Has anyone read this Guardian article from the perspective of an OW?

[VladmirsPoutine]

www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2017/sep/16/what-im-really-thinking-the-other-woman

The sheer amount of mental gymnastics she's doing in order to justify her actions is astonishing!

I've been cheated on in the past and yes I know the issue is with the MM not necessarily the OW but even so how could anyone be happy to live a life as a 'side bit' to someone else? Even if she proclaims to be some kind of independent woman getting on with her life. Fuck right off! You're still shagging someone else's partner. And when as these things blow up in one's face (as they tend to) then that's so many lives and hearts broken.

I can't believe the number of posters on here who continue to make women responsible for the behaviour of their husbands...

This statement, "...if OW did the honourable thing, not be the OW, that would help too. But they don't.".

I get the gist and the reasoning behind it but the FACT is, there's not an OW-to-be in the whole world, however charming/gorgeous she is, who could cheat with a married man if that isn't what he wants to do. Not a ONE.

Think about it because otherwise this thread, with some notable sensible exceptions, is just mass delusion and fake salve.

the crap that is trotted out on MN about affairs not being the OWs fault as they have not made any vows to you.
I think the point usually is that the poster is seething with rage at the OW instead of her DP. The comment about OW not having made any vows is not to say she's faultless, but to say that the DP is just as much to blame, plus is the one that the poster should be the angriest with, as he promised her something better. I know ex's OW shouldn't have had an affair with him, but I don't know her from Adam, so can't personally muster up any dislike, even, for someone I've never met.

I got to read some of OW's thoughts in their emails I read, and I have to say that she too sounded naive and a bit thick, to be honest. For instance, he said that when he and I got married we didn't love each other: we'd just "settled" for each other. She then criticised me for marrying someone I didn't love: "why would anyone do that?" So she had no actual evidence of my feelings, but my ex had just told her himself that he had settled - but she didn't think to criticise him for it, or ask him why he had done it.

I'm not sure about the cake-eating theory in our case, though. We were still sleeping together, but I realised later that it was always me instigating it. Ex went along with it, but evidently found it a bit distasteful himself to be sleeping with two women at once. He avoided it as much as possible - waiting until I was asleep to go to bed - and eventually gave me the "not sure how I feel about you" speech, which killed it off.

But all this fuelled my suspicions. If you've been sleeping with your wife and suddenly stop, and refuse her requests, then obviously that's going to make her suspect something. And when you've just started out on your affair, you're not planning ahead to splitting up with your wife and turning your entire life upside down. You're just lusting after a new body. So you keep up appearances with your wife.

Seems pretty clear to me that even a knowing OW would find it disgusting to know that his penis had been somewhere else in between, and would be afraid to catch something. Do men ever admit to still sleeping with their partners? Surely not.

I disagree that many posters blame the OW instead of their DP.
That's merely how the threads are interpreted by others, many of whom, I suspect either currently are, or have been, OW themselves

Interesting how things can be interpreted, indeed. No, just because I am angrier with my ex that does not mean I sympathise with OW or that I have ever been one myself.

I didn't mean to accuse you ravenmum and apologies if it appeared that way. I wasn't pointing the finger at anyone specifically.
It's different if you don't know the OW too I think. Many betrayed spouses do know and even have friendships with the OW.

Just surprised at your interpretation as I hadn't imagined at all that it could be viewed that way if I followed the "She's not the one you should be angry at" line. Good to know what impression it could leave!

I think it's easy for betrayed partners to believe that people saying 'focus on your partner not the OW, he's the one who wronged you' are OW themselves but the reality is we are actually far more often betrayed partners who are further along who know that focussing on OW just keeps you stuck in a shitty relationship with a shit.

IME actually the OW was lied to as much as I was and actually she was a good person who actually supported my DC with the situation much more than XP ever did. I have grateful feelings and sympathy for her really because she was a lovely stepmum right up until the point he cheated on her and dumped her too.

I've never been an OW in my entire life, and I still think the cheating man bears significantly more of the blame, because he's betrayed specific promises he's made to someone he professes to love, rather than the general "love thy neighbour" ethos towards a stranger.

I mean, no one thinks it's strange for someone to choose hurting someone they don't know over hurting someone they know and love. We all recognise in principle that we care more for and do more for people we know and care about, and therefore that being hurt by a loved one is a much bigger betrayal than being hurt in the same way by a stranger. So to me it's obvious that the married/committed man has made the bigger betrayal and carries more of the blame. He has also always known without a doubt that betraying is exactly what he's been doing.

This is assuming the OW doesn't know the wife - if he's screwing his wife's best friend then I'd consider her pretty equally culpable.

Often yes offred, but not always.

I can see many OW are also 'victims' but that certainly wasn't the case in my situation. Everyones experiences are different obviously. It's just a shame that many betrayed partners feel unable to vent on here about the OW without being chastised for it.

The thing is, where does being angry with OW get you? Even if she is culpable who is she to you? No-one. There is no sense at all even giving her a second thought TBH. She isn't a friend, she isn't a partner even if you thought she was a friend of yours up until you found out about the cheating, even if she sees your kids as the new girlfriend she isn't anything to you...

It's just the lack of understanding I think.

It's insulting to suggest that a poster isn't mostly blaming their partner. Yes, it's the 'bigger' betrayal but negative feeling towards the OW is only natural surely.
Empathy for those emotions is severely lacking on MN and prevents many from posting.

He's not even married. The whole 'We never have sex' claptrap is one of the most classic lines going, however. Yeah, right .

Being angry with anything or anyone doesn't get you anywhere.
It's a natural and normal emotion that everyone feels though.

It's not a lack of understanding though IMO. It's that the people posting understand it all too well. They know about the pick me dance, hysterical bonding and the natural psychological defences of needing to paint the OW as a harlot who tempted their lovely partner away and how all those things end up damaging you even more.

No-one ever says it's wrong to be angry with the OW simply that focussing the majority of your rage on OW, often seeking violent revenge against her, whilst living with, sleeping with and treading on eggshells around their unfaithful partner's ego is a recipe for damage.

The article writer is such a great confidant, friend and lover, so special, that while she knows the chap lies to his wife, she believes he doesn't lie to her. Eye rolling at that.

She describes a weird combination of insecurity plus vanity. I would feel sorry for her if she wasn't actively taking what she thinks she deserves, at the expense of, and hurting the chaps wife.

I assume most people feel anger. Mostly at their dp/'d'h, but also at the OW aswell.
how could he?
how could she?
but they both did it, knowing it was wrong. They didn't care. He didn't care. enough. That's what hurts, I assume.

Tiramisu, respectfully I disagree.

You shouldn't be a dick to people you know, or people you don't. For me that's the base level for decent behaviour.

You shouldn't be a dick to people you know, or people you don't. For me that's the base level for decent behaviour.

Of course. If I found out a friend was seeing a married/partnered man, I'd be very disappointed. I'd reason with her, try to change her mind, maybe even end the friendship if she were dead set on carrying on.

But if God forbid my H slept with someone else, I hope I'd recognise that yes she's betrayed a principle and not been the most ethical human being in the world, but he's betrayed me, to my face, while claiming to love me, and there's no contest in my mind as to which is the bigger crime.

And I have, including on here, absolutely seen the partner more or less excused and the OW vilified for her crime against female solidarity. Not everyone, of course, but it absolutely happens.

I agree with Tiram. Really you shouldn't do it to anyone. But most turn to their dp and say 'how could you do this to me'? Because the betrayal, by someone who you know, is worse.

And there are constant TAATs started by OW where the OP gets totally and completely flamed beyond all reason.

Then there are periodic TAATs about 'why does MN go so easy on OW?'

MN does not go easy on OW. The majority of posters simply know that OPs need to focus on their relationship and their partner not their partner's relationship with OW in order to make good choices going forward.

And I have, including on here, absolutely seen the partner more or less excused and the OW vilified for her crime against female solidarity. Not everyone, of course, but it absolutely happens

Again, it's our own perception because that's not how I see any of the OW threads on here. I see partners receiving the bulk of the blame, that's a given surely, but posters are frustrated that the OW seems untouchable.

if anyone read the many threads where an OW posts they would not think that though. OW posting threads are vilified and destroyed, subjected to the most vile and repeated attacks I think I've ever seen on here.

It's not that OW are 'untouchable' if you feel that way about your own situation it will be because you have been focussing on OW to your own detriment.

What do you want to be able to do to her, though? Who is she to you that her actions even register compared to your partner? Why does she matter?

I think posters talk about their feelings towards the OW on here because they don't have anyone else to talk to about that. There's a void.
The anger and disappointment towards their partner is directed at them.

I read the article and thought she was deluded. Her affair partner is not married and has no kids. If he is not with her, then he just doesn't want to be with her.

If he does leave his wife, it won't be for her.