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Original poster

Has anyone read this Guardian article from the perspective of an OW?

152 replies

VladmirsPoutine · 17/09/2017 12:17

www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2017/sep/16/what-im-really-thinking-the-other-woman

The sheer amount of mental gymnastics she's doing in order to justify her actions is astonishing! Angry

I've been cheated on in the past and yes I know the issue is with the MM not necessarily the OW but even so how could anyone be happy to live a life as a 'side bit' to someone else? Even if she proclaims to be some kind of independent woman getting on with her life. Fuck right off! You're still shagging someone else's partner. And when as these things blow up in one's face (as they tend to) then that's so many lives and hearts broken.

OP posts:
Nadinexo1 · 17/09/2017 12:49

in my opinion the other person is just as much to blame as the married person. I don't buy into the whole 'but they didn't make vows to you' shit. I think women like that are extremely insecure. If you have a shred of decency in you then you wouldn't get involved with a person who is already with someone and personally if someone was interested in me and I found out they already had a partner I think I would lose all respect for them anyway.

jeaux90 · 17/09/2017 12:54

I think you are projecting. She doesn't come across as a side bit to me. Sounds like they have a comprehensive relationship. Nor does it sound like she is doing mental gymnastics. Does sound like she is a bit at the end of her tether though.

Seen it all before in my circle. Men not having the balls to do the right thing and often staying until the kids are off to college then leaving.

Also seen the OW loving the relationship with none of the domestic shit. The one I know is a career person and financially independent and doesn't want anything permanent.

I kind of get why it happens if I'm honest.

macncheesewithbacon · 17/09/2017 12:57

I read it. She sounds deluded to me. 'Why would anyone lie about that' ffs - isn't 'we don't have sex' the first line in the cheaters handbook?

It's a shame for her, wasting her youth, but my thoughts are with his poor DW.

CorporalNobbyNobbs · 17/09/2017 12:59

Why has she been waiting for 12 years?! I could kind of understand 'overlap' where someone meets someone else and takes a few months to leave their wife/husband but 12 years

Also yes I laughed at 'why would anyone lie about no sex' HAHAHAHA

jeaux90 · 17/09/2017 13:01

I'm not sure about the sex bit, but then there are so many posts on here about people in marriages with no sex so it's plausible

CorporalNobbyNobbs · 17/09/2017 13:01

Oh I misread. He's in the relationship for 12 years. But she's still been having the affair for years

CorporalNobbyNobbs · 17/09/2017 13:03

I think it's plausible that someone could be in a sexless relationship. It's the OW's statement of 'why would he lie?' that made me roll my eyes. As PP said that's the first line in the script

jeaux90 · 17/09/2017 13:03

So he's not married and has no kids. What's the point I wonder in him staying. I find the circumstances more intriguing than the OW view if I'm honest.

CorporalNobbyNobbs · 17/09/2017 13:05

Yeah me too.

Offred · 17/09/2017 13:06

I also scoffed at 'why would someone lie about that?'

Erm how about 'same reason he's lying to his wife about being faithful to her'...

I feel sorry for both women who a clearly both being conned by this pathetic specimen and their lives being trashed as a result.

Offred · 17/09/2017 13:08

I find it incredibly difficult to believe that anyone would stay in a relationship where there is no sex, no kids and no marriage and are having an affair...

It is vastly more likely they are having sex and that is why he doesn't want to leave. He's just telling both of them he is sexually faithful in order to keep having sex with both of them.

GriefLeavesItsMark · 17/09/2017 13:15

I've always thought those what am I thinking/letter to articles in the guardian were made up shit. They are all written is the same slightly breathless introspective way, with a little twist at the end.

And often I've seen the same thing in Relationships, almost as it it were a trial run.

LinoleumBlownapart · 17/09/2017 13:17

She is trying to convince herself. People don't say those things to her because they don't understand or know him, they say them because they are true and as they are her friends and family they care about her. I couldn't care less what she wants to tell herself, she's not fooling anyone, only herself. She should find someone who loves her and wants to share his life with her. I think people who long term cheat lack the ability to love anyone but themselves. I think when people really think about their cheating partners past and present they can see that, but usually they don't want to.

justkeeponsmiling · 17/09/2017 13:23

I've not read it and don't need to. I totally agree with pp in that I don't understand the crap that is trotted out on MN about affairs not being the OWs fault as they have not made any vows to you. You just don't get involved with somebody in a relationship! Nadinexo1 is spot on, if I was chatted up by someone in a relationship I would lose all respect for them.

AFewTings · 17/09/2017 13:25

A bit what jeaux said.

She sounds like I'll have crumbs from the table. He sounds like a ... ghost.

(I've sometimes wondered where is the man in all this. What were his motives? There are lots of threads, understandably, in Relationships on how the wife/partner feels after the affair comes to light. I find what the man was thinking/feeling quite interesting though. Presumably the man does give some explanation. I wouldn't say it was necessarily the truth though.)

AccrualIntentions · 17/09/2017 13:27

It's not a position I can ever imagine myself to be happy being in - but the blame always lies with the married or attached person cheating. If the husband wants to cheat, if it wasn't with her it would be with someone else. The blaming of the OW just perpetuates the nonsense that men can't control their urges and are being tempted away against their will. Sorry, I don't buy that at all.

Justaboy · 17/09/2017 13:27

I am tired of conducting a relationship within a working week, fed up of sleeping alone, waking only to text messages sent while she sleeps. I am waiting for him to act (apparently he has already decided what he wants); and in the meantime, I remain in my role of lover, friend, confidante, counsellor and champion. If it sounds one-sided, it’s not: he has loved and supported me unfalteringly, and I owe many good things in my life to him. But unlike him, I will not allow myself to be a passive agent in my own life – I will wait only so long.

Why wait?, why not sod off now out of it and find a decent single man?

Why not then?

TatianaLarina · 17/09/2017 13:36

I've no idea why women believe the lies of married men. Generally they're young and naive.

viques · 17/09/2017 13:44

She says he is not having his cake and eating it. But he is, he has the respectability of a secure, settled relationship and the frisson of an affair. Not only is he having his but cake he is taking a huge slice, including the icing from the plates of both the women he is fooling. More fool both of them for not slapping his thieving cheating hand away from their plates.

TatianaLarina · 17/09/2017 13:48

Of course he's having his cake and eating it, she's just in denial about the whole thing.

He's lying to two women, and once she twigs he won't leave and calls time, he will replace her.

LazyDailyMailJournos · 17/09/2017 16:59

Yep - and I thought she sounded utterly deluded. Believing the old trope about not sleeping with his wife, because why would anyone lie about that?

To get into your pants? To have his cake and eat it? To get you to feel sorry for him and draw you unconsciously into the 'pick me' dance, because if you love him and fuck him enough, then he'll leave her and choose you?

Why indeed.

jeaux90 · 17/09/2017 17:23

Thing is though one of my close friends is the OW and is nothing like what most people think. All those assumptions people make just don't apply to her.

I don't get this dude though in the article. He doesn't have kids and isn't married. I can't imagine the real reason he tells her for not leaving. I can't believe she accepts it.

TatianaLarina · 17/09/2017 17:31

To get into your pants? To have his cake and eat it?

Well quite. One might add thick to naive if one were uncharitable.

Frillyhorseyknickers · 17/09/2017 17:35

Thing is though one of my close friends is the OW and is nothing like what most people think. All those assumptions people make just don't apply to her.

This is though I was the OW once and i thought it was so different to what most people thought. I thought all of those assumptions everyone makes about OW didn't apply to me because this guy had fallen out of love with his wife, they didn't ever have sex and he loved me...

And then when push came to shove, he did love her, he picked her and I realised it was all in my fucking head thanks to his elaborate bullshitting

Now I'm married and I love my husband more than life, and I hope to fuck he never does that to me, and I am so utterly ashamed of what I did. In my defence I was very young and impressionable and I'm praying karma leaves me alone.

jeaux90 · 17/09/2017 18:28

Sorry Frilly. That's sad. My friend doesn't want him to leave. She doesn't want a proper relationship. By that I mean a full time one.

In that respect her and I are the same. Happy with my DP just seeing him a couple of evenings and the odd trip away.

I think the sad bit is exactly the scenario you found yourself in.

Still intrigued by the guy in the article. No kids, not married. Wonder what he tells the OW why he stays!