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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I confessed to my boyfriend about my alcohol addiction-he has reacted badly

179 replies

Loula81 · 21/09/2017 09:48

So two days ago I confessed to my boyfriend of a year about my alcohol addiction and the fact that I’ve been sneaking drink. He hasn’t taken it well and I’m in a panic and don’t know what to do.

He says he’s trying to be supportive but is angry with me for lying and sees it as deceitful and a betrayal of trust. I honestly never thought he’d rect like this. It took me ages and a lot of courage to admit this to him. I thought he was already suspicious as many days I’ve been to the point of blackout while with him but he says he had no clue at all.

I suppose in a way I’m annoyed with him or is that just selfish of me? I mean, how can you live with somebody for 9 months and not notice this at all? I’ve been drinking up to half a litre, maybe more, of vodka everyday for months now and only just quit. He does triathlons and is out training most evenings but I still would have thought he’d see something was up.

I’m finding this hard to deal with. He shifts between saying he wants to support me through this, to saying how hurt he is that I lied to him. Please help! I've been awake since 4am and I’m now in work and can’t cope so this is a nightmare.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 21/09/2017 12:46

Whichever way round the sexes were I would still think there was something wrong in a relationship like op describes. Sounds like this guy is so self focussed he can 't see beyond the end of his dick nose.

I do wish people would stop this fucking reversal crap.

hellsbellsmelons · 21/09/2017 12:49

I'm sorry but I'm not liking the sound of this guy.
I totally agree with others.
This journey you are facing, could be easier without this person dragging you down and making you feel bad about it.
Get yourself to your local AA meeting asap and get some real support from people who know what you are going through.
It's a long tough journey and you don't need the negativity of this dick-head.

Gemini69 · 21/09/2017 12:51

AnyFucker I agree Flowers

Itsseweasy · 21/09/2017 12:54

I'm with CoyoteCafe here. I don't think you can put the blame on him for not noticing that you've been drinking. He wasn't expecting it and you're clearly a good actress.
For some people, the secret you have revealed is a deal breaker. It's just a sad fact of life that it may be too much for him to take on and not what he signed up for.
He's possibly looking for an easy life and a less complicated relationship if he's had a messy divorce. (Not that this is right or wrong, just looking at possibilities).
That said, he's just had a massive shock and may come around once he's had a chance to digest the info.
Well done on taking the right steps towards recovery.

Original poster
Loula81 · 21/09/2017 13:02

Thanks everyone. I appreciate all the comments, even the ones about my lying as I can see they make a good point. I know I lied and I know it was totally wrong. The problem is that I knew that once I confessed I would have to stop and I wasn't ready to do that.

The cravings are unbelievable. I wake up in cold sweats in the night vowing that today will be the day that I change and give up. Then after work the cycle continues again. I know I'm to blame but feel helpless at the time. It's very difficult to explain the lying and sneaking about to someone who doesn't have an addiction. I hate myself for it but at the time it feels beyond my control.

OP posts:
CoyoteCafe · 21/09/2017 13:07

Please get help. AA was really helpful to a friend of mine when she went though this.

I do understand the lying and sneaking because I've been around addiction, which is part of why I called you out on it. Taking responsibly for all your actions is very important to really quitting alcohol for good.

Please call A, or another program for the help and support you need. I wish you well.

TisapityshesaGeordie · 21/09/2017 13:07

I'm amazed at the responses you're getting here.

It is horrific to grow up as the child of an alcoholic. Terrifying. Your life is out of control and the person who's supposed to provide you with support and security is the reason why. If my DH of a decade told me he was an alcoholic, I'd have to give the relationship serious thought, and I adore him. If a short-term partner did it, I'd be out the door so fast their head would spin. I lived - barely - through that once. I've no intention of doing so again.

Your recovery is your responsibility, not his. His responsibility is to protect himself from being hurt - again - by an alcoholic. If you need support (and you do if you're serious about quitting drinking), go to AA. My mum's been going to meetings for 24 years and hasn't had a drink in that time. Best of luck.

linenrose · 21/09/2017 13:17

I grew up with an alcoholic stepdad and my brother is an alcoholic. It would be a dealbreaker in a relationship for me. It might sound harsh but in a long term relationship I'd be wanting children, and I wouldn't want to risk putting a child in the situation I was in or my nephews have been in. Also I'd be worried about lying of any kind, within a relationship, too. I've left partners when they've revealed lies that they've been carrying on for months. It's an awful betrayal of trust.

AA has been helpful for my family and I do wish you the best for your recovery OP.

Blossomflowers · 21/09/2017 13:17

Itsee He can choose not to live with someone with a drink problem, but does not give him the excuse to act like a dick and make it all about him. Have you actually read the OP posts?

Original poster
Loula81 · 21/09/2017 13:19

Thank you for your comments TisapityshesaGeordie. I appreciate where you're coming from and am sorry that you had that kind of childhood due to having a parent who was an alcoholic.

It is not possible though that I am not yet at the point where I will ruin lives with my addiction? Is it possible that if I sort my life out now I can turn it around and not be a horrible person? I realise that things are spiralling out of control and I really do want to change. This hasn't been something I have had all my life. I started to use alcohol as a crutch when things were breaking down with my last partner who I was with for 8 years. That was about 4 years ago and things have got progressively worse. I want to remember what it was like at the time before this when I coped with the everyday without alcohol.

OP posts:
CoyoteCafe · 21/09/2017 13:27

Is it possible that if I sort my life out now I can turn it around and not be a horrible person?

Yes!! It is! I think your best bet is to get into AA, and to work all the steps. We all get to decide what sort of person we are.

TisapityshesaGeordie · 21/09/2017 13:33

You can get better Loula. Like I say, my mum did, thanks to AA and her own determination to keep working a programme. We have a wonderful relationship now, and she's a fantastic grandma to my DC.

But you cannot control how your partner reacts to this and shouldn't try. Concentrate on your recovery, and if the relationship is right for you both, it will work out once you're done.

MondayTuesdayWednesday · 21/09/2017 13:37

Yes of course you can still sort your life out.

I don't think posters here can tell if your partner is a "twat" or similar just by what you have posted. You gave very limited information about him and they have interpreted this in they way they want to. Only you know if he is generally selfish and if he is abusing you or controlling you (in relation to what you mentioned about "cues" for sex.

You haven't been with your partner for very long and I think your partner has had a huge shock and you don't seem to appreciate that at all. Your first post is all about you and how mean he is to you and why he didn't notice you were so drunk and lying all the time. If you were like this all the time since you have been with him then he genuinely may not know you were drunk. To be honest your attitude is typically selfish alcoholic behaviour. It is all about you, everyone else is to blame, the addiction is to blame etc etc. I have dealt with this with a family member and have had to take a step back and let her get on with her life as she has no acknowledgement of the damage she has done to others lives and never will. Everyone else is to blame and they always will be.

You have been lying for a year so you have to try to see his side.

tocas · 21/09/2017 13:41

Firstly well done OP. There is lots of help available and you don't need a referral for things like walk in centres for addiction or AA so please seek support in these areas. Of course your partner has had a massive shock but equally he should be at least trying to be supportive - if his behaving like this carries on it is likely to hinder your recovery.
Also the way he behaved this morning is completely inexcusable regardless of the situation.

BarbarianMum · 21/09/2017 13:42

If it's a dealbreaker for your boyfriend then I think that's fair enough (it sure as hell would be for me). No-one owes an alcoholic a relationship. But he needs to decide - if he sticks around he doesn't get to keep punishing you and he needs to be supportive.

But you have to get help for you. Its not his job to heal you.

hubbahun · 21/09/2017 13:43

Not everyone knows how to deal with this sort of thing well. I wouldn't. It's been two days.

Rather than expect him to know what to do, tell him what you need from him and then see what he does.

Original poster
Loula81 · 21/09/2017 13:47

Thanks. I'll give those suggestions a go and see how I get on. I do love him and want it to work out. The reason I didn't tell him for so long is that I was afraid he would end it but I suppose that decision now is ultimately up to him and at least he knows the truth. If the shoe were on the other foot, I've no idea how I would react.

OP posts:
lynmilne65 · 21/09/2017 13:48

I got sober in AA , been over 30 years. Was drinking 2 litres of vodka most days Anything is possible dear xxxFlowers

RolfNotRudolf · 21/09/2017 13:54

The partner is shocked, upset and angry to discover that after 9 months together his GF has been hiding a functioning drug addiction from him? And HE is making it all about himself?Shock
OP it's brilliant that you're facing up to your problems, that can't be easy, but you need to give your partner some understanding here, and space. Time will tell whether you can cope with this together, and if he can't cope with living with an alcoholic that is his perogative.
I do wonder what the advice would be here if the genders were reversed Hmm

BarbarianMum · 21/09/2017 13:56

LTB

BarbarianMum · 21/09/2017 13:56

LTB

FlappyFish · 21/09/2017 13:59

Hi OP.

You're me about three years ago. So I get it.

Addicts are very good liars and when you've built up tolerance you can be in black out but appear normal to the world.

I was also on about half a litre of vodka a day, before it all went downhill.

I do urge you to try AA. It isn't for everyone. However, don't get scared by the God word.

At the moment you want to blame him for not noticing. You will deal with that in the steps. Believe me, I was furious at everyone round me they hadn't done something.

But yourself also admitted you didn't want to do anything so didn't speak of it.

Step 4 is when you look at your side in it. But you have to thoroughly do steps 1-3 first.

Admitting you're powerless alcohol is the first step.

From a 20 month sober recovering alkie. X

Blossomflowers · 21/09/2017 14:07

This has nothing to do with gender. What horrible things have you done when you have been drunk OP.

MaisieDotes · 21/09/2017 14:17

I do love him and want it to work out.

As you get better you might start seeing things differently. Focus on yourself and your recovery for now. Don't think about trying to get the relationship to "work out". This relationship may not meet your needs as a sober person. Time will tell.

Good luck and keep going Flowers

TizzyDongue · 21/09/2017 14:17

You say that it's taken you time and a lot of courage. Afford him that too; he's not a twat etc because he didn't immediately respond in the 'correct manner. He's just found out that his partner has been lying and is deceitful and his relationship isn't want he thought it was

Well done for admitting you are an alcoholic - you both need to work through this. You will in time realise it is your responsibility not his to control your addition.

If in (say) 6 months he's offering no support then the whole twat/bastards thing can work and rethink your relationship