Has anyone read this Guardian article from the perspective of an OW?

[VladmirsPoutine]

www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2017/sep/16/what-im-really-thinking-the-other-woman

The sheer amount of mental gymnastics she's doing in order to justify her actions is astonishing!

I've been cheated on in the past and yes I know the issue is with the MM not necessarily the OW but even so how could anyone be happy to live a life as a 'side bit' to someone else? Even if she proclaims to be some kind of independent woman getting on with her life. Fuck right off! You're still shagging someone else's partner. And when as these things blow up in one's face (as they tend to) then that's so many lives and hearts broken.

If the OW used to be your friend then obviously you'll be angry at her, too, and with good reason. It's quite a different situation to an unfamiliar OW who only comes to light with the affair.

What is the point in being angry and disappointed with someone but keeping them in the relationship, in your bed and in your house though? Unless you boot them out you are just torturing yourself and eventually to cope with the situation you will naturally come to projecting all the ire onto the OW...

For me Tiramisu, and we're going back a long time now. It was the fact my life had been turned upside down, nothing was as I thought it was. My partner, whilst accepting he was totally to blame was also hurting and his life changed forever.

OWs life carried on as normal.
No consequences.
No fallout.
Nothing.

But how does it help you to dish out punishment?

Things in life happen that are not fair. Harbouring resentment because of this fact of life simply turns you into a deeply bitter person.

It would be a bit unfortunate to say that if someone isn't married and dosn't have children then that is not a real relationship and they can just up sticks and leave whenever they fancy, wouldn't it?

If you've lived with someone in a committed relationship for any length of time then your lives are interwoven. You have regular routines together that will be upturned, you might jointly own property that needs selling, leaving the home you've lived in for years, saying goodbye to family and friends you have grown fond of. It's like a marriage but for the paperwork.

A bit less of the discrimination, perhaps?

.

I've got myself into a situation and it's tearing me apart.

Not sure if I can trust him, thought he loved me, he's sleeping in separate rooms from his wife etc etc.

I never wanted to be an OW. My Dad cheated on my mum so I saw the devastation.

I know I'll get flamed.

Don't worry, I am already suffering. I thought he would've told her by now. Now I wonder whether he ever intended to.

I'm not saying anyone should dish out punishment Ofred.
Just that angry feelings towards the OW should be accepted and acknowledged, not dismissed.

I'm not going to flame you thefoolsjourneyman

He may intend to leave her
He may be sleeping in a separate room

The only way to know for sure is to either give him an ultimatum or tell his wife.
Carrying on as you are is not in your best interest.

user but not the name-calling, it's disgusting and nobody should call anybody those names.

Betrayed partners are always supported on here but it's not possible (for me anyway) to accept the vile names that OW are always called. Usually the betrayed partner is staying with the betrayer anyway and just wanting to lash out at OW as they can't lash out on their cheating partner for fear that he'll leave.

It's very distasteful all round but OW get a particularly difficult time here - and it's certainly disproportionate.

If you tell his wife, you don't find out what lovely intentions he had. You find out what happens when his wife chucks him out and he's forced to find a new place to live.

We've been friends for a long time. He pursued me and made it clear he wanted more. He told me he loved me first.

These are the things that make me feel slightly better than a shitty husband-stealer.

I always said I would NEVER do this. I'm barely sleeping. The guilt is awful.

All the while I thought it was love then it seemed only a matter of time. It's been 3 months. I've tried the ultimatum. I crumbled.

Who knows? They're away together now and I feel like ending it. I need my life back.

Who knows? They're away together now and I feel like ending it. I need my life back

You do x
Please also realise that they're probably enjoying each other's company, saying they love each other and having lots of sex as I'm assuming they haven't booked separate rooms.

The way OW are treated on here is completely unreasonable. Not just current OW but anyone who has ever been an OW in their life. Even if you were the OW twenty years ago, regret it and have since married and had a family of your own you can forget about any support on here should the fact you were once an OW become apparent. Then it's "what goes around comes around, Carma's a bitch innit?"

I have dated men who have had affairs and left with their affair partner, had children and then crashed. They are incredibly bitter and full of resentment. All in the matter of hours was this revealed. They wanted, needed someone to fix them. All were late 40s, 50s and one lied about his age and was in his mid 60s. Could I be arsed? No. Did I understand, to an extent yes, but I wasn't the one to fix them.

Being bitter and full of resentment is not a female trait. That much I know.

@TheRealBiscuit

I agree. I've never been an OW and can't foresee a situation where I would be one (but I can't predict the future). That doesn't mean I can't empathise with an OW as well as the wife.

Maybe it's genderless then Elendon because I've certainly witness here and in RL, a steady female stream of bitterness and resentment.

The problem is that people see cheating as black and white wen actually there are almost always shades of grey. So an OW must be a complete bitch to steal another woman's husband (with references to the sisterhood and such in the mix,) whereas a man is once a cheat always a cheat. She actually there are often multiple factors in any affair which could answer the questions as to why they are there.

FWIW I know a man who cheated on his wife, no kids etc in the mix but they came from a deeply religious background where divorce was absolutely frowned upon however the marriage was sexless. He met OW through work and they ended up having an affair. He wanted to leave his wife however for her he was safe because he was married, and it turned out that she had had multiple affairs with married/attached men despite being in a relationship herself. She wanted to shag about but thought that the safety of them being married would mean they wouldn't push for extra commitment. Until her husband found out and divorced her, at which point she decided that the latest man she was with was in fact the one for her. He, strangely enough, wasn't in a relationship at the time. However as soon as she told him she was free he laughed in her face and said he'd never seriously wanted to be with her because she had too much of a track record and he'd been sleeping around for the duration of their affair anyway. She actually thought she had a right to be hurt that a man who she cheated on her husband with hadn't taken it seriously and had been sleeping with other women in the same way she presumably had been sleeping with her husband.

As for friend, he split with his wife in the end for completely different reasons..

Of course people have sexless marriages, they are usually wealthy and don't want to upset the apple cart. They want to have fun but 'love dearly' their partner. It's usually made abundantly clear from the off. My friend had this, she didn't engage. He was a work colleague.

Lying But the bitterness I find subsides when it comes to women friends I've known who have been cheated on - it takes time but they usually find a contentment and happiness. In men, it seems to increase - because they keep making the same mistake (and it costs, oh yes, it's all about the money in the end with those types).

Oh and I also think that being totally blindsided and hurt is not the same as being bitter. Absolutely not the same at all. And I'm not factoring in children either. Being cheated on is horrible, especially when you think your future is secure. Anger is a perfectly honourable emotion to have in these circumstances. It's not the same as being bitter and resentful.

In real life that may well be the case, Elendon but I haven't found it translates here although it's not a perfect comparison because men don't post here as much.

In RL, I've found that men move on more quickly, perhaps rush into it and then feel pangs of regret for a while - and then recover. Whereas women feel pain and shock, potter on with their life to regroup - and then find happiness. I'd say the timescale is about the same (from the sample I know of), but the milestones are in different places.

I don't find that men make the same mistake but then I don't believe that men - or women - are intrinsically stupid.

I also think that some men (particularly) have settled for relationships at a young age that have tied them in to something they really were not suited for - or the partner was not suitable for them. If they'd have waited, they would possibly have had a different and more positive outcome. I don't know if that's the same for women but it's certainly true of some men and certainly ones that I know. Not exactly trapped but definitely 'tethered' and unable to leave without HUGE repercussions.

Perhaps that has something to do with women being inextricably linked with household and children - moreso than men? Or perhaps it's down to societal pressure because whilst affairs are generally (in RL) accepted (in my experience), within the family units, men who leave are ostracised somewhat.

It's interesting to debate these points certainly.

cross-posted with your second post, Elendon, I broadly agree but what do you class as 'bitterness' as opposed to 'anger and sadness'?

@thefoolsjourneyman You are in a crappy relationship with a man who lies to you and makes you unhappy. LTB. End it. For your own sake. You deserve more.

Learn from this and don't get involved with men who are in relationships. It never ends well.

@Elendon I find your perspective interesting. My DH has several friends/work colleagues who've done this and so I've heard their points of view through my DH. I think that a lot of men end up really alone. They screw up their relationships with their wives and children and pursue their careers, and then eventually they figure out that they are getting older and they are alone. It's bizarre to watch. Karma is a real bitch.

"They are incredibly bitter and full of resentment. All in the matter of hours was this revealed. They wanted, needed someone to fix them"

I guess I shouldn't be surprised, but I hadn't thought through what they would be like on a date. May be this is why they keep ending up with much younger women -- mature women their age see them for what they are; younger women think they can save them.