I confessed to my boyfriend about my alcohol addiction-he has reacted badly

[Loula81]

So two days ago I confessed to my boyfriend of a year about my alcohol addiction and the fact that I’ve been sneaking drink. He hasn’t taken it well and I’m in a panic and don’t know what to do.

He says he’s trying to be supportive but is angry with me for lying and sees it as deceitful and a betrayal of trust. I honestly never thought he’d rect like this. It took me ages and a lot of courage to admit this to him. I thought he was already suspicious as many days I’ve been to the point of blackout while with him but he says he had no clue at all.

I suppose in a way I’m annoyed with him or is that just selfish of me? I mean, how can you live with somebody for 9 months and not notice this at all? I’ve been drinking up to half a litre, maybe more, of vodka everyday for months now and only just quit. He does triathlons and is out training most evenings but I still would have thought he’d see something was up.

I’m finding this hard to deal with. He shifts between saying he wants to support me through this, to saying how hurt he is that I lied to him. Please help! I've been awake since 4am and I’m now in work and can’t cope so this is a nightmare.

So partner has been lied to for a year.. However the lying is excused by the alcoholism.
He should be supportive of you.

He isn't allowed to have feelings because that might not help you..He needs to put all his feelings aside because you need him..

He can't help you. I also think you wouldn't entertain him moving out less money for drink.

My Ex was an alcoholic... I would be angry with you and separate...It is a game changer.. He didn't know, so how will he know if it continues, he didn't know you were lying, he may well wonder what else is a lie, he doesn't even know the sober you.

For you ..You need to decide how commited you are to overcoming your addcition...Lots of what you have wrote suggest yes you have made the first step to admit you have a problem but not really ready to put the work in to overcome it.

He grew up with an alcoholic father? Then he knows exactly the damage alcoholics cause to their loved ones.

I would walk out of a relationship with a "wet" alcoholic without a moment's hesitation. My priorities would be protect kids, then myself, then grown up loved ones before worrying about the alcoholic.

Revisit this relationship when you are dry, it may or may not be right for you, but there is only one priority and that is stop drinking.

Go to an AA meeting today.

Find a meeting near you

I am a civil servant and so have access to 6 free counselling sessions. I called them yesterday and have an appointment for this Wednesday. I think the people who said I was putting off getting help were correct. I always knew this service was available to me but couldn't face picking up the phone to arrange anything.

My DP has been lovely to me since I first posted. He said he's still coming to terms with it but that he's there for me IF and only IF I seek help for my problems. I need to stay strong and determined to beat this.

You can still go to AA. Today. There are tons meetings.

You can also go to counseling-- it's not an either or.

OP is an alcoholic who has lied to her partner for a long time and he's the bad guy for finding it hard to deal with? Bloody hell, mn.

Go to AA, OP. Find a meeting here and go.

I'm sorry, but if my partner (of only a year) were lying to me about their addiction - and minimising it - I'd walk away. I'd direct them to AA, then I would leave.

You seem to be expecting him to support you in what sounds like a really unhealthy dynamic - a co-dependent relationship. You seem to expect him to congratulate you that you've "confessed" your addiction to him.

At the same time you're trying to blame him for your drinking by not noticing your deceit?

I suppose in a way I’m annoyed with him or is that just selfish of me? I mean, how can you live with somebody for 9 months and not notice this at all? I’ve been drinking up to half a litre, maybe more, of vodka everyday for months now and only just quit. He does triathlons and is out training most evenings but I still would have thought he’d see something was up.

This is really disordered thinking, and typical of addiction - push responsibility away from yourself.

He should have noticed it?

And what then? He should have stopped you drinking life-threatening amounts of alcohol?

Your BF needs AlAnon so he can be reassured that
He didn't cause your drinking
He can't control your drinking
He can't cure you.

You need to take responsibility for yourself. Get to AA.

My exH is an alcoholic.

I have been going to Al-Anon (which is support for anyone who has been affected by the drinking habits of others) for a long time and it has saved my sanity.

Well done for admitting that you have a problem with Alcohol.

However, you are being a little disingenuous by mentioning in your opening post about the 'cue for sex' and the 'sheet' incident. I know that everything you say may or may not be a Complete Lie; an alcoholic will do or say anything to get themselves off the hook.

Why do I say this? Because if you were truly serious about getting sober, you would be already going to AA meetings.

You now need to take total responsibility for yourself. I do wish you all the best.

I absolutely accept your comments about the sheet incident and in hindsight shouldn't have included it. I suppose I was on a self-pity party when I wrote the post. The only reason I said about it is because I thought he had done that on purpose to punish me for my betrayal. Now, in the cold light of day so to speak I think it was just a coincidence. Yes, he was having a wank but he's always been honest with me about doing that and I don't have a problem with it. Also, I'm sure he needed some sort of release after my confession about drinking.

You know what OP - it's not always about you.

I know it's not all about me Giantsteps. I am finding some of the comments extremely harsh. I understand that many of you have suffered terribly at the hands of an alcoholic and I truly do sympathise. However, I don't know how to put across the point that I haven't always been like this. I am inherently a good person and want to get back to the way I used to be. I am still kind, considerate and generous. The fact I am an alcoholic doesn't change who I am or change these qualities.

Alcoholism definitely affects those around you to a huge degree and I'm not disputing this. I have admitted I have a problem and want to beat this 'demon'. I so thankful to the people who have wished me the best of luck despite their experiences.

Well done for getting help op. I think he needs to be honest he may not want to be in a relationship with someone who has issues with addiction and that is his choice whatever his reasons. Of course you hope he can support you and overcome it and some people would be willing to do this and for others its a deal breaker. He needs to tell you one way or another. He has had a huge shock aswell. So i would try and give him some time and be kind to yourself

If you really wanted to get better you would go to an AA meeting. Today.

You are messing about on the internet instead of taking the steps you need to take to get sober.

The fact I am an alcoholic doesn't change who I am or change these qualities.

I’m sorry OP, but addiction DOES change who people are and their qualities. That’s not to say you can’t recover from this and get back to yourself, with the right support you can, but to pretend addiction doesn’t change people is untrue and also unhealthy.

an alcoholic will do or say anything to get themselves off the hook

That is my experience, too.

Focus on your recovery, not on what happening with the boyfriend.

If you actually care for him I'd insist on breaking up, seeking the support you need independently and give him the option of moving on with his life.

I dated someone with anxiety (no children and not living together) and what really was off was that rather than see the doctor, or the counsellor, or go to support meetings, or take exercise he became obsessed with how "I" wasn't being supportive enough to him.

I'm not his mother, I was and am a generally nice/kind person (and of course I had to make alllowances for him for a while)

but it was like he was trying to create this crazy codependency dynamic in which I was expected me to sit there and "prove" myself by writing out a manifesto of how I'd do X,Y, and Z to help him.

Otherwise I'd be the Bad Person who didn't support the ill person

He ended up screaming at me (on my birthday ) in a coffee shop how I had no compassion as a human being? (because by this stage I'd sexually checked out if the interaction due to his issues)

You can't help mental health issues, but the maudlin self pity and sense of entitlement killed any friendship or attraction or respect I had for him.

I wish you well in your recovery.

pl pm if you sre drowning

OP you are doing what I recognise as a typically alcoholic thing: everything is about you.

You have not once admitted that he might have had a shock, and is having to rethink his whole current life and relationship. You don't show much concern for your partner and what he's suddenly been confronted with. All you're thinking about is how he's not supporting you enough.

I know everything is not about me. Some people we very eager to pick apart what I have said. I am really concerned about my DP. I love him and realise what I'm putting him through.

Please answer the question op: why haven't got gone to AA?

of course it's about HER.. she's the one with the drink problem and I'm sure she already said her meeting was Wednesday or did I not read that someone on here...

I'm sure she already said her meeting was Wednesday

She has a counseling appointment on Wednesday. There are tons of AA meetings, and she could most likely be going to one every day.

AA doesnt suit a lot of people, it is based on a spirituality that I know I wouldnt be happy with.

It also has the view that alcoholism is a disease that cannot be cured, which I also disagree with.

AA isnt some magic pill that cures drinking problems, in fact it has been suggested that the 12 step program can make an addicts mental health worse rather than better.

Some of the best, wisest and most interesting women I know are in AA, OP. Also lots of vitamin B complex really helps with the withdrawal symptoms and with depression.