Has anyone read this Guardian article from the perspective of an OW?

[VladmirsPoutine]

www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2017/sep/16/what-im-really-thinking-the-other-woman

The sheer amount of mental gymnastics she's doing in order to justify her actions is astonishing!

I've been cheated on in the past and yes I know the issue is with the MM not necessarily the OW but even so how could anyone be happy to live a life as a 'side bit' to someone else? Even if she proclaims to be some kind of independent woman getting on with her life. Fuck right off! You're still shagging someone else's partner. And when as these things blow up in one's face (as they tend to) then that's so many lives and hearts broken.

The absolute best thing you can do is give both you and him some distance. a couple of months or something
what @Mystraightenersarebroken says is very very true. You have to be prepared to walk away from this, and maybe, just maybe, it might work out.

If you do the opposite (ie what I did) you will destroy each other, you'll get more and more upset at weekends away and Christmases and all the other things you want to do with him that are part of a normal relationship, and then you'll argue (you will) and then it will descend into anger and mistrust. and then you'll never be together.

It's not an ultimatum as such, it's simply saying, I cannot be with you in these circumstances, I am not giving up on you, but I will not let us hurt each other. If you decide you don't want to stay in your unhappy marriage then you know where I am, but I will not wait for you.

I haven't read all the messages on here, but thought I'd give my perspective as an OM in an affair - do all OW/M have the same delusional thinking that their part-time partners are telling the truth, the whole truth so help them....

It started off as messaging as friends (I guess as so many do these days...) with contact getting more and more frequent. When did it start becoming flirtatious? Good question, I can't recall when exactly and certainly no conscious decision to start with. Well aware she was married with children never saw the route the friendship was going down.

Then come the messages about how her OH doesn't listen or care about XYZ and that I'm the good listener. Conversations stray to What-Ifs? and regrets.

Although we would meet up in a group of friends, the suggestion then that we go somewhere together to go out, just the two of us. No outright mention of it being a date, or anything more than friends wanting to get away from it all for a night. Yes, it was overnight. Yes, a certain amount of discretion was advised.

That's when the affair started. Yes she was still married, claiming she wanted to leave and that yes (as the article) no sex had been had for X years.

Did I believe what she was saying to me? Interesting that most on this thread think that it's all a load of rubbish from the married person. It is difficult to know for sure though, what are you going to do? Stalk them and watch through telescopes....? You have to believe, not because you don't want them having sex with their partners, surely part and parcel of affairs really, but because you want some honesty in-amongst all the lies and deception.

Did I think of her husband or children through the affair? In all honesty, not really, why would I? I was enjoying the relationship. Yes it was in snatched times, but you don't go into a relationship and see them every day from the get-go anyway.

Do I think OW/M are evil, or nasty for doing what they do? I don't know really, yes they could not start the relationship and stay alone for a bit longer. Could they wait or pressure them to leave their spouse? Possibly but wait for how long? Or pressure them and risk resentment? All difficult choices and especially when they are the greatest thing to happen to you.

Love makes you forgive or overlook many things.

Who knows who he loves ... he probably has no clue himself whether the lovely light-headed delirium you are in after a few weeks or months could ever turn into the deep-rooted caring love you feel for a long-term partner.

Exactly raven

I mean this kindly fool but if this has only been weeks then it isn't love and further to that because it's an affair it isn't reality either.

Who on earth knows how you would both feel if he did leave his wife.

No possibility they could be being manipulated by a clever man who knows what he needs to do and say to have two women at his beck and call? None at all?
Yes, that's the 'naive' bit I mentioned.

Raven neither do I. I've already told him that I love him now but can't guarantee that it'll deepen and develop into a relationship that I want to be in for the rest of my life. I don't know any more than he knows. In a normal relationship you get to know each other and either the feelings develop and the relationship gets stronger and deeper or it doesn't.

At the moment I can't allow that to happen because I am risking too much hurt. I have to hold back as he is unavailable.

I've known him 18 months. It became clear he had stronger feelings for me about 3 months ago.

Anyway, I'm not debating my love life on the internet any more. I know I started it by posting because I was feeling desperately low this morning but only I know what my situation is, only he knows what his situation is and no amount of words on a page can convey all that.

fool
I saw my mum go through it. I won't do that to someone else.

But you already have, you said it's been going on for a couple of weeks. The main gist of your argument is that you don't want to be messed around by him so he needs to decide whether to leave or not. You've accepted that he's a coward. If he was serious about wanting to be with you, he could/should have left before anything happened with you. He didn't (because he's not convinced it's one or the other, he doesn't want to leave that much) and you didn't wait either. So you have 'done that' to someone else.

Yes, I have and it's tearing me apart. I'm hardly sleeping. I feel awful.

It might fit your stereotypical worldview to see the OW as heartless, uncaring and our for no strings sex and to break families up whilst cackling to herself but that isn't what it's like.

I have been friends with this man for 18 months, we've gradually grown closer and fallen in love. The reality of the situation is that to be together he needs to do something that risks his reputation (and mine) and destroys his wife.

He isn't sleeping either. We're both under huge stress BECAUSE we're caring people who don't go out to cause hurt and pain.

If you felt awful, you'd brake it off. Evidently, the drama of it all works for you.

You seem to think this is special because you're in love. It's not special. You're just shagging some body else's spouse. That all it is. It not special. Lots of people have done it before you; lots more will do it later. There's nothing special about it.

If you had any character or self respect, you'd end it and not get involved with married people again.

And why are you carrying on? In hopes of the prize of man who lies and screws around.

Overall, I see OW as just not that bright. There's no way for you to win, so why are you playing this game? At best, he leaves for you, and then everyone will ALWAYS know what you did. Your best bet really is to cut your loses now and get out of this mess.

We're not sleeping together and he's not sleeping with her.

So there we are then.

Stop projecting. You don't know my situation.

You're the self confessed OW. We don't need to know anymore.

he's not sleeping with her
You only have his word for this. The word of a man who lies constantly to his partner, the one person she should be able to rely upon to have her back.
You're oblivious to what op are saying, or are just being a gf.

I'm not projecting. I'm trying to get you to see how this will wreck YOUR life if you don't get out. As it is, you've done bad thing, but you could stop doing it and get on with your life. If you keep it up and get what you want, it will define you.

I know how other people will talk about you because I hear those conversations. Do you realize that his friends and work mates will compare you to his wife and decide if he traded up or down? Want to know what kind of things will be said if he marries you? Does this man you love so much of children? Have you thought about what they will say to you? What they will think of you?

You think I'm being harsh. Think about going through the rest of your life with everyone knowing what you've done, and talking about you for sport. Is that honestly how you want to spend your life?

You aren't a victim of anything. You are making choices. You can make a different choice at any point.

User7482.. That's a really balanced and insightful post. I think one thing that is often forgotten in the slagging (see several posts of it following yours) is that how rarely people meet other people that they can fancy and fall in love. No wonder people feel it is such a powerful draw.

I am a serial monogamist in a way and DH was the fourth person I have loved. That's hardly one a week.

It's as if, on here, some posters think people become OW/ OM on a whim. The affairs I know of (like a PP above, mostly tolerated in real life) have deep emotional connections.

I also know a couple of absolute philanderers, now anyone who expects anything from them is an idiot. Including their wives.

People judge. I can't stop them from judging but that's their look out.

I won't convince you to change your minds about me so there's no point trying. You don't know me or my situation.

It's not about sex. It's a deeper connection than that.

Yes, I've considered all parties in this.

If people compare me to his wife then bully for them.

I love him and he loves me. Whether we end up together or not, that has happened and no-one can take that experience of feeling loved away, even if it can't last.

Well, some people are in sexless marriages and some of those people will have affairs. So the line of "of course he's sleeping with his wife" doesn't make a lot of sense to me. It's a bit black and white.

My exh cheated and we had sex about once a year. Before I twigged I thought it was only a manifestation of his general contempt for me. It was, but it was also that he had someone he preferred (which I was actually rather pleased about in a way as it gave me what felt like a more solid reason to get rid).

journeyman maybe think more with your heart about what real options are available, and debate your story less on the internet. I was invited to my DP's ex-DW even birthday party some years ago, because by then we were all friends and a lot of water had run under the bridges, and on several other occasions such as Christmas dinner (with DC) - all stories don't necessarily end all that badly. Also, different cultures, different views. But the internet might not be the right place to discuss.

I love him and he loves me. Whether we end up together or not, that has happened and no-one can take that experience of feeling loved away, even if it can't last.
You're right. He's shown his love doesn't last by deceiving his wife with you. You'll be next.

Yeah... he's so messed up over the whole thing he's taken his wife on holiday(!)

Ah honestly fool, this whole thing has you in a massive mess. You are desperately grabbing around for anything to justify clinging to him like a limpet and torturing yourself.

It's not worth it. It really isn't.

I always feel sorry for ows on here because they can't see what's staring them in the face and they come across so desperate.

"Im so fucked up over this I might have a breakdown but I looove him"

Sort yourself out, you surely can't like the person you're intent on becoming...

Whether we end up together or not, that has happened and no-one can take that experience of feeling loved away, even if it can't last

If you think being someones dirty little secret is love, I feel sorry for you. I feel more sorry for the woman whose husband you are dicking around with though.

Although obviously a cheating partner is the one at whom your anger should be directed, the fact is if women knowingly go into an affair with a man who they know has a partner, they have enabled the cheating. The man might want to cheat or have sex with someone else, but if women were honourable they would turn down an attached man and not be so gullible to fall for any lines. No willing OW = no affair.

My ex and I were together for four years, because of uni we were living apart but saw each other every other weekend at least, and obviously were having sex. I found out he had been sleeping with female housemates while I wasn't staying with him, they knew me, they knew we had been together for years, they sat and socialised with us and ate meals I prepared, all while knowing they were shagging my boyfriend the second I left, probably just after I had. They knew we were still having sex (could probably hear it through paper thin uni accommodation walls) so it wasn't as if he could lie and say our relationship was sexless, there was no reason that he would have to stay with me if he didn't want to, we were young, no children or financial ties but they accepted being a bit on the side, and I don't understand why. Low self esteem? Found the idea of the illicit affair exciting? Either way no excuse in my book, I would never ever do that to another person no matter what the man told me. Because I am well aware that men will say almost anything to get you into bed if that is what they want.

Ex DP was a spineless little worm controlled by his dick and low self esteem, but the OW were just nasty conniving bitches, I had anger for all parties concerned and rightly so. I could have my dignity back by dumping DP, and did, but there was no comeuppance for the OW, I think this is why women who have been cheated on have so much wrath for the OW, because they can't do anything to punish them for their part in destroying their relationship. When there are children involved and you have built a life with someone and this happens I cannot imagine the upset and anger.

He's not married. No kids. Been in an affair for 12 years and not slept with his partner in a decade....yeah right!

And still....he won't leave her.

Who would want such a spineless man anyway.

12 years of her life as a dirty little secret. What a very low bar.