DP has accused me of cheating on him

[AllFakeFurCoatAndNoSpanx]

On phone and crying snotty mess so apologies for errors.

DP and I due to get married in 4 weeks. He's been withdrawn and cold to me for a few weeks, since returning from working away over the summer. I thought he was getting depressed, and yesterday asked him if he'd consider going to a GP about it. I'd also noticed that whenever any wedding stuff came up he sort of closed down, so I asked him if everything was okay with us (he was excited and involved in wedding planning before.)

His response was to say he wanted to go to Relate to deal with the "fact" that I cheated on him back in 2013 and try to work through my betrayal.

I have not ever cheated on him. I feel completely bewildered and hurt.

When I sat with my mouth hanging open and asked what the fuck he meant, he launched into a long convoluted list of "evidence". I was crying and in shock so I am not sure I have this all right but this is the gist...

1. I had a positive result for chlamydia in 2013 after getting a screen as part of investigations into UTIs. I was gutted at the time and cried when I told him, as I felt awful that I had an STI and would have given it to him. He has taken this as a sign of guilty conscience.

1. His test came back negative, which he says must mean I had caught it only recently, and not before we got together (in 2009.) Ergo had slept with someone else.

1. I have a gmail email, and unbeknownst to me (or him) a full stop in your gmail address doesn't matter so you can send with or without. Once I sent him an email without the full stop in...so he thinks I have a "secret second account" for, I don't know, organising secret shagathons.

The gmail thing is batshit and easily explained so he gets that. The chlamydia thing I cannot explain. I KNOW I have been faithful. I can only think mine was a false positive? Or his a false negative?

This is completely and utterly out of character. I thought we were in love and happy, bar the last few weeks of coldness from him. I am on a train to my sister, devastated and confused.

OP - first off I think you come across as a really lovely, level headed and smart person. I'm sorry you are going through this, particularly so close to your wedding. I also echo what others have said about your family sounding ace. Having a strong foundation and support network is a big positive.

I've read the whole thread and I don't think it's as black and white as telling you to ditch him and move on. You've been happy for eight years, you love him, you're due to get married. But yes clearly he is behaving appallingly for some reason. He hasn't necessarily cheated. Could this be a really severe case of pre wedding jitters on his part? He said he had put on weight - could he have cold feet about standing up in front of everybody? I know it's extreme - but my OH was really quite awful in run up to our wedding ( we had been together 7 years) and I kept questioning whether he actually wanted to marry me. Don't underestimate the power of fear of commitment and nerves ( not excusing his behaviour though)

It's very difficult because we only know what you have written and can't possibly get a proper picture of your relationship or the kind if man your OH truly is. But I keep thinking about how wonderful you say he has been for eight years ( four of which he now says he had supposedly been seething with resentment) so I think either you have been kidding yourself and he hasn't been wonderful for eight years - in which case there is a strong case for facing up to that and cutting your losses.

Or - he has been wonderful and you have been happy - in which case don't be too hasty to throw it all away. Talk some more. Inside and outside the relate appt. I think if he is genuinely a good man, you can prob find a way through.

Whatever happens I really do wish you well. And I hope you'll let us know what you decide. Sending a virtual mumsnet hug - for what it's worth no think you are handling yourself with admirable calm and dignity X X

I am guilty of not reading the whole thread. My doctor told me that chlamydia can "hide" up the old fanjo (not clued up on official terms). I had a lot of bother after pregnancy and they kept pushing for sti checks etc even tho wasn't even having any sex.
OP I think you sound really strong and I hope your ex realises what he has lost. X

Blimey, he's treated you appallingly, what an idiot he's been. Yes, you must cancel the wedding :( and yes, he must move out. Can you afford to buy him out? Regardless of how he feels, he should not have treated you in this cold and unfeeling manner.

Gird your loins for Monday, OP, kids are sensitive little souls, they'll pretend to ignore any distress if you put on a brave face.

So sorry you're going through this OP. Not meaning to sound like I'm excusing his behaviour at all and this might be completely wrong but was this completely out of character for him?
Just seems like he's very suddenly become delusional/paranoid - is there a chance it can be related to his mental health? One of my relatives is schizophrenic and it first became clear when he suddenly started acting v differently/ more paranoid than normal. (Not saying he's schizophrenic, just wondered if it's worth considering the mental health angle)

Please be careful not to let the advice on this thread sway you too far in either direction OP. This is your relationship and only you can decide what you should do. It’s so easy for us here to project and either say “LTB” or “forgive and forget” but we get to move on with our lives after this thread is done - you have to live with your decisions.

Really, really thinking of you.

For what it’s worth, I went a bit bonkers before my wedding and was convinced DH would leave me before it happened. Absolutely convinced. Which is just ridiculous. But anxiety isn’t rational, and it was triggered really hard by the wedding.

It's really eye opening how many stories there are of people going bonkers just before weddings. I thought that only happened in soaps and Hardy novels.

For me, the wedding has been a lovely, lovely distraction from other stresses. I have probably been too fixated on it as this wonderful day where everyone we loved would be together etc etc. It's not that I was fussing over chair covers or anything. I was just so so excited and I didn't have any doubt it was right.

Given all that it's feeling surprisingly easy to let go of the wedding. I guess because I am very likely losing him (and he is losing me) and that's just so painful.

I've started to make a list of to dos to get me through next few weeks. So far I have:

Short term:
-Cancel all wedding stuff (family will do or help)

• Go to Relate and stay calm and tell him he needs therapy

-Book amazing holiday for when wedding was booked -Get all finances and paperwork sorted

Long term:
-Get counselling
-Get a dog (we were going to get a dog in the new year, after delayed honeymoon)
-Driving lessons for automatic (I failed four tests last year )
-See family and friends lots

I slept a bit better last night, found an app called Calm and just played guided meditations on a loop.

Good on you, OP.You rock.

Having a holiday is a great idea. Will you take someone close to you with you for support?

Hoping my sister can come if she can sort childcare (my Mum and BiL will almost certainly cover it)

I'm thinking one of those amazing spa retreats somewhere. I can't afford it really but the thought of being here and thinking about what I would be doing through the day is just impossible.

I also think this is recoverable.
If it was him that had the positive, wouldn't you have doubts about his fidelity? I think most of us would.
He has clearly gone the wrong way about it, but it has been eating at him for all this time. He probably just wanted it all to go away so chose to ignore and now it's all come to a head.
In his mind he thinks you have cheated. You haven't, but it would explain this behaviour coming out now, a month before the wedding.
Good luck. Hope you get through this.

I just can't see how he has let his issues about the chlamydia go 4 years without doing something about it until now, four weeks before he wedding. He proposed for goodness sake. There has to be something else going on but he's blaming it all on that one thing. You're right, the wedding has to be cancelled, then play it by ear. The relationship may not be irrecoverable, but a marriage would need a lot of groundwork from where you are right now. Hugs to you OP, you seem like a lovely person and I'm so sorry this has happened to you. I also want to give your mum, sister and BiL a hug as well, they sound brilliant!

Sounds like you have it under control and your family sound wonderful so I would definitely heed their advice.

Get a nice haircut, you'll feel great.

Short term you could also join Borrow my Doggy, volunteer for something you enjoy (I do gardening for old people on Saturdays sometimes) and research a few hobbies/ pick something. I started crochet a few years ago and I love it. Also think of redecorating bedroom/ getting a new bed/ sofa - you can spend hours on pinterest! You could perhaps do a short spa break over the actual wedding day and then spend some money on the redecoration.

OP, I wouldn’t even consider trying to rebuild your relationship with this man. He sounds like very hard work. Find yourself someone who deserves you.

Just adding my experience. I had a 'breakdown' four weeks before my wedding. It was out of the blue. We went on to marry when he threatened we would be finished altogether if we didn't get married then.
We never fully recovered. He wouldn't do counselling and it was the elephant in the room.
He went on to leave me 3 years ago after he had an affair. I think he checked out when I had doubts all those years ago.
I would say definitely call off the wedding. Your relationship may not be over but that date is tainted now. I wish we had called it off and spoken a lot more about the reasons for my feelings.
Sorry I know it's not the same thing but he obviously is finding excuses not to marry you and that isn't good enough. You sound like an amazing person with a great family.
Finally be kind to yourself and take time to grieve. A break up, after this amount of time, for me was like he had died. He was vile to me and painted a picture of me as a monster - he looked for things to blame me for, just as your partner is doing.
I also supported him through 9 years of a PHD because he didn't get his act together!
Take care xxx

AllFakeFur

I think your email to him was brilliant! I think it is probably spot on and shows strength of character, courage and candour.

The main issue here is he doesn't want to get married as others have said.

I had a positive result for chlamydia in 2013 after getting a screen as part of investigations into UTIs. I was gutted at the time and cried when I told him, as I felt awful that I had an STI and would have given it to him

Can I ask you a question? When this happened why did you not immediately conclude he had cheated??? I'm surprised that feeling guilty you may have given it to him was your first thought? If you'd been tested between 2009 and 2013 (After you started you relationship) AND you'd been faithful, the only logical conclusion is that HE had been unfaithful to you.

I'm interested to know why wasn't this your first thought? Was it because he immediately went on the attack? guilty conscience?

It's like the poster above with the "failed test" wrongly reported by the GP as +ve, wrote - that she started to not trust her DH.

you are your own HERO OP

Hope it went ok last night and he did as you asked

I hope he wasn't there when you got back yesterday but I have a feeling he probably was.
I also hope you felt strong enough to go to work today.
It's a good distraction.
Try to have a good week.
for you

CloseToTheBone -wtf? Have you really just written that shite on page one?

Hope he had the decency not to be there when you got back OP. Thinking of you today. Sounds like you are in control, which is great.

Thinking of you.

I also wanted to add a positive word: you can get through the day that would've been the wedding with minimum fuss provided you force yourself to breeze through. Going away, and keeping very, very busy are important. As with all griefs, however, there is no long term way of abridging it. Allow yourself time to grieve when you feel like it, but make sure you have a "rescue plan" (I had a box of stuff that I'd put together when I was out and about, containing anything that might lift me, e.g. magazines and a sachet of hot chocolate, happy CDs (I have an astonishingly extensive collection of upbeat pop now), DVD box sets etc.