I confessed to my boyfriend about my alcohol addiction-he has reacted badly

[Loula81]

So two days ago I confessed to my boyfriend of a year about my alcohol addiction and the fact that I’ve been sneaking drink. He hasn’t taken it well and I’m in a panic and don’t know what to do.

He says he’s trying to be supportive but is angry with me for lying and sees it as deceitful and a betrayal of trust. I honestly never thought he’d rect like this. It took me ages and a lot of courage to admit this to him. I thought he was already suspicious as many days I’ve been to the point of blackout while with him but he says he had no clue at all.

I suppose in a way I’m annoyed with him or is that just selfish of me? I mean, how can you live with somebody for 9 months and not notice this at all? I’ve been drinking up to half a litre, maybe more, of vodka everyday for months now and only just quit. He does triathlons and is out training most evenings but I still would have thought he’d see something was up.

I’m finding this hard to deal with. He shifts between saying he wants to support me through this, to saying how hurt he is that I lied to him. Please help! I've been awake since 4am and I’m now in work and can’t cope so this is a nightmare.

sees it as deceitful and a betrayal of trust

It is deceitful and a betrayal of trust. I think his reaction is understandable (although not the weird wanking show)

No, if you're the tenant it's your home. If you feel guilty, give him a few weeks' notice. Work out whether you can afford to live there alone and if you can't seek a shared place.

Battling addiction is hard, and you are not in a good place to be in a relationship right now, especially given his (justifiable) anger towards you and less than ideal behaviour from both of you.

Appointments are scarce with the GP or the alcohol services? Sounds like excuses. Access the services you can find.

You have been very brave, shown real courage to put your secret out there. He has been judgemental and unhelpful. You need to concentrate on yourself and your recovery and it will be impossible to do this with DP being suspicious and using porn to almost punish you for your addiction.

He needs to move out as soon as possible, and give you space and time to sort out AA meetings and change the patterns that lead you into drinking. He will find somewhere else to live.

It is your home. It needs to be a safe peaceful place, not a battle zone. Take back your home and make it yours again. Fill it with the things that will support and uplift you. You ask "Is it possible that if I sort my life out now I can turn it around" and the answer is yes. There is always time to make changes, to recover, to try one more time.

He spends half his time being nice and asking if I'm OK and the rest being quiet and withdrawn

Don't see a problem with this.

His dad had a problem with alcohol and was violent as a result.

He quite rightly has trust issues because if a past relationship then risks trusting again only to have been lied to again and now can't trust his own judgement. Of course he's going to struggle to process this!

There's some weird attitude on mumsnet that we should all magically not have baggage of our own when there's a problem with our loved ones. Clearly I'm shit compared to everyone else as I see not find this possible at first!

I realise I'm going against the grain here but my thoughts are that it's not these early days that matter, he needs time to get his own head together. It's what he does when he's has had time to work through his own contradictions that counts. Don't minimse the lasting effects a violent alcoholic parent will have had on him, but keep your eyes open and look for red flags on his reactions after he's had a bit of time.

Thank you for the comments everyone. I am absolutely fine with the ones that side with my boyfriend and point out that I have been deceitful. In fact, I spoke to him this evening about it and admitted that I could see his point of view and that I should never have lied to him. I apologised for playing the victim and not admitting how wrong I had been to hide my addiction.

What I find harder to take are the comments that insinuate that as I have an addiction, my boyfriend should run a mile or at the very least definitely leave me. I honestly equate Alcoholism with any other mental illness. Telling me to stop drinking and in my opinion is the equivalent to telling someone with depression to 'snap out of it'. I hate myself for what I've become but I'm trying to change.

OP, I think you need to separate out 2 different issues.

The first and most important one is that you have a problem with alcohol, you are using it in a very disordered way, you are addicted and it is making your life worse not better. Yes the hiding drinks etc is all very much "normal" for an alcoholic but it isn't normal for anyone else so can be shocking. Well done for recognising that you have a problem and want to do something about it. Well done for coming clean to your boyfriend - most drinkers do hide it from their loved ones at some point because they are hoping to pass as normal drinkers - because if they don't, then someone is going to ask them to stop and that feels incredibly frightening and impossible.

I think you should post on the DRY and Brave Babes threads on here for support. Also strongly recommend you read This Naked Mind by Annie Grace. Just read it or listen to it - it will really resonate with you. AA is free and available immediately. I know it seems impossible right now but a life without alcohol is possible for you.

Second issue is how your boyfriend reacted and whether this is a good relationship or not. Honestly, I would have difficulty if anyone hid something that big and relevant from me be it alcoholism or depression or diabetes or whateverIt is a big part of who you are right now and you didn't tell him - well of course you didn't. not telling him is part of your alcoholism. It is also ok to not want to be in a relationship with someone for any reason but that they are engaged in a struggle with alcohol is a particularly ok reason.

Why not shelve the boyfriend thing for a while. Don't expect anything from him. Only you can solve this one. Focus on that and maybe his reaction will work itself out or you will work out what you need from life.

So what I'm saying is focus on the most important thing. Don't try and grit your teeth and hope your will power will be sufficient. Ask for help.

The comments suggesting "run a mile" from those who have experienced alcoholism in their family are truthful as they recognise the need for self protection. Your OH may feel this need too

I am another one who would do exactly that because alcoholism is such a difficult disease to beat and I would not want to go there again in losing a loved one to alcohol
Good luck OP with your journey

As someone who has an alcoholic dad, I would tell anyone to run a mile.

Don't underestimate the effect drinking has on those around you. In my case it was horrific.

You need to sort yourself out. If he wants out, let him go.

I told you to go to AA.

I stand by that. It's good advice. If you want to change, go to AA.

The boyfriend situation is not your biggest problem. It may work out, it may not. It doesn't matter. Getting sober matters.

Well done on admitting you are an alcoholic. Will your partner be supportive? Something to discuss with him.

AA is a very good idea. Good luck.

You are being way to harsh on yourself. Learn to accept the things you can’t change and gain control of the things you can. Do not over obsess about the reasons why you felt you could not be honest with your partner sooner. You made a choice to change that and told him what you are dealing with here and now. Your partner is taking it hard possibly feeling you didn’t trust him enough to confide in him before now. He is aloud to feel that way. Give him time to process what you have told him.
Start working within yourself. Start writing a journal get it all out it helps...
consider if you have fully grieved for your previous partner as mentioned in your posts. Have you? Did you get support for this?
Reflect if you can how drinking makes you feel? Why do you drink? Habit or addiction?
Self reflection is a fantastic tool to support the changes you feel you need.
Whilst you wait for your appointment do your research, self reflect, self awareness and self sabotage are good places to start.
I really wish you well in your recovery. X

@Loula81 it sounds as though you tread on eggshells around him. Your phrase 'we didn't argue for the whole week' whilst you were on holiday has me worried. And you've been with him a year and living together for 9 months of that? I speak from experience when I say that generally, excepting the occasional few, that's fast work and I think you really need to take some time to think about what YOU are getting from this.

From someone who drinks more wine than is good for them, well done for owning up, but get help from your gp and give your relationship some serious thought. Best of luck

There are two schools of thought regarding alcoholism OP. One is that its just like any other disease and just happens to some, unfortunate people. The second is it is something that people inflict on themselves through poor choices.

No one knows which is true, possibly it is a mixture of both, maybe its neither.

The point is that - whatever the truth - alcoholics that believe the latter have far, far better outcomes when it comes to long-term sobriety.

You will do better if you stop casting yourself as a passive victim of fate.

Wise words @Zena1973

In his position, I would be pissed and very hurt. I would feel that I'd been lied to and not even sure what was real in our relationship.
You blame him for not noticing that you have lied to him the whole time like that is his fault!

It's good that you have acknowledged your problem and are dealing with it. You need to do that for yourself. It is his decision if he wants to support you. It doesn't make him selfish or nasty if he chooses not to.

What I find harder to take are the comments that insinuate that as I have an addiction, my boyfriend should run a mile or at the very least definitely leave me. I honestly equate Alcoholism with any other mental illness

It is fine for someone to choose to end a relationship because of their partner's mental health issues.

Partner of an alcoholic here.

Being lied to by the person you love because alcohol is more important to them than you are is HARD.

Yes I know it's the disease not the person. That doesn't make the hurt magically go away.

I sometimes react badly when my partner lies about his drinking. I don't think that makes me a terrible person.

Obviously lots more to the OP than just this point but I think it's worth acknowledging that this guy isn't upset over nothing.

I'm wondering why you hadn't thought of AA. Genuine q. It's free, it's there right now - depending on where you live, at least 3 or 4 meetings within driving distance, if not walking distance, today. If you're in a city make that at least10 meetings a day.

I genuinely don't get why you haven't considered going. People on here don't get your story and may judge you for it, but people at AA fully get your story, because it's their's too. You'll hear your story a thousand times. You will meet your people - lovely, ordinary people btw; honest, straight up people who are bravely and honestly tackling their addiction a day at a time - with astonishing success. I can't think of another org except the NHS that is routinely saving thousands of lives on a regular, daily basis.

You've not been thinking AA is only for the smelly street people have you? Well, it is - but the vast majority of people who attend AA are bog standard ordinary sorts. Plus the smelly street people get cleaned up lol.

Give the man a break .
Not you , OP , the posters baying for blood. HIS blood. What is it about mumsnet that brings out the LTB crew? And always the same bloody posters.

I hope you can work through this.
You clearly love him. He's had a massive shock and needs time to process it.

Good luck x

Well done for admitting you have a problem. And well done for recognising its ok for him to not be ok with this.

The problem is that no one has an obligation to stay in a relationship. Especially when someone has revealed they have been lying for a large portion of the relationship. Its not his fault you drank half a litre of vodja and he didnt notice.

He had a violent alcholic as a father. Its bound to be a touchy subject for him. I grew up with an alcholic and would end a relationship if my partner was one. I wouldnt risk living like that again.

For a year uou have hidden a huge thing that will impact him. You have hidden and lied huge parts of who you are and being a alcholic will impact him. You took away his right to make a choice with full knowledge of whats going on.

I cant say wether he should end it. But he is not wrong in his reaction or how he feels. Either way you need to get help. Good luck.

First of all OP, well done for admitting you have an addiction, that’s not easy.

However, having recently had to walk away from a very good friend who won’t recognise she has an addiction (cocaine not alcohol) and has become a completely different person, I can understand why your partner isn’t happy, especially if he had an alcoholic Dad. Addicts lie and manipulate and justify because it’s hard for them to admit how low they’ve got, it’s part of the addiction, but it’s not easy for those round them either. Breaking point for me with my friend was when she appeared to see my kids off her face and scared the hell out of them. She still cannot understand why I asked her to leave and not come back.

I’d suggest working on your addiction, with help from medics and AA, you’ve admitted there’s a problem, that’s a huge step. You need to focus on recovery, and nothing else.

What I find harder to take are the comments that insinuate that as I have an addiction, my boyfriend should run a mile or at the very least definitely leave me. I honestly equate Alcoholism with any other mental illness

If I found out my partner of a year, who I loved and planned a future with, was secretly an alcoholic I would be devastated. I would have to end the relationship because of my own history with alcohol addicts but I would be torn, conflicted, hurt, confused, also stressed if I had to find somewhere new to live, embarrassed to have to tell people, so many horrible feelings. You've just pulled the rug out from under him. He has the right to process this. He may not behave 100% perfectly but you can't expect him to.

What I find harder to take are the comments that insinuate that as I have an addiction, my boyfriend should run a mile or at the very least definitely leave me. I honestly equate Alcoholism with any other mental illness

I don't actually think anyone is suggesting he shoudl run a mile.

What peopel have said is that this relationship may not survive the impact of your mental illness on it.
Many relationships don't
Added to which, if you had a long history together and THEN got ill, that is quite different to you being ill and hiding it for the WHOLE of your relationship.

He simply doesn't know the person he is in a relationship with. He may chose to stay, he may not, but he has the freedom to do that.

OP, you can quite correctly and logically look at alcoholism as a disease and feel that people are being harsh... But if a partner has a disease that they keep secret and are reluctant to get help for, I think the partner is correct to distance themselves. The diseased person is inflicting their personal choice on their partner and the partner has a personal choice to not live with it.

Well done for facing up to your issues with alcohol and for being brave enough to finally come clean to your boyfriend.

As another child of an alcoholic though, far from your OH being a 'twat', you're lucky he's not taken to the hills!
Do not underestimate the massive bomb you've exploded under his life.
Both of you need time to work out how you're going to put things back together.
If he'd posted here, most people would be advising him to leave you.

Focus on your recovery. The relationship will either adapt to a new, sober you or not but that is not in your control.

Do take responsibility for what you've done to him though - of course he wouldn't want to be touched after that revelation. Would you?

I wish you the very best of luck.