DP has accused me of cheating on him

[AllFakeFurCoatAndNoSpanx]

On phone and crying snotty mess so apologies for errors.

DP and I due to get married in 4 weeks. He's been withdrawn and cold to me for a few weeks, since returning from working away over the summer. I thought he was getting depressed, and yesterday asked him if he'd consider going to a GP about it. I'd also noticed that whenever any wedding stuff came up he sort of closed down, so I asked him if everything was okay with us (he was excited and involved in wedding planning before.)

His response was to say he wanted to go to Relate to deal with the "fact" that I cheated on him back in 2013 and try to work through my betrayal.

I have not ever cheated on him. I feel completely bewildered and hurt.

When I sat with my mouth hanging open and asked what the fuck he meant, he launched into a long convoluted list of "evidence". I was crying and in shock so I am not sure I have this all right but this is the gist...

1. I had a positive result for chlamydia in 2013 after getting a screen as part of investigations into UTIs. I was gutted at the time and cried when I told him, as I felt awful that I had an STI and would have given it to him. He has taken this as a sign of guilty conscience.

1. His test came back negative, which he says must mean I had caught it only recently, and not before we got together (in 2009.) Ergo had slept with someone else.

1. I have a gmail email, and unbeknownst to me (or him) a full stop in your gmail address doesn't matter so you can send with or without. Once I sent him an email without the full stop in...so he thinks I have a "secret second account" for, I don't know, organising secret shagathons.

The gmail thing is batshit and easily explained so he gets that. The chlamydia thing I cannot explain. I KNOW I have been faithful. I can only think mine was a false positive? Or his a false negative?

This is completely and utterly out of character. I thought we were in love and happy, bar the last few weeks of coldness from him. I am on a train to my sister, devastated and confused.

Sorry missed lots of messages there.

I know we have to cancel the wedding.

I am just so fucking sad. I thought he was the love of my life. I don't even understand what has happened.

Why would you forgive him if he has cheated?
Are you not worth much more than being with a cheater?
Why not wait for a man who is worthy of your views?

He was teaching at a summer school.

My idea- I even sent him the application. He wants to get into teaching so I thought it would be great experience for him.

It's not your fault, OP. I agree with PP that something may have happened over the summer and he's just too chickenshit to face up to things. In time you'll realise this isn't the sort of character you want in a life partner.

Do you have close friends & family you can confide in and who can take some of the reigns with the wedding stuff?

1. His result was not negative or he would have shown you it.
2. He gave you it in the first place but made out it was your fault to hide his guilt.
3. He has done it again and is trying to force you to end it to cover his tracks and you get all the blame.

LTB he is a sly, manipulative coward who hasnt got the balls to tell you the truth.
You deserve so much better.

He does not want to get married. That is what this is all about. Nothing else.

I think if you had been having unprotected sex for four years and you had chlamydia it would be unlikely that you hadn't passed it on to him (very unlikely). False positives and false negatives also can happen but the other option is that he in some way lied to you by either getting treated before he got tested again or lying to you about his result.

I'm so sorry OP this is an awful situation for you but I think for me now you have nothing to lose. Have an open, cards on the table conversation with him. If there is no reasonable explanation then end things.

Oh my goodness, this is AWFUL. I feel so sorry for you.

I have no idea whether your husband has cheated and is projecting, or whether he's seriously paranoid and delusional. What I do know is that neither is OK. Without wanting to minimise your suffering in this case, his behaviour is at best irrational and jealous and at worst highly manipulative.

I wonder if he's in the grip of some insane jealousy. There are people who just don't have that emotion under control, and who see cheating everywhere. It can easily become a terrible kind of abuse: partners have to account for everything they do, everywhere they go, and are always battling against a terrible demon. Without some level of trust and openness, I don't think a relationship can be healthy I'm afraid.

Why would he suddenly be upset now about something he thinks happened 4 years ago? It doesn't make sense.

What does make sense is that something's happened whilst he was away. Or, he's got cold feet and is over-thinking and going a bit mental over it all (wedding madness - it's a real thing!).

Try to stay calm and look after your own wellbeing. Maybe he's just not quite ready for married life yet and a postponement would be a good idea??

So you suggest he sees the GP for depression and he counters with going to Relate for suspected cheating four years ago? Agree with the others, he does not want to get married. Whether that's because he cheated or not, who knows and does it really matter? I know you feel heartbroken but honestly, far better to find out now than in a month's time.

Yes I have a great support network and am on the train to my sister's now. My Mum is also there.

My work have been amazing and covered my lessons for today and tomorrow. I was sent away from work when my wonderful year 10s kept asking "Miss what's wrong? Miss are you ok? Omg Miss have you been crying?" and I burst into tears.

I had given myself a stern talking to in the way to work to be strong, competent professional woman "HILARY CLINTON WOULD NOT CRY AT WORK" etc but alas, not to be.

Just wondering... is it possible he smoked a lot of dope whilst he was away?

Thank you so much MN. You are keeping me sane on this train journey.

Re pot...I don't think so... maybe? I am at a loss, nothing could surprise me more than his accusations yesterday.

If he's not ready to get married yet he will never be ready. It's been eight years.

I agree with Willow, you never saw his results. He's messed around when msg he was away and now he's using the past to try to justify it.

Don't marry him . Am only going from what youve posted but if he's backing off and throwing accusations about chlamydia then you're better off out - and without seeing a lab report stating his negative result ( and there are false negatives and positives for chlamydia ) then how do you know he's being truthful - your result could be a false positive , you could've harboured it from a previous relationship and been unaware , passage from you to him isn't inevitable - he's throwing a lot of unknowlegedable and in evidenced crap at you and as others have said red flags - this kind of behaviour will crop up again in the future but if you're ok with that then go ahead

Is there any close friend of his or a sibling that you can open up to about this, just to check he is not mentally unwell? How old is he op?

His actions speak louder than any words can say OP. Away all summer yet cold to you since his return, when this is meant to be the happiest time of your lives pre-marriage? Then this bolt from the blue, resurrecting a long finished issue of Chlamydia, a clear attempt to cowardly end things or at least put the wedding on hold, without the need for him to be honest.

Not the actions of a man worth marrying. I am so sorry, I know how much you are hurting. It may feel like you will never get over this but you will and believe me, you will look on this as a blessing in disguise when you do.

Another idea - do you think he's suffering some kind of acute anxiety crisis about the wedding and creating artificial reasons for the relationship not being 'right' to mask his own inability to control his nerves? I think this sometimes happens.

Did he propose to you Op? When was that?

Everything @Willow2017 said. Spot on.

SO sorry OP :-(

oh that is really crappy AllFake

I'm afraid I agree with the others re it likely he has cheated at summer school and is projecting onto you.
I'd put money on him having given you chlamydia too.

hope you are with your Mum & sister soon

Hilary Clinton would absolutely cry at work. She'd have a little snivvel in her office or the ladies bogs definitely.

You poor thing, embrace the snot. It shows you have heart. Please take care to be kind to yourself. I'm going to write the next bit in capitals just in case you think I am a bit shouty.

YOU HAVE DONE NOTHING WRONG

Sounds like you'll be well looked after with your sister and mum