Has anyone read this Guardian article from the perspective of an OW?

[VladmirsPoutine]

www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2017/sep/16/what-im-really-thinking-the-other-woman

The sheer amount of mental gymnastics she's doing in order to justify her actions is astonishing!

I've been cheated on in the past and yes I know the issue is with the MM not necessarily the OW but even so how could anyone be happy to live a life as a 'side bit' to someone else? Even if she proclaims to be some kind of independent woman getting on with her life. Fuck right off! You're still shagging someone else's partner. And when as these things blow up in one's face (as they tend to) then that's so many lives and hearts broken.

I don't think that making the same mistake is an indication of stupidity, far from it! These are usually very intelligent men, easy to talk to, great conversationalists, all the attributes. But there is an underlying bitterness and resentment. It's sad. I'm not the person to fix them, is all I'm saying. Perhaps there is a partner for them who can ease the discontent.

They are bitter and resentful because they perceive they gave it all up for that person, only to have it thrown back in their face . In other words, they think they are a changed person, but they really want much of the same. And money of course plays a big part in it.

Yes, Coyote, they always end up with a much younger woman, their last chance saloon I call it.

Of course you share the blame as the other woman. No idea why anyone would even try to justify it. It's crap, selfish and mean. You are actively hurting another human being and the children too.

If anyone claims it's fine as the wife is not in love or having sex, or whatever, then why not contact her and check it's fine? No? Then don't do it. Betrayal is one of the worst things to happen to someone in their life.

To user: they're staying with family. Last time they went away to stay with family he slept on the sofa. My mum slept on the sofa for years before my Dad's affair became public knowledge. Her excuse was to settle the puppy that then became an adult dog.

These things do happen.

He's not sleeping with her. I know this for a fact.

These things aren't black and white. I might well end it for my own sake. He didn't tell me they were going away until very short notice before they went. He is very cowardly. Terrified of hurting anyone. Will end up hurting all of us.

@thefoolsjourneyman

I think this is the main crux of it. I don't doubt that people spend years and years sleeping in different rooms or not having any physical contact. It's quite common.

He knows that going away with her will hurt you, and that staying with her is hurting her. But you're right, he is a coward who is scared of hurting anyone and you're right, he will end up hurting you all.

I would say, get out now. Even if he was a friend. I have walked in your shoes and it didnt end well for anyone. They are still together, still unhappy, he is still a coward and still can't make a decision, this is years later.

People do sometimes spend their lives in miserable marriages, just existing, the fear or change is too much for them, this goes for both men and women.
If you have the courage not to be that type of person then you ultimately you will be happier.

Losing someone you love is hard, but ultimately this will destroy your sense of self

What's funny is everyone is intrigued by the guy in the article isn't married and doesn't have kids. The guy is lying to his partner and yet the OW assumes that this pillar of the community is telling her the truth. He's probably both married and has kids. My friend's ex husband told his OW that he didn't have kids. The depths of betrayal these people will go to for a sneaky fuck has no limit.

@Elendon I think that money and success play a role because some men think they are entitled to have personal success to go along with the professional success.

This might sound odd, but I feel like being very successful causes personal relationships to tend toward dysfunction, and causes the successful person to tend toward narcissism. I actually said to my DH once that I knew how much money was involved in the deal he was working on, but that unless he spent some time with me and the children, he would die alone. And that he couldn't get around it by leaving me for someone else because eventually, she would expect him to spend some time with her and their children.

I know.

I've had a few relationships that haven't worked out. I've never married.

Because of my parents' car crash of a marriage I decided as a teen that I'd prefer to be single than in a bad relationship. I've lived by that.

So, I have ended relationships, which hurts but I know it's possible and that it's possible to move on.

My parents got together as teens and married as soon as mum was old enough.

This guy also married his first girlfriend within a few months of meeting.

People make mistakes when they're young.

If I'd married my first ever boyfriend it would've been a disaster. I know it works for some - my sister is happily married to her childhood sweetheart - but it doesn't work for everyone.

I don't know what to do.

Hoping by the time he gets back I've either taken steps to move on or he has. Something has to give. At the moment it's my mental health.

thefool
Non of us really know what state his marriage is in or his true feelings.
Some of the men I have come across who have had affairs with women who were originally just friends or work colleagues have said of their affair partner "I didn't really want her, I just didn't want anyone else I have her"
Do you think it's possible he could feel like this? Is the affair an attempt to prevent you finding someone else?

@user

I don't know. He told me he loved me very quickly. He went abroad for work and that's when it started - when he was at the airport and he messaged me to ask me to run away to join him.

I don't think seriously but that was he first I knew that he considered it any more than a platonic friendship.

Who knows? He's back now and reality has hit home. I'm also failing to play along by mentioning his wife and the state of his marriage regularly. I saw my mum go through it. I won't do that to someone else.

If he's serious about me, i need him to sort out his relationship and do the right thing by her. He hasn't been honest with her for years. He hasn't been honest with himself for years. Can he be honest with me? Well, I'm not so sure about that now either.

@thefoolsjourney why is your mental health in jeopardy? You know what you should do, you just don't want to do it. That isn't a mental health issue.

He isn't going to take steps to move on with you. If he were, he wouldn't be on holiday with her right now. Be honest with yourself -- he is off f*ing his wife and having a nice time.

Stop hoping you move on with your life, and just move on. Clearly, this affair doesn't work for you You can do better, and be happier.

thefool Right now he is treating both of you very poorly. Assuming his wife has some idea that something weird is going on, then there are two women waiting to see wtf is going on and how their lives are going to turn out next, just sitting and waiting for a man to decide what he is going to do. And all three too lethargic to actually make a decision.

Yes. Because divorces happen in 5 minutes and it's all neat and tidy huh?

I am away by myself in the process of making decisions. They don't happen in 5 minutes either.

I wish you all luck in your black and white binary lives.

So we're all a bit stupid? Gee, thanks.

You came on this thread expecting a flaming thefoolsjourneyman
You haven't had that response.

I have remained level headed, open minded and helpful, despite being in the position of a wife whose partner cheated.

I think you came onto this thread expecting the flaming you feel you deserve. It wasnt forthcoming so you've turned against us.

Well that turned pretty quick!

Fool it really is that black and white TBF. If a relationship is negatively affecting your mental health it is waaaaaay past time to knock it on the head...

If you choose not to then you are going to end up unwell.

my white and black binary life? Not quite. I know that life is very complicated and I avoid judging others. You have painted a bleak picture of your relationship. You sound completely miserable.

You aren't married to him, you don't live together, you don't have children. What is there to ending it but texting him that it's over, blocking him, and then moving on with your life?

You got involved with a married man and found out what millions of women have found out before you: married men make lousy boyfriends. That type of man makes a WORSE husband than boyfriend, and honestly you are better off that he isn't leaving his wife for you. You'd be stuck with the lying cheat shit for years before you wised up and moved on with your life.

Just learn from it and don't keep making the same mistake.

He's not sleeping with her. I know this for a fact.

I'm not sure why this thread is indulging someone else's situation as OW. Don't care!

Come back for care when you've stopped hurting another human being.

I also don't get why you come on here complaining that you feel terrible, then when we agree that you are in a shitty situation and it probably won't turn out well you say we all just think in black and white?

I was replying to the posts saying I'm too lethargic to make a decision and the one saying I know what I should do but don't want to

I'm not lethargic. I have been soul searching since the beginning. And no, I don't want to give up someone I love who loves me.

It's been going on a few weeks and we've been working out what the hell to do since then. It's far too early days to know if this is forever.

But he is married so he needs to decide whether he's staying in an unhappy marriage or not independent of anything to do with me.

It's not as black and white as you all say.

That's my point.

My life is my life and I do suffer from depression from time to time and I am heading that way unless something changes.

The soul searching is what makes you lethargic, i.e. feeling tied down and unable to actually take action and change your situation.

Of course these situations are complicated, but when it comes down to it, sorry to say, but you either stay or go. There is no nice grey route that makes everything nice.

thefool it can end well but you need to take control of your own life and it won't be a quick process.
Your man sounds like my DP was. I ended our relationship, got on with my life with no contact. It was tough but liberating.
A year later he left his wife (no children) and we are now together and very happy. He needed to do the right thing for him and for her but he was afraid of the consequences. It took him a long time to summon the courage to go through with it.
Luckily for him I was still single by then. I had dated other men, I wasn't waiting for him.
The point will come when enough is enough for you. Then end it, get on with your life without him, don't wait for him. If he truly wants to be with you enough he will be, if HE is lucky enough.
Leaving is not always as easy as it is portrayed on here. He needed time but not at the expense of my life being on hold.
Pm me if you want.

That's the thing though isn't it. That aren't the choices. I go or I stay or I stay only if he ends his marriage.

I control the first two options, not the third.

And the second is untenable to me.

So I wait for him to end his marriage or I end it. He's also stressed and trying to figure out what to do. He's terrified of hurting his family. So is hurting me and him. Might end up pushing me away. Maybe that's what he's hoping will happen.

It's a similar story to the article. That's why I posted.

Even you are saying that you can control two options. Yet if I say that then I'm thinking in black and white. You'd love it to be more complicated, but as Mystraighteners says, you are the only one who can take control of your life.

He's already started down a route that will hurt his family, whether he stays with them or not. They may already be hurting from seeing changes in his behaviour, whether he's ready to admit it or not. I was diagnosed with moderate depression after my ex left, but the roots were all in that period when he was at home, and suddenly different, and I couldn't get anything out of him. I had no control over the situation at all and it was awful. It was only when I made a decision for him that things could move on.

He doesn't love or care about anybody but himself.

You are fool for not being able to see that.