I confessed to my boyfriend about my alcohol addiction-he has reacted badly

[Loula81]

So two days ago I confessed to my boyfriend of a year about my alcohol addiction and the fact that I’ve been sneaking drink. He hasn’t taken it well and I’m in a panic and don’t know what to do.

He says he’s trying to be supportive but is angry with me for lying and sees it as deceitful and a betrayal of trust. I honestly never thought he’d rect like this. It took me ages and a lot of courage to admit this to him. I thought he was already suspicious as many days I’ve been to the point of blackout while with him but he says he had no clue at all.

I suppose in a way I’m annoyed with him or is that just selfish of me? I mean, how can you live with somebody for 9 months and not notice this at all? I’ve been drinking up to half a litre, maybe more, of vodka everyday for months now and only just quit. He does triathlons and is out training most evenings but I still would have thought he’d see something was up.

I’m finding this hard to deal with. He shifts between saying he wants to support me through this, to saying how hurt he is that I lied to him. Please help! I've been awake since 4am and I’m now in work and can’t cope so this is a nightmare.

AA may not suit the OP. She won't know until she's tried it, though, will she?

As a partner of someone who just admitted their long teem addiction i am not suprised by the boyfriend's reaction. I appreciate your courage in eventually telling him, but the trust's broken and it may mean he now looks at the past 9 months as one long lie questioning much of what was happening between you two - i know i do 🙁
There is no one single solution, aa / counselling / therapy is a good start but it will take time.

Firstly, well done on recognising and admitting you have a problem.
It's a shame your boyfriend has reacted badly but try not to put the blame onto him, he didn't ask for this to happen and is probably shocked by your revelation. He may come round and try to support you in time, but what you really need to do now is focus on yourself and your recovery.
And yes, it is indeed possible to be unaware of the extent of your alcoholic partner's drinking, mostly because alcoholics are very deceitful in their attempts to cover up the extent of their drinking. He's not stupid, you're just a very good liar (when it comes to drink). I was unaware that DH was an alcoholic until a couple of years ago, we've been together 20 years

Help yourself now before it's too late, good luck

Op, you have had a lot of good advice on here already about getting the help you need but I would urge you to ignore the posts criticising your dp because they are harmful in that they feed the part of your mind that wants to lay the blame with someone else.

I grew up with an alcoholic. Unless you have lived through it you cannot imagine how truly awful and horrifying it is.

I do not blame your dp for reacting the way he has. He survived his childhood, escaped a marriage where his wife betrayed him and, finally trusting someone enough to sell his home and move in together, now discovers that that person has also lied to him.

I find it odd that you are posting, not about your addiction primarily, but about how your dp has not reacted well and has rejected you sexually. It feels like your priorities are wrong.

If I was your dp, I would be gone already because I know how all of this will play out. It might be different after decades and children. But after one year, no. The fact that he is there, saying he wants to support you despite his history, suggests he is not the monster some have painted him as.

Let him process it and show him your words aren't empty promises by seeking help.

Having been married to an alcoholic for 12 years, I would have left you immediately you told me you were an addict. It is hell to love and live with an addict

His reaction is healthy. What you probably want is someone to be sympathetic and loving. That way, lies co-dependency, which will only impede your recovery.

He is allowed to be angry, sad and confused. Don't you dare blame any relapse on his emotions

I think you are doing the right thing going to counselling. Who in thier right mind would really want to sit in AA listening to lots of people with drinking issues talking about it....very depressing....much better to have one to one counselling and concentrate on your own drinking issues....not listen to everyone else's...at ths stage anyway....good luck...put yourself first and get the help you need.

I missed that your boyfriend's Dad had an alcohol problem. In that case his reaction can hardly be termed surprising. I'm amazed he's still with you, you're lucky he hasn't run for the hills! To be honest, you know yourself that only you can change things for yourself, his support would be great, but with or without him you have to try to recover.

Being the partner of an alcoholic is horrific. Alcoholism is a 'disease', which is a reason, but never be an excuse for the alcoholic's behaviour.
I'll never get over the hurt that DHs alcoholism has caused, and I still don't know if we have a future together or not. I try to be supportive but it kills me inside every time he has a drink, it's even worse if he's been off it for any length of time. And I can't get over the guilt I feel that DS's Dad is an alcoholic, and I haven't taken him away from it all yet.

I hope your DP can support you without letting your alcoholism destroy him. I'd advise that he get some support too; counselling is available to those affected by another's alcoholism. You both have a long, hard road ahead and it's not just you who is affected by this. I wish you luck

User.....you are entitled to your opinion (and it differs from the majority), but that sort of comment is extremely unhelpful.

Until the OP tries an AA meeting or at the very least calls the AA Helpline, then she will truly struggle.

She will be able to listen to the experience, strength and hope of people who know exactly what she is going through if she went to an AA meeting......which she won't get from a GP/Counsellor/Therapist.

She can then make up her own mind about AA but until she goes then how can she (or anyone, for that matter) say that "AA isn't for me"?

I find it odd that you are posting, not about your addiction primarily, but about how your dp has not reacted well and has rejected you sexually. It feels like your priorities are wrong

Indeed. But it's typical behaviour from an addict, sadly.

That's where AA seems to be sometimes more effective than counselling. As far as I know (very dear friend who's now 15 years sober via AA, still goes daily to meetings & is awesome) AA focuses on the now. AA helps people with "thinking the drink through" and taking it "one day at a time." In the early days it can be one minute at a time ...

Whereas counselling may well delve into the past in order to try to find the triggers for addiction. This is obviously important to do (I'm not criticising counselling) but it can lead the addict back to laying the blame outside themselves.

Whatever "caused" the addiction, the addict has to deal with stopping, moment by moment. Now, not looking back to the past. But that can take a long long time.

Hear Hear......GiantSteps!

Yep, I’m a counsellor and while I will see clients who are problem drinkers I would always try and get them into AA or other specialist support services as it’s much more in line with what they need. Counselling isn’t likely to help if they’re still drinking and are pissed all the time.

Yes, @PsychedelicSheep I hope I wasn't coming across as anti-counselling. But I've heard that an ethical counsellor shouldn't try to do any long term therapy until a client/patient has stopped drinking.

Well people can’t reflect and process properly if they’re drinking. They don’t have the cognitive ability. Counselling is more effective later on, when the drinking is either under control or preferably stopped entirely.

Completely agree with RainyApril. I can't blame him for his reaction. If I was him I think my reaction would be very similar.
To be honest I think if you're better off without him, you need to be able to focus on getting sober without having to worry how it will affect him.

Good luck on your journey. It's hard work but better than having your life destroyed by alcohol.

@user1497997754 A good friend of mine sobered with AA, and I've gone to some open meetings with her to support her when she marked anniversaries. I found the meeting inspiring. Many people believe that people can't change their lives, but AA meetings are fully who are changing their lives.

There are different paths to sobriety, but AA is a very solid one. It is free. There are meetings every day. The most important thing for the OPer right now is to not drink TODAY. That is the most important thing. And going to an AA meeting is her best chance of doing so.

A few sessions of one on one counseling are not going to turn a drunk into a sober person. Drunks are already completely focused on themselves, so more self focus isn't going to magically sober them up.

I really see doing anything other than going to an AA meeting TODAY as just more deflection, more of the "I'll get help some day, I'll change some day" nonsense.

I know people will say this is just making excuses again but I really need advice and then I promise I'll take the plunge with AA. My thing about it is not the religious aspect but that I have really crippling social anxiety. One of the reasons why I drink is to give me confidence (I realise false confidence, but confidence nonetheless) in social settings. I get extremely nervous and am prone to having panic attacks.

Could somebody please describe briefly what the meetings involve. I'm scared/terrified about just walking into one. Will I have to talk in front of everyone straight away or would it be OK to be an observer for the first one or two times? I have this image of everyone sitting in a circle and me having to stand up and tell my story. Just the thought is giving me palpitations...

What happens in an AA meeting?

Different types. Try and find a new comers one. If you go on the AA site and put in your town it will show you everything round you.

The secretary will start and say, hi, I'm x and I'm an alcoholic. It then goes round the room and everyone introduces themselves. First names only. Or you can just say pass.

We then read out the AA preamble. Google it. It's very short.

Honestly, we're used to seeing newcomers who are terrified and we want to help you you and show you can recover from this.

To add. Different meetings have different formats. It will normally start with a reading, or a chair. (Chair is someone who tell their story).

People then share back.

You don't have to speak at all.

Thanks so much Flappyfish. For some reason your description of it has made me cry- in a good way. Still scared but I'll go to a meeting tomorrow. I wish I wasn't like this!

Yeah 12 step meetings aren't designed to put you on the spot. I promise you that MANY if not most alcoholics have problems with social anxiety. AA wouldn't have survived this long if it was too scary for the anxious!

AA generally has a helpline in most areas that touch can call and chat to volunteer AA member who can assist you in selecting the right first group to attend. Google your town name + AA helpline and you should find it.

Anyone who picks up the phone has been where you are! They would be thrilled to lend you a helping hand. Think about it. You needn't do this alone.

AA is the most loving place you will find. Sorry if it made you cry.

You do sound so much like I was. I wanted help,I wanted to stop drinking, but I went through the following.

28 day rehab.
3 stays as a psych in patient
3 lots of counselling
Alan Carr stop drinking course

I do mindfulness now and meditate.

There will be a local telephone service for AA. They're called intergoups. If you call they will put you in touch with a 12 stepper who will speak with you and they will often pick you up and take you to your first meeting if you want that helping hand.

(12 steppers are sober alkies who have been through the steps. Step 12 is passing the message of hope on).

In a way, by posting here I am also doing step 12.

There is also a good recovery forum called sober recovery.

AA has worked for me. I have the most lovely sponsor and I used to bloody hate it.

You will meet a real mix when you go. There is someone in my home group who is over 30 years sober. (Home group is a meeting you commit to attend each week, but it's not formal).

Hope the explanations help a bit.

An alternate if you aren't ready to say "I'm KC and I'm an alcoholic" is "I'm KC and I'm just happy to be here". Every one will still say "hi, KC"

Then it goes to the next person. You don't have to say anything more.

It is hard to walk through the door the first time, but it will get easier.

Well done for admitting you have an issue with drink. I really hope you will go to AA and you make a full recovery. 

My former partner was an alcoholic. He was a vodka drinker too.

I had no idea my partner was an alcoholic, he hid it so well. So yes I think it's possible your boyfriend wouldn't have known at all. I found out because I found where he was hiding the drink. I was in my early 20s, felt very betrayed, and handled it very very badly. I felt betrayed because I loved him and honestly thought he was the one. I confronted him about it and ended our relationship, he became defensive and nasty about it. Years later we got back in touch for a time, and I apologised to him about how I reacted and said nowadays I'd have handled things very differently. I wish I'd done more to help but I was stupid and naive and didn't realise how bad the problem was.

Your boyfriend is angry and feels betrayed because he cares. He may come round but it will take time. This is something you need support to tackle, maybe with him, maybe with friends and family. I have a great deal of sympathy for you, but know that it is a shock to find out the person you thought you knew and loved is not who you thought they were.

Sadly my ex passed away last year. He had cirrhosis and bled to death. It was an appalling way to die that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. It will haunt me until the day I die.

Please OP, please take people's advice on here and get help for yourself. You can absolutely turn it around before it's too late. I wish you all the best for your recovery 

You don't have to be like it, but it will take a lot of work.
What time is the meeting tomorrow? Let us know how it goes.

Ah so good to hear the brilliant advice on here re AA. It is a very lovely place to go and yes, everyone was terrified at the start.

So looking forward to you getting started op. It will be ok xxx