DP has accused me of cheating on him

[AllFakeFurCoatAndNoSpanx]

On phone and crying snotty mess so apologies for errors.

DP and I due to get married in 4 weeks. He's been withdrawn and cold to me for a few weeks, since returning from working away over the summer. I thought he was getting depressed, and yesterday asked him if he'd consider going to a GP about it. I'd also noticed that whenever any wedding stuff came up he sort of closed down, so I asked him if everything was okay with us (he was excited and involved in wedding planning before.)

His response was to say he wanted to go to Relate to deal with the "fact" that I cheated on him back in 2013 and try to work through my betrayal.

I have not ever cheated on him. I feel completely bewildered and hurt.

When I sat with my mouth hanging open and asked what the fuck he meant, he launched into a long convoluted list of "evidence". I was crying and in shock so I am not sure I have this all right but this is the gist...

1. I had a positive result for chlamydia in 2013 after getting a screen as part of investigations into UTIs. I was gutted at the time and cried when I told him, as I felt awful that I had an STI and would have given it to him. He has taken this as a sign of guilty conscience.

1. His test came back negative, which he says must mean I had caught it only recently, and not before we got together (in 2009.) Ergo had slept with someone else.

1. I have a gmail email, and unbeknownst to me (or him) a full stop in your gmail address doesn't matter so you can send with or without. Once I sent him an email without the full stop in...so he thinks I have a "secret second account" for, I don't know, organising secret shagathons.

The gmail thing is batshit and easily explained so he gets that. The chlamydia thing I cannot explain. I KNOW I have been faithful. I can only think mine was a false positive? Or his a false negative?

This is completely and utterly out of character. I thought we were in love and happy, bar the last few weeks of coldness from him. I am on a train to my sister, devastated and confused.

You sound great. He’s an idiot.

Just read the full thread, hope you are doing ok OP.

How are you doing, AllFakeFur?

Just read the full thread and wanted to echo previous posters that you sound like an intelligent, kind, fab woman with lots of lovely support. You deserve better than this and I hope you get it and whatever unfolds in the next few weeks you do ok.

Be kind to yourself

Thanks for checking in everyone.

I'm back at home and he is staying with friends. He's started therapy today and seems to understand that this is about him. He says he needs help (I agree!) I haven't seen him since this all happened though- this has all been messages.

My work have been amazing and are arranging counselling for me. Everyone has been so kind as message filters through that wedding is cancelled. My Mum is staying with me for a bit as although going back to work has really helped (you can't think about anything else while teaching!) going home afterwards has set me off.

I am very up and down but trying to stay strong and just be nice to myself.

So glad you've got support from your mum. You are doing amazingly well even if it doesn't always seem like it! Be kind to yourself.

Forgot to say I won't be going to the Relate appointment tomorrow. I know we'll have to meet at some point but I don't want to see him (although of course a huge part of me does.)

I'm glad you updated. I've been thinking of you.

Absolutely this is all about him and I'm pleased that he accepts that and is seeking individual therapy.

Up and down is totally normal at an emotional time like this. Lean on whatever support you need and keep talking.

I find the Samaritans brilliant. 116123. You don't need to be suicidal to call them.

Good idea not to see Relate now. He needs to sort himself first. Maybe in the future but not now. You're doing brilliantly.

FakeFur good to hear your update, which is as positive as it could possibly be at this shitty point I think. Being kind to yourself is exactly the right thing and do continue to lean on all these great people. I suspect you're getting a lot of help and support and understanding all round because everyone knows you are a great, sane and lovely person - that's how you come across here. Your P is a knob. Best of luck to him for his therapy and all but, he really is.

No major decisions yet, one day at a time etc. I hope your own counselling is helpful.

Been thinking of you op. So glad your mum is staying, you have such a lovely family. It must feel like your heart is ripping into a thousand pieces but amazingly, you are on the right track. This is the reset your lives needed. My mum used to say to me, every pot has a lid. He may not have been the right 'lid'.

The friends he is staying with have messaged me to ask what I want to do and if he can move back this weekend (I'm away at sister's again). My friend is pregnant and ill, and I think she can't take the stress.

I messaged him to ask if he had anywhere to stay and (stupidly, I know) said he can stay here until Sunday night when I'm back. I added that we will need to talk on Sunday night, that we can't live together at the moment and I am deciding if we can be together at all.

This was his reply:
I assume that we’re still together. I mean, you’re the reason I’ve been getting counseling and going to relate. I understand that you’re hurt and upset with me but I haven’t given up.I’m up for talking. At the very least so I can know where we stand.

He then sent me a follow up thanking me for letting him stay.

I mean, I know I am a sap letting him stay but REALLY? He's going to counselling for me? He's not giving up on us?! He has done this! A week ago I was booking final details for our wedding and now I am on the floor!

Sunday night will have to be curtains, right? I need to ask for my key back and start thinking of myself as single don't I?

Or is this all part of the illness?

Even if it is I have to demand a break at least.

Shit. I know. My Mum's face was a picture when I told her.

I suppose I also have some work to do on my "rescue the sad little boy" act.

He doesn't really get it with his "I understand you're hurt and upset". "Hurt and upset" is a reaction to some normal transgression within an understood life frame. Your life for the last four years was declared false and he became someone you didn't recognise.

The whole thing will be doomed regardless of what either of you want while he doesn't understand how serious this thing is that he's done. He's had one bloody therapy session.

So yes, you need a break. This is way too early to make ANY kind of decision. Some kind of interim decision-making about who lives where for now, but that's it.

So is the subtext to all this "I'm going to therapy for us" that he knows damn well you didn't cheat? If so it's bloody cowardly and shitty of him not to say so and I can only assume and hope he's working up to it.

I've been reading your thread with huge sympathy for you. I really dislike your partner for pulling this kind of selfish bollocks so close to your wedding. It may well be pre-wedding jitters but the sheer cruelty and selfishness of it really crosses that line being used an excuse.
I think the two parts of your story that makes me think you should walk away, is when he saw you in considerable distress and did nothing, and that he has been sitting on this fantasy he has for a number of years.
That he could both ignore you when you were in such pain and essentially lie to you for years is complete shit.
You simply can't recover from all that, it will always colour anything that happens in the future between you- and while the start of this scenario may have been his trust issues, you now have REAL ones of your own. You won't trust he will have your back in times of trouble( because you know he's happy to just watch when you are devastated), and you won't trust what he says he feels ( given he's been festering away mentally for years in silence with no cause).
If you can, I'd withdraw the offer to have him stay whether you are there or not. Ask him to leave the key elsewhere or organize for the locks to be changed while you are away. You are justified in making his life a little challenging for him. Meet him away from your house, inconvenience him a bit. Petty , I know but .......I think he really is missing how bad this has been for you.
Sending you alot of love from a long way away.

I mean, you’re the reason I’ve been getting counseling and going to relate.

Are you supposed to be grateful? Surely he should be getting counselling and going to Relate because he thinks he needs help, not because you think he needs help

Hi I know this is really horrible to say but did you see a letter or hear on the phone from the docter that his result was negative ? My partner (ex) went the exact same way towards me after ten years together. I was pregnant at the time and had a chlamydia test done me only ever being with him and me thinking the same about him I didn't give the result of the test two thoughts . Then on another appointment with anti natal she sat me down and said it was positive! I was bawling my eyes out at this point heading back to the car where he was waiting and he flipped out and accused me of cheating ! 😂 and then lied and said he had a test done after that and his as negative . He finally admitted it was him a few months later but by then it was too late I had already left x

It's perfectly possible to sleep with someone who has chlamydia and not catch it, especially if you are using condoms. If he really thought that then he would have accused you of cheating a long time sfoz something else is up.

Take the time you need to reflect on it and do what's right for you. You've had 8 years with him, we're seeing a small snapshot on the internet.

Take however much time you need, be kind to yourself and decide what's in your best interests - what meets your needs. There's no manual for how to deal with this, only you and your intuition, your feelings and your ability to analyse and decide rationally.

I know it's easy to psycho analyse from my laptop, but it sounds like he's blaming you for him putting on weight and not writing. That's really unfair. Depression can make people quite selfish, and look to blame others for their problems, but he's saying that everything's all your fault - his weight, his lack of work, his depression, you cheating, him going to therapy etc. Everything is your fault/you making him like this. He's not accepting any liability for his own behaviour.

Until he can start dealing with his own problems for himself, he can't be a good partner to anybody. He may have been faking it, or managing to drift along being kind but silently resenting you, but right now, there's no chance that the two of you can be happy together.

Your family sound amazing, and I'm sure that seeing these great relationships with the people you love have helped you to see what is wrong here, but it must be awful for you.

Don't let him stay around for long, and do everything you can to buy him out of that 10%.

Just a guess - did he start having problems with his work & weight as you sold a book? (For which, HUGE respect btw).

I think he needs to find somewhere else to stay so that you can have a proper break, clear your head and work out what your next step is. If you're going to talk I think it needs to be on neutral territory, not at home. He needs to have a good long think about taking responsibility for his actions and their consequences.

Change your mind, tell him he can't stay.

He is still looking for you to give him an out.

So he can play it as "she didn't want to work on it".

Dump him anyway OP, no decent man does this 4 weeks before a wedding.

(I was dumped 2 weeks before a wedding, so I feel your pain).