DP has accused me of cheating on him

[AllFakeFurCoatAndNoSpanx]

On phone and crying snotty mess so apologies for errors.

DP and I due to get married in 4 weeks. He's been withdrawn and cold to me for a few weeks, since returning from working away over the summer. I thought he was getting depressed, and yesterday asked him if he'd consider going to a GP about it. I'd also noticed that whenever any wedding stuff came up he sort of closed down, so I asked him if everything was okay with us (he was excited and involved in wedding planning before.)

His response was to say he wanted to go to Relate to deal with the "fact" that I cheated on him back in 2013 and try to work through my betrayal.

I have not ever cheated on him. I feel completely bewildered and hurt.

When I sat with my mouth hanging open and asked what the fuck he meant, he launched into a long convoluted list of "evidence". I was crying and in shock so I am not sure I have this all right but this is the gist...

1. I had a positive result for chlamydia in 2013 after getting a screen as part of investigations into UTIs. I was gutted at the time and cried when I told him, as I felt awful that I had an STI and would have given it to him. He has taken this as a sign of guilty conscience.

1. His test came back negative, which he says must mean I had caught it only recently, and not before we got together (in 2009.) Ergo had slept with someone else.

1. I have a gmail email, and unbeknownst to me (or him) a full stop in your gmail address doesn't matter so you can send with or without. Once I sent him an email without the full stop in...so he thinks I have a "secret second account" for, I don't know, organising secret shagathons.

The gmail thing is batshit and easily explained so he gets that. The chlamydia thing I cannot explain. I KNOW I have been faithful. I can only think mine was a false positive? Or his a false negative?

This is completely and utterly out of character. I thought we were in love and happy, bar the last few weeks of coldness from him. I am on a train to my sister, devastated and confused.

Tell him you've changed your mind about this weekend. Why on earth shouldn't he be inconvenienced by having to find his own accommodation? I'm presuming that'll be less inconvenience than you having to cancel your wedding

Tell him as far as you are concerned you are not together anymore. You would be willing to consider a reconciliation, once he has had counselling/found himself but that he shouldn't be doing that for you - he should be doing it for himself because running out 4 weeks before a wedding due to made up lies is not normal.

He's being unbelievably selfish and cruel.

I think you need to see some actual fucking understanding from him of what he's done, of the sheer bloody magnitude of the consequences of his own actions, before you can go forward in any way with this relationship. "I'm doing all this for you" is just a total copout, and the most colossal minimalisation of his actions and his responsibility. What are you supposed to do? Give him a round of applause for being so "brave"?

You don't need me to tell you how deep a wound he's inflicted. Couples can and do get through such things, but it takes enormous work and also proper, deep-seated, thoroughgoing contrition. This will ALWAYS be an issue between you - forever - you will never forget it. It can't be fixed, only grown around. If you go forward, if you get married, you will always be looking over your shoulder at this moment. And to be completely honest, he doesn't sound like he's worth the effort of living like that.

Oh dear. I've been reading since the beginning, because your partner's behaviour (turning cold, blaming you for his inability to work) sounded so much like my XH's.

He's making it all your fault. Counselling 'for you'? No. If that's why he's doing it then he won't get anything out of it, because he's there for the wrong reasons. At the very least you need a complete break - doesn't have to be forever, if he truly is ill and needs to work on himself. But I suspect, when he finds that he still can't write, and is still putting on weight, even with you out of the picture, he'll never speak to you again, because he'll have to face up to the fact that it's all him. While he CAN blame you, he WILL.

As a PP said, his coldness towards you, when a normal person would have had the instinct to put their arms around you and give you a hug, would be the final nail in the coffin of the relationship.

Wow he's doing counseling for you!
He doesn't get that he was supposed to be in therapy for himself to work out why he'd made up lies believed own lies & accused his fiancee of cheating 1 month before wedding.
He has broken any trust thru revealing his distrust of you that apparently he's been holding onto for several years.
But he's doing it all for you !!!
He needs to respectfully stay away and definitely sort own accommodation while he works out his issues for himself and reflect on the emotional turmoil he's put you through.

You are allowed to change your mind OP - tell him he cannot stay. I would probably change the locks just in case (you lost your keys and had to change them)

It's his responsibility to find somewhere to stay, not yours.

Do not let the man back into your Home OP.. WTAF ?!

He sounds awful op. You are way, way too good for him. He will 100% hurt you again in the future. Be strong

OP I can understand how this must be incredibly heartbreaking and on the one hand you are worried about the person you love going through a tough time etc but him trying to make this not his fault is absolutely despicable. He needs to understand and accept that he has hurt you deeply and regardless for the reasons he did what he did he needs to accept responsibility for it and show some bloody remorse! You are not his carer.

I'm sorry to say this but I think he is projecting his own feelings and actions onto you.

I think he's been unfaithful and h'es deflecting onto you

Oh yes Oh ys. My thoughts exactly. RED FLAG

I had a positive result for chlamydia in 2013 after getting a screen as part of investigations into UTIs. I was gutted at the time and cried when I told him, as I felt awful that I had an STI and would have given it to him. He has taken this as a sign of guilty conscience.

1. His test came back negative, which he says must mean I had caught it only recently, and not before we got together (in 2009.) Ergo had slept with someone else.

Are you sure his test was negative? Or only His word for it??

Op is on the road to nowhere, cue 3 years later on here with a child now and no money, being told about women's aid. Come on op wise up.

bigfatbumfreak I understand it's frustrating to read about women seeming to give feckless men chance after chance. I've felt it myself. But I am in deep shock and my responses aren't always rational. It's taking a while to accept the new reality.

I will not be working on things or having children with him. I know it is over.

Don't let him manipulate you into feeling sorry for him, OP. He has done this. You've done nothing wrong. And I agree with PPs who think it's all projection.

Fakefur I'm so sorry Take care, and come back if you need to.

Hey, I'm not frustrated I'm just sad that men pull this crap. I'm a lot older and so many of my friends exs exhibited this behaviour, and now their lives are a misery, even divorced.

Maybe I'm over invested. I just don't want to see it happen again, to anyone. Xx best wishes.

Hi Fakefur just wanted to say I'm thinking of you and hope things got sorted about sharing your home while you work through things.

Fakefur - I am still thinking of you. It's rare that a thread on here stays with me, but yours really has. I found myself wondering how you were doing while I was pairing socks this morning (ah, my glamorous life).

You are dealing with this so bravely. It is SO hard to accept that a long term relationship is over. I don't mean knowing in your head that it's over, I mean accepting it emotionally, at the deepest level... which is so often the level of simple basic habit. I'm really glad you have family around you, but sometimes there is anger that you need to vent that it's not socially acceptable to vent with the people who love you, and there's also this horrible pressure to look like you're coping when inside your guts are melting with anxiety and you feel like every step of everyday life is an effort. We are here to handhold if you need to rage or to have a temporary collapse.

Hi everyone.

guilty thanks for your lovely message, which I've just seen.

I'm back here as this has taken a bizarre turn. I was packing up his stuff today as I've asked him to move his stuff out while I'm away on holiday over half term. (I know this makes me sound like the world's biggest doormat, but it was also for me, to have his stuff out of "my" spaces and all in the spare room, and so he can just "get in and get out" when he comes round when I'm not here.)

I confess I looked through his stuff a bit as I did so. I found a plastic bag stuffed in a jacket pocket, with seven pairs of knickers, none of them mine. When I called him (on my friend's phone who he is staying with, he didn't pick up when I called his phone) he spoke very flatly and just said "yep" when I said what I'd found. He claims it's a fetish and he "collects" them. (So, steals them, I guess.) He denies any OW. All of the knickers are the same size and "style".

I don't know what the fuck to think. He's been cheating, and kept trophies? He's a knicker stealer? He has this whole sexual side of him I've never seen in eight years of sex with him? He's never seemed remotely interested in lingerie at all! But then- it is SUCH a weird thing to lie about. I did say on the phone that since we've split up he has nothing to lose by telling me the truth. He insisted he wasn't lying. (I do see the irony of me now becoming the jealous one.)

No scenario makes me feel not shit. I feel completely freaked out, like he is a total stranger.

This is after a maybe smaller thing in hindsight which was him telling me he's been deregistered from uni since last year. So possibly he's just been pretending to work on a phd he knew was no longer happening (though he claims he only just found himself as been burying his head in the sand.) Apparently uni are now offering him therapy and giving him the chance to finish it.

I was actually feeling I was coping okay before today. I've been seeing a counsellor through work, who's been great, and just hiding in work generally. I'd even started writing again a bit. Now I feel like the ground has fallen from under me all over again.

...And geekywombat!

Oh good lord OP. The more I read, the more you've had a massive lucky escape. Of course many people have kinks and that's fine, but I can't even imagine being married to someone for a few years and then finding out they have something like this that they've kept from you completely. That's if it's the truth, I find it strange. Perhaps they're all the same size because he's buying and wearing them, not because he's sleeping with one person - and even if he were, you'd have to have a fetish to keep all their underwear when you're engaged to someone else. It's interesting you say he's never been interested in you wearing it so I'd say it's likely he's wearing it.

I'd be more concerned about the uni thing - so he's been pretending to continue with his PhD for that long? What was he going to do longterm? Were you supporting him through this financially?

Sounds to me like you didn't know this guy as well as you thought which must be really shocking. I'm so sorry x

I'm sorry you've taken another knock.
I would assume 'trophies' as well to be honest.
Keep going.
You are doing all the right things.
It will take time but you will get there.

Thanks Tammy.

It did occur to me that he wears them. I don’t know. I’m not a prude at all and thought we had a good sex life and I don’t understand why if he had this fetish he didn’t ever want to include me. But then, if he’s telling the truth I do find it very uncomfortable that he’s stolen women’s private stuff. I mean, do they belong to our female friends? Does he take them from laundrettes? Does he get off on the lack of consent angle? It freaks me out, so I suppose I am not as open minded as I thought.

I have been supporting him yes, although had been trying hard to help him find a job in the last year, as he was so miserable. I said before the summer that he should walk away from the PhD if it made him so unhappy, but he reminded me that when he wanted to quit a couple of years ago I talked him out of it. That’s true as I just felt he should have something to show for all that work (and yes, also I would have been a bit pissed off about the money.) But he wasn’t so low about PhD back then.

I spoke to my sister about knickers last night and she said it will help me to detach in the long run. It’s true that although it’s definitely over I’ve been struggling with feeling I’ve abandoned him when he’s having some kind of breakdown. Now I feel like this marriage was always doomed. I find it frightening that I got it so very wrong. I really believed he was the love of my life.

Sorry x post! Thank you Melons.

I really, really feel for you. What a shock Have been following this since the start and rooting for you. . I would guess he stole them when he was away, from womens bedrooms and laundry baskets. The whole thing is a common fetish, but I know I would personally run from anyone who would be so disrespectful and desperate as to actually steal knickers and especially when they have a partner. I'd be hurt at him getting off on someone else's clothes and scent. It is also horrible he hid this from you and was so blasé about it.

At least now you have something to hold on to I guess to keep you extra strong. And you are very far from pathetic, you've dealt with this admirably and with a compassion I know I wouldn't have had in your situation Chin up and run, don't walk, into your bright perv free future :)

Big shock. No wonder you feel floored again.

But your sister is right. He is not the man for you and has been lying and almost certainly cheating. You are right to be concerned about the lack of consent angle with knicker stealing.

It will not feel like this now but I guarantee in time you will feel so relieved you never married him. You have dodged a massive bullet.