017 17:49

of course my gf will be a parental figure for my children, and I for hers. We are a family. Why are you questioning this?

You can't force yuor children to fit in with you naive but lovely view of your new family.
Your kids will not feel like you are a family, they will feel like you and your GF and her children are a family, and you are pushing them out. You are giving away their bedrooms to your new children.

Original poster
SnowLeopard6 · 21/09/2017 17:52

existentialmoment
"Your kids will not feel like you are a family"

wow i know i came on here for peoples opinions but didn't expect that.

OP posts:
paxillin · 21/09/2017 17:53

AntiGrinch - 2 parents are better than 1 if both are pulling their weight. Unfortunately for you that wasn't the case.

It will be years before you DC see her as a parent, providing they ever will. My own DSC was much younger and still it took years. I had no DC of my own at that time.

It will be really hard and full of stress and heart break without cramped accommodation and "stolen" rooms. I don't say this to goad. I say this as someone who has been (and still is) travelling on this difficult path. Best for your kids would be if indeed you stayed living alone. Second best will be if you don't, but are aware this is for you, not them. Terrible would be the pretence this is for them if they are the ones making the sacrifices.

existentialmoment · 21/09/2017 17:53

Well try looking at it from their point of view instead of your own for a change? You clearly haven't.

alltouchedout · 21/09/2017 17:54

Well, how do you think your dc will see it?

QueSera · 21/09/2017 17:54

I might get some eye rolls for this but I would not want my very young daughter sharing with an older unrelated male.

I totally agree with this comment.
Even if they were related, i would not allow it. Personal experience (not me, but close friends).

SweetLuck · 21/09/2017 17:55

You haven't answered any questions about your girlfriends relationship with your children. So people are suspicious and filling in the blanks.

You certainly don't sound like a family from what you've written here, and that is all people have to go on.

Auspiciouspanda · 21/09/2017 17:56

So are you giving these 3 children the biggest room in the house since they'll need the most room?

QueSera · 21/09/2017 17:59

I think you and your partner should take the living room sofa-bed, to free up a bedroom for the kids. Thats what i would do.

onanotherday · 21/09/2017 18:07

OP I apprieciate that housing costs are highConfused But if you and your GF could find a 4 bed house..maybe with potential for adding a further bedroom. It would feel like everyone's home and kids could feel included in the search. ...I remember moving into my step mums house and I never felt like i had a home of my own. ..always a guest....but I was a teenager by thenHmm.

Kr1s · 21/09/2017 18:12

Actually it sounds to me like you are finding parenting two children alone ( even part time ) tough and are desperate to move in another adult who you assume will lighten your load considerably.

You seem to be finding it hard to see it from your kids point of view - they will lose bedrooms, privacy and time alone with you. Your not having the juggle the brownie/ football runs won't really make it up to them.

Sofabitch · 21/09/2017 18:12

these threads always amaze me that people think everyone can just buy house with 4/5 bedrooms.

its temporary, a year isn't so long, and its not full time.

but i think id have a room for your children and a room for hers.

category12 · 21/09/2017 18:25

I think it's a reasonable premise that if you sell two houses you could buy one larger joint place. Also it's a fairer footing financially.

I think the op has an unrealistic expectation of how easy it is to become accepted as a step-parent in what will be a squash and a squeeze.

Marinade · 21/09/2017 18:26

I don't think you should proceed with this arrangement. Please don't deprive your
children of the sole occupancy of their bedrooms in this way as this will be very very upsetting for them. They will have an emotional attachment to their rooms that must transcend any practical benefit your dual parenting arrangement will bring and which they will not be able to articulate given their ages. And I think your objections to the questions around your relationship are slightly unreasonable as that clearly at the heart of this.

existentialmoment · 21/09/2017 18:26

these threads always amaze me that people think everyone can just buy house with 4/5 bedrooms

Nobody thinks that. They do think that you can't just cram assorted children into the bedrooms you have because you would like to live with your girlfriend.