3 sharing a room? Right or wrong?

[SnowLeopard6]

So, my gf and I are about to all live together. Her 3 children, and my 2. Into my house. We are planning to have an extension built. But in the meantime we are going to have to squeeze in.

My concern is this:
The youngest 3 are going to have to share a room. My 8yr boy, and 5yr daughter, and my gf's 8yr old son.

The room is currently my sons. My daughter will be giving up her room for my gf's teenage daughter. My children stay 2 nights a week and every other wknd. Gf's son will be in the room most of the time apart from every other wknd at his dads.

So every other wknd they will all be in the room, and 2 nights during the week. Rest of the time it'll just be my gf's son.

This is the current plan anyway - I'm not sure I'm comfortable about it. In reality the extension will be a year away, we having had drawings done yet, nevermind the build process.

Is it fair on them to share? Is it reasonable? Feel worried that my children will feel like it's not their home anymore. Like they are just coming to stay in someone elses bedroom. It will be my gf's sons bedroom most of the time. I can't imagaine this will be very nice for them. Equally I appreciate my gf's children will no longer be in their home so strange for them too.

Please share your thoughts on this. Good and bad. Can't quite see the wood through the trees if you know what I mean. Am I over thinking this?

I do think you have put on the love blinkers a bit and your defensiveness is because you are starting to see it.
Basically, have a little empathy. If you were a little five year old girl away from your mummy at night, would you want to be in with two silly older boys trashing the bedroom and teasing you or pushing you out of games? Or would you like a little bit of space to retire to to play with your dollies or watch Frozen or whatever? Your priority one here is to look after the interests of your own two kids, and they are getting the shitty end of the stick in all this. Personally I wouldn't move gf in to your house. I'd sell up and get something with four beds and it will then not feel as much like you have chucked your kids out of their bedrooms

Great thread OP. The fact you are considering/ asking for life experience (rather than opinion).

I live in a teeny house with my kids and currently sleep in my lounge on the sofa bed so my DD can have my a bedroom and DS in the smaller bedroom.

Good luck making it all work!

these threads always amaze me that people think everyone can just buy house with 4/5 bedrooms.

No. But it takes years for step-parents to be accepted as a parental figure, same for step-siblings. Some never get accepted. I think many of the people pointing this out are themselves step-parents or have been step-children.

Starting off by (1) taking their room from them and (2) handing their dad to the new step-siblings (that is what 5- and 8-year-olds will think) won't help the process along.

Sofabitch - it won't be a year, it be as long as it takes to sell GF's house, save up for a bit extra, get plans drawn up, planning consent through, party wall agreements if needed etc and then getting a builder that can work with the budget and actually start work, then the work itself.
Can you tell I hate building work!

You’ve still not explained why you can’t sell both houses and buy a 4 bed. A fresh start is what’s needed to avoid resentment

I remember you. You're the razor guy.

The situation you describe will end badly for the following reasons:

1. You are unsure of your gf. She flirts with other men and you don't communicate well with her. You feel pushed around by her... because you don't communicate well, and don't trust her. See razor thread.
2. You feel pressured by your gf. She is "pushing" the living together thing... and you're unsure but feel defensive and upset about being unsure, so you're coming here for support and the answers are making you feel even more uncomfortable
3. You have wildly, CRAZILY naïve ideas about step parenting. I am chilled to the bone to hear of your dangerously stupid expectations that your children will basically get a new parent in your gf... your kids will not thank you for this OP... I strongly suggest you begin reading as many books as you can about stepparenting and blending families. There are so many statements made by you in this thread re: your gf as stepparent that ring the loudest possible alarm bells... I don't know where to start, you are in for a world of pain and so are your children

Fwiw, I think you would be doing your kids a huge disservice by moving this woman and her dc into your home, particularly in the way you describe.

The fact that either of you could even countenance the idea of putting a 5yo girl in with two 8yo boys shows that you are horrifically out of touch with the needs of the kids. Sorry and I hope you educate yourself v v quickly for the sake of your kids

"Please stick to the OP.If not, please leave the thread"

:)

the OP (which is on the Relationships board, and is quite appropriately about.... relationships) asks, among other good questions "Is it fair on them to share? Is it reasonable? Feel worried that my children will feel like it's not their home anymore."

Good question. Part of your answer seems to be "but to make up for this, they'll be gaining a parent" (paraphrasing). It is absolutely relevant to wonder whether this is actually the case.

You are the one who set up the relationship between you and your gf as this absolute good that makes up for all else - for everyone. We have every right to ask a bit more about this, if we are to discuss the matter at all.

You know this isn't cut and dried. you aren't comfortable. You're being unnecessarily defensive about thinking about why. We aren't the problem.

If I was that child being moved out of my bedroom I would be very upset.

I was 25 when my dad remarried. I have never called his wife my step mum. I do not see her as my mother in anyway at all. You need to reconsider your plans. Your children will resent you and decide to live elsewhere.

You are unsure of your gf. She flirts with other men and you don't communicate well with her

Sounds like you're setting yourself up for a similar relationship to the one with your ex. And YES I KNOW that I am making a lot of assumptions there. But I bet I'm right though.

Seriously, if it is true that you are unsure of her (and for what it's worth I think you are right to be) then it can only benefit you all to wait a little and see how things pan out.

When I was younger my friend had a heap of siblings and they outgrew their house so the parents got a big fancy sofa bed and after x time in the evening the living room was their bedroom, had curtains on their glass panelled door and was really cosy and comfortable. I know because when we were older and parties going on they did a shuffle so us teens could crash in the room while parents slept back upstairs.

If you do decide to blend the families giving the kids as much space as possible and giving up your bedroom would be the best bet, also splitting girls and boys and decorating how they like even if it's just a cheap tub of paint and some photos/posters so everyone feels like they have their own space and tastes considered.

Short term while you get the extension built I don't see a problem, I lived in one room with my mum and everything we owned for the best part of a year when I was younger it was an absolute pain but short term and made me appreciate my own room so much more afterwards. She constantly reminded me it was short term and that helped

Surely the two boys in the double and the two girls in the single (as one is a teenager and will be there permanently). Permanently resident children taking priority?

How about you get a very decent sofa bed for you and your gf. Then 3 bedrooms to share between the kids. It would be easier all round

Either:
Teen in annexe
Boys share a double
5 yr old has single
You and gf have double
(When uni son comes home there will need to be some sort of shuffle round)

Or
Boys share
Girl 5 has single
Teen has double
Living room becomes you and gf room
Use diner and annex as living areas
Uni son has annexe when he comes home

For a year it should work.

But honeylulu realistically it's not going to be a year.

OP I don't understand why you're getting so defensive just because some pps can see things from the children's point of view.

I also don't understand why the idea of selling both houses and buying a SUITABLE home for everyone is such a no-no that you won't even respond to questions about it?

There are times when currently my children miss out because I cannot be in 2 places at once, clubs, play dates etc. Mid week evening routines are rushed when football, dance, swimming lessons are on and also have to cook dinner, help with homework, reading time with them, bedtime stories etc

You're assuming that your gf will be happy to do that for YOUR dc when you move in together. Why not test the waters by asking her once at a time you know her dc aren't out. "Look I'm really stuck tomorrow, can you do a pick up for me?" or "Do you think I could lave 8yo with you for a couple of hours while I take the 5yo to get new shoes?" and see what she says. A teen can be left in charge of an 8yo easily, and the 8yos can play together.
If they can't play together anyway then they're not going to be good sharing a room together.

My the sound of her idea on the rooms, the reality will be you are rushing out picking up her dc, who will take priority over yours while she stays at home.

I think selling both houses and buying 1 bigger 4 bed house with both names on mortgage and buying as tenants in common (% of each relative to what you put in) would be best.
Extensions are expensive, long and stressful. Then it's also a neutral house.
If this is an option, I'd do this first.

If not, and you have to stay in the 3 bed house, I'd try to swap so that the boys are going to their other parents week about.
Box room teenager, they have less toys.
Double room 1, bunks for the boys, boys are with you alternative weekends and just sharing mid week for a few nights, 5 yr old in other double with all her toys plus all both adults clothing.
Adults sleeping on sofa bed in the lounge room until extension complete. Realistically, if you have not gotten plans drawn, approval from council, it'll be more like 2 years than 1.
Annexe is play room and where visiting adult child sleeps when home from uni.

Some of the responses on here are crazy. People suggested me you sell up or rent somewhere (where do they thing the money will come from? How long does it take to sell up? They don't want to sell up?).

OP, I think the arrangement will be fine for now as long as all the dc's are happy with it. It's only short term, if it doesn't work then you can give up your room and sleep in the living room for a few months? Sofa bed?

Just juggle things around for a while until the extension is built.

Crazy? To say its not ok to take your childrens bedrooms and give them to other kids, and make them guests in their own home?

You can't juggle children's lives.

OP once your ex finds out your plans my guess is you will find yourself with a lot less contact time. Most mothers would not allow you to treat their children so badly.

Nobody's is taking anyone's bedroom, they are just sharing. Which is perfectly normal. The snobby, entitled attitudes to room sharing in this thread are awful.

Yes, they are.

My daughter will be giving up her room for my gf's teenage daughter.

And the DS will be losing his room to the gf's son who will live there permanently and he gets to stay in it (together with his sister) on contact days.

He is not giving it up he will stay in exactly the same amount of time just sharing.
The daughter moving out of her room is five!

MyDC can't you see the difference between sharing with a sibling full time with equal "ownership" of the room, equal space for your stuff, being there equal amounts to see your stuff isn't moved/ used/ thrown out... and going from having your own room (arranged how you like it with your clothes, posters/ toys/ books) to sleeping that room with two other children one of whom is in that room most nights so inevitably makes it their own (with their clithes in the wardrobe and toys, books, posters, mess etc) and comes to see it as mainly "their" room, and you as someone they have to let sleep in the room sometimes.

"Although it is for a greater good,"

No, it's not for any 'greater good', it's so you can live with your gf.

If you really must live together (why?) before the kids are old enough to move away etc, then why not find a suitable house and buy that together rather than squeeze into this unsuitable one and live through horrid building works?

The snobby, entitled attitudes to room sharing in this thread are awful.

God, yes, how snobby and entitled to think a 5 year old girl sharing with two boys, one of whom is not related to her, is inappropriate and would be absolutely awful?

Just because you don't appear to think of children as individuals who want and need a little bit of safe space of their own, MyDC, doesn't make everyone else "snobby", nor our children "entitled".

Some of the responses on here are crazy. People suggested me you sell up or rent somewhere (where do they thing the money will come from? How long does it take to sell up? They don't want to sell up?).

No they're not crazy. They are sensible questions which, for some reason, the OP won't answer.