DP has accused me of cheating on him

[AllFakeFurCoatAndNoSpanx]

On phone and crying snotty mess so apologies for errors.

DP and I due to get married in 4 weeks. He's been withdrawn and cold to me for a few weeks, since returning from working away over the summer. I thought he was getting depressed, and yesterday asked him if he'd consider going to a GP about it. I'd also noticed that whenever any wedding stuff came up he sort of closed down, so I asked him if everything was okay with us (he was excited and involved in wedding planning before.)

His response was to say he wanted to go to Relate to deal with the "fact" that I cheated on him back in 2013 and try to work through my betrayal.

I have not ever cheated on him. I feel completely bewildered and hurt.

When I sat with my mouth hanging open and asked what the fuck he meant, he launched into a long convoluted list of "evidence". I was crying and in shock so I am not sure I have this all right but this is the gist...

1. I had a positive result for chlamydia in 2013 after getting a screen as part of investigations into UTIs. I was gutted at the time and cried when I told him, as I felt awful that I had an STI and would have given it to him. He has taken this as a sign of guilty conscience.

1. His test came back negative, which he says must mean I had caught it only recently, and not before we got together (in 2009.) Ergo had slept with someone else.

1. I have a gmail email, and unbeknownst to me (or him) a full stop in your gmail address doesn't matter so you can send with or without. Once I sent him an email without the full stop in...so he thinks I have a "secret second account" for, I don't know, organising secret shagathons.

The gmail thing is batshit and easily explained so he gets that. The chlamydia thing I cannot explain. I KNOW I have been faithful. I can only think mine was a false positive? Or his a false negative?

This is completely and utterly out of character. I thought we were in love and happy, bar the last few weeks of coldness from him. I am on a train to my sister, devastated and confused.

"I haven’t written anything meaningful since then, I’ve put on weight."

This is at the heart of his message, and I'll bet it's at the heart of the problem as well. My guess is that his PhD is probably in the arts and humanities, though maybe the social sciences, but certainly not the hard sciences - hence the emphasis on the writing? It sounds like it's really not going well, and that he's been hiding that from everyone, maybe even including himself. How far is he off completion? Is he also nearing some crunch points?

He's blaming you because he can't confront the fact that he's not able to produce. I know first hand how easy it is to blame just about anything else for a failure to write. It's such a very hard thing to do, and it can really sap all of your confidence, to the point that selfish, self-absorbed people have recourse to all kinds of strange and unhealthy mechanisms for making themselves feel that It Is Not Them That Is At Fault. The fact that he's willing to throw you under a bus, though, shows how utterly blinkered he is right now. His whole self-worth and ego are at stake here. It probably feels to him right how that his entire sense of self is crumbling.

The wedding may well have brought this to the fore, because he's bound to get a load of questions about how it's going, and he's also very much in the public eye, so his appearance will be scrutinized.

He needs help. He has been an utter, utter cunt. His priorities and values are all over the place. But it's not your job to "fix" him and nor do I suggest you try. I think you need to pull back and think very, very carefully about whether this is the guy for you. People who are very caught up in these things, to this extent, often make really selfish partners in the longer term. Not all academics are horrific, but a disproportionately high number are far too invested in their work, and far to little invested in their families.

If I'm right about this all being one factor at work, then behind his action there is a self that desperately needs work to be worthy of being in a relationship, and a person who has a serious work/life balance problem. Neither of those things make someone caring and kind, and both are very long-term problems.

He's been obsessing about it for 4 years and it has stopped him working and made him fat and depressed but he never mentioned anything until 4 weeks before the wedding
What a fucking tool

(Oh, and I absoulutely agree, you should send buttocks text. He is the one with the problem, NOT you.)

I'd be pointing out to him that what you have written above in message is exactly what will/would be said on Thursday and every Thursday in front of a Relate stranger and every other counselor. That this issue is his to solve, he created it himself and there is no magic words that will be revealed in front of a third party. The truth has been told and you cannot go on begging to be believed for another 4 years from now!

Whoa there people. Working away from home is not "evidence" of being unfaithful like many of you seem to be citing.
And it is much easier for a women to catch an STI like Chlamydia than for a man. We had this ourselves, it's quite possible for the female in a couple to have chlamydia and not the man. It doesn't necessarily point to unfaithfulness.

You seem to have got completely the wrong end of the stick there Two.

www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/m/pubmed/6771879/

This (from a reputable source) describes how 28% of male partners of women with chlamydia contracted it themselves. Sample size around 150. As others have said, it's less readily transmitted from women to men.

I agree it's a red herring for his mental illness/cheating/changing feelings/PhD stress- who knows. But you do deserve far better and will no doubt find that one day

Twols
But HE thinks the only way op caught it was by being unfaithful.
He doesn't believe it could have been a false positive. It really doesn't matter if he has been unfaithful or not now. He harboured this grudge against op for years without telling her and is now putting the blame for everything on ops shoulders not his own. A session with a councillor isn't going to change much.

He detached completely and only considered his own feelings in this. Despite seeing op in tears in the street and a shaking mess at home he ignored her and got on with what he wanted to do. Says all you need to know really.

Still sounds like something happened in Scotland. Still sounds like he's using the chlamydia as an excuse.

OP what does he mean by "but I just wanted to finally talk about it in a way that was going to be constructive."? How can this be serious when he responded to your suggestion of seeing his GP for depression with ' "he wanted to go to Relate to deal with the "fact" that I cheated on him back in 2013 and try to work through my betrayal."

I mean, how can he allege he wants a constructive discussion after outright calling you a cheat, years after the event and weeks before a marriage? And if he previously was excited planning the wedding, did his 'depression' just disappear for that period?

I am afraid I don't believe a word he says. He has been cold since Scotland. If it looks like a duck...

If you do go to Relate I would make one simple statement, e.g. I have never cheated on x, then I would give him both barrels. I don't believe this is about 2013. He think he has been cheating and is looking for an excuse to cancel the wedding.

Going against the grain here but I feel a bit sorry for him.

Sounds like he's got himself totally tangled up emotionally and mentally and is jumping to irrational conclusions. Does he have a problem with anxiety generally? To me it sounds like anxiety that's muddling his thinking.

I know the feeling if so. It happens to me occasionally.

Life changes - like weddings - can trigger things like this.

Maybe he needs a counsellor - individual - not couples.

Or suggest he rings the Samaritans to get some of it off his chest?

Not sure where it leaves you or the relationship though.

xxxx

I'm so angry on your behalf op He says it's been eating him every day since 2013, yet you say he's been lovely for eight years until Scotland and he made such a romantic proposal? Then he writes 'I'm not saying you did anything' yet he absolutely did. He set up the Relate appointment to discuss the 'fact' you cheated on him!

I am so angry for you. This guy is not who he pretended to be. And if doing a PHD gets him in this state, he has temperament issues.

Op, he's still a gas-lighting twat. Keep moving past him.

Totally recoverable! Pmsl....he accused the Op of giving him a STD...and cheating....ffs.

What's he going to ask her....is it really my child when they have one! No. Red flags on fire.

I feel sorry for the OP's DP. I agree with huskylover1 and think he's getting a terribly hard time here.

It sounds like he's depressed and isn't thinking rationally. As PP have said, he's obsessing about this. He said he's put on weight, which perhaps means his self-esteem is low and he feels insecure.

Sorry, but I think this is all very OTT and dramatic. PPs have whipped this up into a frenzy. Go home and talk to him. Find out what's really wrong. Don't throw away your relationship over this. Good luck.

Four weeks before your wedding gawd
I agree with others, if his result had been negative he would have paraded it.

I think he's determined to come out of this the good guy. He is demonising you to walk away the good guy when he knows that he is not that guy

I am agreement with everyone else. I don't think you can get married in 4 weeks as things stand anyway.

You correctly pinpointed the summer as the change in him, so whatever happened over the summer has something to do with this withdrawal from your relationship.

A deep breath, and a big conversation has to take place before you can make any decisions. You don't know he has cheated for sure, but you do know something is badly wrong with your relationship and it is definitely not coming from you.

The only one who needs therapy is him. He is gaslighting the hell out of you. He can't write, he's gained weight, and that's your fault? What is his end game if you go to relate with him? Does he want you to beg and grovel to "earn" his trust back? I think he's hoping to get approval and sympathy from the counselor to try and justify how he's treated you.

This is a horrible, tragic and heartbreaking disaster you've gone through, but I hope you're now seeing him for the weak and pathetic man he really is.

hope you're now seeing him for the weak and pathetic man he really is.

Really?

It sounds like the cyclical, illogical thinking of depression to me. Agree that Relate as a couple will get you nowhere until he goes to the GP.

Jesus. Just walk away.

You are SO lucky this has happened now.

You have seen how he is prepared to treat you.

That is the key thing.

He could have doubts, he could have stresses with work or health or ANYTHING else and that would be fine. It's really not about that. It's not about whether he fears you have been unfaithful. It is not about that. He could have handled this - if this is what is really at the root of this, and lots of people don't beleive it is - very differently. He could have shown you some kindness and respect and some recognition of all the years you have been together and he could have handled this soooo differently.

Instead you are distraught, at your mum's, unable to believe how he's suddenly turned into a monster.

This is about how he is prepared to treat you.

I have messaged him to say I am coming back on Sunday night to be at work for Monday and he needs to find somewhere else to stay. I will see him at Relate on Thursday, but will not be arguing any chlamydia points.

I have also told him we must cancel the wedding, as any way you look at it getting married at the end of October makes no sense.

Now watching Doctor Foster with wine and BiL's amazing cooking.

I will never forget the support of this thread. Thank you so much.