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Original poster

I confessed to my boyfriend about my alcohol addiction-he has reacted badly

179 replies

Loula81 · 21/09/2017 09:48

So two days ago I confessed to my boyfriend of a year about my alcohol addiction and the fact that I’ve been sneaking drink. He hasn’t taken it well and I’m in a panic and don’t know what to do.

He says he’s trying to be supportive but is angry with me for lying and sees it as deceitful and a betrayal of trust. I honestly never thought he’d rect like this. It took me ages and a lot of courage to admit this to him. I thought he was already suspicious as many days I’ve been to the point of blackout while with him but he says he had no clue at all.

I suppose in a way I’m annoyed with him or is that just selfish of me? I mean, how can you live with somebody for 9 months and not notice this at all? I’ve been drinking up to half a litre, maybe more, of vodka everyday for months now and only just quit. He does triathlons and is out training most evenings but I still would have thought he’d see something was up.

I’m finding this hard to deal with. He shifts between saying he wants to support me through this, to saying how hurt he is that I lied to him. Please help! I've been awake since 4am and I’m now in work and can’t cope so this is a nightmare.

OP posts:
steppemum · 21/09/2017 14:17

well done Loula for admitting to the problem, and taking the step to tell your bf.

I have a lot sof sympathy with his reaction though.
He has had a massive shock.
he has just realised that the person he has been living with was not really the person he thought they were.
I think he must be now looking back over many situations and wondering if it was really you or the drink?
His whole foundation of the relationship has been shaken.

To add to that, he is naturally very wary of anyone with an alcohol problem, as he has first hand experience of what it is liek to live with an alcoholic.

You have also only been going out for a year.

if my partner confessed now to a serious problem like this, it would take all of our 18 years together and the love we have to get us through it.

If he had confessed one year in? I might have decided to run. I wouldn't blame him for going.

Sorry OP, I know that sounds tough, but he has been living a lie, and it would be odd for him not to react.

Original poster
Loula81 · 21/09/2017 14:27

I am absolutely aware that this will come across as me deflecting blame again but I am genuinely interested in people's opinions. Would anybody think the situation was different if I had hidden having depression from him? Or is it the fact that it is an addiction that changes things?

OP posts:
Original poster
Loula81 · 21/09/2017 14:29

I will give him time and realise it's not all about me. I'm feeling really bad about things now. I want to apologise for lying to him but don't know how to express it. Maybe it's actually better if we don't talk about things for a few days and I give time time to think.

OP posts:
AnchorDownDeepBreath · 21/09/2017 14:32

You've been with him for a year and lived together for 9 months. For 75% of the time that you've been together and 100% of the time that you've lived together; you've been hiding an addiction to a substance that you know he has a traumatic history with.

I'm not surprised that he didn't notice - you've done this for as long as you've been together, how was he supposed to know who you are sober? How you behave?

Go to AA. Give him space. If it comes to it, and he can't move past this and support you actively, find somewhere else to live (or make him; depending on arrangements) and give your all to beating this.

springydaffs · 21/09/2017 14:38

I'm a bit taken aback by these responses.

You have led to him. About something really serious. And now you're feeling hard done by?? Alrighty then Hmm

You are an addict. Addicts in active addiction are slippery, selfish eels, obsessed with themselves, full of self pity. I am one, so I'm but being unkind, just factual.

Have you been to AA? If not, why not? Just asking. You will hear your story a thousand times. You will also hear how to get out. Re the God thing - tbf by that stage you're so desperate to get free you won't care. The god thing in AA is not religious btw.

Are you desperate? Or are you going to carry on blaming your boyfriend /others. If you went to an AA meeting tonight you'd get immediate help and support re your boyfriend.

steppemum · 21/09/2017 14:44

would we think it was different if you had hidden depression?

yes and no.

no, not different in that it is really still him discovering that the life you were living was not what he thought it was.

yes in that it is an addiction, and a diffcult one to leave behind entirely, and one that he has a traumatic history with.

Couples do break up when one is ill. The need to support someone through serious illness/addiction is a huge commitment, and he may not be ready to make that commitment.

ChaChaChaCh4nges · 21/09/2017 14:46

You can't compare hiding depression to hiding an addiction. For a start, you can't hide depression.

You might more meaningfully compare addictionto having depression, treating your partner terribly, and refusing to seek help from the GP.

As the daughter of an alcoholic I think you're minimising terribly. And, like others with first hand experience of addicted family members, i too can see the "it's all about me" undertone to your narrative.

I don't know if your BF is a twat, based on this thread alone. I do know that if I were in his place you'd not see me again.

Original poster
Loula81 · 21/09/2017 15:08

I would respectfully disagree that you can't hide depression. I've suffered from it for years but managed never to take off work with it and haul myself up everyday to get dressed. I then with a lot of difficulty go into work, put on my 'happy face' and grit my teeth to get through the day. Before I was drinking I would go home and go to bed. Nobody every guessed there was anything wrong.

Sorry if this also sounds woe is me but just trying to explain.

OP posts:
ChaChaChaCh4nges · 21/09/2017 15:12

And what external help did you seek?

Original poster
Loula81 · 21/09/2017 15:16

I went to the Dr, to a CPN for counselling and was on antidepressants for years. I'm no longer on any medication as the Dr said the strongest antidepressant in the world wouldn't work while I'm drinking. She won't prescribe me anything else until I get my alcohol appt which could be at least another 3 months..

OP posts:
hopelesslyaddicted · 21/09/2017 15:17

Woah, some massively contradictory advice going on in here.

flip the roles and if someone was saying their husband had just admitted to doing this you would all be saying kick him to the kerb. Now it seems he is the bad guy?

I think the blowjob anecdote getting dropped in is painting him as some sort of controlling sex monster.

Original poster
Loula81 · 21/09/2017 15:19

For the alcohol addiction I've tried a mindfulness course that cost £400. I also went for a few sessions with a top hypnotherapist but couldn't afford the £70 per session on top of drinking.

OP posts:
SoupyNorman · 21/09/2017 15:30

He spends half his time being nice and asking if I'm OK and the rest being quiet and withdrawn.

Struggling to see what your boyfriend has done that is so bad, tbh.

mydogmymate · 21/09/2017 15:33

Please, please, please go to AA. My exh is an alcoholic ( as was my dad) and I went to quite a few meetings with him and the support is amazing. It's completely confidential and you'll be amazed at the stories people share. You'll sit there and think " omg I do this! " and " other people do that too?" It will be like a light has been turned on. If it's not for you, then you've tried and not wasted £400 like you have in the past.
Waiting for an appointment with a professional is stalling imo. Whilst you're waiting you can go to a meeting, there's one everyday somewhere. It also might help if your bf went to al anon ( for families). You need to do this for yourself, nobody else.

Sorry to sound like a poster girl for AA! In the meantime Flowers

Crunchymum · 21/09/2017 15:57

*Update... Forgot to mention he is also rejecting me sexually. This morning he pulled the covers away which is normally my cue to either touch him or give him a blowjob. However, when I put my hand down he pushed me away and rolled over.

Later on I went up to the room and he asked me to get his phone. It was lying on the bed and I could clearly see he'd had a wank. Not sure if he wanted me to notice this*

You need to ditch the man as well as the booze!!

Crunchymum · 21/09/2017 15:58

Sorry, bold fail there!!!

CoyoteCafe · 21/09/2017 16:06

You need to go to an AA meeting TODAY.

It's free. There's no waiting to get started. There are many, many meetings available so there will be one reasonably close to you.

You need to go to an AA meeting again tomorrow. And the next day. Eventually, you won't need to go everyday.

Everything else you say is just BS to keep you stuck. Your boyfriend is the least of your problems.

Loopytiles · 21/09/2017 16:10

Focus on your recovery.

Many people would not want to remain in a relationship with someone with an alcohol problem who had lied. If this is his decision you should accept it, and it'd be U to be angry about it IMO.

DontbouncelikeIdid · 21/09/2017 16:19

Is it worth you and your DP splitting up in the short term, so you can focus on what you need to do to get sober? It just seems to me that trying to deal with the inevitable issues this will cause in your relationship, at the same time as trying to kick the booze is an awful lot to deal with at once. Now he knows, maybe some time out for you to focus on you, is what you both need. You could then try again once you are in a better place if he agrees?

Original poster
Loula81 · 21/09/2017 16:26

That is definitely an idea DontbouncelikeIdid. Thanks. The only thing is that he gave up his flat to move into mine so technically, neither of us has any real option about where to go. He could go his mum's but I don't think it's fair to ask him to do that.

OP posts:
Loopytiles · 21/09/2017 16:45

If it's your flat and you are paying the rent or mortgage then it'd be fine to ask him to move out asap.

Loopytiles · 21/09/2017 16:45

Have you seen your GP to seek help getting sober? There might be free services availableS

Original poster
Loula81 · 21/09/2017 16:49

I have Loopytiles but appts are scarce. I will take people's advice and look up AA.

It's my name on the tenancy but his home as much as mine and he pays half of everything.

OP posts:
BarbarianMum · 21/09/2017 16:51

Why crunchy? Because he didn't want to have sex with someone he was upset with, or because masturbates? Or because he didn't change the sheet?

BarbarianMum · 21/09/2017 16:53

It's ok to ask him to move out if that's what you need him to do, OP. It might even be a good idea to have a bit of a break from each other right now so you can both decide what you want to do.