DP has accused me of cheating on him

[AllFakeFurCoatAndNoSpanx]

On phone and crying snotty mess so apologies for errors.

DP and I due to get married in 4 weeks. He's been withdrawn and cold to me for a few weeks, since returning from working away over the summer. I thought he was getting depressed, and yesterday asked him if he'd consider going to a GP about it. I'd also noticed that whenever any wedding stuff came up he sort of closed down, so I asked him if everything was okay with us (he was excited and involved in wedding planning before.)

His response was to say he wanted to go to Relate to deal with the "fact" that I cheated on him back in 2013 and try to work through my betrayal.

I have not ever cheated on him. I feel completely bewildered and hurt.

When I sat with my mouth hanging open and asked what the fuck he meant, he launched into a long convoluted list of "evidence". I was crying and in shock so I am not sure I have this all right but this is the gist...

1. I had a positive result for chlamydia in 2013 after getting a screen as part of investigations into UTIs. I was gutted at the time and cried when I told him, as I felt awful that I had an STI and would have given it to him. He has taken this as a sign of guilty conscience.

1. His test came back negative, which he says must mean I had caught it only recently, and not before we got together (in 2009.) Ergo had slept with someone else.

1. I have a gmail email, and unbeknownst to me (or him) a full stop in your gmail address doesn't matter so you can send with or without. Once I sent him an email without the full stop in...so he thinks I have a "secret second account" for, I don't know, organising secret shagathons.

The gmail thing is batshit and easily explained so he gets that. The chlamydia thing I cannot explain. I KNOW I have been faithful. I can only think mine was a false positive? Or his a false negative?

This is completely and utterly out of character. I thought we were in love and happy, bar the last few weeks of coldness from him. I am on a train to my sister, devastated and confused.

Fizzy - I made it abundantly plain in my post that I did not think PhD stress was in any way an "excuse".

Sorry yes you did, I don't question that - apologies, I should have made that clearer. It would have been better to say that this is so far beyond being attributable to stress from PhD or anything else really.

My money is on a far more direct link with the cage he has started rattling. Infidelity - but his, not OPs.

Apologies again.

guilty100 That is just a brilliant summary. Stronger because you made space for a some thought for what may have caused him to behave as he did. I also agree with "Does this change anything for you? Absolutely not. "
The poor OP has lost so much innocence, learning to trust again will be so hard.
Life is so cruel. I am just so glad she has had help fom MNers, colleagues, family, and it seems, complete strangers on the train.

Whilst it is good that you have RL support, I think you need to go home, to be honest. At the moment, he feels like the wronged party, and rather than talking this through, you have run away. That may in itself add fuel to his "fire".

Yes, of course he could have cheated over the summer. Also, he may have actually done nothing of the sort, and may have just had a lot of time to himself, to think.....he feels unsure whether you cheated, and is now having a meltdown, what with the wedding being so close.

I think Chlamydia can lay dormant for up to 20 years. At least that what some medical websites say. Print some info off, that shows this, to give to him.

Whilst this is a horrible argument between you, it doesn't have to be the end. But, with you at different locations and not communicating, no steps forward will be had.

You need a calm, face to face conversation, asap.

Ask him to leave your house. Prepare to pay the 10% out to him. Tell him the wedding is off, cancel what you can and take control back. As soon as you are ready, but as soon as you can. There is no coming back from this - the trust is shot to hell no matter how you look at it.

Learn to trust anyone I mean.

I was worrying would she complete the train journey OK.

Mine used t accuse me of cheating on him in the past and that he had forgiven me. Nothing more maddening than being "forgiven" for something you haven't done. In reality I think it was a way t always have something to hold over me, so I fell over myself trying to prove him wrong etc, and he had an excuse for behaving like a twat. Also when
I finally broke up with him he tried to contact my dad to tell him about my cheating ways in the hope my dad would give me a talking to, tell me I was a fool for leaving him etc. my dad wasn't interested in doing any of this btw. Oh yes, also when we broke up but we're in the same house he was so infuriated by me moving to the spare bedroom that he went on a half hour rant (I timed it) about how he didn't need me to have sex with, he could pay prostitutes x among int an hour and he'd done it in the pat too. So yes, he was cheating on me alll along. TWAT.

Have you still not heard from him? That alone is just bizarre, anyone 4 weeks away from a wedding and in love would want to try and sort things out, one way or another. Thank goodness you have a lovely family, let them look after you.

Sorry, I know my post was a bit me me me. What I meant to say was don't be tempted to start again if he pops up desperate to make it work because he's "forgiven" you/wants to move on from it etc because he will just use it in the future every time he feels like making you feel bad.

Yup. Got this with my ex - always thought I was having it off with anybody, was capable, etc. I was always having to prove I wasn't. It killed our relationship deader than actual cheating would have done, IMHO.

Stay strong - you're doing the right thing.

PhDs do not make you gaslight your beloved about chlamydia and cheating. What bollocks. If he was down he might have a low mood, but going full on Walter Mitty is not part of that.

Thanks for all of your messages and PMs. You're brilliant.

I have heard from him, he sent me a message confirming the Relate appointment and asking if I was okay.

I sent this back:

^I am not okay. I am devastated. I am really struggling to understand what is happening.

I don't think that I can wait until Thursday to talk or get some answers. I have been trying to imagine the reasons for this, and I keep coming back to the idea that you want out, you don't want to marry me, and this is your "reason". You have withdrawn from me since Scotland, which makes me think you met someone else, or the time apart made you realise you want out. Either way, to do this four weeks before the wedding suggests to me that you are looking for a route out.

It's a very cruel way to end things and I am really struggling with the fact that you walked past me while I was sobbing and were just calmly working when I came back as though nothing had happened, whereas I was shaking so badly I couldn't write on the whiteboard. That together with your coldness to me since Scotland makes me feel you don't love me anymore. Feelings change and you are entitled to end things for that reason. But the way you are treating me is appalling.

I have never cheated on you. I have never so much as kissed anyone else, because I have been in love with you since 2009 and would never risk our relationship. The chlamydia to me is a red herring. I think you just want this to be over, and need a reason other than you've fallen out of love with me.^

He replied:

^I can’t articulate enough that none of this is the case: I haven’t met anyone, I do care about you, and I still love you. But this is something I’ve been struggling with for a long time, and I wish I could deal with it.

Since 2013 it’s been eating me everyday. I’ve become depressed, not just because of it, but it’s played a big part of it. I haven’t written anything meaningful since then, I’ve put on weight. I’m not saying that you did anything but I just wanted to finally talk about it in a way that was going to be constructive. I don’t know what else to say if you can’t wait til Thursday.^

It went on from there and he apologised for hurting me but I still feel so fucking sad and hurt. This magical thinking where Thursday's appointment will make everything better is just bizarre, as is the strange illogic of "I don't think you did anything but".

My Mum took me for a pootle round Clapton. Got our nails done. Had some coffee. Talked about it, didn't talk about it, cried, talked about it again. It's feeling more and more over every second, but I keep getting these awful slivers of hope that he's just lost it and will grovel and it will all magically be fine. I know that's wrong.

I totally think this is recoverable.

He has been harboring these thoughts, not verbalising them, and now it's all come to a head.

Prove to him that chlamydia can indeed lay dormant, for more years than you have been together. There are plenty of documents on line, that show this to be the case. Crikey, offer to take a lie detector if you have to how very Jeremy Kyle

Relationships have come back from far worse than this.

If you both love one another, it is worth trying to sort this now, once and for all.

Good luck!

HOW MANY times can you tell him you didn't cheat? A falsehood that he still holds over your head with absolutely no proof. Honestly, tell him to fuck off. I promise that if you stay with him, he will continue to hold this over your head forever.

My exh pulled this 5 weeks before our wedding when I was 5 months pregnant. It was projection. He was being unfaithful and kept it up until after the birth of our second child.

Well my response would be

Well now it's making me think that if I got STI in 2013 then I must have got it from you.
You never did show me your results and that's now playing on my mind.
I KNOW I didn't cheat. But you might have and you might have passed it onto me.

I'm not sure you can get past this now.
His timing is piss poor.
So for 4 years his resentment for you has built and built.
I'm not sure what miracle he is looking for on Thursday.
But I would certainly turn it back on him now.

For what it’s worth, OP, as much as I think he’s treated you absolutely appallingly and the ball will be in YOUR court as to whether you can ever recover from this betrayal of trust - I can believe that he’s had some kind of breakdown and that’s what’s triggered this behaviour. Honestly, something similar happened to my DH and it was just... baffling, and awful to watch, even though we weren’t together at the time.

Good grief, he's now blaming you for his lack of academic productivity!

And if he's capable of doing the research for a PhD, he's capable of researching the rates of false positives for STIs.

So now he's saying nothing happened in Scotland and you're to blame for all his difficulties since 2013? Twat.

He could be obsessing in a depressed way about it. In that way that logic and readsurance doesn't permeate. Goodness knows, my emotions were on a weird rollercoaster before I got married.

I'd say to him, no you go to the appointment and sort yourself out. The fact you still want us both to go on Thursday tells me that you think this total fantasy of yours has some validity. It doesn't. If you've been harbouring these thoughts for a long while and now that you've voiced them to me and I'm telling you I haven't cheated and you don't actually believe me, then that speaks volumes about your opinion of me. Sort yourself out or this marriage isn't going to happen.

So he has been unproductive since 2013 and is still trying to do a PhD? And nothing happened in Scotland to precipitate a change in behaviour? In that time, he has continued with a relationship normally and proposed and got to within 4 weeks of the wedding.

I am not sure what you can do on Thursday other than say you did not cheat ever. Again. If he does not believe this, there is nothing more that you can do.

I have known people come back from worse, but the one who cheated was completely upfront about what they did and what they did wrong so they could work on it.

Ignore everything before the but as it is completely meaningless.

You have told him you didn't cheat. Does he expect you to go 'actually I did' in front of a 3rd party?

This is his issue and only he can fix it.

Deep down do you really believe what he is saying about it affecting him for the last 4 years or do you think he is gas-lighting you?

Either way this cannot be resolved in 4 weeks.

Use your DM & DS to help you call all the caterers etc and get everything on hold. Ask them to contact your guests so they can try and get anything back or not pay for stuff before it is too late.

What FantasticButtocks said. Send him that.

Buttocks is right. You could also throw in 'I'm afraid I just don't believe you'.

So sorry OP

Possibly helpful hypotheticals: supposing there is no infidelity on his part, he did totally lose it for some reason and he did grovel and say so.

Would that magically make it better? Would you still be able to look him in the eye in four weeks' time and get married to him? Can you see yourselves laughing about this years down the line, and can you see yourself completely forgetting what he's done the last couple of days?