Has anyone read this Guardian article from the perspective of an OW?

[VladmirsPoutine]

www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2017/sep/16/what-im-really-thinking-the-other-woman

The sheer amount of mental gymnastics she's doing in order to justify her actions is astonishing!

I've been cheated on in the past and yes I know the issue is with the MM not necessarily the OW but even so how could anyone be happy to live a life as a 'side bit' to someone else? Even if she proclaims to be some kind of independent woman getting on with her life. Fuck right off! You're still shagging someone else's partner. And when as these things blow up in one's face (as they tend to) then that's so many lives and hearts broken.

I don't get why it always had to be a lie? We see threads on here every week about women and men in sexless marriages. Many of whom have no intention of leaving and also don't even see a problem. They always get a full chorus of people chiming in that they're the same. It definitely, definitely happens. Quite a lot.

I don't think single OW or OM are personally breaking any marital contracts so don't see why they are as equally to blame as a cheat.

OW's often believe the 'my wife and I don't have sex' lie because it suits them to think that they are the real love of his life and he's just trapped by circumstance.

You know, because men aren't known for wanting to have sex with more than one woman.

It makes them feel good, powerful to do it. A major sign of men cheating is actually an increased libido with their wife!

Of course, not all marriages are sex filled! But yes, it does happen that the men are just big fat liars.

Also just want to add. (It's actually one of those cliched dating rules that often rings true)

If a man loves you, if he actually wants to be with you. He will move heaven and earth to make it so.

Obviously it is not always a lie, it often is a lie told deliberately to produce a having cake and eating it situation despite the fact that there are sexless relationships, but in this case - no kids, no marriage I think it very obviously is a lie because why wouldn't he have left his partner ages ago, they have no ties, no complications, if they are not having sex either why bother with an affair rather than just leaving?

It only really makes sense that he has stayed if 'we don't have sex' is a lie. A lot of men have affairs rather than leave because they are avoiding the messiness of contact with kids and divorce but there are no such obstacles for this man.

If you don't have any self respect how can you expect a man/woman to respect you? Simple as that.

I know people whom are childless and not married that are sexless.

Relationships are often about more than sex, they are habits and comfortable and change is often expensive and not appealing.

I never quite understand people who think life is so simple it is black and white.

Humans form complex relationships. Its entirely possible to believe you love 2 people.

This situation is more common than many would believe.

The man she writes about in the article sounds like a lying, manipulative turd.
The author of the article sounds thick.

Totally agree with Offred.

But the fact is, whether they are having sex or not, as they're not married and there are no kids he could have left her if he'd wanted to but he doesn't.

It's not about not understanding that people can have feelings for two people at the same time but love? No, no-one who is conducting a secret affair has real love for their partner. You can't have love without respect and people who cheat lack fundamental and basic respect.

I can understand people being happy with a sexless relationship. I don't think it is likely that an unmarried, childless man would bother with an affair if he was unhappy in a sexless relationship rather than simply leaving it.

What a load of tosh. 12 years she's been with him. And he hasn't left the partner, for her.
She's deluded.

Does she go to weddings/parties of his friends? Does she go to his works Christmas do? Does he go to hers? Holidays, for a week at a time?
12 years?

So he's not married and has no kids. What's the point I wonder in him staying.

Because he wants to. It's the cake and eating it.

My ex told the ow that we weren't having sex and he was only staying for the DC. We were having it at least 1-2 a week and trying for another DC when I found out about it. It turned out to have been just one affair of many.
I honestly think it's simply a case of enjoying getting to be a family man and husband and getting all the thrill and excitement of new relationships.
Some affairs may start out due to problems or genuinely being carried away, but after my experience and meeting a lot of women who've been in the same boat, I think there are simply a lot of philanderers out there who do it just for the thrill of it.

Yes my x told OW (probably all of them TBH) we weren't having sex, we weren't actually together and he was just in the house because of the baby (who he never saw and actually didn't want around) too. Load of crap.

I'd hazard a guess that 'we aren't having sex' said to an OW is much more frequently a bullshit lie designed to create the illusion of fidelity and romance than it is true. Honourable people don't generally have affairs and generally leave broken relationships...

I think that's bull offred. I know quite a few lovely and honourable people who won't leave their shitty relationships because of the kids. I wouldn't blame a few of them for having an affair.

I'd get it more if he had a couple of kids and was terrified of not seeing them/ only every other weekend, but he has no kids!

If the husband wants to cheat, if it wasn't with her it would be with someone else

Because sadly, there seems to be an abundance of naive/stupid/moral-less/selfish women around who collude in this shitty behavior. If everyone behaved as they would like to be treated themselves, maybe this wouldn't happen. But they're too selfish, so innocent ppl end up in destructive relationships with twats (and their twattish enablers). No excuse.

It's not about not understanding that people can have feelings for two people at the same time but love?

Why not? No one ever suggests you can only love one child or parent or sibling or friend. Is it really impossible to love more than one partner?

The way society expects us to live, it would certainly not be easy or practical, but neither is it a universal belief round the world. I don't think most examples of polygamy are the way forward either (can't say I'm any sort if expert, either,) but it seems unlikely to me that we will all fit neatly into a single model of how to have a partner.

Having said that, most of us in the West are socialised to expect monogamous relationships, and we do know what the rules are. If you're in a relationship with three people where at least one doesn't know what's going on, then it's based on lies, and long term, that's very unlikely to work out.

I say all this from the perspective of having had only a few relationships, and none where the question of moving in together has ever come up, let alone marriage, so I am very far from an expert on relationships.

Because sadly, there seems to be an abundance of naive/stupid/moral-less/selfish women around who collude in this shitty behavior.

No possibility they could be being manipulated by a clever man who knows what he needs to do and say to have two women at his beck and call? None at all?

In pretty much every other circumstance on MN people are quick to scream narcissist or gaslighting, but obviously this never ever applies to an OW, they must be naive/stupid/selfish/lacking morals. Nope, don't buy it. It's the people who have made the vows who bear the responsibility and I can't bear this misogynistic blaming of the OW for something that is the husband's fault.

That comment was specifically about cheaters. It was not about various forms of non-monogamy.

My goodness that woman is an idiot.

No one forced anyone to stay. In monogynous relationships. He could leave.

Many/most people want a monogynous relationship with just one person. Because they crave that love, one-to-one, the shared experiences, hoping that one person will truely support you alone, have your back. Deepness. It's just you and them. And trust.

Because many humans crave deeper experiences, deeper emotions. Deep, with just one person.

Not everyone wants that. Some people want less commitment, want to have relationships with 2 or 3 or more people. There is no problem with this.
You can shag as many people as you like.
No one is stoping any of us.

But. Once you start misleading/not telling the whole truth. Lying. Trust. It becomes different.

If everyone did the right thing, the honourable thing : faithful and truthful (and we all know when we are in such a relationship with someone, where they expect it and it is expected - rather than a ONS or casual fling) and then if and when didn't feel that, we left. We'd be ok.

But people don't do that.
Really it's a lack of honour and integrity. And selfishness.

And if OW did the honourable thing, not be the OW, that would help too. But they don't.

OW is wasting her time playing the "pick me dance". Even if she "wins" the prize is a man with an apparent propensity to lie and be unfaithful.